#alison is personal

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Oh nd to add insult to having covid, my period is due in the next couple of days. The fuck did I do to the universe to deserve this?!

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Today I had to go to my best friend's dad's funeral. That's both a sobering and terrifying sentence to write. In fifteen months, 3 of my closest friends have lost their dads. Who were around about the same age as my parents.

Being 40, I'm aware that death, as horrible as it is, is an inevitable part of life. But watching someone you love hurt like this and not being able to help, is a horrible, helpless feeling.

But also, with these loses, collectively it's like cutting another invisible tie to our childhood, to the kids we were when they were close to the age we are now. We have memories, now cherished of laughter, fun and some truly excellent toast and hot drinks for hungover kids who were technically way too young to drink.

We are adults, yes, but no one ever explains what it's like to be confronted with the mortality of the people who know you best in the world.

If you have someone older than you, a friend, family member, parent, grandparent, whatever, tell them you love them as often as you can because life is too short and no one knows what the future holds.

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Scotland is going into another lockdown from the 26th for 3 weeks.

Yay. Joy. Wowser. Merry fucking Christmas.

FYI, this isn't about not being able to leave my house or see my friends, at this point I'm used to it. This just feels like that final straw piling on to the stress of daily life, dealing with unemployment, financial stress, regular stress and insomnia. I'm on a train heading for fuckthisville. My depression has been bad for months but this past week my anxiety has been sky high and this..... isnt helping.

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Me right now. I have a heavy cold and feel like death. Luckily, I have zero covid symptoms (my paranoid self double checked 3 times) I dont think its the flu as I got the flu jab a month ago buuuuut 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ who the fuck knows.

Also, why does cold/flu stuff taste so disgusting? Isn't it bad enough your sick in the first place?

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I feel like today, with how I've been feeling I've just hit a wall and I am exhausted, down to my bones. My anxiety is really bad, my depression is at the worst its been in a long time, and I sh'ed for the first time in two years. Oh, and I have insomnia. So yknow, all that fun stuff too.

And it's not like I dont have people to talk to, I just don't want to. Dealing with people is one step too far today.

And now, even though its only just after 6pm, I'm going to sleep. I need it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

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I’ve been dealing with depression for 20 years now.  Which is just over half of my life I’ve been dealing with this. And I’ve had good times, bad times, better times, worse times. And right now is a dark time, heading for a bad time, if i’m not careful. 

And I am so tired, right now. 20 years of fighting and right now, I just feel like I need for everything to just..... go away.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about dying, but if the world could just pause for an hour, or a day, or a week.  So I could just be, without feeling like I’m carrying the weight of the world around with me.  Just let everything go and just be.   I’m only 36, but right now I feel about 90.

Fighting is necassary for my survival. If I lay down and gave up, my depression would flatten me like a steam roller.  So I fight, because I have to. Because this is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.  But I really wish I didn’t  have to.  I’m tired.  The kind of tired that a good nights sleep doesn’t help.

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I’ve been in a really weird mood today, which isn’t that surprising for a few reasons.  One, I have depression that I’m managing (so far) without the need for antidepressants, so I still have bad days but it’s not too bad today.  2 - and this is probably the biggest reason if I’m being honest, 13 years ago today my aunt died.  She was my mums younger sister and had Downs Syndrome.

All of my life, she had been there either my best friend or my worst enemy, we’d play and fight and laugh and cry, and as I got older I took on more of a caretaker role and helped out with her, giving my gran (her primary carer) a break.  And it seemed like overnight she developed more and more health issues, but she was dealing with them and it was fine.  Then she had a massive seizure and ended up in hospital, from there she eventually went into a nursing home, then over the course of 18 months her health kept slipping and slipping, and then she was gone. She was 48 when she died.

I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard today, I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years and feeling sad about losing her isn’t a new thing.  I think it hit me today that although I had her for two-thirds of my life, she’s now been gone for over a third of it, and soon there will be a time where I’ve spent more time without her than I did with her and that just breaks my heart.  I love her and miss her so much, and today is making me super emotional and not in the mood to be around people.  So I’m currently hiding in my bedroom.

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I’m on tumblr, talking to my bestie on messenger, and writing, while researching about self defence and how to break people’s fingers.  Who says I can’t multi-task.