destiny
a/n: OKAYYYY so this is a big one and when i say a big one i mean it’s over 14,000 words!! i put so much time into this and so much emotion so im kinda nervous for it gjdfkssdfg
this takes place mostly during private practice and i had to change some things around for the purpose of the story but i don’t appreciate and love amelias relationship with everyone from pp any less!!!!
some trigger warnings are: drug/alcohol addiction, death, suicide, mention rape and if there are any i missed pls pls let me know
anyways i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it :)
“I’m Amelia,” there was a jumbo box of crayons beside her, an assortment of 64 colours. “Do you want to colour with me?”
Atticus Lincoln was five years old when he fell in love. Whatever love meant at that young of an age, maybe love was meaningless; useless. To him, love was an simple word that he felt for anybody that was nice to him. He knew he felt something though, maybe it was because the young girl he met that happened to be his neighbour was pretty. Her eyes were a deep blue, and her dark brown hair had only come up to her shoulders. She had bangs that had grown out, so they now fell to the sides of her face occasionally covering her eyes.
Their backyards were connected with a fence running between the two because one side was his, and one side was hers. Her family had moved in only a year ago, a happily married couple with five kids— four girls and one boy. It was a Tuesday night, but all Link could remember was a girl his age holding the hand of her father, and her other hand rubbing her tired eyes and it was pouring. The streets were starting to flood with mini rivers creating puddles of water in the dips and corners of the road. Her hair was pulled back into two pigtails and her older siblings were running past the rest of the family, pushing and shoving and one of them was demanding for the bigger room.
The rain subsided later that night.
They were best friends. Two peas in a pod. Boyfriend and girlfriend (as her older brother would say). Always attached at the hip. Everyday, around the same time, shortly after school (if there was school, weekends and holidays were always after breakfast) they would meet each other at the fence that divided the two houses. If one was late, the other would sit criss crossed in front of the fence and would patiently wait, the other soon joining them after. Through the fence they’d share their crayons or their toys, or her father would hop her over the fence, (or Link would try and crawl up the fence himself) or they’d even go to the neighbourhood playground. It was like that everyday for a year, they’d talk about their day in school, not that there was much to ever say since it was Kindergarten. Not a day goes by without them meeting up in their usual spot, Link always being the most excited out of the two.
For a while, Amelia was always waiting at the fence first. Her legs were crossed in front of her, her elbow resting on her one knee with her chin sitting in the same hand, a huff coming out cause she’d grow impatient. Link would rush out his parents vehicle, his backpack tightly secured on his back and he’d be running over to the fence. “Finally!” Amelia would screech out and then she’d be pulling her own backpack out from behind her to reveal all of the artwork she made in class, a proud smile on her face.
It was like that everyday until it wasn’t.
One day Amelia didn’t come, after what felt like all day; she never showed.
At five, Link believes that was his first experience of heartbreak; sadness. (because what child knows what heartbreak is?) He was waiting and waiting and waiting and the girl never showed and because he didn’t have any sense of time, it felt like it was hours but it could have even been minutes. He wasn’t sure how long he had been waiting but he knew it was longer than usual and when there was no signs of the girl showing, he went inside. It felt like the end of the world; his friend not being able to play with him. This time, he had cookies packed in his lunch and he made sure to save one of them because he wanted Amelia to have it.
He never ate the cookie.
It was days later; an eternity for him. He was always keeping an eye out for their usual spot in front of the fence in hopes he’d see her, sitting on the ground, fingers pulling out blades of grass but she never came. There was a part of him that wondered if she moved away because he didn’t see her, any of her siblings, not even her parents and it started to look like any source of life was gone. The cars in the driveway never moved, no lights in the house turned on; it was quiet. Deafening.
It was a sunny and hot day when Link saw Amelia at the playground.
She sat on the concrete, a distance away from the playground and she was alone. In her fingers were two pennies and she was clicking them together, hitting the sides of them together softly. Her eyes were heavy and her hair was falling in front of her eyes. Her posture was sloppy, her slouching over her knees and all of her concentration were on the two coins.
Link sat down across from her, the girl’s eyes only glancing up slightly. “I saved you a cookie!”
“I’m saving up for a town,” Amelia looked up, her eyes not sparkling like they used to.
“My dad died?” It sounded more like a question, a question of something she never fully understood. She phrased it like she was repeating something she heard from others, rather than something she knew. Her eyebrows were pushed together and there was a permanent pout on her lips. “Derek said I’m never going to see him again. Mom won’t stop crying.”
The night was a blur to Amelia, her dad had just given her two pennies. Her brother and her sitting across from each other at the back of a convenience store, a comic book in Derek’s hands. The coins were taking all of Amelia’s attention away from the sound of two men barging into the store, a gun to her father’s head. The sound of a loud explosion caused her to turn her head quickly towards the source of the noise but Derek had grabbed onto her, one hand pressed tightly against her mouth and the other holding her against his chest. She couldn’t move, could barely even breathe and she could barely see her dad’s limp body laying there due to the tears that were fogging her vision. “It’s okay.” Derek’s soft voice in her ear was like a broken record, his face so close to her ear she could feel his breath and even though he was trying to not scare her, the sound of his voice was enough to send chills down her spine.
Amelia Shepherd was five years old when she cried herself to sleep for the first time.
~~~~~~~
Atticus Lincoln was ten years old when he was diagnosed with cancer.
Their daily routine to meet each other at the end of their street to catch the school bus had to come to an end because he was going to a children’s hospital. Amelia didn’t know a lot about cancer, she didn’t know much about it at all but she knew it was bad considering her best friend was being shipped to a hospital. She knew enough to know that cancer was bad news and that she should probably start praying. It wasn’t until she was walking to the bus stop alone and sitting in the seat beside the window, watching the rain drops hit the glass, that she truly cared about him and hoped and prayed that he was okay.
It had been a while since the two were together again, it seemed like all he did was live in the walls of a hospital room, his parents arguments vibrating off of the walls and his mother’s cries only getting louder at night time. Amelia visited as much as she could, whenever Derek would agree into driving her across town, but she didn’t go as often as she would have liked to.
They never discussed the cancer or the fear, or the overwhelming thought of what his sickness was doing to his family. Instead, Amelia would just sit down in one of the chairs beside his hospital bed, two chocolate bars in hand that she purchased at the vending machine and she’d say, “Hospitals suck.” It was a simple statement, but Link knew what she meant.
“Doing the best I can.” He was peeling the wrapper of the chocolate bar open, and his excuse was always going to be, eat as much junk food as he wants because he’s a cancer kid.
He was losing his hair, just something as simple as a hand running through it would be enough for a handful of hair to clump up in his hand. He was so so tired, that all he ever found himself doing lately is the treatments and then he’d sleep for the rest of the day, until his mom would wake up him to try and get him to eat something, or even drink something. On the days Amelia would come, she’d bring a stack of cards or a board game—literally anything she could find to pass time. Link would attempt to play but it’d always result in him falling asleep, the hospital blanket only pulled up to his waist.
Amelia would let him sleep. She would stay there though, turning on a movie or whatever television show looked appealing enough to watch, while occasionally glancing over at her friend to make sure he was okay. He would sleep for a few hours and as much as she would have loved to stay, Derek wouldn’t wait nor would he come back so when her ride was there, she had no choice but to leave.
The peds floor that Link was on had paintings on the walls, stuffed animals sitting in chairs, nurses were cheerier than usual and his parents would put on an act, around him and around the nurses but it wasn’t a secret that they kept butting heads. He’s heard it, the doctor that was treating him heard it, Amelia’s heard it; his sickness was destroying him as well his parents too.
His mom always put a smile on for him though.
