I still can't get over this AENEM chapter art by @yoursocialchameleon and so I wanted to take a moment to break down the seven 'Kendras' here to shout out some of my other favorite AUs!
From left to right:
Angel from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003)
Kendra from the Shades of Purple AU by @the-lavender-clown
Fairy Kendra from the rottmnt fairy AU by @lara-cherriinie
A Bad Future Kendra from the Saving Purple AU by _wild.ghuleh
Kendra from the Addams Family Rottmnt AU by @lackablazeical
Angel from Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2024)
As open as I am, I've never been one to discuss my personal life via social media. I still don't intend to, but to give context, as none of you would be aware: Since March of this year, I have been writing under conditions that I think the general populace would consider completely unhinged. That I would update not one, but two stories simultaneously while going through what I am consistently charts as a head turning anomaly to the people who knew my situation. I already was forced to step back once and that was before things got much worse. I've grappled desperately to keep writing because, in honest truth, it's what I love to do. I don't feel as though I'm suffering a sort of writer's block. I continue to write new stories and refine my current ones on a daily basis, but making these into anything more than summarized outlines is proving difficult.
Starting in August, there was an even more intense shift in my existence and since that time I've found it harder and harder to put metaphorical pen to paper (I suppose that's literal hands to keyboard). I started to dread what that meant for posting which kicked off a cycle of stress. I felt guilty for not writing. Feeling guilty would push me to write despite not being in the right mindset and I found myself getting more and more aggravated. Around the time I was writing Soft Spot chapter 60 and AENEM chapter 28 I was subscribing to the art trend that was going around of Just Make It Exist First, You Can Make It Good Later. My thoughts turned to just finish, just finish, just finish a chapter which was easier for AENEM because it's a fun character exploration, but proved near impossible for Soft Spot which requires infinitely more delicacy and study to create. By the time I wrote Soft Spot chapter 62, I felt as though I had pulled rotted teeth out with my bare hands. I hated every second of its creation. I despised what came out of it, but it existed right? Couldn't I just make it good later?
Well, I sit before you, the day of it's posting to tell you, absolutely not. No amount of my betas review or reassurance shifted the needle. I continue to hate the chapter and I can't in good conscience publish something like that. I've hit walls before; that's being a writer, but this is a case of fundamental break down. I'm beginning to loathe the idea of doing the thing I love most because I've overtaxed myself and the funniest thing is I hate to admit that! I want to be the person that churns out chapters because it is what I like doing. I like writing and I like creating my silly little stories, but right now, against my will, I am in a place where my life won't let me. For my own well being and so I don't grow to loathe the thing I truly love, I need to step back.
What does this mean?
I am going to take the rest of October off. I believe all 31 days of October is Halloween and Halloween is my favorite holiday. I watch a spooky movie every day to celebrate, have for years, and I'm going to do that and visit my best friend, and do a bunch of kitschy activities in my terribly niche costume that only I recognize, but totally adore.
I will be back to posting starting the first Friday of November (11/7) and Fridays will continue to be my posting days. However, both Soft Spot and AENEM will now be biweekly. They will switch off (Soft Spot (11/7), ANEM (11/14), Soft Spot (11/21), AENEM (11/28), etc and so forth). I know this might not make a majority of folks happy because most people are only here for Soft Spot, but, as always, I write for myself first and foremost. Do I love the Villian's Mark series? Of course, it's my baby that I have crafted myself since day one, but is AENEM my happy place? You bet your bippy it is! AENEM has been my fucking oasis amongst this hell. Kenkey scratches an itch in my brain that makes me so happy.
Also, I'm sure you all know I absolutely love supporting the rise community, but gathering resources and going through commissioning a different artist for every single chapter of AENEM has presented its own stressful challenges. Thankfully @shardkn1ght is a total dear, so expect them to be illustrating both works for the time being.
That's about it! As always, thank you to my betas @tmntxthings and @unrestrainedhotsoup for dealing with my woes. If any of this is confusing or if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out. I appreciate you all for being understanding. Please know that I hate this reduction in content just as much as you! Ah, if only this was a world where I didn't need to do what I do and had more time to write. Maybe one day that can be my sole job, but until then! Thank you for your readership and I hope you have a fabulous Halloween 🎃
May I present: Dork's take on Renet courtesy of the fabulous ryoko.may
Since time would be especially an illusion to a timestress the left represents Renet when she first started working and the right is what she currently looks like~
As seen in the most recent chapter of AENEM
If you want to see a full design breakdown, there's one going up on on my Patreon, but if there's anything you'd like to know here, feel free!
Attempted Execute of Non-Executable Memory - Chapter 43
RotTMNT Michelangelo x Kendra
@yoursocialchameleon went above and beyond to make my vision for this chapter a reality! I'm completely obsessed with the result! Besides looking awesome, it's also an homage to some of my favorite 'Kendras!'
Rated: Teen and Up Audiences
Warnings/Tags: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Romance, Aged-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles, Human/Turtle Relationships (TMNT), I Flesh Out Kendra’s Character, Character Study, I Give Kendra a Backstory, Post-Canon, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Childhood Trauma, Fake/Pretend Turned Real Relationships, First Generation Immigrant Kid Problems, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chaos Soulmates, They’re the Same Flavor of Unhinged and I Swear it Works, Shared Trauma Shared Goals Shared Bed, Mutually Assured Character Development, Happy Ending, Drug Use
Synopsis: Years have passed since Kendra hit the lowest of lows. It only took a couple of prison stints, but she’s carved out a simple existence that keeps her from repeating past mistakes. Plan goes according to boring plan until divine inspiration walks in using the form of one specific orange coded mutant. Kendra only needs to get close enough to him to plant a virus in his infuriating brother’s servers, but will she be infected along the way?
Also available on Ao3
First 🧡 Previous
The leaves were loose around Central Park. It wasn’t due to any particular season. There had been heavy rain the night before. The downpour knocked swaths of mostly green and some yellowing edges down from their perches. They matted with water and concrete to create a ground level paper mache. Instead of drying, the still damp air slicked the sculptures into slime. Kendra walked around them as she looked up at the cloudless sky.
It seemed as though the storm had never been there if you only looked up. To see the wreckage, you had to look for it. It clung to the muddled leaves and damp fairy rings where the sun hadn’t quite sought to clean up its mess. It had been a few weighty days, though the weather only troubled one. Since revealing her accursed virus plan to Mikey, she had given him the time he required. By that agreement, she had done her best to not pester him.
She gave him space even though she might have stared at their text window more than a few times. She thought of the many ways they would come back together, good or bad, despite not wanting to linger. She often laid awake instead of scrolling, just to sit alone with her thoughts. She had never considered herself much of a fixer. When things were broken, her help was one she offered begrudgingly. Typically, she was the only one with the necessary skill set to take care of the problem. It had been part of the reason why she had been so convinced she could be the one to fix this wretched world.
She had been so self-obsessed, it made her sick.
She wouldn’t say she still didn’t think of herself that highly, but she felt more learned than her intelligence ever lent.
She needed others to succeed.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Everything in-between, not that she cared for spirituality, or whatever else that implied.
She walked to Central Park while avoiding the leavings of the storm and entered the green space looking like the epicenter of her trek. Here, where plants proliferated was all sorts of detritus. It had been tossed around and ground workers were still cleaning up. The spill entered opening hours and she milled toward the place Mikey designated they meet when he had called last night just before the storm hit.
It had been a short exchange.
No one asked how the other was.
Pleasantries felt strange.
They planned to meet and the goodbye was just as foreign.
He gave little away.
Kendra hadn’t dwelled on it.
What happened now was out of her control.
Acknowledging and acting on such were usually two different things, but today they were the same.
She was alright with that.
About as alright as melted leaves, but, just as the foliage, the feeling was transient. The worst ad case scenario she ever conjured was loneliness, a feeling she knew well, but continuation. If they were to break up, she would throw herself to that career with renewed knowledge of its pitfalls. She would keep busy, maybe meet someone else a few years from now, but they were formless and inconsequential. She was the one with shape and that felt like all that mattered.
Mikey was near a tree and stuffed into a colorful windbreaker when she saw him. It looked to be from another decade and he appeared as out of place as it was. He was looking skyward with the faintest frown tugging at his lips. He considered the lack of clouds with a sort of disdain as if they were at fault for how he had dressed as opposed to him having not checked the weather before coming up from underground.
“Hey.” She called out.
His registration hit the blue of the sky before her.
There were no names as she approached.
