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I love my blanket. The one with the stars that Isaiah gave me. It is so soft. It reminds me of all good memories of love and care and I wear it around a lot. Both forms. I would be devastated if something happened to my blanket.
I sleep wrapped up with it. I carry it around. I wear it on top of my bodily form. My blanket is special to me and it reminds me I am safe and loved.
-Aethriel
aethriel is pissing me off so im going public: it is really into gooner porn.
- edon
Eventually I am going to need to get baptized.
I saw what Edon went through. It seems like overall the changes were positive, as in, it was sick and now it is much less sick.
I will just cut the chase, I am worried about three main things. One, my voices. Two, my wing. And three. What if Isaiah does not find me attractive anymore.
I have heard many many accounts of seraphim having significant voice change after hellfire. Some struggle to speak words at all, and seraphic sign is a very common sign language because of that. I have been learning a little just in case. Most have a significantly changed ability to sing. That really worries me. I am getting very into performances. I feel so good getting to sing what I want to sing and I have been getting booked!!! A lot!!! Next year apparently I am playing Hellfest at Pandemonium Hall, I literally just saw the official flyers on the astral net finally posted. Myself and Isaiah were so excited when we saw "bassthrower" listed next to fucking Supersonic Armageddon!!! If my voice gets fucked up I might not be able to play.
Two. I have been in physical therapy for a while. I have seen a lot of improvements in my wing and its usability. But I do still have significant chronic pain. I am very worried about this pain getting worse after hellfire or undoing all the progress I have made.
Three...
I know he says he would love me no matter what I look like, but Isaiah really does like the way I look now. I know that he thinks that I am beautiful and radiant this way and I worry greatly that even if he does not say anything about it that he is going to be less attracted to me when I am a demon and my form has changed. I figured I should probably start talking to someone who knows what they are talking about when it comes to transitions after hellfire and they basically told me "yep you specifically will probably end up getting reptillian, amphibious, or insectoid features." I may lose my wings. I am all wing. I like my wings. I do not want to lose them.
What if I turn into a weird bug and Isaiah breaks up with me??? Worse, what if he tries to power through it and makes himself pretend to be into me still!!!
-Aethriel
sometimes aethriel will (affectionately) manhandle me, kind of like play fighting i guess, when i do something it thinks is funny or mildly "bad." it is like "ok edon you are going to jail now" and it used to grab my wheels and pull them together and press me into the wall and we would laugh about it and nobody would get a boner. ok im lieing but thats not important right now
whats important is that it did this recently and forgot about my middle arm and while it was pressing me into the wall (i stole a strawberry off its plate while we were joking with each other) i reached into its hip bag and stole $20. but it was really getting into it with me and grinding and rubbing on me and trying to tease me with its "ohh so sad you cannot have sex right now and you must wait, i am going to wreck you once you are healed" so i also stole isaiahs car keys that it had in its bag.
fast food restaurant drive through here i come
-edon
While I do enjoy Arseni's style of DJing, I cannot help but have... negative thoughts about collaboration with it.
Not that I MUST collaborate with it, no one is out there forcing me. But on occasion it is the only one I know who is willing or able to b2b with me at some of the events I wish to play at which require each artist to apply with a partner due to the complexity of the deck or the 3+ track requirement - I can use a deck, I just prefer to play vocally, but I can only vocalize three different tracks at once.
The issue I have with it is that our styles differ drastically and my artistic vision is much more serious that its. It of course disagrees with that assessment, stating that its music is just as serious as mine. Frankly the best response I have to that is "This is an untrue statement and you are more than aware of that."
I do not typically mix songs. I rely primarily on my own beats. Occasionally I will mix in a single line from a pre-existing song or take inspiration from a pre-existing song.
Arseni relies almost entirely on mixing pre-existing songs and sound effects together (alongside beats, of course, but the focus is on the pre-existing songs.) This alone would not be "un-serious" enough for me to feel it clashes too much with my vision. But Arseni has this...
...I do not want to say it in such a derogatory way because it is NOT inherently a bad thing...
PASSION for human music. It plays like a human DJ, if a human DJ had been alive for thousands of years and had thousands of years of human music to draw from.
So while I am trying to hit dark hard demonic bass lines that will shake the bones of the dead, I am also listening to its stupid fucking authentic 1600s golden age of piracy sea shanty remix. Which I will admit is a hit with human beings and demons that spent a lot of time on Earth. But. It does not fit. I do not think it fits anyway. I have received feedback of "it fits very well it is so good" but I do not care.
Which is why I am very upset that we (together, not just one of us, both together) were invited to play a double header at this spot in the Abyss which does a spring festival each year. Apparently this is a big deal. Arseni was very excited, because it is a big deal festival, and because it is a themed event and the theme is "oral sex" because of course it is. It was very excitedly bothering me in my room while we were practicing, choosing human music about sucking dick. I almost tapped out there because it was annoying me.
But it really wanted to play, and it got sad, and I felt kind of bad, and also I could see that maybe I was being a little unreasonable.
So. I told it I would do it, but it better not tell anyone we are playing together because I want a whole new crowd to give me whole new feedback. I even made it surrender its plus one ticket to me.
...I gave our plus one tickets both to Isaiah because I do want Isaiah to be there and I trust that he would not invite anyone to come with him that would piss me off. I did not tell him that I would be playing with Arseni. I just said I was playing with "some other being, I do not know" because I was kind of embarrassed since he has been trying to get me to play nice with Arseni for months now...
