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Self-love & Selfishness

I feel like life is one constant battle between self-love and selflessness. I realize that I can be both. In my past, I was on the giving side of the spectrum, constantly giving my all, suppressing my emotions to cater and people please. I would do things I didn't agree with because it pleased those that I was around.

So, when I grew older, and I opened my eyes to unpacking my conditioning and figuring out who I truly was, it was hard. I didn't know if I wanted to do something because I wanted to do it, or because I wanted to continue to people please. Did I even like these clothes? Or am I wearing it to impress everyone else? Why am I in a relationship I didn't want to be in, why am I working a job I hated, and being surrounded by people I didn't like as much? It was stressful.

I felt taken advantage of, especially on days where I literally couldn't say yes, and the person I was helping would act like I never helped them at all. I started allowing myself to be selfish. I said no, and it felt nice. No, it felt great and I got greedy. Whatever I did not want to do, I did NOT do and people started to notice and they didn't like it.

I left the relationship I was holding onto simply because of the length and his feelings. I left the job I hated, because I was only staying to make my boss happy. And I started doing all the things I enjoyed doing. No one could ask me to get out of my comfort zone. I liked it there. I was my own person, I could take responsibility for my actions because it was not influence by anyone but myself. I was becoming wholesome, my own best friend but also I became very selfish. I remember sitting and telling myself it isn't that bad doing things that I didn't necessarily want to do if it made someone else happy. I had to check my selfishness. I started to find a balance, I set boundaries for other people to not go overboard with asking me constantly to do things for them, but I also willed myself to do more for them.