No sweeps of wind or gushes off feet.
She walked up and he turned to face her.
Electric wasn’t the word.
Magnetic seemed closer.
She felt inexplicably drawn to him.
Based on the way she shifted her weight from one foot to the other and he clearly followed, she had a feeling it was the same for him.
She opened her mouth, unsure of for what, but his words came out.
“I’m not angry!”
She froze, agape.
“I’m upset.” He trended against the magnetic field.
She was drawn in the mirrored direction.
“I… I’ve had a lot of time to think, to cool down and I don’t know if I was ever mad… I don’t think I was disappointed. That’s not right either. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how maybe you thought I was and I told myself I would for sure start by telling you that everything’s alright.”
She waited for the conjunction that seemed like it would follow.
“But…!”
There it was.
“I am upset! I’m hurt you didn’t tell me. You were hatching a plot! You were trying to pull off a caper! On Donnie! That that was something that was still happening and, knowing now, it’s hard not to see that that was obviously what you were so intent on doing those first few dates. That’s why you acted the way you did and, it makes so much sense now, I feel stupid for not noticing.”
Her fingers forced her hand up.
He tracked the motion. “But it’s also weird because I never thought about us as being fake? In fact, it took two days for me to even think of that as a possibility! What we did, every time we went out, never seemed like it wasn’t real. It was like I got the rest of the context for why you had been struggling, which I had attributed to like ten other things, all of which I never knew at the time either and were also things you had to tell me with time, but also that made me wonder if those things upset me, which, they didn’t, and why that was!?”
A smile tried to catch her so she wrinkled her lips.
“But that’s my family, Kendra.” He looked right into her very being.
The grin was gone and she nodded one studious time.
“My family… who I accepted you had hurt before and I never considered you would try to hurt again. You know I believe in redemption. I don't think anyone should be defined by what they did in the past. I've given chances to people my family have outright told me not to.”
“Right…”
“Kendra.”
She was still looking right at him, but really saw him in that moment.
His windbreaker was loud.
His pants were clean.
His hair was kempt.
He looked as though he had bathed and primped for this very moment.
To be taken seriously in a way he typically thought of as hypocritical, but still acted out regardless.
She fluffed herself up with a shimmy to say she was ready for whatever he thought was this important.
“Don’t you dare think you can ever take advantage of me like this again, got that? Not for them. Not to me.”
His lowered lids punctuated his sharpened pupils.
He pierced her.
He wasn’t having her make a promise.
He was taking an oath himself.
Drawing a very real line.
One that turned over her stomach and punctured the word ‘hot’ in her mind with a skewer.
She wasn’t humiliated for probably the first time by her own proclivities.
She embraced the depravity because her boyfriend, the one whom she had underestimated right from the start, had come his own distance.
Because of her.
Not due to her unsavory antics.
Because of her push for him to prioritize himself.
He had done it with his brothers.
He was doing it with her.
All because they were better together.
She nodded way too long after he had said the sentence, but he didn’t notice.
He nearly collapsed into himself as he went full slack above the waist and lolled like an old push puppet. “Ahh! I feel so light! I’ve felt like all of Raph’s weight sets have been on top of me for the last few days!”
“I don’t know if I’ve slept.”
“Right!?” He whined and forced himself upright. “Can I one-two punch the bad stuff with the good now?”
“You didn’t ask me if I wanted the bad news first.” She chanced the faintest scold.
He paused before his eyes flew to find hers. “I didn’t!”
“I guess the good is all that’s left?”
“No, I’m still upset. I think that’s just going to be there.”
She buttoned her lip in a twitch. “Makes sense…”
“Don’t like… try to make it up to me. That sounds so icky. Just… be you and show me you meant what you said. That you don’t care anymore about doing your virus plan or any vengeance against my brother and… I’ll eventually know it’s true.”
“Show it.” She agreed.
He chanced an almost smile.
“Tell me the good part.” She quelled her racing heart.
“I’m so proud of you!” He hugged her.
He knocked her backward into a 70 degree angle and held her there while her spine protested the bend.
“I’m really glad you told me and the way you did it? Wow! I know how hard spilling your guts is for you and you didn’t deflect once! You told me straight up. You owned that it was bad. You fully accepted how it would go! You also left me alone! No texts and no terror! The Kendra I knew from just a few months or whatever ago who was afraid I would leave? Girl, where is she?! I played the scene over a hundred times and you didn’t even look anxious.”
She squirmed until her mouth was free from his bicep. “I definitely was!”
“Even better!” He squeezed.
She gargled.
“You could have lost me!” He lifted her off the ground.
She could feel her legs again as they dangled. “I had to tell you!”
“Right!?” He tipped the other direction so she was leaning against him instead of smothered. “You risked everything because you knew you had to be honest! Imagine that from Kendra Byerly!”
She had space to stare down at him.
“If we can’t be honest with each other, what’s the point?”
She knew she wasn’t blinking.
“Praise me too! I remember you asking me about our future before. Like, way before. Before you told me.”
“It’s been five days.” She felt herself mouth a timeline she wasn’t currently conscious of.
“Well…”
He made a big show of setting her back on her feet.
Of not letting go.
Of coming down so they were at eye level to say.
“I’d like to talk about it now… if you still want to… too?”
She wobbled.
Not on her shoes.
Not in his hold.
Emotionally shook and scorching tears broke free for the first time since before the thought of being honest with Mikey was her only possible next step.
She didn’t sob.
She wasn’t even sure if it was a proper cry.
Her eyes leaked the pent up emotion and sheer relief and she nodded with the intention of burying into him.
“Woah…! Oh!” Mikey moved in time.
Their foreheads slammed together and they both flinched apart.
“Ow!”
“Shit!”
There was a momentary pause where they saw each other through raised limbs.
Ones to nurse the sting.
They both smiled.
They laughed.
“Fuck!” She scrubbed her forehead. “Yes! Obviously, yes!”
“Cool, obvious start would be like: we’re dating, right?”
“Michael… angelo!” She segmented his name in horror.
“I mentioned it! We had this unsaid thing about no labels! That’s kind of my personal way of life too, so…!”
“How can a therapist advocate no labels! Isn’t diagnosis…?” She flailed because the thought of spouting her own therapy speak repulsed her.
“Okay, yes, those help, but I’m talking construct labels here. One’s like intelligence, gender, and success!”
“Oh…” She felt as though several of those had come up organically throughout their relationship.
“Yeah! Like how I don’t like saying mutant. Yeah!”
“Mutant?!” She reached up and thumbed his bump.
He squealed out of her grip and jogged a few steps away while covering his face. “I don’t know! Just ‘cause I’m green doesn’t mean I’m a different species!”
“I am so sure you literally are! You’re a splice of two different species! That makes you a new thing!”
“New!” He pulled a hand away and rotated to point. “You said it! So why am I under the same classification as-!?”
She had a retort on her lips, but there was something about the way he stalled.
It wasn’t on purpose.
He saw something.
Or, more accurately, he was looking at something.
Fixed on it and she had to tip-toe close to him to gauge the direction of which.
“It’s-it’s her...” He spoke before she found out who.
Off the path, across the grass, and quite literally gleaming in the sun was a golden woman.
It was Kendra’s turn to fixate.
The woman’s skin glittered from a fine ray not unlike a statue. If she was one of the living ones, she hadn’t done a good job on her coordinating outfit. Instead of being entirely coated in gold, she had chosen to donned her golden body with something she appeared to have salvaged from some futuristic thrift shop. Her well-loved boots dug divots into the wet grass as she laid over the ground. The rips in her jeans peeled against the blades and her knees formed an anchor point. Strings of chains barely patched a hole where the pockets of her pants should have been and revealed more of that metallic skin. Any modesty her torso required was covered by what appeared to be a skin-tight latex body suit. It’s appearance was only hinted as a small cropped leather jacket acted as a short-sleeved shrug around her shoulders. Wherever she could, she adorned edges and accents with little bits of jewelry. They were rebellious pops that defined her style, nearly as much as the elaborate and brightly colored piece of cloth wrapped around her head. Despite looking like a human style, something about the way it pressed so cleanly to her cranium made Kendra wonder if this woman had ears or if they were covertly tucked away into her headdress.
The living fixture was staring with all her might at what looked like any other part of the field she was laying in.
“It’s her…” Mikey repeated and trended that direction.
Kendra followed closely.
She had to be more aware because her boyfriend wasn’t.
Running contingencies in case she needed to pull him away or call Leo or Raph, she mentally located her phone among the few other items on her person.