The only upside, was that he wasn’t attending school and he got to lay in a bed everyday and Link would tell that to anybody that would listen. Amelia though, has always hated school, she could never focus and especially since her best friend wasn’t there, she had no one to play with.
So she made new friends.
She was visiting less frequently, one reason being because Derek wouldn’t take her there and the other reason being that she was with her other friends at the playground.
It was a long process; the cancer. It had been months, and the time between Amelia visiting was getting further and further apart. Link knew she was still her friend and that she still supported him, although there were times he had his doubts.
His parents got divorced.
~~~~~~~
Amelia Shepherd was sixteen when Atticus Lincoln showed up at her door step with flowers and a box of doughnuts.
Doughnuts became their favourite snack, a popular doughnut shop that was located down town was a place they found themselves sitting at during their study days. They’d share a box with each other; sharing being something they’ve done for eleven years. He was her best friend; maybe even her soulmate, she thinks. Whatever he was to her, she knew he was somebody she needed.
She always needed him, but not right now.
“What is it?” Amelia’s voice was thick with anger and irritation, a groan coming out of her throat. “What is your issue with me?”
Two of her sisters were mocking her and making comments that were making her feel small, something so common that it should be something she was used to by now. It shouldn’t bother her anymore but she always found herself making tight fists at her sides, her nails digging into the palms of her hand so hard that she’s sure it drew blood. Her head was spinning and her eyes couldn’t focus; everything was blurry.
“The issue is that you’re drunk,” Kathleen, one of her older sisters snarled. “And high— literally all the time. It’s time to grow up, Amy.”
“It’s Amelia.” Her voice was deep, almost like a growl and she was stumbling backwards to reach for the door knob to the front door. “It’s because I look like Dad, right?”
Her mom wasn’t around much, well, she was around, but she was always in her own world, drowning in her own grief and sadness. Her mom had some sort of resentment towards her, a bitterness towards her that Amelia could never figure out. Maybe it was because her eyes were the same colour as his, or maybe it was even her confidence or maybe it was because she was literally a spitting image of her father; basically a mini him and she knew that because Derek, too had the same pettiness towards her.
“Is that mom’s issue with me too? Because I look like him?” Her voice was hollow, words being spat out before she had a chance to process what she was about to say.
Link had knocked but nobody was answering but he wasn’t sure if it was because nobody was home or if it was because nobody could hear it due to the war that was erupting inside the house. He was going to knock again before it was roughly pulled open, Amelia losing her balance and using the door frame to hold on to. A smile was pulling at his lips and he was raising the box of doughnuts and the bouquet of flowers up higher so that they were in perfect view.
But her eyes didn’t sparkle like they usually did and she didn’t smile.
Instead, she was bringing her free hand up to her face to wipe away the hot tears that were staining her cheeks and she was brushing past him, heading towards a white Mustang that was parked in their driveway.
Amelia Shepherd was sixteen years old when she crashed her brothers car.
He saved the doughnuts for tomorrow; for a better day.
~~~~~
There was a time when Link was Amelia’s person.
There was a time when the two of them were always together. Now, sometimes, he’d see her at school in passing or he’d see her arriving home from school. Their interaction was next to nothing, he’d wave and all he’d get in return was a small smile that never reached her eyes and any source of life that was once in the girl was gone. The life in her eyes were replaced with misery, and she looked empty. She didn’t seem the same, he misses the girl who would pull out her paintings from school and flash him a giant smile, a proud look in her eyes. Now, she just looked like she was surviving rather than living.
It was like this for two months, forced small talk in the hallways and awkward smiles from across their yards. Amelia showed up at his front door one night, mascara dotting her cheeks and a sad look in her eyes. Her breath reeked like strong booze and her eyes were bloodshot red.
She cried to him, her face breaking the neutral expression she previously had on and it was twisting into pain, fresh tears wetting the dried mascara. Her hands were trembling and she was tugging on the roots of her hair. “I need you.”
He made a bed on the couch for her that night.
They didn’t speak about that night, she never even told him what was wrong instead she thanked him and snuck out of his house before his father woke. Link didn’t see her much after that, he wasn’t sure if she was even coming to school because he didn’t see her in the hallways and she was wasn’t waiting at the bus stop every morning like she used to.
It continued like that for a while and Link missed his best friend more than he wanted to. He missed her so so much that it felt like he could feel the pain in his chest and he always found himself peaking out his window to see if he could see any source of light coming from her bedroom but he was always disappointed when the light was always off. He’d search for her every day in class, he’d always let his eyes scan her house to try and find any sign of her.
Eventually, he gave up.
He spent time with his other friends, going back and fourth to each of his parents house during the holidays or the weekends because the divorce was messy and he thought his parents would rip each other’s faces off. It wasn’t easy on him; having two parents fight to have their son over because they couldn’t stand to be in the same room together. Link hated it, it made him feel like an object that they can just swap back and fourth whenever they felt like it. Sometimes he blames himself for it, if it weren’t for his sickness his family would still be happy.
He tried to distract himself because Amelia was pretty and he found himself missing her more and more everyday and Link wondered if he loved her or if it was as platonic as they both thought it was.
He was accepting the fact that their friendship was phasing out and he was worried that the night she spent crying on his couch may have been the last time he’d be seeing her. He’s kicking himself in the ass now, blaming himself because maybe there was more he could do to help her more.
He stopped looking for her, he stopped trying to check in. Link figured if she wanted to disappear there was a reason for it because the last time she vanished, her father died. The only thing Link couldn’t wrap his head around was the fact that this time it didn’t make any sense, nobody died. They were fine one day and then the next, they weren’t. If someone died she’d tell him, right?
Maybe that was it. They grew apart, and as much as it pained Link he had to learn to accept it.
He was accepting it, he was burying his face in his books and spending his free time with his new friends. He was okay. There’d be times where he’d see Amelia in the hallways at school hanging onto the arm of a boy, or sipping a coffee with one of her girlfriends, Michelle. That was a rare appearance though, most of the time he’d see her stumbling in the halls, eyes bloodshot and her hair matted. Sometimes, too, he’d see her slouching in her seat at the back of the classroom, her arms crossed over her chest and she looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but there. She used to sit beside him, now she sits at the back of the class. (if she attended)
Or he’d see her on his front door step on a late Saturday night.
“Hey,” was all she would spit out because the booze coming from her breath was stronger than ever. “I miss you.”
Her dark brown hair was thick and it had soft golden highlights coloured at the ends and it went down to the middle of her back. The ends of it were wavy and she was wearing hoop earrings. For the first time in forever, her eyes were sparkling. (or maybe it was the booze making her happy)
“Are you drunk?” Link bluntly asked, even though he already knew the answer to the question before he asked.
“Only a little.” She slurred and that made him know she was lying.
They went for a walk that night, down a couple of blocks, down by the beach, it felt like they were walking forever. Link’s hand kept brushing against hers every so often and there was many opportunities for him to lace their fingers together, but he didn’t allow himself too. She was drunk and she was a mess, nothing she was talking about was making any sense.
They settled on a park bench, Amelia laying down on it and settling her head in his lap, her face facing up at the moon that was full and lighting up the sky. She was talking about this boy she met, (not her boyfriend, she specified) but someone that she thought was nice and cute. She also mentioned that she’s been partying with him a lot. She talked about her new friend named Michelle, someone she states she’s been leaning on a lot. It stung to hear her say that because Link always imagined himself being someone that she’d leaned on, at least she used to.
He thought she looked beautiful, the way the moonlight lit up her face and the way her blue eyes looked when she stared at the moon and the stars. Her long brown hair was covering his lap, and one of her hands were resting on her stomach. He was in absolute awe, Link knew he felt something more for her. He knew because of the way his stomach felt when she looked at him, or the way his hands were always trying to intertwine with hers and he knew that he felt something because the mention of the boy made his stomach drop, a sadness running through him. He also knew he felt something for her because he wanted to have her sitting under the moonlight, her head in his lap for the rest of his life.
