Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is not only bad, it’s the worst. It’s so boring it's torture. You can’t even have a good time watching this picture and making fun of it. You'll be too busy trying to untangle the nonsensical plot to have any kind of fun. The twists are so obvious that when characters don’t acknowledge each other or act surprised when information is revealed to them you'll assume you missed something, or that you're confusing an actor for another. I can hardly believe it… and it happened to me!
The plot hardly makes any sense but here goes: Michael (Aidan Drummond), the son of the CIA's director (Gregg henry as Robert) is kidnapped by former DIA agent Sever (Lucy Liu). Former FBI agent Jeremiah Ecks (Antonio Banderas) is tasked with taking her out - she won't see his non-DIA tactics coming. Things get more complicated when Ecks realizes Robert has stolen a dangerous nanobot assassin from Russia and probably wants to use it for evil.
This film's title is a misnomer. Ecks and Sever are supposed to figure out that they’re on the same side so they can team up against Robert. Why the name? who knows. If it’s supposed to be a shocking reveal, director Kaos (really making a name for himself with this one) and writers Alan B. McElroy and Peter M. Lenkov have made a twist that's just a straight line. It’s so obvious from the beginning that Robert is evil that no human being wouldn't see it coming.
The plot ludicrous developments are abundant. Ecks and Robert were romantic rivals once upon a time. Ecks was married to Vinn (Talisa Soto). Robert wanted her too. When the movie begins, Vinn is married to Robert. How? Apparently, Robert tricked them both into thinking the other was dead so Vinn could get his slimy paws on the later. Who wrote this? A random plot generator? And that’s not even a major plot point or anything. It’s a detail meant to enrich this world. Can you imagine what cinematic madness goes once the espionage and guns actually kick in?
To match the jumbled plot we have some of the worst acting from professionals I've ever seen. If I didn’t know any better, I would've sworn they used a Lucy Liu mannequin on set and that her dialogue was recorded from a studio months later during an apocalyptic hangover. It’s as if she’s embarrassed and channeling all her energy in the hopes she'll turn invisible. In any other movie, Banderas would look like the worst actor of all time, but in here he actually looks kind of good because everyone around him sucks so much.
I knew what I was getting into. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is considered “one of the worst movies ever made”. I imagined this would make it a fun watch with friends. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Every mind-numbing explosion, every pointlessly shot bullet, and brain-melting nonsensical development inflated our boredom. I don’t understand it. It’s as if we saw a cursed film; one that drains the life force of everyone in and around it.
Take this movie, and blast it to smithereens with a gun. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is 91 agonizing minutes of anti-fun. You might not believe it's as bad as they say. Believe me, it’s worse! I don't need to see every movie in the world to know this must be the worst theatrically-released action flick ever made. (On DVD, March 27, 2015)