“C’mon big cheese, ya gotta scram…” The woman spoke and her voice sounded like everything.
Kendra dug her nails into Mikey’s windbreaker and it crinkled.
The woman lurched forward in a scramble to protect something that appeared small and threw her head towards the noise.
Kendra saw the way she saw Mikey.
She didn’t.
She appeared to register the space around his person before her vision seemed to adjust.
As if she had to dial in on his existence.
She rose on her arms, but kept the thing on the ground concealed. “Wait… Is that…?”
Mikey slowly brought up a finger to point at himself.
“You’re a Michelangelo! That’s Jake. I know this…”
Kendra heard Mikey blink since his eyes were so wide.
“No, that wasn’t this timeline…” She muttered as her gaze darted. “Not the one you yeeted out of. Not bum rap one either. This chronology has a CJ so it’s still snapping my boss’s cap, but me n’ him been at it like cats and dogs for centuries on that sticky-wicket…!”
She gasped her hands straight over her mouth.
“That means you’re… graffiti kid! Do you remember me? You were the wild style brat that was messing with my tags!”
“It’s you.” Mikey kept his tears in check. “You’re real.”
“Real as rain!” She seemed to remember something. “Though that’s not happening now, is it?”
She looked at the cloudless sky.
“I think it’s alright.” She blinked a few times and Kendra couldn’t locate any visible sclera in her dark orbs.
Or a nose.
Her face was as smooth as her skin texture, but she ticked like a clock as she remembered she was speaking to someone and returned to Earth. “Never thought I’d see you again. I’m not sure we’re supposed to.”
“You look just like I remember.” The spell of newness had yet to be broken on him.
“Do I?” She looked down at her shimmering arms. “It’s been… Hm…”
“Twenty years.”
“Twenty-“ The next words out of her mouth were incomprehensible.
Mikey faintly inhaled.
“I’d have to check…!” She squawked as she reached for something, but shifted to scour the ground. “Shaver!? Where’d you go!?”
Mikey ventured forward. “Shaver?”
“The little shrimp!” She scrambled on her hands and knees. “I can’t remember-! The…! Oh, what’s the word earthlings on this side of the axis would use!?”
An alien, Kendra gaped as she realized that was exactly what Renet was.
“Cat-or-pillar!” She jumped not unlike a cat several feet to the left. “Found him! Right-on! He’s finally almost back to his pad!!”
Mikey watched her lean back on her haunches to give thanks to the skies above. “You’re… watching a caterpillar?”
“Protecting!” She stood, keeping her eyes on an exact spot on the ground and held out her hand where a small, handheld scepter appeared in a glitter of what looked like fine, but shimmering dust. “If I don’t make sure the little dude gets back to his habituations, then the whole Eastern Seaboard will sink next month. A guy with a rake is going to make a big mistake if shorty isn’t back in his crib.”
Kendra’s gaze narrowed as she tried to make sense of the language.
“That rain last night wasn’t right as! Someone did it unnatural like which sent put timeline a little outta whack, but it’s an easy enough fix.”
A city worker neared them with a rake he was using to catch leaves.
The woman pointed at him threateningly. “Don’t cheese-me off, G-man!!”
The man gave them the dull New York acknowledgement before brushing his business elsewhere as whatever this was, wasn’t worth his time.
“Another day, another timeline.” She nodded resolutely before she loosened.
Like there was weight there and it came off her shoulders.
Her job appeared to be done.
Kendra felt that was far too familiar.
If she wasn’t wrong, then those dark eyes were covering up a world of exhaustion. The kind that usually followed a long shift after serving your last customer. The expression came from someone who still had to close. All that mopping, prepping, and counting left in the never ending bustle. It wore on golden cheeks before she recalled she had guests. “Since this crisis was averted early, I have a few extra minutes now! How are things going with your art? Are you still tagging?”
Before Kendra realized what was happening, Mikey was gone from her clutches and hugged the woman around her middle.
Her skin and jewelry sparkled in the sun.
Her arms came up with the curvature of an alarmed bird, but she peered down at Mikey with a calm expression.
“I never thought I’d see you again!” He held on harder.
She lightly patted his shell. “It’s alright. I’m here now…”
“I always…” He squeezed one more time before looking up at her. “… wanted to thank you! You taught me so much! I know we only met once, but it meant the world to me! I feel like you taught me everything about graffiti, but also community! I’ve used your advice for years!”
She grew a more affectionate smile. “You know some Michelangelos don’t listen as well as you do. You did good.”
“You talk just like I remember too!” He downright glowed.
“What do you mean?!” She puffed up a little. “I’ve studied your Earth speech patterns for millennia! I’m a right Blockbuster!”
“Which hasn’t been open since I was a kid.” He clucked and finally released.
“Wait, I didn’t think another bomb had dropped on these lands yet?!” She appeared to look around like she could see whatever she was referring to.
She glimpsed Kendra.
Or rather, saw her in that same unfocused way she had seen Mikey.
The woman appeared to click through optometrist lenses before finally seeing the Kendra in front of her come into focus. “Oh! Hello! You’ve got yourself quite the moll, Mikey! I don’t think any of you have met any of me! You don’t have the glottis to pronounce my given name, but an approximation with your terrestrial vocal cords would be Renet Tilley. It’s nice to meet you! I’m a timestress.”
Mikey laughed approximately two times before he quacked a, “What?”
“Oh, right… I never told you. Sometimes I gotta hang loosey goosey with my meetings. I’m not supposed to announce myself because it can have time repercussions and that’s the whole job, isn’t it!?” The tenor shift at the end of her sentence seemed to indicate a joke, but all Kendra heard was verbal bile.
“I don’t understand…” Mikey truly didn’t.
“She’s a time traveling alien.” Kendra explained.
“That’s not-!” Mikey giggled before looking at Renet who gave Kendra a single impressed nod. “You’re a what?!”
“I’m somehow the normal one about this…” Kendra sent him a warring expression as she fought her own sanity.
She had prepared for a million eventualities today.
Not whatever Renet was.
The tizzy of her relationship status had drained the rest of her emotional breadth. What was left was cold intellect and, despite science’s current say in the time travel department, there was a relatively universal agreement that Earth was not alone in its existence. If monsters or yokai or whatever myths and legends were all based on facts as much as humans spliced with animals, how could there not be a time traveling alien?
Kendra was trying to keep the love of her life, not expend energy fighting some weird fact such as that.
Mikey wafted towards Kendra like a loose plastic bag. “My mentor was an alien… the whole time…”
“Are you really surprised?”
“No, it’s really cool, actually. I just thought me and you were going to make up and now this is happening.” His form caught hers and he wrapped around her.
“Make up?” Renet parroted.
“You have no idea…” Kendra stopped herself from saying just how much she agreed.
Mikey looked.
It was a moot point.
“Did I interrupt a post-spat necking?” Renet asked quietly with a finger to her lips.
Kendra didn’t even know what to do with that phrasing so she ignored it. “Kind of.”
“You know…” Renet checked that scepter she had.
To Kendra it looked unchanged.
“I still have that time.” Renet scanned the ground, then a tree. “My catter-pillar is safe, so are the Atlantic ocean landmasses, so you can bend my ear, if you want!”
“Do you even…?” An earlier question percolated.
“Yes!” Mikey leapt in place. “Kendra! Imagine all the cool future wisdom we’ll get from her!!”
“She can’t even figure out what century to speak in…” Kendra murmured to him.
Renet spoke in another tongue before tilting her head cutely. “Right?”
Kendra stared at her and whatever alien mathematics she kept spouting.
“We’ll tell you everything!” Mikey pulled Kendra in one hand and caught Renet’s arm in the other.
Mikey made his way over to a bench all while giving a manic abridged version of his and Kendra’ relationship as a whole. Renet gasped appropriately and seemed enraptured with the tale. She burped little phrases about the intricacies of human interaction and always had some anecdote about how the Hamato had disrupted various timelines. By the time two of them, Renet and Mikey, were seated, with Kendra lingering in standby, Renet seemingly had heard everything she needed to. “Do you mind if I check something?”
The question was for Kendra.
Mikey looked back and forth between the women in excitement.
“I… guess…?” Kendra wasn’t as sure.
Renet stood, scepter in hand, and waved it over Kendra.
That extremely fine dust, which Kendra now seemed to recognize as sand, sprinkled ever so slightly out of what was obviously an hourglass. A little landed on her shirt and she pinched it up to roll its weathered grains between her fingers. It was incredibly soft and smooth, like it would disappear into her skin, given the chance. The concept of the sandman was on her mind as Renet removed her wand with that unfocused look.
