An alum responds to Wellesley’s Question: ‘How Satisfied Are you with your Life?’
One would think that nearly a year into the pandemic that I would have the hang of spending the majority of my time indoors at home and taking all of the necessary precautions to both avoid getting and spreading COVID. Alas, this week was one where I felt particularly exhausted and, to some extent, despondent. Initially in thinking about it, there was no real reason that I could pinpoint that would account for how I was feeling. As I mentioned, we are long into this pandemic. I have been keeping up with Yoga with Adriene at least four times a week, have a healthy currently reading and to be read pile, have Half and Half cued up on Netflix for a light distraction. I have a solid self-care practice.
Then I thought about that Wellesley Alumnae survey I had just completed.
“How satisfied are you with your life?”
A simple question but one that brings up so many feelings and emotions, mostly heavy and negative for me.
The truth? I am not at all satisfied with my life.
I know rationally that comparison is the thief of joy as they say but in this Instagram/Twitter/LinkedIn/social media age, one can’t help but see what others, especially other Wellesley alums, are into and compare, compare, compare. Law degrees and medical school and new homes and books coming out and weddings and babies, etc. etc. etc.
Then I look at my own life, which on the surface, is not that bad considering how many people in the US are struggling financially due to the pandemic (a fact that when I consider my own internal complaining makes me feel worse and ungrateful). Compared to the 12 year old me, however, who when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up for the 6th grade yearbook had visions of being both a film producer and writer or the 18 year old who wanted to be Secretary of State, the 34 year old me is slacking. To be fair, I know and can acknowledge that I have had both of series of traumas including some in adulthood that have seriously affected my life, mental health issues that at points were either ignored or white knuckled through and a lack of economic privilege and a safety net that matters when it comes to opportunity and risk taking. Still, that one question triggered me in a way that was unexpected.
I never expected to be 11 years out of Wellesley and on an unclear path. To not have a graduate degree (yet). To still be living in my hometown that has never suited me. To get on calls with my friends and feel like I have no “life events” to share. To feel like I am not doing anything particularly worthwhile. To still be thinking about all the ways I wish I could have done Wellesley differently had I not entered two months out from housing insecurity and family turmoil.
It all could have been different but it is not and I cannot change that as much as I wish I could.
To add to that, being an empath during a time where law enforcement continue to kill people who look like my family members or me simply for being black in America. Watching half a million people die during a pandemic due to this country’s neglectful and downright criminal response to the virus. Seeing some in this country completely wash their hands of taking precautions as soon as reports about Black, Latinx and Indigenous people being disproportionately affected by COVID were published (or in defense of their fReEdOmS depending on who you ask). Performative allyship and superficial DEI trainings. A contentious election. An attempted coup.
I wish I could conclude on some happy note, but that is not the reality of where I am at this week or frankly since June.
“How satisfied are you with your life?”
In 2021? Not satisfied.
Thank you for asking, Wellesley.
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Anon ‘09