Aethriel
I can't believe I got tickets to this thing dude. I love my boyfriend. Aethriel has been brooding these past few days like its annoyed about something and finally I'm like babe. You're so stressed just tell me what's going on and it tells me its been invited to play at a big deal Abyss event which is, and I quote "oral sex themed", and it's just stressed about doing well at it and not "fucking up" to which I was like. You're gonna do great!!!!
It told me that I can invite someone else if I want but that it would prefer if I could pick someone who can be "serious" and "not distract me / embarrass me since the tickets allow the holder to access the green room, where all the DJs will be" whatever that means, so, I picked Azazel, because he's usually pretty serious about stuff and I highly doubt Aethriel would think he's "embarrassing" it. Honestly I think it just really didn't want me to invite Toby.
I have no idea who it's playing with, but I got a good look at one of the flyers and next to Aethriel's stage name, it also says "+ Cleopatraa" so I assume that's the stage name of the other being who is playing with it. I have no idea who that is, to be perfectly honest. But I'm sure if Aethriel agreed to collab with them, they're probably pretty good.
I think it's gonna go awesome. I think Aethriel needs to chill the fuck out, and I think it's gonna feel a lot better after it just gets up there and plays. I also think it would benefit from me sucking its dick in the green room after. It is a blowjob themed event after all.
Isaiah
I started testosterone, by the way. A few months ago. I was nervous at first, but the prospect of a lower range voice is what finally tipped the scale for me.
I was already on the lower register when it came to voices, and I had heard that it is possible to have negative impacts on your singing voice early on when one starts testosterone. But I have been very pleasantly surprised - I have not had this issue, and I can already hear my voices lowering in register which has been very good for my budding music career.
It was a difficult decision to start testosterone. At first, my gender identity (in heaven) was forced upon me, a neutrality that was only a neutrality in and that I was not allowed to do certain things. Namely, have relations, reproduce, consider myself as one who could be desired in that way or participate with other beings in that way lawfully. Outside of that I was still treated as female, considered to be a lesser spiritual vessel, I was also denied certain educational opportunities, expected to meet certain standards of deference to males, and despite the fact that I was not eligible for the mating programs considering my birth cohort was part of a study, I was mocked for the way that I looked and told that it was no good.
So when I came to Earth, at first, I was very drawn to certain feminine or at least feminine to a human, expressions, garments, mannerisms, things that I felt may allow me to express a certain aspect of myself, the aspect that could be wanted, desired. I will not lie, I was at first very worried that Isaiah would meet other angels and then have no further desire for me, once he had a frame of reference. At one point I was comfortable and even asked others to use certain feminine terms for me - I believe at one point I asked Isaiah to call me his girlfriend.
We have since had conversations about this - I do not believe this to be his fault. I do not even think he knew that I was doing this, I believe he thought that I was just experimenting. Which for the record I was also doing.
It took a little while, but I ended up discarding the label a few months ago, and after that, I started asking Isaiah some questions about binding in human form. The girlfriend, woman, feminine labels just really did not fit anymore, I explored it, some of it was okay, but it did not fit me, I grew past it.
I still do not know if I would consider myself a man. I identify now as I have for a while as agender, but. Things are evolving... I definitely consider myself more masculine than I used to - I feel that it is possible I latched onto femininity as a form of rebellion, in and that I was told for a long period of time that those things were forbidden, I wanted that forbidden fruit. But I have learned that there is more than one kind.
When I do my t shot every week, I taste knowledge fruit on every tongue.
- Aethriel
When me and Aethriel go to raves together, we're fucking in that green room.
I get in for free because I'm the subwoofer's boyfriend. It lets me get up on the stage if I want. Aethriel has really gotten into hardcore bass lines and I did actually allow it to magically reinforce my eardrums to be able to handle it- neither of us really wanted me going deaf. And it kind of has a whole thing about supernatural boons- I think it might be a little bit into granting them, if you catch my drift.
Either way. It's so fun to dance to the music, watching Aethriel watching me. I love showing off during the handoff, where it trades out with the next DJ, trying to distract it, and then hearing it say directly into my mind, "meet me in the back," like it's about to lose it.
We went out there and danced after like nothing had happened, but I had to change my pants because for one, they were pretty torn, and secondly, they'd gotten um. Kind of wet. So.
Last time, it tore my pants trying to get them off me, I was all sweaty and it was all hyped up from its set and Aethriel has been adjusting to the libido boost from starting T baseline and also has a whole thing for sweaty human beings, especially me considering we're in love and all. It pressed me down to that green room couch and mounted me, telling me off about teasing it while it was performing. I remember replying, "you love it." I don't remember hearing a solid argument back.
Aethriel has, also, by the way, gotten a lot more into topping, either with a strap or without. For lack of better terms it's gotten the seraph-human cloacal-vulvar kiss thing down. I don't think it gave a fuck that there were other DJs back there, we were in the corner behind the wood panel that was back there for beings to change behind. We were being quiet- at least we were being quieter than the DJ that was playing, holy shit, Supersonic Armageddon is loud as fuck.
Lord I love raves.
-Isaiah
Part of what makes mortals special is that eventually they die.
There is only a limited time they will be here. If you have a special one you should cherish them while they are with you and celebrate their life.
-Aethriel
