#anatumblogs

[anaparamo]

the saddest thought i've had here is this feeling of wanting to go back home but knowing that what i'm actually going back to is not really that home i have in mind

[anaparamo]

what a difference the audience makes. i never realized until today. i went to see some shorts in a lgbt film festival and aside from that fact in itself, which already guaranteed a high number of queer/lgbt people in the audience, there were a few times you could just tell we were majority because of when, and at what, we laughed. sure, many -even most- of the laughs were "universal", stuff anyone can appreciate, but i got this feeling at least one or two points... and that's when i realized that every other time i'd seen a film, even lgbt films in similar situations, the audience had always been mostly cis-het (or at least without so many people evidently in on what turned out to be a sort of inside joke). and i think that had an impact in the way i experienced the rest of the evening. i mean, it's not the first time i watch lgbt films in a cinema, but that feeling of looking at it from the same perspective as the rest of the room? that was definitely new.

[anaparamo]

so I'm now at that stage where I'm making progress, but I procrastinated so much that I can't even enjoy it

[anaparamo]

so I was from 8:30 to 13 in the library and then working from 14 to 22:30 how is it that I STILL managed to not be productive? I think I've discovered my superpower

[anaparamo]

I'm having one of those days when it feels like my head is going to explode from new knowledge. Which is to say, a good kind of head-explosion. Through a combination of effort and luck, I'm having a so many amazing experiences and a pretty good education. I'm really thankful for that. But I keep in mind that the better my education, the more opportunities I enjoy, the greater my responsability to others.

[anaparamo]

I used to believe I was good with words. I know I am good with languages -maybe that was always only because there are rules, and it's a system, a structure you can learn (at least in most languages I've learned). Many people still tell me I'm good at expressing myself, but as of a few years ago, I've begun to doubt this very much. I notice I have this problem I mentioned before about getting ideas across properly. It's incredibly difficult to find the words to explain what I mean. I'm terribly nervous before starting a conversation. Mostly in written, online. I think mostly just because the speed of face to face interaction makes it so that I don't have time to dwell on these things -but even then it still happens, specially when discussing things I truly care about. Many times I just give up. There are interesting topics I'd like to discuss here but I can't. Or even just start a conversation, sometimes.

I wonder if this could be something that developed with time. Was it always like this and I just didn't notice or is it a new thing? Or maybe my usual social anxiety has just found a new way to present itself. I wish I had afew more certainties about this. Most of this post is questions and 'I think' and 'maybe' and speculation.

[anaparamo]

[anaparamo]

People say, "mother" and "mothers" and there is so much meaning behind that word. All the associations it invokes are for me mostly artificial. Instead, for me, the reality of that ideal parent belongs to "father". But it's been years, and I have learned to live in a world that will never be as safe, as full as it used to be -a world where love can never again be that unconditional, that steadfast.