“Your root is as full of branches as anyone else…” Renet remarked to the space around them. “Good, bad, other existences, ones where you’re family to the turtles, others where you’ve never met, and lineages that grant you a vastly different names.”
Kendra felt herself breathe in some of the dust and, with it, she swore she saw herself segment.
The different versions Renet talked about ghosted around her.
Quantum mechanics must have been yet another scientific concept that was supposedly true.
Before her brain could process the segments, her immune system kicked in and eradicated the sand, leaving her alone in Central Park.
“That’s fun. You’ve had dalliances with all the brothers in a lot different ways. The one where you were with Raphael was cute. It must be difficult when you have so much or not so much trouble with those Donatellos.”
“Kendra!” Mikey popped. “How could you!?”
“What!?” Kendra felt dizzy before something seemed to hit her over the head. “What do you mean ‘not so much trouble’ with that purple fu-?!”
Renet tittered and turned to Mikey. “You’re upset with Kendra? What about me?! After what we had! I thought it was special!”
Mikey paled.
Kendra stared.
Mikey’s lips flapped. “W-wait…!”
Renet exploded with laughter.
The other party watched her.
“Sorry, sorry!” She wiped a dry eye. “It can be so fun to razz you tri-dimensioners!”
“Gonna pretend I never heard any of that…” Kendra shook herself free of the ick.
“What do you see when you look at us?” Mikey swallowed hard to keep going.
“Possibilities.” Renet winked. “Here and now. Then and soon. Before and next! It’s amazing.”
Mikey tried to imagine it and it showed in awe on his face.
“Obviously, I can’t say what’s in store for you two, you aren’t in my book of business, but I bet you’ll be righteous no matter what you decide.” Renet went on.
“Feel like you could give us a hint…” Mikey grouched.
“Aw, I gave you one already, didn’t I? I taught you about graffiti and I earned myself quite the earful from my boss for just that!”
“Your boss?” He asked.
“Oh, yeah!” Renet crossed her legs and the weight made her leg bounce. “Lord Simultaneous hasn’t let up in thousands of years. He still sees me as an inexperienced timestress. Old man, I’ve been doing this for how long!?”
That familiar feeling was back and so Kendra asked, “Is being a timestress a job… or the type of alien you are?”
Renet’s face said the question was one she didn’t understand on an ideological level. “You humans introduce yourself as your professions, do you not?”
Irma didn’t. “I guess, but how would you see it?”
There was a flicker of something on Renet’s face. “Hm.”
Mikey sensed something was there and watched carefully.
Renet gave the faintest laugh as if she were nostalgic. “Both, huh…?”
“You tell me.” Kendra folded her arms.
Renet looked her over fondly. “I was a denizen of the 79th Level. My parents sent me to be a timestress hoping it would scare me straight.”
“Alien prison school.” Mikey spoke like he understood.
“Alien prison job.” Renet corrected.
Mikey nodded regardless.
“Why didn’t you quit?” Kendra asked.
“I found out I was always a timestress. What was I supposed to do?”
“Give them the middle finger.”
“Quit harder.”
Renet looked between both responses and leaned back to look at the sky again. “I always liked Michelangelos and it seems like I should have looked for more Kendras.”
They weren’t sure what to say.
“For my first few thousand years, I felt like that, like quitting. I messed up a lot. I either didn’t want to do the work or I’d screw up. I had this crummy uniform and everything was so rigid.” She picked at the front of that body suit. “It was hard and I was miserable, but I kept trying. Over and over again. As the problems got bigger or the ways I broke the timeline got worse…”
There was a sobering shift in the energy around them.
“I had seen the downfall of dozens… if not hundreds of civilizations by then. Ones… I had to make sure still happened. There was always the excuse that there were timelines to preserve. I would watch people die because their deaths were the only way the right thing could happen the way it’s supposed to happen. Again and again… I… I…”
Mikey put a hand on her arm.
She looked at him.
His eyes were soulful.
She smiled like she knew him. “I didn’t get why it was up to us to decide what was right and I went rogue in a lot of ways. When I felt like the injustice was too much, I tried to stick it to the man. I’ve trained many versions of you, Mikey. You are always up to destroy the status quo or a pizza.”
Mikey clearly agreed with the sentiment.
“I became really jaded. All that control. I was controlling others. Simultaneous was controlling me. Our people were made to control time. For what purpose?”
Kendra held herself a little tighter.
Renet saw it with that sparkle in her voided vision. “And then one day, as I watched someone get sacrificed into a volcano, I saw a rare plant. You might call it a flower here, but there was something about that organism growing in soil that had been and would again erupt and be destroyed and there was this man. Not watching the execution, but that plant as well and I could just feel why. He had this horror in front of him, but there was beauty too. Why did it struggle to grow, here of all places? Only to be torn apart over and over again and for what? To just exist and be there for a moment? Would I be there because I wanted to or would I be there in spite of everything?”
Mikey looked at Kendra.
She shared a glance with him.
He was the one that saw versions of her.
“I chose beauty.” Renet’s voice was a monologue. “He did too. That man later returned home and sketched the plant. It meant something to us. Enough to put into another medium. There were other ways to express what I was feeling and I chose that. I chose moments like these and what I did have control over: myself.”
Kendra swallowed a lump.
“I do the work and I do a little extra good where I can. I protest what I can’t. Sometimes, I get my way and sometimes, I shouldn’t. I took control of my looks and my attitude and I like myself. I chose love and found an alright balance for myself and this existence."
“You deserve a vacation!” Kendra’s throat was a little too raw.
“Wouldn’t that be groovy?!” Renet giggled like a wind chime. “I hear Thalassia Prime is the bee’s knees this time of year!”
The name flipped forward from the pages of a biology book and Kendra mouthed, “Turtle grass…?”
“Turtle what?” Mikey, of course, heard.
An old-timey alarm clock buzzed.
Renet checked the very air. “Lit! Cattish-pilter is officially safe and the Eastern Seaboard is saved! I’ve got my next job lined up so I’m gonna have to skedaddle!”
“What?! So soon!?” Mikey followed Renet as she stood.
“You’re a cutie as always, Michelangelo.” Renet looked him over and smoothly transitioned her gaze to Kendra.
This time Kendra got to see the full expression of that hint Renet kept dropping.
All of this conversation had been disguised.
It sounded true.
Maybe it was.
It also didn’t matter.
It was all a coded message.
One for her.
For them.
Renet’s take on their relationship and even Kendra’s supposed occupation.
This was probably what she had done with Mikey when he was young.
All while telling him about graffiti.
Kendra felt it then, what Mikey probably had when she told him the truth.
It was hard sometimes to know.
It didn’t always make you mad, sometimes you were just upset.
It was necessary to move forward.
Sometimes, there was nothing you could do, but carry on.
Kendra walked forward and stared up at Renet.
Renet saw Kendra as if she were a twinkling star.
Kendra hugged her.
Mikey sucked in air audibly and gasped. “Renet!! Kendra never does that!!!”
Renet hugged her back, without hesitation. “You’ve got this, my little blue flame.”
For a moment, it felt like a thousand versions of her had a second of peace.
They then broke apart as aligned planets eventually kept turning and Kendra let go.
Mikey got an actual hug as well and another pat on the shell.
Renet departed this plane with a wave and the shining dust she left behind was swept away by a too well timed gust.
Or maybe one right on schedule, Kendra thought as she watched the sand disperse.
They both stared.
“Think I was dreaming that time?” Mikey wondered eventually.
Kendra pinched him.
“Ow!” Mikey grabbed his arm.
Kendra smirked.
He lit up as his devious self. “My turn!”
“What?! No!” Kendra jumped back into a readied stance.
“We gotta be sure!!” Mikey sent out his thumb and equivalent forefinger at the ready.
“Not in your life!”
“The one with you?” He cooed.
“Not if you pinch me.” She pointed sternly.
He looked at his claw.
She held firm.
“I think you’ll still take me!” He shot at her and she had to flee while screaming for him to stop.
🧡 NEXT 🧡
Big love for my betas @tmntxthings and @unrestrainedhotsoup for putting up with some hectic switches while I took a vacation! They the all-stars!
Attempted Execute of Non-Executable Memory - Chapter 36
RotTMNT Michelangelo x Kendra
Are y'all looking!? Ya'll BETTER be looking at this AMAZING chapter art by @shardkn1ight! They went so extra above and beyond! I'm still in awe!
