Amnesiac Chap. 7
Lucerys fights against his guilt about what happened on Storms End. You grow curious about your husband.
Tw: manipulation, panic attacks and guilt
Each moon that you remained a hostage, Lucerys grew more and more anxious. He had not forgotten the look in his uncle’s eye when Aemond demanded him to put out his own eye, nor had he forgotten the dread that filled him at being chased like mere prey through the unforgiving wind.
Aemond was not a good man, nor a noble one. He had attempted the sin of kinslaying, Lucerys shuddered to think what you must be going through under the man’s unforgiving hand. He hoped his uncle did not steal your eye in return for not being able to take his that fateful night.
He fought against a chill that traveled up his spine at the thoughts that consumed his mind. It was hard to quell the guilt that welled up inside of him, to not feel a sense of responsibility about what happened, if he had just left as soon as he saw Vhagar lingering outside of the Storms End castle he would not have been chased through the skies and you would not have had to intervene.
You would not have been taken, if mayhaps he had just flown a little speedier you would still be here, instead of being held prisoner by usurpers and unhonorless greens.
A sigh escaped from the young prince, perched on the edge of his bed just awaiting sunrise like he did many other nights since your capture. Sleep was a scarcity these days for not just Lucerys but his mother and older brother as well as their cousins.
His fingers fidgeted with the covers underneath him, trying to distract himself from the deafening silence of his chambers, the walls keeping the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffside from seeping inside, which he was grateful for.
The sound of waves, loud and unyielding only reminded him of nearly losing his life between the jaws of Vhagar and truly losing his older sister to Aemond’s clutches.
He briefly wondered if it would be considered too inappropriate to cross the hall and knock upon his betrothed’s chambers, just to check if she had managed to find sleep. It was only the gentlemanly act to do, especially when he, himself, could not fall asleep and perhaps there was a hint of selfish desire to not be alone in the darkness of his chambers.
Lucerys rose to his feet, locating his slippers before he left his chambers, crossing the hall to Rhaena’s bedchambers. He raised his hand, allowing it to hover above the wooden doors and for a moment he hesitated not wanting to risk waking her if she did indeed manage to fall asleep.
Despite that he gently rapped against the thick wood.
Tap Tap Tap.
A painfully silent moment passed before he heard a shuffle and then a quiet muffled voice through the door,
“Enter.”
Lucerys slowly pulled the door open, slipping inside of the girl’s chambers, his gaze immediately landing on his intended, the girl placed on the edge of her bed just like he had been on his own moments ago.
“Apologies, I just wanted to check on you.” He spoke, offering a weak smile to her.
“You need not apologize. I -” Rhaena paused, pursing her lips before she rose to her feet crossing the distance between them, “it is good you are here. I do not wish to be alone.”
Lucerys felt relief flood his mind, glad that he was not disturbing her with his visit. His fingers twitched, desiring to reach out and grasp onto her hand, just to feel her warm touch against his, but he was aware that even being in Rhaena’s chambers this late at night unchaperoned was frowned upon, if he were to reach out and touch her.. that would be quite unseemly.
Instead he linked his fingers together just to be doing something with his hands so he would not be further tempted to hold the girl’s hand.
“I quite dislike being alone these days as well.” He responded, twindling his thumbs together while he spoke.
“It is not as though anyone could blame you considering..” The words were hesitant from the girl, but Lucerys knew what she was referring to, that incident lingered heavily on everyone’s mind.
He nodded in response, his eyes dropping to his hands. The hands that were once drenched in his uncle’s blood years ago, a fact that his uncle had apparently held a grudge on.
Lucerys could not force himself to care about what he had done as a child and now that the man had stolen his sister and butchered her dragon he found himself wishing he had plunged that dagger deeper into Aemond’s skull when he had the chance.
“Luke.” The sound of his betrothed’s comforting voice pulled his gaze up to hers, only then did he realize tears had managed to escape rolling down his cheeks in steady streams. His chest grew tight, throat burned with each breath he managed to inhale.
“I - this is all my fault.” The whispered confession fell from his lips after a time, voice wavering with each gaspy breath,
“if I had just -” His words faltered, dying in his throat.
