Forty Six - Instinct
4am February 20th I couldn’t sleep after reading the letter, and then it seemed my feet had carried me to Harry’s door and I didn’t even really realise until I got there.
It was utterly surreal, it was like my mind was a fucking blur until I was there. It was bitterly cold, and I didn’t even have the sense to put on a coat. I didn’t even have shoes to protect me from the cold wet pavement, rain pounding down on my uncovered skin. All I had on was a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. It was when I spotted his house that I kind of came to my senses. It was only then I realised where I was and what I was doing, the state I was in. It was only then I noticed the rain, only then I noticed my sodden hair and the fact my lack of clothes had just become like a second layer of skin. But there was no point turning back at that point, I had made the half an hour walk and there was no point turning around. Pain crippled the bottom of my feet as I made my way across the gravel on Harry’s driveway, wondering what on earth I was thinking and how I had ended up there without even being fully aware of it. A part of me was embarrassed, but then it was clearly what I really wanted. I needed to be there, I needed to see him. My first few knocks on the door were pathetic, my embarrassment clearly showing. I was also quite aware how late it was, finally, and a part of me didn’t really want to wake him. But then my need to be with him took over that, and I pounded on the door a little harder. When I got no response after a while, I thought of ringing him, but obviously my clouded mind had also forgotten my need for a phone. So, I continued to knock. A while passed before I spotted a dazed Harry walking down his stairs through the window, looking at me wide eyed in just his underwear. I could see the worry on his face through the misty windowpane that was splattered with water. It then occurred to me how stupid my being there was, I didn’t even want to think of the panic that would be cursing Harry in that moment as he unlocked the door. He pulled the door open quickly, looking down to me in a way that proved how much of a state I must have looked in that moment. I looked up through my lashes to him, not even sure what to say. “Anna! Holy fuck! Are you okay?” He grabbed hold of me, pulling me inside out of the cold and slamming the door behind us hurriedly. He then bent over so his eyes were level with mine, brushing some of my hair from my face, his eyes flickering over my features with such worry. I was shivering so much, I wanted to speak and say I was fine but I think I was just totally overwhelmed, I just stood staring back at him, still feeling dazed. “Anna? Are you okay?” He asked again. I nodded, and that was all I could give. He seemed confused, which wasn’t surprising given my state. He lowered his brows a little and continued to study me, but he soon calmed, because I think he realised that I really was okay. He took his time though, he looked me up and down and really paid attention to everything about me, making sure I was safe and unhurt. “Let’s get you warmed up.” He eventually mumbled. Before I had the chance to move for myself, Harry had taken me in his arms, grabbing me quickly so that I was cradled in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face to his collar, still shaking. He was strong and warm, and I felt no struggle from him as he carried me up the stairs, breathing calmly as he did. Even though he knew I was safe, I think he was still incredibly concerned about me, I could tell by the way he was attempting to stay so calm, the way he was caring for me and acting as though I had no strength. But to be honest, I think he was right. I sort of needed him in that moment, I needed to be carried and looked after. I’m still unsure why. I was placed back down on top of the toilet seat in his bathroom. I kept my head down, already feeling a little warmer. My skin was bright red and stinging, and I was automatically comforted as soon as I heard Harry turn on the hot water of his shower. I closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in as I did. Harry moved so he was knelt down in front of me, once again looking me over a few times before he began his work. He grabbed at the bottom of my t-shirt and lifted it over my head, leaving my top half completely bare. The material was freezing, it felt like such a relief having it removed from me. Next, Harry removed my leggings, and soon I was naked, still sat on the toilet seat, still silent. He aided me to my feet, taking my hands in his and leading me over to the large shower. I stepped inside wearily, and I couldn’t even comprehend the release that washed me as the warm water replaced the particles of the cold. I breathed it in, stood with my head down, the water hitting hard through my hair as Harry removed his underwear, soon to join me. He stepped inside with me, there being more than enough room for the two of us to share the water. He pressed to my back, locking his arms around my waist and placing his head next to mine, hovering over my shoulder. A beautiful silence was shared between us as the water fell. I loved his cheek touching mine, I loved the feeling of him being held so close to me, how comfortable the silence was and how much I just appreciated being there with him. I had never felt so at home. Since my brother died, I had never really had the feeling of home. Somehow, out of nowhere, Harry was home for me. “I love you.” I whispered. He moved his head slightly, kissing at my neck sweetly, squeezing me a little tighter. It was such a serene moment for me, enchanted by an unfathomable warmth, and smothered with a happiness that felt frightening, but welcomed. “I love you too.” He told me.