Link made a joke in response to a story she was telling him, her words slurring together. He saw her face break into a large smile, and she was laughing. He could feel her laughing against his lap and it was the first time in a while that her smile looked genuine.
After their laughs subsided she went quiet, a sad look washing away her smile. It pained him, seeing her suddenly looking so sad. Her eyes were watching the stars, her face neutral. “I’m everything they said I’d be,” her voice was soft, almost too soft for him to hear. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
She sat up from his lap, her back hitting the back of the bench and she let out a shaky sigh. “My sisters,” she started, looking down at her hands. “Think I’m a mess. Derek,” she paused again and he could tell she was holding back tears.
“He always thinks I’m going to break like I’m some piece of fragile glass. Or like some bomb everyone thinks is going to go off. My mom pretty much abandoned me.” She was laughing now, but there was also a puddle of tears sitting in the corners of her eyes.
“I’m taking pills.” She admitted, and her eyes looked up at the sky again and she was trying to avoid eye contact. “I’ve been drinking a lot lately.”
He wanted to tell her that he noticed, but it wasn’t appropriate.
So instead, he placed a hand for comfort on her thigh and she placed her own on top of his. Her head was resting on his shoulder and he heard a sob escape her mouth. “I’m always here for you, Amelia. I always will be.” He wasn’t sure what else to say to her, she was drunk and she was a crying mess on his shoulder.
So they both sat there, Amelia cried out all of the tears she could physically cry out and Link let her, his fingers softly brushing the top of her knuckles.
The sun was rising, shades of oranges and pinks colouring the white clouds.
Amelia Shepherd fell asleep against Atticus Lincoln’s shoulder that morning.
~~~~~~
Amelia Shepherd and Atticus Lincoln were eighteen years old when they said goodbye to each other.
They were both attending med school, but at different schools as well as different cities.
Amelia was sober. After attending many AA meetings and having Link always checking in on her, she managed to keep one and a half years of sobriety under her belt.
Everyday Atticus reminded her how proud he was of her. (and it was literally everyday.)
Now they stood in her driveway, a suitcase in one hand and her purse in the other, throwing it over her shoulder. Her hair was in a messy bun and she had no makeup on, and he thought she looked breath taking.
“I guess this is goodbye.” She said, her blue eyes looking into his.
“It’s a see you soon,” he corrected her. They were both staring at each other for what felt like forever but he’s sure it was only a few seconds before he was pulling her into a tight hug. Her face was nuzzling into his neck and she let out a sigh, it was a good sigh; a comfort sigh. He could smell her shampoo, and he knew he was going to miss that smell.
“You’re going to do great things.” He told her when they pulled away. “I love you, Amelia.” Platonically. (of course)
“I love you, Link. Thank you for everything.” She smiled and there was a dimple dipping into her cheeks. They were staring at one another again, blue eyes locked on each others. They wanted to remember each others faces because med school is four years and that’s a long time to go without seeing your best friend.
But she was on a time limit so she turned her back to him, picking up her suitcase and carrying it towards her car. Link wanted to wait for her to pull out; watch her leave. His person was leaving the city to attend school and he couldn’t go with her and a part of him was worried about her.
After she put all of her bags into the trunk of her car, she gave him a wave and her right hand was grabbing onto the driver’s side door handle before she stopped briefly, her eyes glancing back over at him. She walked back over to him, placing her hands on her hips and letting out a shaky breath.
“Okay,” she started, a smile pulling at her lips. “We’ll text everyday, call as much as we can and we can Facetime,”she told him, the light in her eyes sparkling, making her eyes look so much more blue.
“You’re always going to be my best friend and I want to hear from you, don’t be a stranger, don’t ignore my texts, don’t ghost me and most importantly, be happy. You need to be happy, and don’t let your parents divorce get in the way of your potential. I know you don’t talk about the divorce, but I know the toll it has taken on you and I don’t want that to stop you from being amazing..” she trailed off now, her hands falling to her sides. “Because you are, you’re amazing.” She was rambling now, something Link found her doing often and it made his heart warm, and it always made him smile.
Something took over his body, some boost of confidence or something because he was about to do something crazy and he was doing it before he even had the chance to think about it.
Both hands grabbed onto her face, pulling her closer towards his own and both of their lips were connecting. Her lips were soft, just as soft as he imagined; maybe even softer. He assumed she’d reject him, pull back, push him away — anything. Instead, he felt her tense body loosen up and she relaxed, kissing him back.
He pulled away for a moment, their faces only inches apart. Amelia could feel his breath hitting her face. Her lips were slightly parted, a strand of brown hair stuck to her wet lips and her eyes were trailing from his eyes to his lips. Her eyes were hungry, for more, and she was running her tongue along her bottom lip before she was gently biting down on the corner of it.
She leaned back in, and kissed him again. This time, the kiss was more passionate, and she found her hands grabbing onto his jawline, one behind his neck. One of his hands snaked around her waist to pull their bodies closer together as if they weren’t close enough. His heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears and his stomach was doing flips. He understood now why people say that sparks fly when you finally kiss the person you’ve been dreaming of kissing.
This time, she pulled away and her cheeks were rosy red and she was flustered. “I should..” she trailed off, her bottom lip being sucked into her mouth and she was biting on it. “probably.. go.”
And before he could kiss her again, because he really wanted to kiss her again, she turned away from him and finally opened the door of her car. “Remember,” she said, turning to him one last time. “Don’t be a stranger.”
And he did watch her drive off.
And he was in awe, a smile still sitting on his face and he felt like he was on Cloud 9.
A stranger was not what he was going to be.
Atticus Lincoln believes he’s in love with a girl named Amelia Shepherd.
~~~~
They kept their promise.
They texted everyday, called as much as they could. (at least for the first two years.) Med school got harder and they got busier but they did their best to keep in touch with each other. They’d Facetime on weekends, making queue cards and quizzing each other over shitty webcam quality before every exam. They’d tell each other about their days, almost the same way they did when they were five years old.
They’d talk about all of the drama, the boys and the girls they thought were cute, they talked about the friends they met. Link told her about a girl he was dating that never ended up working out, Amelia told him about her boyfriend that was working out. She’d plan to come home for the holidays and they’d always be ecstatic to finally reunite again, but Link was always spending his Christmas on plans so that he could see his mom on Christmas Eve, and his father on Christmas Day.
So every Christmas, they’d meet back at their old spot, in front of the fences. All they ever had time for was to exchange gifts, say hello and that they missed one another before they’d have to go back inside with their families, or Amelia’s next flight would be leaving soon.
Over the years, when med school ended and internship started, a few texts throughout the day was their only form of communication because their shifts ran sixteen to eighteen hours long. Sometimes, they never had time to talk to each other and Amelia found herself missing him more and more everyday, but she also knew that she had to move on, meet new people, because after her internship is residency, then fellowship and she knows she can’t tie herself down to someone who’s across the country.
So she stopped texting him, and their phone calls ended.
He stopped trying too. (not that he stopped trying, but he was too busy to try.)
It had been years since Amelia Shepherd spoke to Atticus Lincoln.
She was in the middle of her fellowship, for neurosurgery. It was ironic to her that she chose the same speciality as her older brother, but she excelled in it so that’s where she chose to stay. The last she spoke to Link, there were on their third year of internship and she doesn’t have a clue where he was doing his fellowship or what speciality he chose.
She was always curious though.
