Almost three weeks ago, my father entered the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. Turns out, that isn't what it was. We're still not sure WHAT it is, exactly, but he's been slowly deteriorating. He's been in ICU and on a ventilator for two and a half weeks. Today, we all had a conversation with his attending physician. They haven't given up hope yet, and they are actually checking into something for us, but as it stands right now, next week we will likely have to make a very tough decision.
My dad used to teach law. He retired a few years ago. Told me he was going to live to 100 with his girlfriend and they were going to do some travelling. He was gathering together all the photos he's taken over the last 50+ years and making digital copies for me and my two brothers. When I was younger, he was my softball coach (god how I hated that, but without him we wouldn't have had a team). When I finally had enough of my boss at the end of last year, he was the one I called to talk over whether or not I should leave and what steps I should take. We are very much alike - in looks, to some point in personalities - and we are both stubborn as hell. We clashed. We laughed. We cried.
Next week, I am likely going to lose my dad. Five years ago, give or take a week or two, I lost my mom. My brothers and I aren't close - we never have been, and we live thousands of miles apart in two different countries.
My dad was going to live to 100. He isn't even going to make 80. Losing mom was difficult because we were finally getting close when she got sick. Losing dad is going to be worse in some ways, I think. I'm going to be alone - my worst nightmare come true. I have my son, and I do have my Ex (he's been very supportive through this, thank goodness).
In September 2020 when I got COVID, I remember being annoyed by him texting me everyday. Can you breathe okay? How are you feeling? Do you need to go to the doctor or the hospital? Do you have a fever?
I'm just rambling at this point, I guess. Trying to find a way through this. Thank GOD for internet friends! Or, as @shadoedseptmbr has taught me to call them, 'pocket friends'. I don't know what I'd do without you all right now! Knowing you're out there, even if it's just in passing - liking posts, reading stories, ooohing and ahhhing over arts - whatever the reason, you guys make me smile and I need that right now. At the moment, I'm as okay as I can be. I'm trying to lose myself in characters and story ideas and fantasy worlds so that I can cope with everything. Not a perfect solution, but a solution that works at the moment.
Dad isn't gone yet - I know that - and until he is, I'm going to hope, no matter how little chance there might be, that something turns it around, that he gets his miracle. And if not? Well, I can be content that he and mom will be together again. They were married for 53 years, together for 56 before cancer took her. He was devastated by her loss. So, there is some happiness to be found in all of this, I suppose. If you look at things a certain way.
