#personal loss

[strange-little-spy]

I might be a tad distant for a little while, I have a family friend who's dying and its affecting me and my friend pretty hard and just...yeah, I'm going to be dealing with that.

Sorry in advance for the radio silence

[lyre-de-kalliope]

"There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid."

Officially thrombing with pain

The beautiful character of Hagrid and I shared birthdays, and I couldn't be more ecstatic about it. For the first time, I feel a deep personal loss💔

Hagrid won't seem Hagrid without Robbie Coltrane, but as he said, "I'll not be here sadly, but Hagrid will."

[theoriginalladya]

Is 2022 over yet?

Almost three weeks ago, my father entered the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. Turns out, that isn't what it was. We're still not sure WHAT it is, exactly, but he's been slowly deteriorating. He's been in ICU and on a ventilator for two and a half weeks. Today, we all had a conversation with his attending physician. They haven't given up hope yet, and they are actually checking into something for us, but as it stands right now, next week we will likely have to make a very tough decision.

My dad used to teach law. He retired a few years ago. Told me he was going to live to 100 with his girlfriend and they were going to do some travelling. He was gathering together all the photos he's taken over the last 50+ years and making digital copies for me and my two brothers. When I was younger, he was my softball coach (god how I hated that, but without him we wouldn't have had a team). When I finally had enough of my boss at the end of last year, he was the one I called to talk over whether or not I should leave and what steps I should take. We are very much alike - in looks, to some point in personalities - and we are both stubborn as hell. We clashed. We laughed. We cried.

Next week, I am likely going to lose my dad. Five years ago, give or take a week or two, I lost my mom. My brothers and I aren't close - we never have been, and we live thousands of miles apart in two different countries.

My dad was going to live to 100. He isn't even going to make 80. Losing mom was difficult because we were finally getting close when she got sick. Losing dad is going to be worse in some ways, I think. I'm going to be alone - my worst nightmare come true. I have my son, and I do have my Ex (he's been very supportive through this, thank goodness).

In September 2020 when I got COVID, I remember being annoyed by him texting me everyday. Can you breathe okay? How are you feeling? Do you need to go to the doctor or the hospital? Do you have a fever?

I'm just rambling at this point, I guess. Trying to find a way through this. Thank GOD for internet friends! Or, as @shadoedseptmbr has taught me to call them, 'pocket friends'. I don't know what I'd do without you all right now! Knowing you're out there, even if it's just in passing - liking posts, reading stories, ooohing and ahhhing over arts - whatever the reason, you guys make me smile and I need that right now. At the moment, I'm as okay as I can be. I'm trying to lose myself in characters and story ideas and fantasy worlds so that I can cope with everything. Not a perfect solution, but a solution that works at the moment.

Dad isn't gone yet - I know that - and until he is, I'm going to hope, no matter how little chance there might be, that something turns it around, that he gets his miracle. And if not? Well, I can be content that he and mom will be together again. They were married for 53 years, together for 56 before cancer took her. He was devastated by her loss. So, there is some happiness to be found in all of this, I suppose. If you look at things a certain way.

[fajada-sunrise]

TW for the following! Death, COVID, veiled political “hazing” (minor)

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Dear Grandma,

I hope it’s nice in the next life. I hope you find your way in heaven. I hope you find the ones who left us before you.

I hope you finally rest.

I hope you’re finally free of the pains of this world. I hope you aren’t sick there.

I hope you find Grandpa and Critter. Say hi to them all over there for us.

We all miss you, especially your kitty.

Rest In Peace Grandma, may the angels guide you to the next life—even if we’re religious like you.

And to the rest of you—

Some already know what I’m about to say, but I need to tell the world about it right now—

My grandmother recently passed away from COVID-19 on the 23rd of February.

She was 86 and managed to beat cancer a few years ago, but COVID managed to take her this time.

May her death be an example to those who don’t believe in COVID, or believe masks are useless, or would rather go to the store and their job without quarantining after being sick or traveling or coming in contact with another sick person.

So please wear a mask—they do help...a lot. They don’t “impede on your freedoms as an American”. It’s because of you ignorant people that COVID has spread so far for so long and killed so many, including my grandmother.

And if you read this post and say to yourself that anything I claim about the danger of Covid or the effectiveness of masks is a load of bullsh*t—please do me a favor or removing yourself from my dash and let myself and my family grieve our loss without your ignorance of 𝑓𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑠.

Goodnight to you all.

(And leave some good thoughts to every other family who has to watch friends and family suffer in the hospital to COVID. Pray to which ever god(s) you’d like—could be Chtulu for all I care....just leave good thoughts to these people)

[loveisonlyforthebrave8]

this year fucking sucks

[soomibeephotos]

I was on the train home from my hike and the warmth from the sun coming through the big windows felt somewhat familiar. Like the warmth you feel when you're at the beach or at the park with family. Or the warmth you feel when you're in a car during a long road trip, on the verge of being too hot but not enough to burn you. It felt nice, in a nostalgic kind of way. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sun and the steady sound of the train. I might have dozed off because I swear I saw your face again. It was random, really. We were laughing at something silly you did, you know, the usual. I woke with a big smile on my face, but I soon realized that I was in public. I must have looked crazy to the other passengers. I looked around to confirm, but nobody was really looking my way. I turned to look at the seat in front of me, half expecting that you would be there, of course you weren't. I hung my head low for a while, trying hard not to cry. For a moment there I forgot that you were gone.

[selfilluminatingkyu]

I lost one of the most important people in my life today and while I am so, so, so very grateful that she is no longer in pain or suffering I am so devastated because I always had this picture in my head of her meeting my future husband (and absolutely reading him the riot act about how she’d absolutely obliterate him if he ever hurt me); her being at my wedding; her meeting my children (and essentially her grandchildren) and none of that is going to happen. I just always thought that if my biological grandmothers weren’t going to be able to do all of those things, at least the woman who’d essentially adopted me as her own could.  

I have so much to thank her for...and I didn’t get to and I am so sorrowful about that because I don’t think she heard it enough. The woman raised me into the strongly fierce and independent woman I am. I am loyal, warm and kind-hearted because of her teachings. Zealous in my pursuit of what I want because of her instructions. And tougher than nails with the thickest skin because she wouldn’t allow me to be anything less. 

I am so blessed to have had her in my life, but I’m heartbroken to have to say goodbye. 

[noir-selune-and-sombra]