He whispered my name to wake me. I grumbled, wriggling under the sheets as I opened my eyes and tried to get used to the light. He was already out of bed and dressed, which took me by surprise right away before I even noticed that his get-up wasn’t the usual casual outfits I’d seen him in. I knew he was going somewhere. Before he could say anything, I quickly threw myself forwards, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him to the bed. He chuckled heartily, landing on top of the sheets above me and holding me back. He kissed kindly at my cheek over and over again, his smile being felt upon my skin. It shocked me how quickly things seemed to have returned to normal, how everything felt so real and perfect again between us, even though there were still so many unanswered questions. His letter had spoken to me and confirmed things. And it’s not that it just resolved issues between us, he helped me battle my own demons, helped me to face things and take steps towards overcoming things that scared me. He had done all that, with a letter. And I loved him so much for it. He tried to pull away but I kept hold of him. “Where are you going?” I moaned. He finally pulled from me, sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. I pulled the duvet closer to me, not planning on leaving its warmth even if Harry wasn’t going to be around. “We have an interview today, I really need to get going.” He smiled slightly. I turned my head to the side to see it was only 8am, meaning we had both had next to no sleep since I banged on his door at such a ridiculous time in the morning. I really didn’t want him to go, I had kind of been expecting a morning of sleepy kisses and soft touches, so I was disappointed learning I wasn’t going to get that. “Do you have to?” I groaned. “Unfortunately, yeah.” He chuckled. “When will you be back?” I asked. “Early afternoon, hopefully.” I moved upright and quickly pushed my lips to his, tangling my fingers in the curls at the back of his head. I had a desperation when it came to Harry, in a way everything felt like it was a fresh new relationship again, like it was the beginning days of a hot, pristine romance, but there was already so much love and trust there. It was the most intense feeling I had ever experienced. As I pulled away I took his lip with me, biting it and then slowly releasing it. Harry tried to talk but just ended up mumbling, clearly heated by our kiss. “Hm, umm. Hmm.” “You okay?” I asked cheekily, biting my bottom lip. “You’ll be the death of me, woman.” I giggled, kissing him again, but not so heated this time round. I loved the fire we shared, that undeniable heat and passion, that just didn’t seem to fade. “I’ll be running home, Honey. Trust me.” He breathed. “Good.” He licked his lips, looking as though he was thinking something over in his head as he glanced downwards. I knew something was on his mind. “You okay?” I asked. “You should watch the interview.” He looked me in the eye. “Um… okay? What time and channel?” “Channel three, half nine.” He nodded. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to watch, I just thought maybe he wanted me to see him at work, since I never really had other than the show I went to see. It was something we’d kept separate from our relationship as much as we could. So of course I agreed, of course I wanted to show an interest in what he did for a living, what he loved doing. He moved in and kissed me again, this time sweetly, a nice little goodbye kiss. “I’ll see you soon.” He smiled.
