I mean yea, itās Fatherās Day and I just had my annual lunch with my dad (actually we had 2 this year), so stuff about my complex difficult relationship with him and all the issues I still need to deal with once I get my butt back to therapy is kinda knocking me out.
And Iām also really worried about my one roomie who is having mega-emotional issues which he is self medicating with instead of finding a new psych. to treat him/adjust meds/whatever he needs.Ā
But itās also one week away from when Iām going to spend a week and a day with my best friend. Which is hard for reasons Iāve only vague-posted about before. Sheās recently given me permission to talk about it publicly though (only in spaces where some folks she hasnāt told yet arenāt around and tumblr counts).
Iām gonna put this under a read more in case stuff about cancer is triggery for anyone reading.
So here goes. In January, my bestest friend in the whole wide world was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had retinal cancer as a baby and her mom died of cancer, so we always knew there was a high chance of her getting it again, but of course knowing that and having it happen are two very different things.
My bestest is one of the closest people in the world to me (right up there with my mom and my ex - the same roomie I mentioned being worried about above). Weāve been besties since high school and been through a whole slew of shit together. Sheās been there for me during so many of my own crises in ways that no one else was or could have been. She is the kindest, most generous, most loving and overall most amazing person I know.Ā
Thankfully, all of her doctors agree that this cancer is curable. I try not to focus on the fact that shit happens and there could be unforeseen complications or she could get another form again later yaddayadda - itās hard enough dealing with the current reality without letting that other stuff seep in.Ā
My bestest doesnāt have a ton of local support. Her sister lives a couple hours away and has come in for a lot of appointments (bestest just completed 20 weeks of chemo!!) and to help with certain things, but her sister has 3 kids and a job and can only do so much.Ā
I, also, live a couple hours away and canāt drive and travel is fucking hard on me so while I managed to sneak a half hour visit in with her on Motherās Day when my mom was driving us to another town in the area to visit my bro and his family - Iāve been otherwise kind of desperate to see and be there for my friend.
Iāve been talking with her on the phone a lot (I am not a phone person but she is and also my gods have I been needing that connection with her also), and doing lots of looking stuff up online and being a conduit of info to mutual friends and finding resources and whatever else I can think of to do really.
But this coming Friday she is having a double mastectomy and her sister can only stay for a couple of nights. When I started reading up on the surgery and what the recovery would be like and stuff a couple months back, I kind of panicked about who could take care of my bestest. And there were no good answers. So I volunteered. And Iām doing it. But itās gonna be really hard. Iām pretty disabled myself. But Iām determined to do this because she needs it.Ā
I have to take a bus there, but fortunately things worked out for me to get a ride home at the end of the trip. Iām so worried about my friend, and Iām anxious about how Iām going to manage, and as I mentioned above Iām having complex issues around my dad, and worried about my roomie, and the people I normally go to with this kinda stuff are: 1) my bestest who Iām not gonna lay any of this on for obvious reasons, and 2) my ex/roomie who is not exactly positioned to be a support to me rn and who I am at any moment either really worried about or really angry at or both, and 3) my mom - who letās just say has her own shit to deal with rn too and who is turning 70 this summer and is starting to show her age and who Iām also worried about and feeling like I should really be relying on less because Iāve leaned on her my whole life and itās probably about time for those roles to be reversed yk?
So anyway. Iām having a rough day. And at least I can finally talk about the one big reason things have been hard since January. If you read this - thank you, and yes aĀ ālikeā will let me you know read and care.Ā
Donāt settle for a life not worth living. Do what you love even if itās just playing video games or going outside.
This life is a gift to us, an we owe it too ourselves to live it right, so no matter what important responsibilities you have. Make sure to not let it take from what you love.
Go too work but when you get home, sing in the shower.
Do the dishes, but when your done, eats some cake.