Rated: Teen and Up Audiences
Warnings/Tags: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Romance, Aged-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles, Human/Turtle Relationships (TMNT), I Flesh Out Kendra’s Character, Character Study, I Give Kendra a Backstory, Post-Canon, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Childhood Trauma, Fake/Pretend Turned Real Relationships, First Generation Immigrant Kid Problems, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chaos Soulmates, They’re the Same Flavor of Unhinged and I Swear it Works, Shared Trauma Shared Goals Shared Bed, Mutually Assured Character Development, Happy Ending, Drug Use
Synopsis: Years have passed since Kendra hit the lowest of lows. It only took a couple of prison stints, but she’s carved out a simple existence that keeps her from repeating past mistakes. Plan goes according to boring plan until divine inspiration walks in using the form of one specific orange coded mutant. Kendra only needs to get close enough to him to plant a virus in his infuriating brother’s servers, but will she be infected along the way?
Also available on Ao3
I gotta shout out @tmntxthings for this one because I might have taken some of her inspiration word for word, but that really goes to show the kind of collaboration we got going on. These works are made in an echo chamber! They're labors of love and togetherness!
First 🧡 Previous
“Here.” Kendra slid the briefcase across the wrought iron table.
It was comical despite the humor of the object having long worn off. To her it was simply the containment system now that housed the laptop. Days of working with said machine had just about broken her, but awareness percolated now that she was out of her apartment. Her brain was aerated by the trip, which made her fully aware that she was making what looked like an illicit transaction out in the open.
Jeremy’s gaping jaw said he saw the same.
He quickly shuffled the case over to his person. “Got it!”
“Right.” She sat down across from him.
He had ordered her a cup of the water she preferred, but today she stared at it.
She needed to leave.
She could feel Jeremy staring.
At her.
Through her.
What was so obvious about the case must be etched into her skin.
“So…” He cleared his throat. “The next part is I look over your work and then you get your payment. That still good?”
“Go ahead.”
“I was actually thinking we’d catch up. I ordered-!”
“You’ll check it now.” She could feel the creak of her pupils moving to his.
“Check…” He patted the suit case. “Check your code now? Like right now?”
She didn’t move.
He searched her for some shred of validity, like a parking pass would spew out from between her lips. “That would take a few hours.”
“You’ll check it now.” She added new emphasis and her neck clicked as her head tipped to one side.
He inhaled deeply with measured horror at the prospect.
“Two cornetto sandwiches!" An employee chirped by their tableside with two plates.
“T-thank you…!” Jeremy tried to make room as if there was anything blocking her from setting down the food.
He had ordered this for her too. “You should get started.”
“Really need that money, huh?” He exchanged the briefcase with the plate and clung to a steaming pastry instead.
“No.” She did.
Things had been tight since she had been put on leave from the café.
“You just need to check it right now.”
“Okay.” He started with hesitation before something snagged and he actually let go to say, “Okay.”
The sandwich was set to one side.
The laptop was extracted from the case.
He opened it and began his review.
Kendra stared at him for the first half. Watching the crow’s feet around his eyes as they scanned the code. The pinch there had been enhanced by years but was premeditated. While he hadn’t needed glasses proper, irritation due to blue light hit him all the way back in his teens. His GUNNARs were one form of combat, but the squint remained. He did it then and he did it now, the exchange was the interim drew the study on his skin.
What was highlighted on hers again?
She felt like she hadn’t looked in a mirror in ages. Those balancing scales of wrinkles were the same. She had been facing down a version of herself for almost two weeks now. The thought of having to confront another, even a current reflection felt like too much to surmount. She even avoided the glint in Jeremy’s eye for a similar reason. She didn’t want to see a shred of herself and, in exchange, she watched the man work.
He should have had some kind of shame.
He didn’t.
He let her watch and he worked as if he wasn’t being spied on.
Why couldn’t she do the same?
Why was she tormented by the thought of Mikey when he wasn’t there the same as when he was?
Jeremy had that edge.
Jeremy had always been foolish.
Jeremy always had faith in his work while within the confines of his limits.
He took action.
He closed gaps.
He created wealth from both advantage and exploitation.
Good and bad.
Within the confines of his system.
One that oppressed him and those like him.
She stared down at her ham and cheese that had gone by some absurdly posh surname.
She poked at it.
Too much cheese.
Too much arugula.
Her fingers were oily when they came away.
She picked up the cornetto and took a bite.
It was fine.
It tasted fine.
Each chew zapped her energy.
Drained her.
She felt her jaw open and take in more.
Sustenance.
It agreed and disagreed with her.
Her stomach percolated.
She drank the triple filtered water.
It went down clean.
She ate more.
Her belly quelled.
Was it the food or having had food?
Mikey was right that she wasn’t eating properly.
It was an issue that stretched long before this coding debacle.
When she was with him she did, when she wasn’t she did not.
That reliance loomed over her.
Omnipotent.
Watched more closely than Jeremy, of whom she had forgotten she was meant to be monitoring. He looked even more relaxed and she had to squint at him. He had the sandwich in one hand and he chewed genially as he continued to check her work. Her tongue clicked and he predictably looked right at her. She turned her cheek on instinct and felt daggers of humiliation when he chuffed fondly. She might have turned on him had he not made some kind of hand signal and spoken first, “You want something sweet? We gotta balance right?”
The never ending allure came from when they were kids.
Something salty.
Something sweet.
A good day found both amounts fulfilled within Horus’ scale.
For Jeremy.
She never cared too much for sweet.
Balance was good.
What did she know?
The thought was so sharp she winced. “Yeah, get me…”
Her fingers twitched.
“Whatever.”
He hummed and the door opened.
The wave of his hand had flagged down an employee.
“Mind bringing us out some muffins? You can put them on my tab.”
“Sure thing.” The employee laughed. “Hard at work?”
She gathered the plates.
“I’ve seen you two a few times now.”
“Oh this?” Jeremy toed the briefcase he had put by his feet before he poured forward as if to block the laptop. “We’re just old friends catching up.”
The woman bobbed as if the situation Jeremy was alluding to made some grand sort of sense. “My apologies!”
He winked. “Appreciate your discretion.”
She tittered as she left.
“Normies always loved feeling like they were in a spy game.” He returned to the screen.
Kendra stared after the woman. “They loved calling the police too.”
“Unless we posed as janitors.”
“Like that was ever believable.”
“Yeah, a certain shorty made it tough.”
She mustered some form of a glare at him.
“We could have stashed you in the mop bucket.”
“Talk about shoving me into a trash can. Try it. Try just mentioning your ridiculous plan from twelve years ago and see how it goes now.”
“I’m going to guess that it’d be pretty similar to how it went back then.”
“Say it.”
“Black eye.” He had a smile to him regardless.
“Shove me in a trash can then.” She snarled.
“I didn’t say it. I said it once. I’m not dumb enough to say it again.” He gestured to the screen with his chin.
She quieted.
Warm muffins were brought out.
Thanks were passed.
Kendra picked her muffin apart instead of eating it normally.
She was full.
Her stomach had shrunk or her appetite had shriveled.
It was one or both.
Same as always.
She rubbed an eye.
Fresh drinks were brought through.
Jeremy continued his review.
She drifted and wondered idly not what Mikey was doing, but that he was doing something patently like him. He was caught up in some half-baked scheme that he had no hand in cooking up. The greater universe stirred Michelangelo’s pot and he was a lump of carrot spun around. He helplessly stayed afloat while he was steamed from below and did nothing as he grew mushy.
He put carrots on the gado-gado.
She had yelled at him for it.
Who cared?
She certainly didn’t.
She was no purist.
She was a fool.
“This looks great.”
Cruel as ever.
“It really does, chief.” He turned the laptop to her.
She looked listlessly.
“I’m really impressed with what you corrected here. You could have rewritten this whole section, but you preserved it.”
“Simplifying the function made more sense. It was faster to reduce duplication.”
“By referencing the index.”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” He sat back. “Great.”
She gave a bare nod.
“So, what were you thinking? Want direct deposit and I set you up with a 1099-NEC?”
“Cash.”
He chuckled with his whole body. “Cash and I give you the rest of it?”
“Rest of what?”
“The code.” He pulled up the briefcase to put the laptop back in.
She held still in an empty churn of her thoughts before she eyed him.
“You think I wasn’t going to do a trial run?” He clicked the tabs and disappeared behind the dark wall of the case. “I know you too well, Kendra.”