She didn’t go home for the holidays, instead she worked. Her sisters and mom never called either, and she had no interest in going home because every year was a pick on Amelia day, reminding her of the young girl she used to be, not the grown and much more responsible woman she is now. Derek never came home for the holidays, he had divorced his ex-wife Addison Montgomery, a woman Amelia had grown close to, closer than she was to her real sisters. He lived in Seattle now, and she hadn’t heard from Derek since her last visit during the holidays, which Amelia can’t remember how long time has passed since then.
She had her own people here, in Los Angeles.
She had just landed a job at Oceanside Wellness, a private practice located in Los Angeles where she was reunited with Addison Montgomery. Amelia had left her fellowship and moved in with Addison, sticking with the only family she had right now, family that actually gave a damn about her. Work was slow, mostly paper work, since a lot of people who came in were pregnant women, children or people who needed to see a shrink.
It paid the bills though, and she was making friends. Good friends; friends she needed.
“Great,” she sighed, placing the iPad back onto the counter top. “No messages.”
Beside her stood a blonde, chief of staff, Charlotte King. “Any of your patients need brain surgery?” Amelia asked her, boredom laced in her voice.
Charlotte had become a good friend, someone she could count on. They were both alike in a way, both got dealt the shitty hand and both struggled with addiction. “Nope.” She popped her p and Amelia was letting out a groan, her blue eyes rolling.
She was wearing a light grey sweater with black strips on it, her hair was longer now, just reaching above her waist and it was curled. She had hoop earrings on as well as a necklace. “I heard there is a patient in the ER at St. Ambrose who hit his head while riding a bike. No helmet.”
So that’s where she headed, to the hospital to do a neuro check on the idiot who rode a bike without a helmet
Pulling the curtain open, a man sat in the bed, a man that looked so familiar it made Amelia stop in her tracks briefly. “Link?!” Her jaw dropped and her smile was big, so big it felt like her face was going to crack and she was letting out a high pitched squeal.
It took Link a minute to process the brown haired girl in front of him, she was a bit taller, (not by much, she’ll always be short) she looked more grown up, her hair was longer and she was even more beautiful than he remembered. She was glowing. He thought the girl standing in front of him was perfect, an angel sent down from heaven because there was no way the girl in front of him was real.
“Amelia?!” His excited tone matched hers and so did his smile, and he felt his heart rate pick up.
She was running to the side of his bed now, throwing both arms around his neck and pulling him into a tight hug. Link breathed in her familiar scent, a scent he missed greatly. His favorite scent.
Their hug was long and he was holding her so tight like if he let go she’d disappear forever. “I missed you.” He whispered into her hair, giving her one last squeeze before she pulled away.
“No helmet?” She laughed. “You’re an idiot.”
So she did a neuro check on him, resulting in him being perfectly fine. “You’re a doctor, shouldn’t you know that you need to protect your head?”
“Was.” he corrected her, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. “I quit. I work at a bike shop in Venice beach.”
“You quit?”
“I lost a patient, a patient I got really attached to.” he explained and Amelia was nodding at him, understanding.
“I understand the bike riding thing now.” she joked, both of them laughing and then they were both staring at each other. “You stopped calling.” Her sad eyes looked at him and he let out a sigh, running his hands through his sandy blonde hair.
“So did you.” He pointed out and she didn’t answer because he was right, so did she. She doesn’t remember when they stopped calling or when all forms of communication ended, but it felt like a lifetime ago. She didn’t know why she stopped calling or stopped texting, she just got busy and it’s not like she forgot, but life got hectic and she found herself leaving behind her old life, wanting to start fresh. A part of her feels guilty, leaving behind the one person she could always count on, but she needed a new start.
They agreed on getting coffee, once he gets cleaned up and leaves the hospital. They wanted to catch up on life, Amelia wanted to know what speciality he chose, where he did his residency, why he quit being a doctor and she just wanted to know him again because too much time has passed. She missed her best friend.
Coffee went as planned, and it went smoothly. It was like no time had passed at all and their comfort level with each other made it feel like they saw each other yesterday. She had always found Atticus attractive, but a part of her was intrigued. His jawline was sharp and he was fit, his biceps clear in the tight T-shirt he was wearing. Amelia kept finding her eyes trailing up and down his body, her tongue running along her bottom lip before she was chewing on it.
He told her about his patient, the one he lost after he was prescribed with pain medications that Link had signed off on. Amelia’s reaction to that was not what he expected, he expected a more understanding side of her. But instead she was sitting back in her chair, her eyebrows pushing together because she thought he was insane. Insane for prescribing a young boy such an addictive pain medication. He tried to reason with her, explain his side of the story but she was just crossing her arms over her chest and rolling her eyes. Stupid, she thought.
They agreed to disagree.
She told him about her family, how she hasn’t spoke to her mother or how her sisters didn’t talk to her. Derek hated her, which is what she believed and she never bothered to beg for a relationship with him, so she let him be. She told him about her friends at the practice, spoke very highly of Addison Montgomery, who she stated was more a sister to her than her real ones, she told him about Charlotte King, someone she has grown close to and she told him about Cooper, Violet, Sam, Naomi as well as Pete.
Overall, Amelia was happier than she has been in a long time and Link could see it, he could see her glowing and he could see it in her eyes. He could tell by her posture, she seemed less tense, more carefree and she seemed happy.
~~~~~
Atticus Lincoln still worked at a bike shop.
Amelia still worked at the practice and since they lived in the same city, they were able to stay in close contact with one another. Link had met everyone from the practice, attending the wedding of Charlotte and Cooper, coming as Amelia’s plus one. (because she won’t admit that it was a date)
Link met her friend Michelle, the same Michelle from high school that also moved to Los Angeles after her mother died from a disease called Huntington’s Disease. Michelle, as well, wanted a fresh start and she said that LA was the place to live to get your dream started.
Link had no intention in being a doctor again.
When Amelia wasn’t with Link, she was with Michelle, drinking at a local bar called Whiskey Bend in the middle of downtown. This night, she went alone and she was calling Link at almost midnight for a ride home because she fell.
“There he is,” Amelia was slurring. “My knight and shining armour.” There was blood running down her arm and she had a white cloth pressed against it.
“Are you okay?” Link was asking while rushing to get out of his car.
“Fell down,” her words were slurring together so much it had Link questioning how much she had to drink. “Need stitches, didn’t think I should drive. Thank you for coming.”
“You didn’t think you should drive or the bar tender took your keys?” He was kneeling down in front of her now, her hand covered in her own blood and the white cloth was nearly completely coloured red. She had her hoop earrings in again, a pair that she seemed to wear often and she had on a black top, the front of it having strings criss crossing in front of the chest. She wore tight black jeans with a pair of black heels.
“Tomato, tomahto.” She said, letting out a sigh. But Link knew the answer to the question, she was too drunk to drive.
“Amelia, you’re drunk.” He pointed out and he could smell the booze on her, and it reminded him of the sad girl that stood on his porch in the middle of the night years ago.
“Not quite.” She was lying. “I was on my way to being drunk when all of the unfortunate bleeding interrupted my evening.”
“What happened to AA?” His voice was laced with concern, he was worried his friend was going to slip down a dark path again. He always worried about her.
“My problem is with pills, Link. Not booze.” She stated as if that made a difference, Link was rolling his eyes.
“Tomato, tomahto.” He said which caused her to burst out into a laugh, stumbling backwards as he grabbed onto her elbow to try and help her to her feet.
“You tomahtoed me back, that’s clever.” Her hand was still holding the now red cloth against her hand. “I like that. I like you.”
“I like you too, but I’m worried about you-” He’s seen her go down this path before, and last time he felt like he didn’t do much to help so now Link felt as though he was obligated to do more for her.
She interrupted him with a groan. “Please don’t.”
