#admin: katya

[houses-of-healing]

(To anyone who might be able to offer some advice) I have just started 11th grade. Where I live, you are in one class from grade 5 to 10 (or that's how it's supposed to be), and then you get sorted into courses so the people around you change every lesson. That way, you meet lots of new people that you only saw in the halls or on special occasions before. Many of the friend groups that were established beforehand never meet again all at once. (1/? Dou)

Cont. Now to my actual problem: I have been getting very tired of some of my old friends. Especially one of them, who I have very many courses with, has been getting on my nerves. She has some ticks in her character that just piss me off, and not in a “oh she’s pouting how childish” way but an “she refuses to admit my day was worse than hers and only wants to talk about herself can she please fuck off” way. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still go through the fires of hell for her, but she’s being such a bitch lately. With my other friends, I see them way less, some even don’t have any courses with me, one is even repeating the 10th grade. We meet up sometimes, and most of them are still great friends, but fact is, I never see them outside school. I’ve tried to invite them to things, to get them to go out or at least chill together, but they never even answer. It feels like I’m the only one who’s trying. One of them, who I used to be pretty close with, has been making basically zero effort to talk to me at all. Even when we meet up, she’s constantly talking to other people about stuff she used to tell me, too. Sharks still nice when I make an effort to talk to her, but she shuts me off pretty quickly, too. In the end, I’m very much capable of making new friends in my courses, but we used to be pretty close, so I’m really sad to see them just stop trying at all.

Dear friend,

Perhaps one of the most unfortunate truths about friendship is that sometimes, people move on. Especially those of a particularly gregarious nature. Those who thrive upon the company of as many friends as possible. Those individuals often tend to bond less strongly to any one person. The transition you describe, from one class to many, tugs at the bonds they had formed before, opens up countless new possibilities. And, sometimes, others like you get left behind. The individuals responsible are probably not even wholly aware. They may not realize the effect their actions are having on you. 

Talk to them. I know you said a few refuse to answer, but try. Let them know how it feels, that you feel ignored, or brushed off. If they refuse to change, or they refuse to listen to you… at some point, there is nothing more that you can do. They will have made their choice, and all that is left is for you to do what you can to look after yourself, to make yourself happy. Finding new friends, new activities. Perhaps some will become better friends than those who came  before!

Your friend whose behaviour is annoying you might be having other things going on in her life. Parents who refuse to listen, perhaps. Other struggles. And when people are feeling low, or are stressed, or feel ignored, they struggle to listen to others; their instinct becomes to speak about themselves, to get their voice heard or to offset some of their burden. Let her know that it feels that she only cares about herself, that you feel unheard and hurt. Remind her that you are her friend and are there to listen and help her, but that it has to be a two-way street. Perhaps she will understand. Perhaps she isn’t in a place where she can. But try. 

I know how difficult it is to have frank conversations with those who do not want to listen. But if you try, then you will have known that you did all you could to maintain those friendships. If they refuse to listen, the blame lies entirely upon them. It is okay to be sad, or angry, about it. And it is okay to take care of yourself, to do what you need to do to be happy. All you can control is your own behaviour, and it is difficult to let go sometimes. You cannot force them to stay, but there will always be more people. 

And we will always be here for you. 

- Eowyn

[houses-of-healing]

Hi, sorry to bother you, it's Leda. I sent a multi part ask for Faramir a week ago and I was just wondering if he got it. No rush on answering, I'd just want to make sure it arrived. Thank you.

Hi Leda,

Looks like we’ve got your ask, and I’m sure Faramir will get to it as soon as he is able!

Best,Admin Katya

[houses-of-healing]

Hello, I'm Katie. It's my first time here, and if I could speak to anyone on personal loss, and grieving, that would be nice. I've been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month. Everything was great, we were very happy together.(Pt1)

I knew he had many medical issues, he always reassured me he had years to live. He died early on the morning of 7/13/16 while I was asleep. Everyone is telling me not to cry, and there will be someone else soon enough. I don’t know what to do.

Mae govannen, dear Katie.

Tears are a natural response to loss, and it is alright to grieve. To cry, to be sorrowful for a life loss and a relationship loss. I think some people too easily dismiss short relationships, or those carried over a great distance. As if somehow they have less weight for that purpose, as if somehow they mean less. As someone who has spent most of my life far from the one I love, I can promise you that it is not always so. 

