April 19th
For the very first time since the day I met you, I forgot your birthday. The day had been so serene, so full, that I almost felt in my chest that something was missing. Missing but not necessary. It wasn't until I dropped my mom off at the panaderia that I saw baby Kevin, whom innocently asked me if I was going to join him and your sisters at the park to celebrate your birthday. I laughed, the way I always laugh when Kevin or Nathaly ask about us, or make certain comments that reflect their denial of us ever breaking up. Actually, it was more of an explosion. Something that shook the ground, cracked it open, something that affected not just us but everyone close to us. It was like a famous celebraty had died and all the fans mourned, mourned for not just a day or two but weeks. After I caught my breath, I jokily said “Pues no me invitaron” and with his 4 or 5 year old voice said that I didn't need invitation, and your sister, his mother laughed because she and I both know that an invitation is never needed for me. I am still seen as your families favorite, I am still invited to all the family gatherings, to the sunday strolls to la pulga, I am still theirs. And in their minds, and in their hearts they truly believe that one day you and I will reconcile and that our love will rekindle and burn just as much as it did years ago. How we could walk into the mall, or at the park, and the heat would be so strong it would melt the hearts of all people that laid eyes on our intertwined hands. How it burned marks onto the skins of other couples that watched us be everything that they were hoping to become. I still remember. I know you remember. These are memories that will never be let go.They hang on my soul like a piece of art at a museum. So close but will be left untouched and only visited occasionally, maybe on special occasions.
I helped Belen set the cake in the trunk of her car before i headed to my own and before she closed it Kevin stood there and with a very disappointed face asked me “ Please Ale, porque no quieres venir”, and there is no easy way to tell my nephew; i say nephew because he has become a part of my family and although his uncle and I are no longer together he will always remain my nephew and I will always remain his aunt, that I simply do not want to. That I no longer want to share special moments like today with him and even if I did go, which I considered for an instant, I would make her feel so uncomfortable. She would sit there and watch his family flock to me, love me, create memories, and crack jokes in a language she is trying to learn but will never own. I could, but that is not me, the thought makes me laugh and smile i have to admit but its also cruel. I am not cruel. I am not her. She was once my friend and although she has done what she did, I am not her and I cannot purposely cause pain to others. The pain she caused me could be argued to be unintentional and id believe it if she had confronted me about the situation mujer to mujer before she slept with him, maybe even after, but woman to woman. She didn't and that is okay, it takes a specific type of breed to have that type of courage, a brown breed, she will never be Mexicana and that will haunt her for as long as they are together and If it is forever then forever it will sting her. When she see’s herself in the family pictures, standing out like a block of ice in the middle of palletas de fruita fresca. That is a pain that I will not know and I do not feel right inflicting any more pain then she already has to bear. Especially when they all know her for what she has done.
“ A la orta kevin”, assuring him that perhaps next time will join them on this date for a celebration but not today. Today, I have chosen to come to the starbucks next to the panaderia and finish all my homework while my mom is working. Waiting for time to pass so that she and I can go home. I texted you Happy birthday and you responded and that is as much as we can share, even if we both have each other marked on our hearts, the reality is next year i’ll probably forget your birthday again, I have erased it from my important dates list in my head, i have let it go, like our anniversary, like our love, like you.
-Alejandra Reyes (xicanadiarys.tumblr.com)