“You’re a drug addict using a drug. Just because it comes in liquor form does not mean it’s not a drug.” He was explaining it to her, as if she had no idea. But it looked like she was off in her own world, inspecting the deep cut on her hand that wouldn’t stop bleeding. “Addicts using drugs have consequences, for an example, you need stitches. That is a potentially severe--”
Link was interrupted again by Amelia placing her lips on his, grabbing onto his waist with her free hand and as much as Link wanted to stand there, continuing to kiss her because all he ever thought about was the time they kissed in her driveway, he couldn’t. She was a mess; again. So he pushed her away, letting out a sigh before he said. “Amelia...”
“Relax, Link. I’m not trying to sleep with you, I just needed you to shut up so that you can give me a ride to the hospital so I won’t bleed to death in the streets, could you do that for me?” Her sentence sounded like it was all in one breath, and she was slurring more than she was before. She gave him a look, a look that was like she was begging him, pushing her bottom lip out to pout at him.
So he drove her to the hospital that night and helped her suture her bleeding hand.
Amelia told him that she lost privileges at the practice while sitting on the chair in hospital, her eyes forcing themselves closed because she was falling asleep. Her words were still slurred and Link was trying to think of a solution, anything he could to do help her.
He truly did love her and he cared so much for her.
~~~~
Self destructive is the word Amelia would use to describe herself, it’s what everyone else thought, too.
This was the fourth day in a row Amelia Shepherd woke up with a hangover.
Link showed up at her place, two styrofoam to-go coffee cups in hand. Every morning, around the same time before he had to go to work at the bike shop in Venice beach, he’d show up with coffee and sometimes he’d even bring breakfast.
The two of them would sit at the table, and talk about their night or what they had planned for the day. Amelia had nothing but piles of paperwork to do because Charlotte didn’t believe that Amelia had her addiction under control. She disagreed.
Both sides of her head was pounding, no matter the amount of Tylenol she’d take. Her mouth was dry and she had already drank four glasses of water and has already puked twice this morning.
She was just having fun.
She talked to Link about her friend Michelle, who Amelia had just recently diagnosed her with the same disease her mother died from; Huntington’s. She told him about her request of an assisted suicide and although Amelia didn’t agree with her friend’s decision, she promised.
Link didn’t agree with her and neither did the rest of her friends at the practice. An accessory to murder, is what they’d call it.
She was attending AA again, and after this morning’s brutal hangover she promised herself that she was not going to drink that day. She was beating herself up, she couldn’t understand how she had nearly a decade under her belt of sobriety but she was struggling to even make it past one day. Her demons were bigger than her and sometimes she believed that made her weak.
Her friend Michelle was practically begging her to help her die, and it was either that or she killed herself so Amelia agreed to it.
That was her plan for the day, but she’d never tell any of them that she was actually going through with it because Charlotte would think she was crazy and Sheldon threatened to report it to the police and she’d lose her license, he said.
Amelia assisted her friend in suicide, giving her different kinds of drugs that would stop her heart. It was going smoothly, even though the both of them had tears running down their cheeks and Amelia’s hands were shaking so much she could barely hold the bottles still. Michelle was allergic to the drugs, causing her throat to close up and she was gasping for air, yelling at Amelia to stop and that she couldn’t breathe.
She was panicking, holding a shaky hand against her pulse and frantically telling Michelle that everything was going to be okay while she was dialling 911.
Her friend was rushed to the ER and Amelia was now questioning her insanity.
So now she sat on her couch, her face was bare and she had no expression. Her hair had strands falling in front of her eyes and she was staring blankly at the wall, she couldn’t move and she couldn’t breathe. Link was pouring her a tea, to try and distract her, to do anything.
She felt everything, she felt stupid, she felt reckless and more importantly she felt like her life was falling apart from underneath her. She didn’t know how to control herself anymore, and her mind was going through every possible scenario of how her friend might be.
There was a knock on her door and Amelia didn’t even look up, she didn’t even acknowledge it. She barely even heard it, and it was probably because of the ringing in her ears.
“Amelia.” The voice was stern and it was coming from Sheldon. The knocking was continuous, he was more so pounding on the wood. “Amelia, open the door. I know you’re in there, I saw your car.”
His knuckles were still hitting against the door and the more he knocked the more she came back to reality. “Amelia, open the door because I’m not leaving until you do.”
This drew Link’s attention away from the teas he was making and he was walking into the living room, watching as Amelia numbly stared forward and Sheldon stood outside, frantically trying to get inside. “Amelia!”
Link watched her finally snap back into reality, her eyes were hazed over and they were meeting Link’s before she slowly walked over to the door. She was practically dragging herself there, it was like she was forcing her legs to move because she literally couldn’t feel anything. She looked like a ghost, pale skin and it was like someone else took over her body. She was numb.
Her eyes never met Sheldon’s and her back was turned to him the second she opened the door. “Are you crazy?! Are you actually clinically insane?!” He was yelling now, trying to move around her so that she could look at him but she kept her back facing him.
“Did you really do this thing? Because even I didn’t think you were stupid enough and crazy enough to actually go through with it!” Link was about to step in to defend her because even though he didn’t agree with Amelia’s choices, she was his best friend and he couldn’t stand to sit there and watch Sheldon’s face get inches away from hers, his eyes full of rage. Amelia wasn’t listening, she was just staring blankly at him, her eyes glazed over and her face was neutral.
“Do you get that you basically confessed your crime to me before you did it? Do you get that I could and should call the police? And if that woman had died I would call the police because I’m not going to be an accessory to murder.” Amelia still couldn’t hear anything he was saying, she was staring at him though, but her mind was else where.
“What is wrong with you? Why are you this self destructive?” There was that word again. Self destructive. She’s heard it so many times she believes it’s true.
The two of them were staring at each other now, Sheldon’s eyebrows pushed together in anger and Amelia was still standing there, numb. Link was behind her now, waiting for some type of reaction from her. “She didn’t die? She’s alive?” She finally spoke for what seemed like hours, it’s the first words Link has heard her say since he got the frantic phone call from her saying that she did a bad thing.
“She’s alive.” His voice was calm now; soft.
Then it all came crashing down on her, like waves hitting the shore, it felt like she was drowning. Her chest was tight and it was hard for her to breath, she was hyperventilating. Hot tears were streaming down her face and she was grabbing onto the table in front of her to hold herself up because it was felt like her knees were giving out below her.
Which is exactly what happened, she fell to her knees, loud cries racking her body and Sheldon was leaning down, pulling her into his chest while she wailed.
Atticus Lincoln held Amelia Shepherd while she laid her head in his lap, her cries continuing and his hands were running through her hair.
~~~~~
Michelle killed herself.
I won’t drink today, if you don’t kill yourself. Deal?
A bottle of orange pills laid spread out around her in the bed, her chest no longer rising and falling, every bit of life sucked out of her.
That’s what it felt like for Amelia, too. Every bit of life was sucked out of her.
“I’ll be fine.” Her voice was hollow, and anybody would know she was lying and there was a glass of wine sitting in her hand as well as three orange pills laying flat in her palm. The police officer didn’t feel like pushing further because who was actually fine after they walked in on their friend killing their self?
Amelia Shepherd vanished again, this time for twelve days.
It was a habit she formed, probably from her childhood, run and hide when life gets hard. Link never understood it, in fact, he hated that she would just disappear, not speak to him and never expect anyone to worry.
He always worried.
The first day she disappeared, she showed up late to work, Charlotte forcing her to blow into a breathalyzer because she didn’t believe that Amelia was sober. (but was she wrong for assuming she wasn’t?)
Charlotte offered her time off work to mourn the loss of her friend, give her time to grieve. It just pissed Amelia off, causing her to snap at her, words laced with hatred. “This isn’t your job, harassing me is not your job, babysitting me, checking up on me, breathalyzing me, it’s not your job, it’s your damn hobby.”
Amelia’s sure she was still high from the previous night.
