#ah sc

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

5:17am 20 July

U were the first thought in my head today. I imagined climbing into your skin just as you climb into my bones every few days and eat my heart.

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Happy to see you're safe and sound. I pray to God sometimes that may you always be kept in boringly safe situations only. Man every year you grow up manlier it sorta sucks how hot that is. Is that a new car?

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

I swear to God if SC and A are related to each other in some way I'll just stop going to work altogether

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Cheer, am I allowed to fall in love with some one else? I think.... I found someone. And I think if I show interest he will.... Accept me. But I sat in the bus and thought of A but his face morphed into your gentle eyes and I. I almost cried in the bus again. This town rots for me without you, the brightness of my route when I'd see you has long turned a sad sepia shade. I..... I want to love again, at least like a guy, and A is tall and fair and beautiful and lanky. He's cute and he's nice to speak to he's also very soft with me. It would be nice to choose the person I have feelings for, for once.

To allow myself to want.

I think with A we can both fall in love slowly. He's interested and I can sense it. We share a lot of values. Unlike you, Cheer, he likes dogs and even used to own one and loved her like I love dogs. He's tasted misery too. Like you and I. You can sense it. Misery, in a person if you've felt it before. And I think he's understand some complexities of mine, at least he'll try to I think. Same field of work, acceptable background, and we cross paths often.

I know you never loved me Cheer, I'm not sure you even liked me. But I loved you and I love you and I will, so when I try to make myself lean into the idea of loving A I end up making myself cry. I see your beautiful face and I see that moment you laughed where your lovely crooked teeth peeked out in view as you laughed with your hand on your mouth and I try to stop myself from tearing up at the randomest places.

I really thought I was alright. I wouldn't say I believed I was over you. But I really thought I was okay and I was alright and I'm trying to date someone for your sake because I know you don't want me. But the thought of someone else is just so, harrowing to me.

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Why are you so incessantly in my mind lately. I haven't looked for you in an ambien haze in months. But when I woke up today I was look for you in legal documents on government portals. Oh how must it tickle you to be completely off the grid knowing I love looking for you.

Or maybe you're relieved.

Or maybe it makes you hateful about me that I look for you.

Why can't I leave you be. Why must my mind insist I should always know where you are.

Why do I worry about you so much.

I know you're smart but do you eat well? Have you drunk enough water today?

Did you know my day is going strangely well and I keep thinking of your pretty face?

I saw a baby today, it was very beautiful, I rarely care about babies but I thought to myself unprompted, ah, a baby , our baby would definitely look like that and it made a weird longing ache in my stomach.

Even if we weren't to end up together what about letting me have one of yours? Is it a weird thought to voice? I wonder what you would think about it all.

Someone said you look like one of the interns here. It pissed me off. You don't look like anyone, that intern would be lucky to be half the man you are.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I think of you. I hope you're alright. I hope fear never grips your heart and I hope everyone goes easy on you. May the love I have for you reflect through everyone around you and may anyone who harbours ill-will towards you be unable to not love you.

To the lovely 'Cheer' you bring in my life.

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Life will have you taking the same bus sc used to take to school in the morning, back home from your work at afternoon approx 10 years later

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Delirious fever dreams where I'm picking up sc from our barely functional home town airport (I am not eligible to drive especially on mountain roads)

[godsperpetuallyforsaken]

Friendship may be temporary but me catching a fever whenever something bad related to sc happens is always permanent