She resisted crushing his fingers by slamming the lid down. “All that talk of-of trust! How I was the only one-!?”
His gaze lifted up so she could see him.
Her breath heaved with fury.
“Can’t both be true?”
For Mikey, it was.
The psychic damage from the thought caused her to flinch.
He watched all too closely.
“Though something else happened to you that I still haven’t quite figured out.”
“Cash and we’re done.” She bit the air.
“Maybe I fucked with the power dynamic.”
“Jeremy.”
“You know I was worried that would be a thing. With you having been my boss, in a manner of speaking, but then I thought that might also be part of the test, but then you show up here looking like-”
She inhaled her threat and it lifted her from her chair.
“I mean even when we pulled all nighters you didn’t look like this. Now, obviously, we were teenagers, but-”
“Like what.”
Her words were so caustic it cut right through him.
She stared him down.
He animated with a blink, saw he wasn’t actually injured, and reviewed her a second time. “Say again?”
“What.” Her tone was flat. “Do I look like?”
It was his turn to run through his periphery, looking for the candid cameras.
In her half-raised position, she leaned forward and craned a hand to the table so she could present herself.
“You’re serious.”
“When am I not?”
“You and appearance are kinda… hand in hand.”
“Just shut up and tell me.”
He inhaled so much the whites of his eyes ballooned. “Well… Don’t shoot the messenger, but…! You look like shit. Like you haven’t slept, eaten, or drank anything in days. You definitely did not shower, not ‘cause of some smell, but ‘cause your hair is limp and greasy as hell.”
Her gaze dropped to the table.
He knew when enough was enough and stayed quiet.
She reached up and tapped her scalp.
He was right.
Her hair was sad and heavy.
Dry at the ends.
She hadn’t showered.
That much was true.
She hadn’t done much of anything.
The cornetto sandwich she had eaten sat heavy in her stomach.
Water layered the debris it was by now.
Stuffed down with muffin.
She sank back into her chair with enough weight that it chipped the sidewalk. “I… hurt Mikey.”
She felt the aura of his astonishment.
She screwed her eyes shut. “I… went… No, I did it by doing this…”
His person tipped to see her better.
She drew further into herself. “I’m there. I’m in the code, just like you are. We’re fucking ghosts, Jeremy. It’s… hard. Having to confront that and I… I went right back to- Like I was back then. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The attitude. The shit. I lashed out at him because I was fighting… My demons? Fuck! It’s just code, but it felt like…”
“Like it had hands?”
“It always did, didn’t it?” She tossed her head the opposite way and smothered her eyes with an arm. “What is wrong with me?”
He hummed.
“Rhetorical.”
“I wasn’t really going to answer. It depends on who you ask. I thought you were awesome. We were all mean. There’s perspective and what you do with it.”
She let herself breathe.
“It’s a good a time as any to say me and Donnie kept in touch.”
Her oxygen was sucked clean out of her.
“Didn’t think I’d ever be able to tell you that, but here we are. You feeling bad about hurting Othello Von Ryan’s brother, that means something. You feeling bad about your past does, too. You want to be different, but this work… it sounds like it’s a trigger for you. There’s no shame. I had a weird time doing the STEM after everything that went down, but it was what I was good at and I knew it was innocent. I was the one that was guilty.”
Her arm slid enough that she glimpsed him and poured molten lava into the look.
He twitched and avoided her gaze. “I threw out the Donatello ref in good faith. We legit didn’t talk much. We’ve fallen off lately, but it was new graphic card this and discount on said cards that, but the man is in his family unit. That’s why we used him against his bros. He’s mentioned Mikey. All his brothers really. Usually while complaining, but with Mikey it was a little different.”
“He attracts brainiacs.”
That caught Jeremy off guard and he studied the air.
“Doesn’t matter. Get to the point.”
“The point… is… less of a point and maybe more of a question… Did you guys break up?”
She hesitated as she barely remembered their arguments. “I… don’t think so.”
“Then you’re probably good.”
“You’ve never even talked to him.” She fell forward so her forearms hit the table. “Unless you have another bosom buddy you want to reveal here.”
“Mutual love of technology. Connections, Kendra. That’s how I get work, but not what I’m saying.” He addressed her by mirroring her pose. “Straight up, no, I do not talk to Michelangelo on the DL. When he came up, once in a blue moon with Donnie, it would be about how he helped settle the score with Leo or how he smoothed things over with Raph. He sounded and probably is reasonable to a fault. He’s understanding and always chooses the talking it out road. I’m sure he’ll hear you out and I don’t even know the guy, but I do know he’s really important to you. I mean… can we acknowledge the elephant in the room?”
“I’m emotional and shit because of his infection.”
“Not… how… I was going to say it.”
“But?”
Jeremy made a face as if it was hopeless. “I didn’t think I’d talk to Kendra Byerly again in this lifetime unless it was a plea deal for one of our unnoticed crimes.”
She grimaced so hard her nose pinched.
“‘Specially not a Kendra who feels so guilty she doesn’t take care of her hair.”
“I’m so fucked!” She screamed upward.
“Are you though…?”
“Not about him! It’s me, stupid! You’re exactly right! He gave me these… feelings! Now, I am weak and I will forever be squishy and soft because he believed in me like it was his job! Do you know how humiliating that is?”
“Most people are usually stoked about finding the loves of their lives.”
“L-l-lo-!!” She quacked.
“Oh?” Jeremy lit up. “Not there yet? How many months has it been?”
She opened her mouth, but didn’t know their anniversary date.
He understood immediately and grew more smarmy.
“Long enough, but not long enough for that!”
“Man, you are tsun to the max.”
“No more! You’re giving me the cash now, Shipp!!!” She banged the table.
“Hold on!” He chuckled. “I gotta pay here first!”
“I’m following you so you don’t get any bright ideas.”
He led them to the café doors. “Swapping out the data on the laptop will take me a few days. You wanna talk to Mikey during that time and then see if you wanna go round two?”
She was quiet as she followed.
He paid and continued the secret agent ruse with the employee while Kendra glowered at the flowers.
In the three times she had been here, this was her first time coming inside.
It smelled of coffee and hydrangeas.
She wasn’t sure she liked it.
“Think about it?” Jeremy’s voice told her it was time to go.
“Pay me and we’ll see.”
“ATM and you’ll think about it.” He waved for her as he exited.
She lingered as she left and looked over pastel blooms.
There were mostly blues, but a few butter yellows.
She looked long into them before catching up with her old friend.
-
“You came!” Kendra threw the door open with a little too much gusto.
Mikey stood there looking uncomfortable. She had opened the door before he knocked and his hand was still awkwardly extended. She was watching through the peephole and having seen him, it just made sense to address the fact.
The last 24 hours had been strange.
Kendra had hovered over Jeremy a little too closely as he tried to get an ATM to deposit a wad of cash. They once again conjured the image of a dirty deal which led to the two of them being escorted into the bank. Their transaction was evaluated and it took a series of prickly responses before it was deemed to be legitimate enough. Kendra had her money in hand and that should have been the end of it, but Jeremy asked her if she wanted to get pizza.
Long gone were the days where he could drive them to the coast with his mom’s station wagon.
They instead picked the closest greenery to sit by while the both ate separate slices.
They reminisced and also talked.
Mostly about Kendra’s relationship with technology, not that it led anywhere in particular. The conversation more followed how she felt about it previously. She had no idea how little Jeremy understood about her in the final days. On paper, she knew she hadn’t really kept up with him, but her retreat seemed more stark in his eyes. He lost his best friend, club mates, and pretty much the entirety of his self image since it was equally tied up in the Purple Dragons. Where Jase was an annoying helicopter in her home, Jeremy lived separately and, when she became a literal shut-in, she had inadvertently shut him out.
He listened as she explained her reasoning for releasing those files.
He said little when she bristled at his and Jase’s choice in colleges.
He apologized simply when she mentioned he hadn’t written her in jail.
She knew why and didn’t fault him. Some things were like that. Jeremy had gone on his own journey to find his better self, outside of the confines of high school. He seemed to be of the mind that she was doing that same thing.
Only now.
Over a decade later.
She felt stunted, but he assured her she wasn’t. He got a little preachy and she poked fun at him having had too much therapy. He clearly leaned into the mind of her maybe needing some of her own, but her resistance made him drop it. They sat for a long time in silence after that. He didn’t hound her current fears and they watched people of all walks stride by. The sun soon dipped low along with pedestrians and it was time to part.
They said goodbye.
They would meet again.