Truth be told he did not truly want to voice his desire to kill his uncle for would that not make him just as bad as Aemond who had tried to kill him?
“Nothing you could have done would have prevented anything Aemond did.” Rhaena tried to reason or perhaps comfort, but it fell on deaf ears nonetheless.
There was something that he could have done long ago and perhaps there was still something he could do. It was not like anyone would recognize a dark haired boy walking through the streets of King’s Landing and he could wear a disguise.. right?
He knew his mother wouldn’t agree to it nor would his grandsire or Jacaerys or anyone else truly, but he had to try. You saved him, why could he not do the same for you?
“You may be right on that.” Lucerys finally responded after several moments of silence, wiping his tears on the back of his hands, “I should go, leave you to try and get some sleep before the sun rises.”
The young prince offered a smile over to his betrothed before turning to take his leave, but not before casting one more glance over towards her catching the puzzled and concerned expression on the girl’s face before he finally slipped from her chambers.
♡
When the first ray of light hit the castle of King’s Landing you were already awake sitting by your husband’s side as he went over maps and parchments with a critical eye on the table in his chambers.
It was not the first time you have seen the long-haired man mull over parchments such as this, but it was growing dull to not hear him at least speak of plans or strategy. You had not read page after page on books on that matter for him to not engage with you.
You leaned forward towards the map, eyeing the way your husband’s long fingers drift along the name; ‘Storms End.’
“So, what are we planning on Storms End?” You piped up, drumming your fingers against your knees while you awaited his response.
He gave a low hum in response, tapping the tips of his fingers against the placement before adding a, “We are not planning anything.”
You stifled a huff that nearly escaped finding his tone dismissive. You loved your husband, but it was infuriating how he refused to speak about matters of state with you.
You inhaled deeply before attempting again, “Well, is the council then?”
“What is brought forth to the council is none of your concern.”
Despite the calmness of his voice that response served nothing but to irritate you, feeling your jaw clench at his dismissal once again.
“Forgive me for caring what my husband is up to.” The words grumbled from your lips before you turned to glance out of the open pillars of the chambers over the back of the sofa.
You could not help but notice it did not seem too high up, someone could easily jump off and continue running afterwards. You wondered if that was why your husband chose these chambers, so far away from everything else, it did seem to have many ways to escape an attack.
A few moments of silence passed between the two of you before you heard Aemond’s voice again, still calm but with a slight hint of amusement that made you want to storm off,
“Would you like a needle and thread?” He hummed out and you could just hear his lips twitch into a smirk even without looking at him, “It would cure your boredom.”
You fought the urge to roll your eyes, feeling a surge of anger through you that nearly felt dramatic for the situation, but you could not bring yourself to care to stop it.
“What would cure my boredom is none of your concern.” You bite out, keeping your head pointedly turned away from him.
Your fingers drummed against the back of your seat before craning your head over the back off the seat, peering between the wide gaps in the pillars. You wanted to ask if he had ever jumped from the ledge, but your irritation did not allow you to.
“What is spoken about in the small council is not meant to leave the room.” Your husband added after a time and you could see out of the corner of your eye that Aemond had stood up, collecting all of the papers that had been on the table together in one neat pile.
“I did not ask what the plan was, I asked if there was one.” You retorted, turning your head to properly look at him.
Another hum left his lips, his singular eye roaming over your face like he was trying to decipher a puzzle before speaking, “Why would that interest you?”
Your face scrunched up, staring at him silently for several moments more, hoping that he would come to the conclusion on his own.
Was it not obvious? That you merely wanted to share in his life no matter what it was? You were married and a husband and wife should share in each other's interests and lives.
You leaned back in your seat, arms crossed and brows pulled together, a crease forming between them whilst you waited. For a man so knowledgeable he acted like a fool only staring at you as if you were hiding some hidden agenda.
“Has my mother spoken to you?” He inquired, circling around the small table before stopping right in front of you, each step slow and calculated, which you thought was a tad dramatic for the conversation at hand.
You tilted your chin up, craning your neck to make eye contact as he remained standing over your seated form. You felt a shudder creep up your spine, remembering how.. humiliating your last attempt at speaking to the woman was.