For some reason, I had come to the decision that 9.30am was the perfect time to start tucking into a tub of ice-cream. I sat with a duvet covering me on the sofa, looking ahead to the TV as they introduced the boys in a typical manner, showing lots of footage of screaming fans, and clips of them getting bigger and better whilst mentioning all the records they had broken and suchlike. I was quite excited, sat with a spoon dangling from my mouth as I swayed along with Best Song Ever which was playing in the background of their introduction. At first, I wondered why I hadn’t really watched any of his interviews or anything before, then I realised it was because I never saw him like that. He was always just Harry, some boy I had met and then started sleeping with. That’s just how I saw him. If it wasn’t for this whole fucked up situation with his management, I think a lot of the time it would be possible I would just totally forget his actual situation. He was just Harry. Maybe that was one of the reasons I felt like I could start things with him again, even though his fame and his job was one of the reasons we’d had to part in the first place. The introduction ended and then there they were, the five boys all sat in a line, smiling towards the woman interviewing them. I cheered to myself, pumping my fist in the air for them. They all looked really happy, which I liked. It felt absolutely surreal seeing them on a screen, that wasn’t how I had got to know the boys at all. I also liked that I could just tell right away that they had to behave themselves. They were a bit gritty in real life, all of them. Seeing them on morning TV all groomed and acting proper amused me. I sat eating away at the tub as the interview began, which first focused on their recent success at The Brits, and the fact they had been getting much more positive feedback from their recent work, and it was all going really nicely. Then of course, they moved onto personal question, because they were apparently more important than what the boys actually did for a living and why they were famous. Apparently who they were dating is more important than that. I rolled my eyes as they asked Zayn about Perrie and the wedding. He told them it was just around the corner, but he wasn’t giving them any more information than that. Zayn was quite a private chap, and I could just see in his eyes he didn’t appreciate them trying to force facts from him. But he stood his ground. “Good lad.” I muttered to myself. Next was Liam, who was slightly more open, but still not too much. Then Louis, who gave them absolutely fuck all, there was no point even trying. Niall just bounced off the question, he had nothing to say about the matter, still single and loving it. And then... Harry. I couldn’t understand why there seemed to be more of an interest in Harry when it came to the band, why the media had such a weird fascination with him and why his life was so interesting to them. But it was. My stomach dropped a bit as they finished asking Niall, and I knew what was coming. “And finally Harry. How are things going with Grace?” The woman asked him. So that was the name I had blocked from my mind. Harry leaned forward, almost like he was preparing himself. Shit. “What do you mean?” He asked mellowly. “Your girlfriend? Grace?” She asked him, seemingly confused. “Oh. She’s not my girlfriend.” He said firmly, shrugging it off. The rest of the boys faces just dropped, and so did mine. I placed the tub down on the floor and leaned in closer to the tele, my mouth dropped and my eyes wide as I watched Harry sit there and just smile to the woman, like he hadn’t said anything even remotely worth noting down. Louis pinched at the bridge of his nose, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of how hard management tried to control their lives and what they said, but they could never control their bodies automatic reactions to things. That was something we could all see, and very clearly. ”Oh, I’m sorry.” She flicked through her notes frantically. “We-we thought you guys were an item?” “No, we’re not. That’s an exclusive there for you, if anyone cares.” He shrugged. The topic ended as quickly as that, the interviewer trying to brush past the moment as quickly as she could. I had no idea what to think, all that kept playing in my mind was how much management were going to kill him, but what could they do? He had just said it on live TV, there was no going back. I also couldn’t help but question what Grace would make of the whole thing, if he’d spoken to her, or if this would be a shock to her like it was to everyone else. All I knew was that Harry had just made a very risky move doing what he did. But fuck, it made me smile.