“Seriously Charlotte, what is your problem with me?” A hand was running down her face, her head shaking with frustration. “What is your damage?”
Amelia went home from work.
Nobody heard from her or had seen her after that, it was like she fell off the face of the Earth. Her phone was being sent to voicemail, Charlotte was calling, Link was calling, everyone was calling.
There was a patient that was in need of emergent brain surgery, and although she was being paged, there was never an answer. Nobody knew where she was. She disappeared.
Her cellphone and home phone were both ringing non-stop, whenever they’d page her, they’d immediately page her again, whenever they called her cell, they’d call her again. Everytime it went to voicemail, and it was causing a shiver down Charlotte’s spine because she knew there was something wrong. She knew because she was just like Amelia, she saw herself in her.
Ryan Kerrigan, a man beside her in the bed, providing her more of the orange pills that morning. The same man she wound up in bed with the night before, having no memory of it because she was too high on Oxycontin.
Her pagers were going off again, both at the same time and there was a razor blade sitting on the counter top, white powder surrounding it. She couldn’t hear the pagers, she sat in her bed, only wearing a laced purple bra, Ryan’s head resting on her shoulder. She was frozen in spot, staring at a random spot on the wall and her entire body was floating, her mind was in a different world. They both couldn’t hear the pagers, they both couldn’t move, it was like they were stuck to the bed and she felt amazing. She felt so good, so good to the point where she felt happy, so happy that her mind was no longer dark and all of the trauma that she once struggled with was gone.
They ran out of drugs, which only caused Amelia to pull out her prescription pad and write out their own doses, sending Ryan to the pharmacy to get it for them. This was a familiar idea, something she did when she was younger with her own brothers prescription pad. Their night consisted of sex, and drugs. There was nothing else to it, and if Amelia could do that all night she would, and she, in fact, did that all night. “Holy crap, I think I’m in love.” Ryan believes it was love at first sight.
Charlotte got in contact with Link, did everything in her power to get his number and when Link heard the worry in her voice, he was on his way to Amelia’s house to meet her there. “Amelia!” Charlotte was already at the door knocking when Link arrived.
Amelia wore nothing but a white and yellow house coat, and she sat on her couch, anxiously chewing on the sides of her finger nails. The knocking continued and Charlotte wasn’t sure if she could even hear her, or if she was just ignoring her.
Link was at the door now, looking at Amelia through the glass door. “Go away, Charlotte.”
“You’re taking drugs. You’re taking pills, that’s why you’re blowing clean.” Link swallowed the lump that was sitting in his throat and his hand reached up to the door to knock but before he got the chance to, it was pulled open by Amelia.
“This is harassment. If you don’t watch out, I’m going to hit you with a lawsuit and a restraining order.” Amelia’s eyes never glanced at Link, it was like he was invisible, it was like she didn’t care that he was there as if the last twenty or so years meant nothing to her. (or maybe it was the drugs)
The blonde ignored her remark, placing her hands on her hips and began lecturing her about a patient that nearly went blind because Amelia went home sick from work and never answered her pages. “I am sick.” She lied.
“You don’t look sick, Amelia, you look high.” Link’s mouth opened to speak but stopped when a man, a man he didn’t recognize was coming up the stairs, his hazy eyes matching hers. His voice was soft when he excused himself, brushing past both Link and Charlotte, placing a gentle kiss on Amelia’s forehead.
Link’s heart sank. He didn’t know who this man was, Amelia never told him about any boyfriend and it made him sad because he was in love with her, at least that’s what he believed but he never tried to go any further with her out of respect of her sobriety starting to alter.
“You wanna sue me? That’s fine, sue me.” Amelia’s eyes were staring in Charlotte’s, her pupils the size of a pinhead. “But you won’t step one foot into my hospital until you get some help because I’m not going to stand back and watch--”
“You know what? Save your speech, Charlotte, it’s cool. I quit.” The door was slammed in both of their faces and the blinds were pulled shut. Link ran a hand down his face, letting out a sign and Charlotte and him were looking at each other, with a what do we do? face.
It had been days since Link had seen Amelia, since anyone had seen her, or even heard from her. Link tried to personally call her himself, but her phone went straight to voicemail. He wasn’t sure what to do, he wasn’t sure how to help because anytime he tried to, it was like he didn’t exist to her and she’d vanish from his life everytime he tried to help.
Addison saw Amelia in the back of her house, on the chairs that faced the ocean, a man Addison didn’t know, pouring tequila onto her belly button and then drinking it off of her stomach. “If this is trouble, you should try it.”
Amelia didn’t want to listen to anyone, or maybe it was the drugs that was creating her into a monster. Into someone that Amelia herself didn’t recognize, but that monster was taking over her mind and body and whatever was coming out of her mouth was someone else, someone that wasn’t recognizable.
So she disappeared, renting out a room in a trashy and random hotel somewhere downtown Los Angeles because she didn’t want anyone to find her. The only thing she wanted, the only thing she craved was drugs and Ryan. They spent their nights together in a dark room, having sex or getting high when the drugs would wear off, a hand slung over her waist and her head rested on his chest. They talked about random stuff, anything that could come to mind considering her head was clouded with drugs and she wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t. She told him about her father, something she’s never told anyone. They talked about her career, about how much of a kickass neurosurgeon she was, he talked about himself and the more time they spent together the more time they fell in love.
It was a different kind of love though. A kind of love that you only come across once.
It wasn’t the same love she had for Link though, although she’d never admit it, he was her soulmate kind of love.
She showed up at work one day, dressed nicely, hair and makeup done and she looked like she had just come back from vacation or something because compared to the way Charlotte saw her two weeks ago was not the same girl standing in the break room at the practice talking about how much she needed coffee. It was like she forgot, forgot about quitting her job, forgot that she just missed twelve days straight of work.
The girl even had a smile on her face and nobody could tell if it was an act or if it was genuine.
Whether it was an act or not it didn’t stop Addison from slapping her across the face, scolding her for disappearing for almost two weeks because they thought she was dead.
But Amelia didn’t understand their concern because to her, she only missed a couple of days.
They staged an intervention.
Link joined too, including a therapist or party planner, whatever she was considered, and they closed the practice down for it. No patients, no appointments; nothing. This day was for Amelia.
“I said I’d stay at the practice, I did not say that I would hangout with you.” She spat, hatred laced with in her voice. The sound of her heels tapping against the floor faded as she walked further away from her friends, going into her office and slamming the glass door shut behind her. An angry and loud groan slipped through her lips as she threw her bag roughly onto the ground, pushing all of her belongings and paperwork off of the countertop onto the floor. Shaky hands were running through her matted hair, yanking onto the roots roughly and she was angry; so angry that it was scaring herself. She had no control, she wanted to punch a wall, rip her hair out, dig her fingernails so deep into her palms that it would cause them to bleed.
Pale skin, heavy eyes and matted brown hair that looked like it hadn’t been brushed was falling over her eyes. A monster was in control of her, splitting her open at the seams, spitting out comments of rage and bitterness. Comments that she’d never say to anyone sober, comment she’d never even imagine herself saying. But this wasn’t Amelia, this was someone else.
“Poor Derek, poor Mark,” Amelia spat. “You aborted his kid, right?” Addison tried to walk away, tried to control herself because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing to provoke her.
“And now you’ve got Sam and at least he’s smart enough to not want to try and breed with you because let’s be honest, not even Rosemary’s baby would want to live amongst the tumbleweeds in your uterus.” Her comments were hateful, full of rage, a side Addison has never seen from her. She’s seen her spiral, lose control of herself but this was a side of Amelia that Addison was almost afraid of, afraid of getting to close to, afraid she was going to lose her completely.