Do not be afraid to cry. Do not be afraid to mourn. I can promise you that it will pass, though some sadness will always remain with the memory. And perhaps there will be someone else, after time has passed. I doubt you are ready for that, and I know it is not the point. Grief is not always quite so selfish, nor so callous. I doubt it is the relationship you miss, so much as it is him. 

The unfortunate truth of our word is that life is unpredictable. Accidents happen, or unseen complications with medical conditions. Life ends before we expect, before we are ready for it. All that remains for those of us who remain behind is to honor the memory of those we have lost, to remember them and what we loved about them. And then we must keep moving forward, keep living. If nothing else, they would want that of us. 

Take the time you need. Grieve however you need to, for however long. Ignore those who insist you shouldn’t cry. You have every right and every reason to be sad, to cry, to feel like you have lost something and someone important. But don’t let your life go, in the meantime. One step after another, keep moving forward. Eventually it will get easier to keep putting one foot before the other, and eventually life will feel normal again. You will never forget, but you will continue on. 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, friend.

- Aragorn

Admin note: Katie, I’m so sorry about the delay in our response. One of our admins felt very strongly about responding to this, but found it ultimately too difficult for her. And then some confusion arose and just... I do apologize! I hope in the interim you have begun to feel as if your feet are firmly on the ground and can keep moving forward again. ~Katya

[houses-of-healing]

Part 1 Hi, I'm Becca. I come from a close knit family whom I just recently moved away from to live with my BF. My BF and I have talked marriage so its serious between us. The problem is my family wont accept it. Since my move I cant even talk to them w/o it feeling like verbal abuse and they seem justified bcuz they dislike my BF and blame a lot on him. Its so bad that I dont want to talk to or see them but they dont seem to realize its bcuz of the way they treat me.

Cont. We’ve tried to stay involved with visits but us being around my fam together never turns out positive. I don’t understand bcuz my BF has been nothing but respectful w/o receiving the same. As a result I’ve sort of cut them off. My BF has been supportive and suggests I’m doing right by keeping my distance but I just want to feel like I’m making the right decision. It seems unfair our lives cant blend right now but they wont listen that they hurt me. Some advice would be helpful.

Dear Becca, 

I am afraid that it is rare to feel certain of your decisions, especially when there is no desirable option. I think, ultimately, it comes down to this: which would you rather have in your life? a boyfriend who has done all in his power to be respectful of your family, or the family who raised you and with whom you were close, but who are unable to accept your choices and the person you love?

It is not fair. Life is rarely fair. I know that does not make it easier. But it is truth. Ultimately, you must make the most of the situation, make the choices that are best for you. You are not at fault for this situation, and you are well within reason to distance yourself from your family. All I might suggest is this: sit down and talk with them. Just you and them. Ask why they feel the way they do about your boyfriend. Do not respond defensively, but try to see their side. And then ask the same of them in return. That they listen to and attempt to understand how you feel.

And explain to them that you have to distance yourself from them if they cannot accept that your boyfriend is an important part of your life. That way you are, in a sense, not only explaining where you stand, but also giving them an opportunity to do something about it. The choice isn’t entirely yours. You’re establishing what you need to be happy and to remain a part of the family, and asking them to work with you. If they will not, or cannot, then it is time to accept that and move on, difficult though it may be. But perhaps it will be easier, having given it another chance. 

I know it is not easy, but I have no solutions for you, Becca. Trust in your sense of what you need, and look after yourself. That must come first and foremost. 

- Aragorn

[houses-of-healing]

Dear Maglor, Thank you for taking time to read and respond to this. I'm being treated for some injuries, but the surgeries I've had are failing. I'm worried and finding it hard to stay optimistic, do you have reccomendations? -Wynnie

My dear friend,

Unfortunately, Maglor is unavailable at the moment, so I do hope you will not mind my answering in his stead. Obviously, optimism and positive thinking will help you in your recovery, but it is important as well to remember: it is okay to be worried. There is little I can say to help, I fear. Speak to the doctors treating you. Ask about the current treatment, about what options there might be should it fail, about where to go from here. Being as informed as possible will give you the power to make choices, to plan. To not have the worry of some elusive, unknown maybe hanging before you.

Take the time as well to do the things you enjoy, or if your injuries prevent them, to find other things to love, experience and take joy in. There is little we cannot overcome, but sometimes life requires that we change both mindset and habits. Do not be afraid of worry, nor be afraid to speak to others ( friends, family, etc ) who might support you through this. Find the small joys in life to experience, and know what options you will have. You might find more reassurance in knowing than you realize!

