1. 10. 2016. // WIROSCO “Religious Center” @affinnity
There are way too many people in here. There's so much applause, yelling and screaming, and she can't do it. Jae didn't want to ruin their moment, but even standing in a corner wasn't shielding her enough from all the commotion, and she just really needed her family right now. or somebody, anybody. But she was alone, again, and seeing everyone having such a good time with people they cared so much about made her /ache/. She can't do this. The blonde abruptly stands up, walking towards the back entrance. Lack of a ride be damned, she needed to get to the church ( the place she felt s a f e s t, the closest thing she had to a home right now). "I'm sorry." is the text she sends to Finn, before exiting the venue.
From there, it’s a long run back to WIROSCO, but she can’t afford to get a taxi or an uber and the only place that truly feels safe is the home of the Lord. But even that was no longer sacred, she supposed, thinking of the church she had grown up in, that her father had built brick by brick only to watch as it B U R N E D. The thought pumps her legs faster, as the sound of his voice through her phone speakers echoes in her mind cracking and wet as her mother’s voice finishes his sentences, despite the fact that she k n o w s mom was probably on the brink of tears with him.
Her lungs are burning, throat closing as she pushes herself. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things. I can.” but she’s so t i r e d. Of working her butt off for this scholarship, of the heart-clenching loneliness as she realized that she had nobody here for her. Of pretending to be okay as Finn loved someone else. Of not having her big brother’s bed to crawl into when she needed reassurance. Of not smelling Judy’s home cooked meals when her sister knew she was stressing out. Of not having Naomi’s words of wisdom and amazing hugs. Not being able to see her father’s smiling face or her mother’s understanding gazes.
She wants to go HOME.
It’s grown difficult for her to breath as she makes her way up the steps of the school’s church. But the lights are off, and there’s a sinking feeling in her stomach. “No...No.” she whispers, adrenaline launching her up to the doors and tugging on the handles. Locked.
It’s in that moment she S N A P S.
Yanking on the handles and banging on the doors, but they won’t o p e n. “Let me in!” she hears a voice scream, and with a start, she realizes it’s her. And suddenly, she’s crying, “Let me in.” she chokes out, but no one is coming. The realization causes her to let out a choked sob, leaning her forehead against the door and knocking halfheartedly.