She sat in a room full of her friends, Link included, her pupils the size of a small black dot, old makeup smudged underneath her eyes, pale skin and sad eyes. “Honestly, Pete, all I have been able to think since I saved your pathetic life is, was it worth it? ‘Cause you’re kind of a tool.”
It was like Link still didn’t matter to her, like he was just a nobody, someone from the outside looking in. Her eyes never met his, and if they did, it was like she didn’t recognize him. “I mean, maybe saving you was a waste of my energy. Maybe it was a waste of my mad, mad surgical skills. Maybe you’re a waste of a life, maybe angel-of-death dude should call it a day and swallow some pills yourself. What do you say, cross on over to the other side?”
Link’s hands were running through his own hair, and his eyes scanned over everyone else’s faces. Some of them, mostly Pete, looked mad and the others, mostly Charlotte and Addison looked concerned, and Link could almost hear Addison’s heart breaking.
“It’d give your wife some great material for her next book, and she’d love that. That’s her thing--” her heavy eyes looked over at the therapist. “Raping her personal experiences for attention.”
Amelia’s eyes locked on Violet’s. “Oops, did I say rape?” Now they were on Charlotte. “Sorry, Charlotte.” She slouched back into her chair, one arm resting on the back of it.
He didn’t recognize her. This was not the Amelia Shepherd he knew, it wasn’t the Amelia Shepherd he fell in love with. Her skin was so pale she resembled a corpse, and her makeup looked like it was from days ago.
She was spitting comments at the therapist, mocking her for specific words she was using, asking her if it was her special S.A.T words or if she was a riddler and if they were talking in riddles. The therapist was having a laugh, making petty comments back to her because she believed that they could do this all day, at least that’s what Amelia said.
“I’ll change the locks until you get help. I’ll change the locks. You can’t live at my house anymore,” they couldn’t tell if the look on Amelia’s face was angry, like she was going to explode and start screaming at her or if she was going to break down in a puddle of tears. “I will change the locks. I will throw you out.”
“Then I will call your mother, and your brother and your sisters,” Link was watching Amelia now, especially because of the mention of her family, her family that has always thought of her of a self destructive mess. The family that never cared much about her, could care less where she was in the world or how she was doing. “And then I will call the medical board and report you, because I love you, Amelia, but I will not love you to death.”
There were beads of sweat sitting on her hairline, and her leg was beginning to anxiously bounce up and down. Her hands were trembling and her eyes were locked on a spot on the floor, eyes perfectly still.
They offered her a water bottle, with a drug dissolved inside it called a Bupe, something that would resolve all withdrawal symptoms and prevent drugs from getting her high for seventy-two hours. Somehow Amelia knew, she knew what they were doing and that made her even more angry.
“Get me some Oxy,” she said softly before tossing the water bottle towards the therapist. “Score me some Oxy and then I will stay for as long as you want.” Her eyes locked on Link’s now, and it was like she was looking right through him. The girl he once knew was gone.
The girl that would pull out her drawings and paintings from her back pack, showing them off with a proud smile was not the same girl sitting here now, elbows rested on her knees and she was slouching over them. The same girl that had so much life inside her, a smile spreading across her face while she told Link about her biggest dreams and desires, the same girl that showed up with chocolate bars and a deck of cards every time she visited him in the hospital, the same girl that met him in front of the fence every Christmas when they’d fly home, greeting with a tight hug and her face nuzzling into his neck. This girl was not that girl, this girl was terrifying, a monster, someone Link didn’t want to know.
“What do we want? Drugs. When do we want them? Now.” After people made their rounds, trying to talk Amelia into getting sober, getting help, she was sweating even more, ripping her jacket off and throwing it on the floor while pacing back and fourth in the building. “What do we want? Drugs! When do we want them? Now!” She was fist pumping the air, chanting to herself because people were trying to talk over her, to get her to listen.
This continued for a while, her chanting getting louder and it was becoming more demanding and she was starting to scream at them, grabbing onto the backs of their chairs and getting as close to their faces as she could. There was a darkness in her, a darkness nobody has ever seen but Amelia knows the darkness so well, it was always in her.
Addison Montgomery gave her the drugs.
And Amelia Shepherd snorted the drugs, right off the counter top in front of all of her friends.
Now she sat in the chair, her hands folded in her lap and her leg was no longer bouncing and the sweat on her face was drying. She was calm; so calm that Link wasn’t even sure if she was breathing. Her eyes stayed locked on the ground, not moving, not talking and barely even breathing. It was like everyones words were going in through one ear, and out of the other.
Link sat in the chair beside her and when she didn’t look at him, he crouched down directly in front of her and stared into her lifeless eyes. They were glossy, and her blue eyes seemed greener than usual and you could see the pain written on her face. Her soul was gone, it was like nothing was left of her. The person he once knew, she wasn’t there; not even one bit. “She’s so high, she can’t even listen to us.” Pete pointed out.
While he stared at her, the memories of the two of them flooded back in, his favourite memories, the memories he’ll hold onto forever.
“Let’s get married.” The seventeen year old chimed, her hair blowing softly in the warm breeze, her blue eyes having a tint of green in them from the way the sunlight hit them. It was around five o’clock in the evening, the sun starting to set and it was giving her a golden glow. She was perfect.
“What?” He asked back, her head now resting on his torso, turning her body to look at him.
“I know it sounds insane,” she laughed, the corners of her lips pulling upwards. “But think about it, you’re the only person that has ever actually give a crap about me, the only person who truly knows me. You’re my best friend, Link, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“So what you’re saying is you want to get married, at seventeen years old.” They were both laughing now, and her laugh was like music to his ears.
“Not right now, silly,” her smile didn’t fade, and the way she looked at him made him weak. “But in the future, when we both have a career, we can move states, start fresh, start a family.”
Link didn’t say anything, but he could feel the love he had for her throughout his whole body and it sounded crazy to say that, say that when you love someone this much that it hurt and that he could feel it in his bones.
“I’ve spent literally most of my life with you by side, and you never left even when I would get all dark and destroy everything around me,” her voice was soft now; more serious. “You’ve never walked out though. You are the most loyal person I’ve ever met.”
The idea of spending the rest of his life with her was crazy, but it also was something he had dreamed about, sometimes it didn’t seem that crazy to him.
-
“I’m in love with you, okay.” Her voice was deep; hoarse and it was probably from them previously smoking from a piece of tin foil. “Don’t freak out or leave me.”
His hands were roughly grabbing on her cheeks, pulling her towards him and kissing her with so much passion, so much hunger.
“Do you want to get married?” Ryan said to her, their lips brushing against each other’s.
“Are you serious?” she looked confused, lost. “I mean, we can’t get married. I mean that’s insane.”
He was shaking his head, a hand running up her thigh. “It’s not. Amelia, I will never leave you. I’m in love with you, too.”
She was laughing now, a smile forming on her face. “Oh my god, we’re getting married?”
“You have to say yes.”
“Yes. Yes.” Her smile was big and she was moving herself so she was straddling his hips, her arms running up his chest before she had her hands resting on his shoulders. “Yes. Yes.”
Link was grabbing onto her face, brushing the loose strands away from her pretty eyes, her eyes that used to be full of life. He was telling her that she was better than this, stronger than this and that he’s seen her pick herself up before and he reminded her how proud he was of her. He told her that she can pick herself back up again, and that he’d be there every step of the way.
She was crying now, her expression less face breaking into a pout, fresh tears wetting her old makeup. “I don’t think I can do it.”
All attention was drawn to the elevator, and Ryan stepped out causing Amelia to jump up from the chair, the legs sliding on the ground. “Ryan.”
From across the room, Addison noticed a watch on Ryan’s wrist, the watch that belonged to her mother, the watch that got her father murdered. You couldn’t read Addison’s face, she seemed hurt, or maybe it was disbelief because she was shaking her head, grabbing Amelia’s chin in her hand causing Amelia to forcefully rip her hand away.