Thanks to Harry’s outburst, it was actually early evening before he got home. I had spent the day being a complete bag of nerves, wondering what could possibly be happening, what they would be saying to him, what the consequences of his actions would be. I thought about all the things he had told me, what they had threatened him with before, and I was just praying they hadn’t decided to go ahead with any of those actions. It had reached the stage where I was pacing up and down in his kitchen, becoming increasingly worried about him by the second. It felt so unnatural that the people in charge of his life could put me so on edge. I hated it. They were supposed to be trustworthy and kind, but they were totally the opposite, and we were both more than aware of that. I wondered what had crossed Harry’s mind that made him do that, I knew it would partly be for my benefit and to make me smile and to put me at ease, but then at the same time it was apparent he hadn’t thought it through enough. It was just past six when I heard the door opening. I ran into the hall, seeing Harry taking off his coat and removing his shoes by the door. “Hi, gorgeous.” He smiled cheerily. “What were you thinking?” I almost yelled. He began laughing, and I think I calmed almost immediately that maybe I didn’t have too much to worry about, he didn’t seem upset at all. “So you watched?” He grinned. “What did they say?” I neared him, still panicked but he just took just leapt to me, picking me up for some reason. I wrapped my legs around his hips and looked to him, completely dazed as he kissed me for a moment, smiling to my lips. “Harry?” “They hate me.” He giggled. “They really fucking hate me.” He began wandering through the hall, heading towards the kitchen and living room area at the back of the house, but I just kept my eyes fixed on his. “What did they say?” “They said I should warn them if I’m going to do anything like that, and they said that they are going to release a story about me cheating on her, just to keep up the lovely image they feel the need to give me.” “What about her? What about Grace?” “I ended things the day after The Brits. So… it’s fine. I explained things to her so… it’s fine. She’s fine.” I furrowed my brows, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He was such a kind soul, such a nice person and for some reason the people who were trying to make money off him wanted the world to think he wasn’t. It didn’t really make much sense to me. “Are you okay?” I asked sadly. He collapsed onto the sofa with me underneath him as he buried himself into my neck and kissed me, and he just seemed to totally unfazed by it. He ignored my question, he just traced my neck with his lips. I couldn’t help but sigh out my pleasure, closing my eyes and pushing up my hips just slightly. But I didn’t want to let him just get past the moment. “Harry, please.” I whispered breathlessly. He brought his face back round to me, breathing in heavily. He really didn’t want to talk about it, even though he was seemingly happy, I think that was because he hadn’t thought too much into the matter. “I don’t give a fuck what they say about me, Anna. I don’t care! I don’t wanna think of the consequences, I wanna focus on me and you. And that’s all that matters to me right now. Okay?” He said firmly. I brushed over his cheek with the back of my fingers, smiling at him with sympathy. I knew he was telling the truth though, Harry couldn’t care less about rumours, he had found a way of dealing with it. He had once told me to kill them with kindness, and he once told me that I was strong enough to deal with things. He knew how to cope within himself, but it didn’t mean it was a nice thing to have to deal with. ”Anyway,” He began again. “Every day is one day closer to when that contract ends. And I won’t be signing another one. Not with them.” I pressed my lips to his gently, running my hand through his hair. He grumbled to my lips and pushed his hips down, automatically heating me. He could turn me on so easily, the slightest movement called to my body and no matter how many times I was with him, I still couldn’t grow accustom to the things he could do to me. He bit at my lip gently before he moved down to my neck again, swirling his hips to my groin. I concentrated my gaze on his strong arms, which were either side of me, tensed as he held his body floating atop mine. I looked to the heart tattoo on his sleeve, seeing it move slightly above his muscles. After my healthy eyeful of the art I closed my eyes and rolled my head back, humming to his touches. We quickly removed our clothes, and soon I found myself straddling Harry’s lap as he sat upright on the sofa. I moved myself against him, teasing his hard member, brushing up against him with care. He felt beautiful beneath me as he placed gentle patters to my chest, his hands gripped to the side of my body. “Fuck me, Honey.” Harry demanded. He took hold of himself, and I lowered myself down. He entered with ease, stretching me, filling me in a way I always found myself longing for. I gasped out the word fuck, which caused a beautiful grin to lighten Harry’s lips, nuzzling his nose against the skin of my chest as he smiled. His grip on my tightened, I imagined the skin beneath his fingertips was white as he held me, helping me work him, lifting my body up and down as I ground my hips to him. He moved his mouth and took my nipple between his