#ahomelessstranger

[crisannabanana]

I wake up every day thinking “I can’t believe I was crazy enough to think I could ever live in another country all by myself...” The readings/homily for today’s mass really responded to that. They said that when things change or end, we must not be afraid to let go and move forward to where God is leading us. When we persevere and follow God, people may grow to hate us along the way, but God will never let anyone touch a hair on our heads. I’m about to complete my second month here in London. And looking back on it, though there have been discomfort and pain, I am reminded that this is exactly what I need and God knows exactly what He’s doing!

[crisannabanana]

There’s a specific time of the day when the sunlight hits the Church’s windows so perfectly and you just can’t help but be in awe of God’s miracles. So one day, I went to Church when it was empty, sat there, and said “God, I want to be romanced by You. Please let me witness that light slowly hitting the windows.” I waited more than 2 hours and saw nothing. I guess you can say I was pretty disappointed. But after I told this story to a sister, she said that God’s romance isn’t just seen from the sunrise, sunset, extravagance of a Church, or other forms of physical beauty. We need to learn that God’s romance can be seen through our struggles and pain. In my life, I’ve never had as many struggles and pain as I do now. So God, please let me see Your romance through this.

[crisannabanana]

Today I was at mass and it hit me once again - I’m in a completely different country, I’m without my family and friends, and I’m without company at “home.” It reminded me that everything in this world is changing every second. The places, the people - nothing is constant. 

When it got to the part at mass when we had to recite the Act of Contrition, everyone still put their hands to their chest when saying, “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.” And that reminded me that the only things in this world that don’t change is the fact that we are sinners and God. 

Once again I was brought to tears, haha! I don’t know why... probably because of my constant longing for home or because I was touched by the Holy Spirit or both. Most likely both. Yup, it’s both.

[crisannabanana]

I sit around in such awe that God created many moments in the past to prepare me for this very moment in the present.

I even try to figure out what all those "moments in the past" were. Moments I watched Harry Potter? Moments I spoke to English people when I worked at Billabong? Moments traveling when I took a winter course here last year? No matter how hard I try, I'll never understand exactly how He did it. Oh what a mystery and thrill that is!

I thank Him for always keeping me on the edge my seat and humbled at the fact that I do not know it all. I thank Him for planning every detail of my life and carrying me every step of it all. Because though I may not understand exactly how He makes plans, at least I know that He took much time to prepare me for this exact moment and will continue to do so for all the moments to come. #TheHouseYoureBuilding

[crisannabanana]

Yesterday I was planning my pilgrimage to St. Peter's Basilica in Rome and I asked my roommate (because she's been on the pilgrimage before), "What do I have to do to walk through the Holy Door?" She said nothing - just walk through it. 

I was a little shocked to hear that. Isn't this door supposed to absolve me? Grant me indulgences? Be the instrument that will lead me to be inexorably rich in God's mercy? And what do I have to do to attain all of that? Just walk right through it and that's it? 

Yes, that's it. When we sin, God doesn't ask for some extravagant performance or expect some dramatic procession from us to make up for it. He simply wants us to humbly walk back to Him. 

It's crazy to think about all my wrongdoings. Many times, I want to do something extreme to ask for forgiveness. But no, because God weeps at our sufferings. And as undeserving as we are, He still makes His mercy just as easily accessible as oxygen, so as long as we choose to receive it.

[crisannabanana]

Sometimes when I'm in my room, I'm in such a dangerous place. My thoughts run wild and I find many things to be anxious about. But when I go out, pray, and find myself in places like this, I remember how small my anxieties are in comparison to the unwavering hope of the future. 

I'm such a minuscule portion of this enormous world. How could I be anxious when a year ago, my dream was to live here in London and now I'm here?

How could I ever be anxious when God continuously hints that He has a divine plan for me He promises to fulfill? Maybe I don't see that promise yet, but that's okay because Love moves slow. And when I finally see it, it's a surprise (a miracle!) that sweeps me off my feet and lays me down, humbled at the feet of my Savior.