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scroll through all my seventeen writing here updated 13 DEC 2018
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
feel free to just ignore this
i am in a bit of a state lately. and it sucks. i am left wondering whats scarier. The thought of what my life could have been if things hadn’t happened, so many different events just, not happened. Or alternatively the thought process of “Where the fuck do I go from here?” just knowing all your fuck ups, all the fucking fleeted oppurtunities. Because I am stuck. I am hopelessly tired, and I am reliving so many memories in my head, and I just need it to stop. I am worrying I am going to push people away precisely because of that. worried im gonna lose people altogether really. I’m not all too impressed with myself, I’m not the person I wanted to be, nor am I the one I want to be. And I’m certainly not someone they’d want to be. I don’t know how to get my life together, and more concerning than that, what if it’s just not enough, what if I get the things I think I want, and it still isn’t enough. I am just sick and tired of so much, especially two memories. I don’t want to remember the last time it felt like someone truly said something they meant, and I don’t want to remember the time I nearly killed myself in front of them. I don’t want to remember their horrified face, or the fact I nearly ruined so much of their life from that. I am then consistently having thoughts which could lead to me fucking up basically everything. And if I’m honest, not waking up from sleeping sounds all too appealing right now.
tfw school cares more about your uniform than your education
If I was run over by a truck, she wouldn’t even care. Nobody would after a month or two, her life would be just the same it would be like I never even happened.
Also I hate it because some of the people in my group probably think I'm a child when I talk about how nervous I get for these things but like social anxiety is so hard to deal with its not like oh I just don't wannnnaaa do it it's like I feel like I'm going to vomit and die and also maybe get laughed at and cry because I think people are judging me when they're aren't. It's so hard and overwhelming