I do hope you will find some guidance in this, but do not be afraid to return to us if you need someone to speak with.

Be strong, my friend!

- Eowyn

[houses-of-healing]

This is Ashley for Aragorn. Thanks so much for your reply. :) I do feel a lot better now. I forgave her a long time ago, but the hurt was still there because I was trying to carry it alone. I also went and vented to a good friend of mind and told her every unpleasant detail, and that really takes a weight off me. :)

Dear Ashley,

I am delighted to hear that you are feeling better. Often all we need is to share our feelings. I am glad you have a good friend with whom you can share your thoughts and emotions, and I and my companions are always here should you need!

May all the best go with you.

Yours,

Aragorn

[houses-of-healing]

just wondering what you would think if i had a strong impression one of the characters in tolkien abused a character on here and that they made me uncomfortable

Hi there, nonny! My fellow admins and I are a little confused by your message. Are you saying that there is a character we represent on this blog who makes you uncomfortable? If so, please do come clarify and let us know who... Unfortunately, it’s unlikely we’ll be able to stop writing a character, especially if it is one other people ask for, but we will be glad to do whatever we can to help keep you as comfortable as possible. If ever there is something on this blog that you need to keep off your dash, it is very easy! There are several (safe) extensions to your browser that will allow you to blacklist a word or phrase to keep it hidden! You can use either xkit’s blacklist, or tumblr saviour. We here on Houses of Healing tag every ask with “Answered by [character name],” as well as with the topics addressed, so it’s all very easy to blacklist. 

But regardless, please do come clarify with us! If you felt comfortable doing so off anon, it would allow us to figure out the matter privately without troubling people’s dashes, but if not, no worries! But do let us know what you meant ( and which character it is ) and what you would like from us, as admins, to do! Obviously it’s really important to us that everyone is heard and kept as safe and comfortable as possible, but without knowing a little more, we don’t really know how to do that!

         ~ Admin Katya

[houses-of-healing]

To Bard; since you're such a good dad, I thought you could help me. My father is na okay father. He is nice, not abusive at all (neither to me or my mom) but very selfish... he has never paid health care for me and this month my mom didnt have the Money so she asked him to pay and he got super mad. He prefers to spend his Money on himself and other women rather than with his Family (he has been like this since i was born (pt. 1) - A.

Cont. my mom wants to divorce but my grandma (his mom) is very conservative and will probably die if this happens. also he doesnt have anywhere to go and my mom feels sorry for him. i’m very angry and sad about this. my question is: how can i confront him in a peaceful way? like how can i say ‘we cant stand you anymore!! leave now!! my mom is getting depressed because of you!!!’ in a nice way? Thanks!

My dear A,

Unfortunately, I do not believe this is something that can come from you, as his child. It involves your mother as much as it does you, and to take agency in the matter from her is unfair. I would speak to her. Sit down in private and discuss options together as a family. A family excluding a father who clearly has no desire to be part of the family. Divorce should remain an option. Separation another one. If you are yet underage, it is likely a divorce settlement would require that your father contribute child support.

Is your grandmother aware of your father’s behaviour? Selfishness, failure to be part of the family and to contribute to his child’s well-being, other women? I gather her health is not strong? Regardless, she might prove a powerful force in influencing his behaviour, if she were made aware. Especially if her conservative tendencies lead her to a strong belief in marriage and family. Again, discuss it as an option with your mother.

Together you could present a united front, you and your mother, in whatever course of action you deem appropriate. Be that asking him to leave, resolving on divorce, whatever it need be. Your grandmother could be part of it, or not, depending on her sentiments and health. That all would be choices for you and your mother to make.

If you wish to speak to your father, you could mention how hurtful it is, for you, to feel as if he does not wish to support your life, future, well-being. That you are worried about your mother. But if he has reacted in anger in the past, it is unlikely he will listen.

But also, remind your mother that is it not her responsibility to see him housed or cared for. Such things must be mutual. He must look out for her, and for you, even as she does for him. If he does not wish to play the part of father and husband, he has given up any right to her sympathies. He can spend his money on looking out for himself and finding himself a new place to live. It will be hard for her, especially if she still loves him. But do speak with her. All will be easier if you can support each other and work together as family. 

And know that you  have my support as well, A. 

Regards,

Bard