lips, sucking beautifully on the tender spot, occasionally flicking his tongue to me. I took my bottom lip and gripped it between my teeth, almost feeling too pleasured as his mouth tended to the nub. Harry oozed sex. He always had. He had such a sense about him, every move he made was sexual, every touch and every breath was hot and sensual. He was irresistible. There was a minor part of me that hated the thought that other women had enjoyed his touched, they had seen him in that state before, they had felt his strong grip and felt the power of his beautiful thrusts. I hated that others had seen how raw and sexual he was, because that was an aspect of him that I wanted to own, I wanted it to be mine. But I did know that he had never held someone with quite as much strength as he held me, he had never looked at someone or kissed someone the way he did me. That was mine, entirely. And I loved that. I released light juices onto him, gasping out into the room as I did. Harry grunted in pleasure, and he sounded so incredibly manly as he did. Everything about him turned me on. “I want to taste what you’ve just given me.” He breathed. His words. I was totally captured by his words. It was the way he vocalised his thoughts. What I had just given him. Like it was for him, the fact that I came was for him. He was the one getting pleasure from it, he was the one seeing me unravel, therefore it was his just as much as it was mine. I fucking loved that. I moved up so he fell from me, before laying flat on my back across the settee. Harry positioned himself between my legs, kissing down my stomach as he neared my core, taking his time, teasing me. I had already found my fingers tangled in his hair. Soon enough, his tongue brushed me. A gassy moan left my lips automatically as he got what he wanted, tasting what he had made me release. He continued to move his tongue up and down, taking all of it into his mouth, making sure he didn’t miss a spot. When he was done with my release, he moved his tongue to my clit, and began his speedy work, making my body squirm uncontrollably as I enjoyed his expertise. He gripped onto my hips, having to hold me down so I couldn’t completely lose my control. He really needed to hold me there, I couldn’t control my hips as they swerved around, almost like I was trying to avoid his exploring taste, though I never wanted him to stop. “Fuck, Harry...” I gasped. His moved his mouth lower, forcing his tongue inside me as he let two of his fingers work my clit, rubbing over it with a hard speed as his tongue made love to my inner walls. My hands were now running through my own hair, gripping onto it as my back arched as I struggled to take his pleasures. But it soon came to an end. I came once again, leaving Harry to lap up my love as my body calmed, becoming almost numb under his ridiculously hot touch. Eventually he finished, lifting back up to me. Without warning he forced himself inside, not even giving me the chance to calm as he pushed deep into me with an insane power. I screamed out, my body jolting forward for a second, my face skewered. Harry took his hand and pushed on my chest, making sure my back was flat down again as he began thrusting into me so quickly, so perfectly. He was totally in control. Sweat-beads formed on his chest as he worked, and all I could do was remain a shivering mess beneath the powerful man, who stared down to my with nothing but heat and love locked in his shimmering dark eyes and his plump lips. “You’re mine, Honey.” He grunted. He gripped onto the top of my hips and began pulling me towards him in time with his thrusts, and I was in another realm, totally enthralled and captured by his strength and how harsh he was being. “Cum on me.” I gasped. Once again, my mouth had projected a request I wasn’t even aware I wanted, but I did. I wanted to feel his warmth somewhere other than my insides, I wanted to see his relief not only wash over his face, but wash over me. Harry cursed, performing his final few thrusts before he removed himself from me, and the white, warm liquid spurted onto my stomach. I loved how it felt, I loved seeing him weak, I loved that even though it may have seemed like he had all the power in that moment, I actually felt so powerful myself. His juices lined my stomach, they were there because of me, we were sharing each other so much. It really felt like he was mine in that moment, and the warmth in my stomach increased thanks to the warmth upon it. Harry tried not to completely collapse, he used all his available strength not to fall on top of me as his dazed mind shivering above me. As soon as he found himself even slightly, he looked down to my marked body, mouth slightly agape. “Fuck you’re sexy.” He gasped. I licked my lips, looking back to him. He moved, taking two fingers and cupping some of his cum. He moved down to me, supporting all his weight to float above my body with just one arm. His face hovered dangerously close to mine as we stared into one another’s eyes, still lost in the hot sexual feeling. He moved the two fingers to my lips, and I quickly took them into my mouth, still looking him in the eye as I seductively sucked on him, tasting him, seeing him enjoy my actions. He watched me like I was a Goddess, loving every second of my tongue against his fingers. Once I had swallowed, he removed his fingers from my mouth, still looking to me. “I love you. So fucking much.” He grunted.