#ak-nvm

[alliekills]

my god she is so romantic

[alliekills]

the wall is fake lmfao

[alliekills]

beautiful woman with a beautiful car let me take a photo. she calls it Blue Beauty

[alliekills]

sometimes when i feel self-destructive i just decide to make myself cum instead. this being a frequent impulse (and coping mechanism) has now led me to get horny whenever i feel the desire to rip my life apart. A+ work if i don’t say so myself

[alliekills]

Volatile desire? I share that with you, my friend. May we all live to see meaningful change in our lifetime, and all the better if you’re the one leading the revolution.

time for a long answer cause i got lots to say lmfao <3

i would like to lead no revolution of masses. a large mistake continually made is positioning a figurehead of a revolution. people are not flawless. people are not safe. if a figurehead is killed (as they often are) revolution and the community therein weakens. revolution is not one, but all, for all. meaningful change will come. the question is how many of us will be left to see it, fight for it, and if there will be anything left to celebrate when it does. meaningful change comes and must be held onto with such a tight grip. there is no single hand capable of this. it takes the arms of us all to hold the world in proper balance. i could lead no revolution because my views are not softened by white rhetoric or religion to only be peaceful (eagerly oppressed) in nature.

in my opinion, violence will be necessary. in my opinion, many people will die silently without voice or vote. what is happening in my country is the same problem faced once again. will we let white men write our morals, our laws, our histories, or our futures. they will try to kill us in this way, or in that way. this or that. by greed, law, wearing us down, ruining the land, stealing our neighbors and children. they are doing all, now. have been. brutality from above is no new exercise of force. what it is though, is a demonstration of force. a demonstration of normalization. no it is not in the hands of the most oppressed and vulnerable to change this. it is in the hands of those who hold even the smallest of privilege to act when the time comes, and keep the more vulnerable safe.

i as a biracial woman have been brutalized many many times in horrific ways both systemically and personally. along with this acknowledgement there is a personal responsibility to be recognized as well. i have benefited from things like pretty privilege, a lighter shade of skin rather than darker, a higher intelligence, unwavering convictions, my able-bodiedness. i can imagine what my life would be like without these things, and still it would be worse than what i could imagine. personal responsibility is the name of the game. we are all personally responsible for what good change does not come, if we take no action or stance against the evil that does. i have a volatile desire to see proper change come however it must, and however it must be held onto. we are currently in the evening of dark times. despite what we think, it will get worse and worse. there is no one coming to save us from it. we are the ones who will save ourselves.

if the oppressive use force, we will win no battles using words. if they say the laws are useless, we will win no battles adhering to the fallacies of them. i do not intend to incite violence. i do not intend to be a voice louder than any other with similar convictions or be placed at the head of a table to spearhead action where others are left to move without vote of their future. in my opinion, we are running out of options.

to retain moral high ground is not a worthy cause when those who would take the land and strip it or worthwhile value are doing just that while we try not to bloody our hands by sinking to similar level. moral nuance and superiority is a privilege reserved for those who have not had the force of systemic brutality exercised upon them, and for those who wish to live in a fantasy not mirroring their reality. when the time comes, i hope we can all understand that it is survival we are fighting for. not happiness, not equal rights, not an apology. we are fighting to live and keep our neighbors alive. no good change has ever come without violence. i do not advocate for it with excitement, but pure awareness and historical evidence that there is nothing else to do when the clock runs out and the man is asking you to lie down. there is no revolution one can win if they are not willing to take on the fact that their opposition will use anything and everything to keep them down, or see them dead.

my father used to tell me that when he would defend himself against white men, he would put them on the ground and tell them to stay there or he would do it again. he told me many stories of this. when my father explained to me that i was a girl who would one day be a woman— he told me that if a man tries to hurt me i should not follow his actions in those stories as lesson, because i am not a man. instead i should fight like i am fighting to the death, because a man will kill me if i let them. if i could, wait until they strike me first, as the law written by them will always be in their favor and to strike without restraint or reason is an action of the foolish. recognize your oppressor for what they will do to you if you grant them the allowance. that is the world. this is the world. survival is to be brutalized again and again, and know when it applies that you must do what you need to survive, and cast aside the idea that goodness is akin to an unbloodied and unblemished soul. there are no perfect victims, only living ones— and dead ones. to live is a form of protest.

for now, we live. and then, however we survive, we will survive.

[alliekills]

had a nightmare that i was in a strange city being mercilessly stalked by someone who kept saying they wanted closure but they literally wouldn’t stop no matter what i did or said to them and i ended up hanging on by my hands to the high underside of this backless staircase in the rain trying to hold my breath but when they found me i started yelling that i just wanted to be loved by someone who loves me instead of hurts me and they leaned in real close to the gap between steps and told me that it’s all the same when it comes to loving me. was so taken off guard by such a response that i slipped and fell. heard a crack in my head as i hit the pavement and then woke up

[alliekills]

the world is full of so many bad people who do so many bad things and will never stop and some of them are people we know but don’t really know and we are meant to trust people but we can’t really trust anyone how do we trust anyone how do we trust anyone how do we trust anyone how do we live

[alliekills]

i could fill thousands of encyclopedias with the shit that no one i’ve been romantically tied to aside from her knows about me