#american-dialect

[viperslang]

If Mason writes wolf poem collection for  NaPoWriMo, I am starting a kickstarter to support it.

[andlohespoke]

another great title, this time gifted by american-dialect!

[myalphabetinmotion]

Here's a prompt: describe the opposite of touch. :)

touch: Verb

1. come so close to (an object) as to be or come into contact with it.synonyms: meet, join, connect with.

antonyms: saying goodnight, falling asleep right before someone dies, leaving the light on because there are needles in your fingertips that you are afraid to push further in. You try.

2. handle in order to manipulate, alter, or otherwise affect, esp. in an adverse way.synonyms: handle, hold, move.

antonyms: closing your eyes and pretending that the lamp you tripped over on your way to the bathroom is in someone else’s home instead. telling him no and then landing in his bed.

touch: Noun

1. an act of touching someone or something.synonyms: tap, pat.

antonyms: winding your fingers around the air so that you don’t feel any thing. dreaming that you are floating so that your nerves don’t sing with discomfort.

2. a small amount; a trace.synonyms: bit, tinge, note.

antonymns: eyeliner on your face when you decide to try hiding again. smoke that escapes to your nostril when you’ve set fire to everything. how much you hated yourself when you were ten.

I have always kept to myself. I am the opposite of touch.

[viperslang]

an OCD patient during my internship had burn marks all over her hands because over a period of time, her desire to be "clean" could not be sufficed with soap alone and she had taken to rubbing alcohol approx 19-20 times a day. the excessive washing of hands had left the skin peeled and the alcohol had p much scorched it. 

[viperslang]

a moment of silence for mason who has just found out what a lang leav is.

[viperslang]

hahaha

mason's bio is changed to -- "The only haiku penning Jesus stunt double of this generation."

woohoo!

[viperslang]

american-dialect replied to your post:i have gained 55 new followers between my nap and...

Hahahaha, I’ve lost almost that many since yesterday. Maybe they flocked over to your blog. :)

Whaaaa? But like you are amazing! what toads.

Ye sodomites, follow Mason coz like he is the only haiku penning Jesus stunt double of this generation.

[andlohespoke]

"All your small bones" (Ask an Editor #16)

As the torpedoes rain down around us, I’ll reconstruct all of your small bones into a monument — your internal hierarchy. I’ll peel away my unnecessary flesh and cover your small bones with the memory in my skin and let the bombings become the soundtrack to our macabre dance — my bloody hands hanging on to your skeletal shoulders, shivering. It’s so cold out here. It’s so cold, so I’ll wrap all of your small bones into my chest. I’ll shudder and squeeze and hold you close, hoping like hell that’s enough to keep you warm.            (At least for now.)

Hey Chris! Since you're still offering, I figured I'd take advantage of this again :) This is another older poem. I dug it up this morning to edit and keep my mind busy and I can't quite get it right, but I'm not sure why. So go ahead take the gloves off. Thanks a bunch man.

Hey Mason--I was excited to see you for a second round! Let's see if I can help:

I like all the imagery you're tackling at once: waltzing, bloody skeletons; the shivers of cold; peeled skin as a coat; and explosions. Most of these are fine as is, but I think a few could be further milked for an extra punch. 

Let's talk about those explosions. Other than the opening line, the only other mentioning of them is "let the bombings become / the soundtrack to our macabre / dance" (8-10). But I think you could dedicate a stanza more so to this idea, so the reader feels the volley going off all around them. Soundtrack implies a level of constancy that is currently missing in the poem, if that makes sense. Other than that passing note, that first line gets overshadowed by the skeletal dance--which is obviously the focus of the poem (and title), but you shouldn't abandon good ideas :) Maybe the two notice the explosions? How close are they? Do pieces of dirt (or something else) get blasted near the dancing couple (rocks bouncing off bones)?  

Also I thought you might be missing an opportunity to play with the idea of heat coming from the explosions, juxtaposing that with the cold the two skeletons feel (despite the fiery blasts around them). I think emphasizing the explosions would also make that last stanza's mentioning of "hell" have a nice twist to it (war is hell, and all that).

To be a little more direct: I'm obsessing with all these contextual details because I've encountered this idea before in prose and poetry (people peeling skin to become skeletal lovers). So I'm trying to find ways for you to elaborate upon this idea, using your own unique elements to expand upon the scene. Not that the idea should be abandoned; I'm just trying to find ways to help set your idea apart.

I really like the part about the "memory in my skin" and think you could expand this idea more like you did with Synesthesia in your other poem. Which is to say it's an interesting line, but you could unpack it so it resonates more with the reader. Does the beloved get a glimpse of the speaker's past when he covers her with it (if so, you could tie that to the scene with the bombs, or even just the two)? Do the memories become something else when used as clothing, like a conversion of love (you're already hinting at this, but a more tangible expression of this would be awesome)? Just trying to give you some ideas, but I think the idea of skin as something more is a good place to look for revision. 

Nit-picky: I'm sure you obviously know torpedoes are a water weapon, as opposed to the more typically seen missiles. I thought that word choice was interesting / unique, but again, perhaps you could play with that more. Is the cold like a frozen sea the torpedoes sail through? Is there icy rain around the couple, containing the torpedoes (that sounds like fun!). Something to really integrate the difference, if that makes sense.

I know I gave you a ton of different ideas--hopefully you have some new ammo for revision. I'm looking forward to your next version of this poem, as well :) Cheers!