You kept your response curt and short, not fond of his attempt to change the subject, “No.”
“Hm.” His low hum was the only sound from either of you for the longest time.
You shifted against the seat, straightening your posture and jutting your chin further up, regardless of a stiffness taking place in the back of your neck. If your husband was content with standing over you wordlessly then you would keep your position up as well.
Time ticked by, the sun that once was barely peeking over the city was now proudly shining in the middle of the sky and still the two of you were silent, staring wordlessly at each other. The back of your neck ached and you were sure your muscles would crackle and pop if you moved your head from its position.
You began to wonder if Aemond truly did not know why you were interested or if he did and was deciding to play the fool. Regardless, your patience began to thin.
“Aegon.” Your husband suddenly spoke, his tone accusatory and you could only blink in confusion.
What did Aegon have to do with anything, but also who was Aegon?
You were sure you had heard that name before, but with all of the people you have heard of that you were still trying to place who they were to you, you might have just let that name slip past you.
“What?” The word was snapped from your lips, the confusion only adding to your waning patience.
You slowly rolled your head side to side and just as you thought, your muscles popped with each movement bringing relief to the stiffness of your neck. It did help your patience now that you did not ache, but the irritation with the one-eyed man remained.
“He spoke to you.” Another response from your husband that caused you to blink.
“What?” You repeated, the words sighed out this time as now you were completely lost in the conversation.
“He did not?” You watched as Aemond’s remaining eye narrowed while he continued to study you, his expression blank and hard to read as he questioned you.
“I do not even know -” You stopped mid sentence, inhaling a sharp intake of air through your nostrils, your frustration nearly boiling over.
“You do not know if he spoke to you?” Aemond had scoffed out and that had been the last straw for you.
You immediately rose from your seat, standing directly in front of the man. Your face heated with anger at his accusations that you were not even sure what they were about, not truly.
“I do not know who Aegon is!” You shouted, shoving your hands against his chest before you could think better of it,
“I do not know anyone or anything in this place, I do not even know you or even my -myself!” Your breath came out in quick bursts the more you screamed, the words tearing from your throat.
Your hands balled tightly into fists still pushing at his chest and he did not stop you, not once. Perhaps he was shocked from your outburst or was forgiving because of your accident, you did not know nor care in the moment.
Your vision blurred, eyes grew hot, each tear that fell from your lashes rolled down your cheeks and the worst of it; you found yourself briefly wanting to ask for your mother.. but who was that? You could not even remember her face or what her name was or how she sounded.
Your gaze dropped to the floor, reminding yourself to take deep breaths to calm yourself.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
You could almost hear a woman’s voice guide you through it, but the voice sounded distant, faint as if your mind could not quite place what she was meant to sound like.
Soon you felt the calloused hand of your husband cup your cheek, tilting your head up to meet his gaze, his gaze that had softened quite a deal than it was before your outburst.
“You know me.” He spoke, his voice a mere whisper, his thumb wiping the tears from your skin, “You know you.”
“I do not.” You shook your head, swallowing back lumps of tears that were begging to escape,
“I do not even know what House I am from or - or who my father or mother are or if they are alive. I do not even remember where or when we met -” Your lower lip quivered, words dying in your throat.
You hated feeling so incomplete, a blank slate like you had no life outside of these chamber walls.
Aemond’s hand shifted to the back of your head, long fingers tangling in your hair before you were pushed forward until your forehead rested against his chest. You could hear the quickened pace of his heart and you could only wonder if you had hurt him in any way with your words.
“I know that it is hard, but your memories will return to you. With time.” His words rumbled through his chest. You knew those words were meant to comfort you, but the prospect of your memories returning to you with time did not comfort you.
You longed for him to tell you how you had met him or anything about your life together before you lost your memories, mayhaps if he did it would help your mind recover faster and yet he offered no explanation.
It felt cruel in a way, like he was more fond of your mind blank than he was of you or.. at least who you were before. The thought of it caused your stomach to clench and squeeze causing spouts of pain to linger within it, pain that you decided to ignore in hopes it would fade.