“You gave him your fathers watch?” Amelia just stared, her bag now slung over her shoulder.
Nobody knew the meaning behind the watch, to them, it was just a watch and they didn’t understand why Addison was getting so worked up over something so little. Sam and Link knew though, and it caused a shiver down Link’s spine because he was there through it all, he knows the pain behind it all.
“Two men came into her fathers store when she was five—” Amelia’s eyes turned into something Link has never seen before, it was like something switched inside her because she was suddenly lunging towards her friend, causing Ryan to grab onto her waist to hold her back.
“Shut up!” She was screaming now, loud sobs taking over her body. Screaming at Addison that it wasn’t her story to tell and that it was hers because it was her dad. You can hear the pain in her voice, and she sounded like she was in so much misery that it broke Link’s heart to hear. Her voice was hoarse and he wasn’t sure if was because of how loud she was screaming or if it was because of the tears that wouldn’t stop spilling out of her eyes.
She was fighting Ryan back, grabbing onto his arms that secured her waist, trying to pull herself out of his grasp because if he would’ve let go, they’re sure she would’ve actually attacked Addison. “You stupid, ignorant, monster, bitch.” You could barely make out what she was saying because how hard she was crying.
“You ever tell that story to anyone, I will kill you with my bare hands.” It was believeable, the sound of her voice and the look in her eyes; she meant it.
And that was it. She left, sniffling and rubbing her cheeks dry.
And they let her disappear again for a few days.
~~~~~
Ryan Kerrigan overdosed.
Amelia Shepherd attended rehab, a sixty day program where she met a young girl named, Hailey. Ryan’s death was the reason for her to admit herself into treatment, it was her rock bottom, she finally fell off the edge she was dangling off of for so long.
All of her friends tried to visit her within the month, Link trying almost every day, but Amelia didn’t want any visitors. She couldn’t look them in the eye, she was ashamed and she could barely even look at herself.
Months later, Amelia was pregnant, with Ryan’s baby and he had a condition where he was born with no brain. She named him Christopher and she donated all of his organs after he lived a short life.
The death of her baby was enough for her to want to slip again.
Atticus Lincoln got a job offer, in a different state and a different city. He told Amelia about it, after she could finally face him, and she told him that he should take it, promising she’d visit as much as she could.
There was too much trauma in Los Angeles, and after recently getting engaged to a man named James, she flew to Seattle for a surprise visit to see Derek and his wife, Meredith. In all honesty though, Amelia just wanted to see if she could handle it, the family, the children, all of it.
Derek begged her to stay, offered her his job as Chief Of Neurosurgery, and that’s when Amelia decided to never return to Los Angeles, call off her engagement and move to Seattle to start fresh; again.
Years have passed and Amelia was sober, she almost fell off the wagon again after the death of her brother, pacing back and fourth outside of his front door, a bag of Oxy sat in her pocket and a man named Owen Hunt talked her down. For the first time in her whole life, she allowed herself to finally feel everything, all of the pain, all of the trauma and although it was the worst thing she had ever endured, she stayed sober.
She did slip, it wasn’t a fall but she slipped and found herself drunk in Meredith’s hospital room after a night she had gotten attacked. It wasn’t anything more than that, a few nights sitting in a bar sipping back some Vodka tonics, but there was no pills involved.
Moving to Seattle might have been one of the better decisions she had made, she made new friends, got married (and divorced), she had family there, true family. She lived with Meredith and Maggie Pierce, two people she considered her sisters as well as her two nieces and nephew.
She ran the Neurology department, and Amelia finally felt like she had proven her sisters wrong, proven herself wrong, proven the sad girl screaming at her friends for drugs, wrong. She was happy, she was doing great and there was no longer a weight sitting on her shoulders, constantly wearing her down. There was no more pressure to be the best sibling, she’s doing better than she was doing years ago and that was good enough for her. It should be good enough for everyone, she thought.
She hadn’t spoke to Link since he decided to take the job offer, and although she missed him, a part of her didn’t. Maybe it was because she accepted the fact that they will probably never be together, considering every time the world pushes them together it ends up pulling them apart. Neither of them tried to contact each other and even though they made a promise, which always seems to be broken, they just never tried. Amelia blames it on the fact that she runs an entire department and that Link is an orthopaedic attending at some random hospital, somewhere in the world.
It wasn’t until she was at a conference, an alternative pain relief conference when she saw Atticus Lincoln again. Life once again pulling them together like some weird twisted fate.
He was speaking on a stage talking about the patient that he lost, the same patient that he told Amelia about, a young boy getting addicted to opioids that he prescribed.
Although Amelia has heard the story before, it still angered her, even more so now, especially after her past.
So she left his speech, attending a different one, one that won’t piss her off.
Until Atticus Lincoln showed up at her hotel room door, trying to defend his reason and Amelia was rolling her eyes because she will never agree with him, no matter what his defence was. It bothered her too, that this was their way of reuniting.
Her hair was short, just above her shoulders and she wore dark jeans with a red shirt, with a jacket that was coloured dark grey with red and white stripes on it in the shape of squares.
And he was more attractive than he was before, somehow looking better every time she saw him. She didn’t understand it, how somehow can get more and more attractive throughout the years. His jawline was sharper than she remembered and his eyes were a light blue.
Atticus was still in love with her, and the way she looked now, he knew that the feelings for her never faded.
So they were arguing, eyes blazing and heads shaking. “You would’ve done the same thing I did.”
“I absolutely would not have because I understand how addiction works.” And she was frustrated, frustrated because she never knew when he became so naive, especially since he was there, he was there for her addiction, he held her hand through it all and told her he’d be there. He should understand.
“Back then, you would’ve--” her hands were coming up to her hair, roughly running them through it.
“And I believe the drug companies also understands it, and they have made billions on the back of it.” She interrupted, she didn’t care for his opinion and she was mad that he was even in here trying to defend himself.
“Jason’s leg was caught between a defender and a goalpost,” she was walking away now, the fact that someone who was her best friend was trying to defend opioids to her was unreal. “His knee was bent ninety degrees sideways. No amount of ibuprofen or sound baths were going to help him.”
Their arguments continued, both of them frustrated for not seeing the other’s point of view. He was yelling now, talking about how the only reason he fixed bikes was because that’s all he trusted himself doing, and that the look on Jason’s moms face was always burned into his mind.
“Maybe we don’t have to fight about this,” he sighed. “Maybe we can fight this thing together, like Batman,” he paused, both of their breathing slow. “And.. Batman.”
She was calm now and she was smiling, the smile Link dearly missed. Now she was stepping closer to him, their blue eyes locking. “Okay.”
“You still wanna hit me? Because for a minute there, it looked like you wanted to hit me.”
“No.” They were both breathing heavy, their faces only inches apart from each other. “I’m sorry, I’ve been in a weird place these days.”
“I can roll with weird.” They were both chuckling, the familiar sparkle in Amelia’s eyes glowing. “Want to get some dinner?”
“Yeah,” she nodded before stepping forward even closer, her breath hitting his face. “No.” Then their lips were connecting and it both felt like they were on Cloud 9. Link thought back to the time in her driveway, hands reaching up to grab onto both sides of her face, trying to pull her closer into him. Her hands were grabbing onto the back of his head, her fingers loosely running through the ends of his hair.
Their kissing was getting more intense, Amelia’s hands trailing down to his chest to unbutton his shirt to reveal his chest. His hands snaked around her waist, tugging on her waistband of her pants.
She pulled back for a minute, foreheads resting on each other and her hands wrapped around his neck. “This, isn’t going anywhere. This is just, alternative pain relief.”