Every single night.
More than once a night.
I wake up.
I often do.
I always have.
But it's different now.
It has been for weeks.
I open my eyes.
A second or two goes by.
I suddenly remember.
I remember everything.
I remember where I am.
I remember you're not here.
All of the things you said to me.
And then it starts.
Panic.
Hysterical panic.
The pain is unbearable.
Tears feel like acid, on my raw face.
I've nothing left to throw up.
Once again.
The truth then comes to stab me.
Over and over.
You threw me away like it was nothing.
"Abandoned again."
The only person I trusted with all of me.
Even after I begged.
Pleaded.
It was fixable.
It was nothing at all.
It was only my reaction.
I was just scared.
It just needed to pass.
At least, I thought.
...
It did pass.
There were new reasons.
New excuses.
There was clearly more to it.
"Could I have changed anything at all?"
"Do you really not love me?"
"Do you really not want me anymore?"
You didn't even try.
We talked.
I asked for promises.
Only to protect me.
To ensure I felt safe with you still.
I just thought it would be special.
I wanted to know you still cared about me.
You promised.
You promised again.
Promised again.
So I gave myself to you again.
I was scared.
But I needed you.
I always need you.
...
And now, silence.
Were those lies?
I'm I still missing something?
You've contradicted everything you've said.
Everything for weeks.
When I try to ask about them..
Can't talk about that.
I haven't seen your face in weeks.
Nor heard your voice.
Not since you said those words.
You don't have time for me anymore..
How painfully ironic.
I've spent weeks in bed wishing I didn't live.
You still get more of my time than anyone.
Unfortunately.
I can't do anything.
I entangled you into every aspect of my life.
Every aspect.
Day to day.
All my thoughts and passions.
You're everywhere I look.
I'd do anything for you.
You were my purpose.
Life had never been easier to experience.
Sadness was lighter with you.
Everything else vanished.
Everything, when in your arms.
But now.
Fern isn't healing me.
Fern can't comfort me like before.
It's like she left me as well.
A now empty vessel once filled with love.
Your love.
I don't feel anything.
Just pain.
"Abandoned again."
I never lied.
My feelings have anyways been true.
"Abandoned again."
My brain won't stop.
My pillow is now soaked.
Tears, sweat, and drool.
How pathetic.
Worthless.
It's now 5 am.
I opened my eyes at 3:23.
The crying and begging just increases.
Nobody is there.
"Abandoned."
Ruminating endlessly in panic.
"Please don't throw me away."
She already has.
"Please don't leave."
It's too late.
"I can be good."
"I can be better."
Stop it.
Pathetic.
I know that these weren't the problem.
I beg anyways.
My tummy and head hurt so bad.
I can't stop.
I've tried.
I keep trying.
It doesn't end.
You said it wasn't real.
Everything was real.
Every part of it.
I just want to go back to sleep.
Please.
I eventually fall back asleep.
The tears dry to my face.
I feel nothing.
Darkness.
Emptiness.
Then an hour or two later..
My eyes open once more..
A second or two goes by.
I remember again.
"She left me."
"I don't understand."
"I'm broken."
The panic starts again.
