#allison r

[cloud-bees]

ucweek day 1: quotes

[cloud-bees]

ucweek day 2: Moodboards

“Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose.”

[cloud-bees]

ucweek day 3: playlist                                                                   

 spotify

[thiscontactname]

"Jaysen" - Writing by ThisContactName

I felt my safest when i knew i could walk away. I felt like i was the most secure when i had nothing to lose.but that's not true at all. I have everything to lose now. I had everything to lose and i just threw it away.I threw it away for something that scares the hell out of me. I have lost my mind, again and again. In the past, I would have loved to get lost in someone whose lost themselves already, there's nothing to lose. I am not safe anymore. I am in danger, endangering myself. managing to find a loop hole, a passage less traveled, an undermining tone to each and every whisper. what's happening to me? I hated you for what you did to me. I hated you for who you were, and still are. words cannot describe the incompetence in your mind, your heart said yes, your brain said fuck, and your body struck at the moment. You told me I was beautiful. The empty words between us were kept in an overhanging gloom. the words unspoken pounded through my being. The small touches, the late clutches, the thick smoke and clouded minds...did they speak the truth or lustful lies? your ability to mend me boneless, how empowered you must feel. I know the truth behind your egotistical feast upon all things living. you cared for me, I was always the one you had to find, if i was gone, who would live for you? who would you live for? I'm not safe. I've buried myself six feet under in an attempt of keeping you away from me. Distance is my only company, the one thing bringing I back to me. I must keep digging, the sound of your voice still pierces my skin in faint fiction dreams. Fiction, not at all, memories are the things i'm digging from. That moment. That moment, on the front porch, both of us, cigarette in hand, couple butts sitting in the tray between us. Early morning in the peak of summer, i can still feel the breeze on me. i can still see every inch of that moment. Looking at you in awe, you were my ideal. My Sorcerer, blinding me with the truth in your heart and the reputation you had to uphold. That moment. That moment in the living room, the house dead as dawn, finishing off the cannibus that kept you coming back to me. I played that song, no words. you inched a smile at every chord that rang awry. smile inching to the biting of your thumb. Afterwards just, "that was beautiful". I'm digging from the insecurity of your touch, the overwhelming control above me. I'm digging from safety. I'm hiding in fear. If safety finds me, I'll never get out of here. I am not safe. I am where i want to be. Please, do me a favor, do not try to find me. I was lost with you, an artist in losing myself. I am found, I am bolted to this shelf. I have not cut all ties, all memories, all lies. you have to let me go. I have to let the thought of you die. I'm not willing to risk it all for a lie. So get out, leave. I'll never see your face once more. I'm a million feet under, I am not safe forever more. - just something real.