#aki babbles

[aki-draws-things]

I will fucking finish that fic... Sometimes I hate when I write for like 2 hours straight only to find out that I did not fixed what I wrote really badly in the phone but instead I added a full scene with juliet, and changed the "meeting" scene again.

Like, Phanie, seriously. A little control over your things, in this new year, no?!!

(currently 10204 words and counting. I'm not even procrastinating actually, I'm writing and doing my absolute best... Characters keep asking to talk and even if I say no they talk anyway. I'll go crazy.)

(I'm actually really in love with this fic, and really really anxious about it too... But I swear, I want to be done with it already and I feel bad because I wanted to finish it and post it tonight but it's 2am and I'm kind of sleeping on the keyboard... But I feel like I could've finished it if I wrote a little faster.

(yeah, well, no... That's just me being too tired to think straight... Don't mind that last part.)

[aki-draws-things]

I hate when people start talking in the room next to mine as I try to finish that goddamn fic.

So now I'm stuck and actually nervous about it.

(and I know, though I have nothing to stress about it even though I have to finish it fast and I'm already late... It's just... Voices makes me really nervous right now and broke the rhythm.)

(also, I had lord Capulet and tybs talking about Julia and weddings and white hair... 😂)

[aki-draws-things]

So, mom just can't talk normally on the phone, she shout. Every single time. Not everyone is deaf, c'mon. But that's not the point.

Point is she was talking to a friend and said friend asked the usual question, how we were, after grandfather died. So she started to list all the family. Grandma is quite fine, better than expected actually, father is good, she's good too. My sister is fine, and anyway she has her boyfriend, he came to the funeral too and all.

She stops at me. Like she had no idea of how I was. And I wouldn't blame her, I don't speak, i don't ask anything, I don't cry when people can see me.

"I think she got it bad. And she's breaking a little."

Yeah. And no. Not a little. I am breaking a LOT.

I go to bed every night and I pray I won't dream anything, I pray If I do dream, I won't remember what in the morning. Because even if less than the first day, that dream still weights on my chest, and it weights a lot. I go to bed and I'm fucking afraid.

I keep the phone always close, during meetings too now, because it took me by surprise and I missed the first call because I was in a meeting, and it won't happen again.

I don't cry when someone can see me because I can't be seen weak. Because I promised I would take care of them, I promised I would be strong enough for them. So I cry when I'm alone, because I'm not strong for myself. I didn't cry when I saw him after swearing that morning that I wouldn't do it and I would just remember him as he was. But my sister was on the door so I went there and turned her so she wouldn't see. But I did. And I never saw someone dead before. But I didn't cry because I had to be strong for them.

It'll be 2 months in 10 days and I am breaking. I'm terrified of sleeping, of memories, of that feeling sitting on my chest.

And I'm scared I will truly break, sooner or later, I feel il happening, I feel bits and pieces shattering and I just-- can't.

I can only hope that when it will happen it'll be fast, like a car, like a train.

I'm not giving up, before anyone wonders, I'm not there yet, I'm not standing on the edge again, I swear. I'm just breaking. Just a little.

[soaring-in-the-wind]

I swear to every God... if Stein doesn’t shut his mouth I’m gonna be so pissed! I liked his character at the beginning.. He should stick to his science babble and stop commenting aloud on his disliking of crewmate. It’s so fucking rude.

[a--leaf-on-the-wind-blog]

Why on earth should I read anti's post in the tags of some character?! For god's sake just tag your damn things!

[soaring-in-the-wind]

I can't believe I almost triggered myself trying to write a coldwave fic! I was doing so great in the past two days but No!! Let's write a sad Coldwave with metaphors and suffering and Mick being alone and in dark dark places! I knew I should have gone on with "Rebirth" and not trying to write a one shot... I will never learn to listen to myself.

[soaring-in-the-wind]

Holy cow, I hate hands!!

[soaring-in-the-wind]

Oh God, I forgot how much I hated thunders and storms!! *runs away and hides under a blanket*