She liked Jeremy.
He really was a good friend.
He also was far too close to her.
Knew her too well, but not through time.
Because he had gone through exactly what she had, just on a lesser scale.
The real difference was how they handled stress.
Jeremy, to nearly his own detriment, didn’t hold his anger in. Where Jase popped a socket, Jeremy had always been in STEM due to honest love of the field. He geeked out and was appropriately ridiculed, but he owned even that. He accepted all that was thrown at him and waited to strike like an opportunistic bear. Humble and dawdling most of the time, he was just as lethal of a predator. He just knew better when to gore and feed oneself without self-destructing.
Kendra had lost the plot.
When she got home, she pulled out the bullet of a thumb drive to remind herself.
It had been stowed in that damned white clutch from her first date with Mikey.
A place where he would never think to look and within an object she refused to use again.
She spent hours looking at it and going through all that had happened since she’d hatched that fateful scheme. Her life had expanded exponentially since and she had exactly one man to thank. Michelangelo, as much as he drove her crazy, was a fantastic friend and partner. He was caring, motivating, and dealt with all manner of shit. He was there for her even while he was going through his own self-actualizing and she wasn’t sure what she had done for him in return other than blow up in his face at his apparent menace.
That wasn’t true.
She didn’t really think he was at fault.
He was just a frustrating aggravator of her overinflated ego.
He looked her in the eye and told her to be humble without those exact words.
He challenged her.
He was impossibly important.
She had blamed him.
She stowed the thumb drive back in the clutch and went to shower.
She washed herself and her mind clean until the water ran cold.
She felt lively as the cold nipped her skin into a towel.
She treated her hair and sat wrapped up for a long time.
She awoke with a start still sitting on the toilet.
Her hair care was finished.
She dressed in warm and worn pajamas.
She slept.
The next morning she washed her face.
Ate a small breakfast.
Texted Mikey to come over.
She had no plan.
She wouldn’t delude herself.
The extent was to apologize and that was it.
Anxiety caught her when he eventually agreed.
It stretched out long as he had to set a time for when.
It baffled her how he could be busy, but she knew that to be an errant emotion.
She needed to fix this now.
The possibility that she might not be able to reared its head.
When he was on his way, she paced.
What would she do without him?
He had been integral to her growth and wormed his way into her sanity.
Moving forward without his hand to guide her looked both like a lonely future and one where she no longer had a path.
He meant too much.
She spied through the peephole.
Caught him before he could knock.
Stared him down now in probably a bit of a wreck, though she knew her hair was at least set back to a healthy state.
“I… did!” He quacked. “I said I was going to…”
“Right! Come in!” She got out of the way.
“Kendra, about your text…”
“Needing to talk!” She laughed. “That’s a scary one, right? I told you it wasn’t scary though, right!?”
“You… did…” He hobbled forward.
She rushed behind him to close the door.
“Yeah… Well…”
“I’m sorry!”
He had barely turned to track her.
“I was an ass. I… wasn’t myself… or I was, but I was caught up in my own bullshit. Jeremy said, I saw Jeremy by the way, that all of this has been trauma so that’s called what, an ‘event,’ right? I looked it up and I could get one of those. It’s done, by the way. That’s why I saw Jeremy. I got paid. Job done. It’s done.”
“That’s…” He didn’t seem sure how to label his reaction.
“It’s good!” She told him and approached a little too quickly.
He shuddered as she invaded his space.
“Super good and it won’t happen again and I’ve apologized and you’re here!”
“I… That is a lot…”
“So much, but do we really need to talk about that?!” She put her hands on his arm.
His body flinched away.
“U-Unless you want to! We totally can then! This is for both of us, right?!” She laughed.
Loud.
Awkward.
At a pitch to fill the space, until it cracked.
Mikey released a thin sound of his own.
She pushed him on sliding feet down the hall, further into her apartment.
“Let’s get comfortable and we can figure it out!”
“Uh!”
“The cushions! You know?! The ones you got me for the table you got me in this apartment that… I guess April technically got me, but you brought April here, so-!”
With her insistence he eventually cleared the kitchen, entered the living room, but he felt like he turned into tree bark along the way.
His stiff form flaked off as she released him.
Peeling wood spoke of disease.
She dropped to her knees and fluffed a cushion. “I talked to Jeremy! I told you that, but when I talked to him I realized a lot, you know?”
He took in the room as if it was new. “You keep saying that…”
“Well… you know! I’m just saying what you know. Reiterating. That’s important for remembering which is important for our talk! You wanted to talk, didn’t you?”
“Saying it differently doesn’t really…”
“It’s just with Jeremy, I realized how much you mean to me and I want you to know that.”
“I hear you, Kendra.”
“That you mean a lot to me and maybe I can’t say exactly how, which is like, ‘wow! Kendra has another hang up! Surprise, surprise,’ but then you would know! You went through all those dates. So, again, you know!” She guffawed again.
He grimaced.
“You know what a bitch I was and how I really took you for granted!”
“Hey, do you maybe think… we should stop for a second…?”
“What for? You haven’t even sat on your cushion yet!”
“Your cushion.”
“Yours! I mean you got it!”
“For you.”
“For me, yeah, but I’m giving acknowledgements.”
Mikey knelt right down in front of her. “Kendra, this is reading a lot like a spiral.”
“Right.” She hiccupped. “It… would seem like that, but we haven’t talked yet. I just need to get the words out!”
He nodded slowly as if waiting.
She stared at him.
Maybe she should have pre-planned this conversation.
She didn’t know what else to say.
She had already blurted out the poignant bits.
He wasn’t reacting positively.
She needed to try harder.
Show him.
She hugged him.
Suddenly and tightly.
He went completely tense in her grip.
She squeezed him harder.
She could channel it.
His hugs were good.
Hers could be better.
She would show him.
Demonstrate his importance.
So he wouldn’t leave.
Like everyone else.
Her eyes snapped open.
Mikey’s arms flexed to give him some space.
She loosened.
“Kendra, I’m… going to be honest.”
“You… Aren’t you always?” She was still holding on.
He looked down at where she had him pinned. “I try to be…”
“But not always!” She broke away. “Duh!”
She smacked her head.
“The bitch basics! I haven’t forgotten! You’re important too and-!”
“Stop! Saying! I’m! Important!” He wove with each word.
She opened her mouth, but he jammed a finger into it.
“Okay. Real talk! This… sucks! I don’t know what this big Jeremy talk did, but I think his advice must suck because this isn’t you!”
“Exactly!”
He reared.
“It’s not me because this is me! I’m the me you showed me to be! The normal me is a cold bitch who gets in her own way, but I’m here trying so I don’t fuck this up!”
“That’s not-!” His head shook.
“No! See! I get it now! I saw it in the code. I just have to cut that part of myself off. Kill it! Finally! So it isn’t looming over my head anymore! It’s ego death, isn’t that great!?”
“No!”
“No, it is! If I just do this then I won’t always have me looming over my head. I can finally be free to be me and you know what I want?!”
“I’m afraid to ask!”
“You!” She put the slightest bit of weight forward and he tumbled over.
She stalked his form. “Do you know what you did to me at the club?”
“That-! Huh!?”
“You touched me.”
One hand landed by his hip.
“In a way I’ve never been touched before.”
Another slammed down by his waist.
“You did it before that.”
Her knee dropped between his legs.
“That dance at The Frick.”
Her other leg climbed his thigh.
“After my interview with those damn tights.”
She trapped his head and her hair cascaded around her.
“I didn’t know how to need before-”
“OKAY!”
She winced at the blowback.
She then rose with a squawk as he picked her clean up into the air away from him. “We’re not doing this.”
“Hey!”
“No! You-you-!” He set her aside and sat up.
She tried to speak, but he blocked her.
“All this-this-this… whatever this is! It’s… too much!!”
She stared.
He looked close to crying. “Look I… I’m glad you apologized! I really wanted one, but everything else… I don’t need to know like this! I don’t… want you to kill part of yourself. What are you saying? It’s like you don’t know what I know because I’m pretty sure I’ve been telling you this whole damn time how I love you for exactly who you are!”
Her fingers curled.
“Remember!? How far you’ll go!? That’s what I want to see! That’s what I’ve always followed you for! You’re always so interesting and, yeah, there’s the empathy factor we talked about, but you know what I’ve been thinking about the whole time we’ve been apart?”
She didn’t have a chance to mouth anything.
