#affairssucks

[lifebeingtheotherwoman-blog]

Paranoia

The paranoia is real. It’s like a shadow that you can’t shake. I don’t think I’ve ever been more paranoid in my life than the first couple of months after I found out about the affair. It followed me around all day consuming my thoughts and actions. I suddenly found myself impulsively checking all of my husbands accounts every hour.

I’m sure by now your shaking your head and probably thinking I’m crazy. However, ask yourself this- if you where in my shoes what would you do?

The trust I had put into him and our marriage was suddenly gone. It crashed around me like an run down old building. I felt like I couldn’t breath 24/7. The panic attacks consumed me and the weight of my anxiety crushed me like a ton of bricks. I find myself even now wondering every time he walks out the door if he really is going to work and meetings. Or if he is going to meet other women. No matter how much assurance I receive I don't know if it will ever be enough to ease my mind. It's one thing to say something and it's another to do what you say.

The lesson I learned through all of this is that trust is so so important. Honesty and trust part of the foundation of relationship. I'm hoping it gets better and that time heals all the wounds.

[lifebeingtheotherwoman-blog]

Lesson #1

Here's the thing about your husbands "side chick", "side piece", whatever you want to call her; you must learn like I did. She doesn't care two craps about you or your family. To her you are the other women just as much as she is to you. You can seek her out. You can try to talk to her but at the end of the day it won't make a difference. She is thinking about one person and one person only and that is herself.

I know, I know "you can't make assumptions." It is hard to imagine feeling good about ones self if you are the other women. I can tell you it didn't feel good know my husband had another women.

She was a single mom with a little boy.

When I found this out I thought how can another mom who's seeking companionship choose someone who already has a family. How can she be okay with tearing another family apart when her own family isn't whole? However, I know I will never have an answer to this. Just as I know I will never get a straight answer as to why my husband cheated on me in the first place.

I've seen countless blogs and posts from other women who are the other woman. They are all the same. "I wish he would leave her for me", "He would leave me but the finances....", "he finally left her and now I can call him mine." Here is the thing. Never once have I read anything of remorse about tearing up a marriage and family. Do you even think about the kids he or she may have? How many tears and how much sweat and love was put into the marriage. If he cheated on her and walked out what makes you think he will not do the same to you? If he's cheating on her when times get hard he will probably do the same to you.

My heart goes out to other wives whose family's have been torn apart by infidelity. Of course the same for men whose wives have done so to them. It's hard. You wish you could shake them and say what the hell is wrong with you. Why are you helping him do this to our family, to his wife?! You have to remember. They don't care. They never will. They will never know the happy and sad memories you shared with him. They will never know what it sounded like waking up to him saying good morning. They will never know the pain you felt inside when you found out.

You know though, he knows. So lesson number one is as follows: they don't care. They don't know. They don't matter at the end of the day. So forge ahead and keep your head up and when you think of them give them a middle finger and say a prayer. Because they are going to need it when he leaves them too.

[lifebeingtheotherwoman-blog]

The beginning

This is my safe space. This is the one space that my husband has not invaded.

My husband had an affair.

I’m not “over the affair” but I am over it — if that makes sense. I’ll always feel pain, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment, and the heartache when I think back to my life immediately post affair. I was not prepared for how difficult it was going to be to find out that my husband cheated on me. I’m convinced that you can’t be prepared for that kind of betrayal. Nothing would make that feel anything less than devastating. For the most part I've learned to block it out but I'd be lying if I said that I am coping the right way.

This affair didn't last more then a month. Let me be clear though, the pain is just as bad as if it had lasted longer. I think what makes it worse is I was pregnant and had just given birth to our beautiful child. I was "the other woman" and I didn't even know it. Imagine giving birth to this beautiful baby and then having that joy be devastated by your husbands affair with another woman. One who he was going to leave you for. One who has a child too. The worse part is she knew about us. She knew.

I have to purposefully control my mind and stop it from going down a endless black hole. It’s not that I am choosing to ignore any of this pain; I don’t.

I've thought and thought about ALL of it.

I've felt the never ending nausea and anxiety that choked me until I couldn't breath. The depression is an endless hole I can't climb out of.

Why stay?

To be honest I can't even give an answer because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

There are still moments when I look at my husband and think, “You fucking idiot.” He had no idea (no fucking idea!) how lucky he was. How good he had it. No one would stay after the amount of emotional, and mental damage he has done. He says he is being faithful now. His actions and words say otherwise.

There are things that I am clinging to in these early days after discovering the affair that I can't shake. I compulsively check his email/social media. I look multiple times a day; logging in remotely when he is at work. Any and everything I could do to prove to myself that he is being honest. That he isn't contacting her. That she isn't contacting him.

Affairs fucking suck. I will stand by that statement for the remainder of my life. It’s the truth. I hope I never have to be so intimately aware of that truth ever, ever again. But I do know it’s the truth. Affairs fucking suck. But what’s more important it what you do after. After you discover you’ve been cheated on. Or after you cheat. It’s what you do next that matters, that determines whether you fucked up or lack character.

Don't be an asshole.