Headlines I wish were real
Tony Abbott's pants spontaneously catch fire Man swims with great white sharks every week for sixteen years; claims he's great friends with most Koalas caught riding giraffe during daring daytime robbery Scientists prove your mom is the biggest object in the universe Bill Nye and Neil De Grass Tyson win back people's hearts by making Pluto earth's second moon Tides mysteriously rise and most of Florida is now ruled by gators and pythons Adrian finally fucking does the shit I've asked him to do; we make millions Dead celebrities rise from the grave to continue making movies; Death incarnate claims reaping was clerical error Whose a pretty kitty? Fifteen injured when someone plays "everybody dance now"in crowded mall. Pope receives prank phone call from Ganesh and Thor, thanks them for the good humor in Sunday speech Marvel to green light eighteen new original story Super heroine movies; dead pool seen striking The cat in the window costs two hundred dollars Justin Bieber no longer welcome in North America; lives in Dutch airport Texas man remembers the Alamo but not the milk Obama gives white people permission to use the n word Obama's real birth certificate surfaces, literally from Atlantis Fifth dentist admits he would recommend product but hates second dentist for sleeping with his daughter God delivers notebook on creation, finally answers chicken egg debate Man accidentally burns down Australia, residents say it's colder than before Ticker tape parade delayed as no one has ticker tape anymore