“That maybe you were right and I accidentally did to you or you did to me, I’m still not super clear on that part, with saying no! I may have told you no, but I don’t think I did it in the right way and I think that I also may have accidentally kept you all to myself because I kinda… sorta… Well, keeping you from my family is like yeah, they’ll all blow up and that’s uncomfortable and that’s part of the empathy thing, but also I’m selfish! I wanted you all to myself, but you… you were already all by yourself and what did I do!? I kept you that way! I brought you select members of my family, but did it in a way that you wouldn’t really connect with them! It was always on my terms! April came by because I slipped up always going to her for marketplace finds, but I didn’t even consider your past! We saw Raph because I made that promise to him without thinking about you. Sunita, she’s like family adjacent, but that was on my terms for my ‘no’ practice! I never once asked you to meet my family because I genuinely wanted you to! I didn’t!”
She felt her bottom finally hit the floor.
“So, yeah! When you blamed me for the coding stuff, I was mad because you did it so wrong and thank you for your apology, seriously, but as soon as I started thinking about it, of course you were mad! I did get in the way! Actively! I decided you needed food. I didn’t let you just work even though you had told me a thousand times you were scared of tech stuff. I walked out on you when I know, for a fact, that you have issues being left alone! Real life trust issues!”
She didn’t even think she had blinked.
“And on top of all that! This!” He threw his hands out at her. “I can’t even fault you for this reaction! We stopped talking so like, obviously you were going to hit a point, thanks Jeremy, where you realized that without me, what do you have?! It would probably feel like you have no one! So, yeah! I would freak out too! I’ve literally watched Raph do exactly this! He goes full savage if we leave him alone! I have first hand experience with separation anxiety and I was making sure you got it and then seeing it, experiencing it, you know, you want to know what I just felt!?”
She dumbly nodded.
“Scared!!!”
She kept doing so.
“Scared because that is so much pressure and I can’t-! I can’t take it! I can’t be the only one in your corner. I can’t be the only one rooting for you! I can’t handle all that! I know that’s warped as hell because that is what I thought I wanted, I made sure of it. I hung out with you all the time. I wanted to spend all my time with you. I wanted to message you and be in your face and your space, but when you bring me into yours… I… What?! I blew up at your family! I made you the other in the place where you had your biggest othering! Time and time again, and I’ve had time to think about it, I just kept realizing how scary that was and, here I am, knowing all that, and I’m just scared of you being like that!”
Her hands came up to tent over her lips.
“Wow!” He fell over. “That is a crazy tidal wave of emotion especially when I went through my own trauma of keeping my family together! What is wrong with me!? You are so right about the contradictions! I don’t just see it! I’m living it! All the time!”
He screamed.
Not loud.
Not percussive.
A soft release.
A horror that didn’t have depth only because it went so deep it now barely penetrated the surface.
He went numb from having felt too much.
She watched him.
His limp form.
His closed eyes.
He looked exhausted.
Like she was, she guessed.
She had just taken Jeremey’s word for it.
She hadn’t looked in a mirror until today.
Mikey.
Her Mikey.
She couldn’t help but think fondly.
He was right in some ways, she guessed.
She didn’t know much about him wanting to isolate her.
That part was new.
He was also way off base.
He never did anything malicious to her.
All his supposed manipulative actions were circumstantial at best and his dumb conscience at worst.
She doubted he was anywhere near as bad as he said.
She almost wanted to laugh.
Not at him, though he was ridiculously dramatic.
At this.
All of this.
At herself, for being so smitten that she trusted a man so much that he could tell her to her face that he manipulated her and she could say, in her truest heart, that she knew he hadn’t.
At him, for collapsing after all that like he had been the one fighting his own demons when they had both conjured fictional versions of their own.
At everything.
This broken world.
Their friends that shaped them.
Their families that stunted them.
Down to the moment she was conceived and he was dunked in some ooze vat.
Kendra laughed at her mom.
The exalted woman who would absolutely laugh at her for overreacting. She could picture her perfectly in her favorite slacks. They had the deepest pockets and always a little hard candy, just in case. She was there, in her apartment and reviewed the pair of them with crinkled lips. She sputtered on chuckles as she lured her darling daughter in to say, “Aduh, kepalamu itu kebanyakan otak, Nak. Hal kecil saja bisa kamu pikirkan sampai jadi skripsi.”
“What does that mean, mama?”
Mikey’s head tilted at the sound.
“’Your brain is always running a marathon, Nak. Can it take a little walk sometimes?’”
He hummed one curious note.
“That’s not what it means.” Kendra dry sobbed a single time.
Her mom had been far more eloquent in her mother tongue than English, but she hadn’t passed it on.
There was a lot that had been lost from her time.
Kendra was still finding it and would keep doing so.
She was still alive, after all.
“We’re dumb as shit.” She told Mikey.
He tried to right himself, but the curve of his shell rocked him out of balance.
She crawled over.
He fawned.
“Knock it off.” She offered her hand.
He reviewed it.
Looked at her.
Gently grasped it.
She pulled him upright before checking their connection. “Something my mom used to say. Basically, we both went nuclear.”
“But Kendra, I-”
She kissed his cheek in a swift peck.
She also retreated just as fast to address him openly. “You’re as full of shit as me.”
“You were totally justified in-!”
“No.”
“But-”
“No.” She made her open mouth obvious.
“Then-”
“No.” She stared him down with a growing smile.
“I’m sensing a pattern.”
“Yeah?”
He evaluated with pressed lids before he nodded slowly.
“Yeah.” She joined him.
“So…? What… now…?”
She breathed in and exhaled.
He followed suit.
“Wanna break up?”
He grunted. “No!”
“Me either.” Her head tipped as if it was helpless.
“But we just revealed some major damage.”
“Weird how that happens.”
“Seemed like overnight.”
“It definitely wasn’t.”
“I had my own talk track on why it wasn’t!”
“Did you make a PowerPoint?”
“I made two, but neither of them were finished because I forgot which had what info, then I realized I duplicated the slides and at that point I had like fifty plus in each and it was a lost cause so I decided to wing it.”
“So did I…” She felt the light in her eyes die.
“That was you… improvising?” His teeth appeared in a frown.
“Eat shit.”
“Not inviting you to open mic.”
“No, I’ll just let you embarrass yourself at a TED Talk.”
“This is why I exclusively don’t talk to people named Ted. They can be tapped at any moment.”
“That-!”
He fully believed whatever insanity he just spouted.
“Tracks.” She shook her head.
“Should we…?”
“Break up?”
“How can you say it so easily!?”
“You told me you loved me!”
“Eugh! I hoped you hadn’t noticed that!”
“Look!” She turned toward him.
He addressed her fully.
“I don’t know what to do here, but we both still want to be together, right?”
“Right.”
“Then…” She sighed. “We figure… that out. That… can be enough. It is for tons of cretins who basically just clone and feed all day while thinking they're happy.”
“But…”
“But?”
“We… we were happy… weren’t we?”
She stared at him openly.
He returned the gaze.
“On three.”
He nodded once. “One.”
“Two.”
“Yes.”
“Duh.”
Mikey exhaled so hard he looked like he might gag.
She watched him sympathetically.
She absolutely felt like vomiting.
“Then, we tackle it. One thing at a time… like we always do.”
He clearly had an anxious edge.
“And we’ll dismantle shit because I do think you’re mostly wrong and you… wait, you didn’t think what I did was wrong! How I treated you! You thought it was comeuppance for isolating me!”
“I said I thought you were too mean.” He corrected with a raised finger.
“True, but also that doesn't mean you deserve it so part wrong.”
“Huh!?”
“We need to untangle it. All of it and I… Jeremy has another job.”
“He… does…? Wait, did you say that? Are you… going to take it…?” He was fearful.
So was she. “I think… I need to. I need to do this again… This is like… what would your shrink license call it?
“I need a hint.”
“When you do something again to like, address it.”
“Immersion therapy…?” He tried.
“Yeah.”
“That’s usually done in a controlled way.”
“That’s how I did it…?”
He was a bit shifty. “Not even a little.”
“Then I’ll do it right… Will you… help me?”
He went on high alert. “But wouldn’t I-!?”
“Conflict of interest, I know, but again, I think you’re way off base and we’ll figure out why. Use all your PowerPoint time and channel it better. If I’m too much for you, what can I do to fix it?”
He openly thought.
“We don’t have to figure this out right now.”
“We have time.”
“Do we?”
He softened before looking at her. “I think we do.”
“Me too.”
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My darling betas @tmntxthings and @unrestrainedhotsoup always work double time and I can't thank them enough!
