#ajwenn

[a-j-wenn]

You are a poison

I return to each day

A prophecy I transcribe to every language known to man

to change the meaning

I avoid the truth of our entanglement

Like poison ivy to the skin

I wring my neck with your vines

Trying to fit in

To your life

Running backwards around the world to turn back time

And if I stop and take a moment to breathe

I hear the voice inside of me scream

I fucking hate you

And your bracelet of beads

Ceramic balls of each thing you stole from me

When will it be enough

When will my dreams finally make your golden cuff what you were looking for

What will be left of me

When you’ve stripped everything worth having down to my spine

And how foolish of me

To expect any loyalty

Or a modicum of accountability

When you’ve shown me who you are

Again and again

And I keep coming back

Just to get slapped

Like a masochist

Thirsty for attention

Or an afternoon tryst

Meetings in the park

Always hidden in your dark

I search for signs in the frequency of phone calls

Read hidden messages between blue bubbles

You’re were my best friend

Now you’re my greatest loss

And Events like these

Tend to bring me to my knees

Because it’s so glaringly obvious

To everyone but me

Exactly where I stand

[a-j-wenn]

I watched myself fuck him

Or more specifically him fuck me

From above my body

Every pump into me hammered the lid

Tighter and tighter

Until you were unreachable

Until I was so thoroughly untouchable

That I could say, it was my choice

I was the reason you didn’t want me

I had control

While I had none

Watching myself, looking down

He doesn’t recognize my eyes

But I do

They’re dead

Dissociated

Their light shed in pieces across the floor of a strangers apartment

They served their purpose

They tricked this man into me

He thinks this was his idea

He has no idea I’m using every bead of sweat that I can reach to reach the you that’s in me molecularly

And taint it

I drink him in like I’m dehydrated

And maybe I am

Amongst other indignities you inflicted on me

But that’s not why

I drink him in to snake into my veins

So when I hate myself tomorrow I have an excuse

So that I can look in a mirror and say it wasn’t me it was you

And truthfully if I’m being honest

I see what I’m doing and I’m doing it for you

Because you’ll crawl back like you always do

And if I have to sell my soul to stop the cycle to a stranger I met on the internet I don’t even think is cute than so be it

As long as I draw this line in the sand

As long as I can give you a reason not to come back

As long as I can say I played my part too

So that I don’t have to vilify you

Deep breath

And it’s over

Just like that

He has work in the morning and I have a long drive back

I’m picking up clothes not even bothering to hide my shame

Just like that I’m back in my car but I’m not back in my body and I can’t seem to bridge the divide

I see myself cracking open on the drivers side

I watch myself cry

I watch myself check your location to see if you’d even be checking mine

I watch myself drive

Away from a piece of me I can’t get back

Away from a stranger who just had me in the sack.

[a-j-wenn]

A wedding dress

Cold Misty breath

I’m engulfed in foam capped waves

Plugged into ice water

Lace and chiffon wrap around my head

I can’t see, I can’t breathe

I can’t even think

Where did my life line go?

My numbing hands move slow

Searching the water for your rope

Am I alone?

I gulp for air

But my chest constricts

My fingers are bleeding trying to rip off this corset

I can’t hear anything

I can’t fight

I can’t drown

The sun is gone

I can’t tell up from down

And there is no warmth to be found

Paper flowers float all around me

This would be beautiful if not so melancholy

Petals like confetti

Lost in the sand

I sink to the bottom

From the weight of the rock tied to my left hand

[a-j-wenn]

I named my rage

And coddled it

I fed it until it grew larger than me

Until I ripped apart at the seams

It inflated through me

Growing like a foam

It adhered to every wall in this home

I sealed my windows shut and locked the door

I faced her trembling frame

And I screamed till I couldn’t even whisper anymore

In my silence it all poured out

Anger, love, pain and expectation

With no where left to call home

I created all these hopes

And abandoned them alone

I followed Clem to the beach

And buried myself in sandy snow

How eternal can one girls pain be

Surely my Great Depression won’t go down in history

There will be no memorial for me

No statues frozen dancing from when you and I were we

I carved her name into the roots of a tree

Desperately praying she grows anywhere besides in me

A reprieve

Is all I ask for

On my knees I ask the sky please

Open up and swallow me

Don’t let this relentless sorrow be the epitaph of me

[a-j-wenn]

[a-j-wenn]

I lay across from you

Your paw on my shoulder

And your snout against my nose

Watching your eyes close

You’re only falling asleep

But I’m hyper aware that this scene

Will some day repeat

And you won’t wake up that time

That the warmth I seek in the gruff of your neck

Will someday be cold and soaked in tears

And I pray that my face

Is the last thing you see

I beg to the heavens you’ll understand and forgive me

I run my fingers through your thick white fur

And know someday my fingers will only find empty air

And I wish you could understand me when I say

Thank you for the greatest life and for all of my best days

I hope you understand the depth of my love

Even when you can’t understand the language I speak

I feel your heart beat in rhythm with my own

And I know you’re so much more than a pet

You are the greatest peace of my soul

I know you are I are made of the same piece of the galaxy

And I know in every lifetime I will find you and I will love you completely

There will always be a hole at my side

When you’ve passed to the other side

Ill love you the rest of my life

[a-j-wenn]