#ancient journal

[emetoselk]

Fucking Christ.

Fan animations do more work than actual source and canon to convey what I have been trying to put together for a bit.

This fan animation from Ho Yo Fair was well-executed in both animation and storytelling. Overall, without inserting my personal feelings into it just yet, I believe it stands on par with the other fan animation for Colum/Bina. (before writing this, I realized it is by the same creator. No wonder.)

I kept coming across clips of it everywhere, so I decided to take the time to watch it, and now I find myself feeling deeply affected.

"Every day, I am drowning in a sea of people. Afraid of being buried at the bottom, I crawl towards the surface at the expense of those around me. But there is no relief; no reward in casting off my shackles; only deafening silence, and the promise of another day of endless monotony. My ambition, my life's work, my pursuit of the sublime, has all meant nothing.

And knowing this, I am content." Hit me.

"Knowing this, I am content."

This is, honestly, the most human past life I have attempted to explore in quite some time. I believe that at the core of it all, I was and still am just a man who is afraid of being nothing and hitting rock bottom in a broken system. My entire existence depends on my own achievements and successes to provide me with anything. I started with an empty hand and working my way up for something that I would call a stable life. < This feeling mirrors my current reality completely. I used to think my present self had to be entirely far removed from my past to be unique, however, that is foolish because I constantly connect my past lives; why try to separate that? Resonates still resonates. Wearing masks/masking will always be of familiarity to me. In a metaphorical sense, nonhuman or not, I will always put up my disguises to cope with life in any way possible.

Throughout many of my lives, I was forced into human roles or to play by humanity's rules and structures before moving on to other goals I had planned. For this one, Pan/ta/lone, I was born human (as far as I can say or explain now). The elements that gradually twisted me into something else pulled me into the Harbingers, and as I was taken apart and replaced, ended up as a humanized version of the Ship of Theseus by the Doctor. Of course, the animation doesn't truly show all the parts I want to go through with the world and the true nature of things compared to canon. I feel that it unnerved me in certain ways how close I was in general, overall. The villain part; again that seems to be a pattern is "Am I truly evil for what I am doing for survival? Is it so wrong of me to want to flip the tides of fate for my own selfishness? For a better future?" Can't help to add the quote coming to mind; "I just want to live, is that so wrong?"

[emetoselk]

It seems like I get lost in the same ways every time. A location or individual that holds a special place in my heart and resonates with my soul. Been writing down things or trying to be more active in my discoveries. As always the yearning and depression hit in different ways. I hate it, I feel stupid for missing things that should not matter to me anymore yet, it bothers me. But, I don't know. I am sleep-deprived as hell, I have been in a weird mindset recently. I think a lot of things are mixing making looking into things harder when I am getting new feelings coming up mixing with current feelings I am dealing with. With my tendency for burning myself the fuck out. I feel strange when I consider connections because I've always been the type of person who would rather be in the background of other people's lives. I am nothing special.

I prefer to be vaguely in others lives. As the apparition I think of myself to be.

I think a full mix of things is eating me alive right now.

[emetoselk]

Being nonhuman really begins to feel more draining the more I live this life. I admit I do have my own issues that stop me from living the way I 'should' but, when it comes down to it, there is no true way to live life. I have been trying to figure out a way to balance human life and nonhuman-ness to the best of my ability. It shouldn't be this hard; it really shouldn't. For someone like me, I have lived my entire life feeling like the odd one out. It's challenging to express my feelings without sounding like a misanthrope, but it is difficult! I find it hard to articulate my emotions because I have never had that humanness to reference. According to the definition, one must hate humanity in some way, which I don't. I suppose that makes me a step short of being an actual misanthrope. (In my mind, I have to count as human to even qualify for that, but... /shrug.) However, this isn't about misanthropy. This is more about trying to understand my thoughts and feelings while navigating a world where I feel so different. I won't lie; I feel envious of those who can live like humans. I already struggle with regulating how empathy and compassion work. Within myself, I do not process the usual means of expressing these feelings as most would expect. Do I care? Sure! It is not simple or something I can easily demonstrate. I may come off as distant and uninterested, but I can care selectively for those I genuinely love or care about. I view myself as akin to an animal forced into domestication, in contrast to one that has been domesticated and learned how to thrive. I yearn for a life that feels just out of reach, compelling me to struggle for a way to exist in a world that feels foreign, even after three decades of living. I feel incredibly burnt out, I have since I was young and even now. I feel tired of keeping up. I have grown quiet and solitary now that I have the means to do so. I am expressing all of this because I have lost the spaces where I feel welcomed, to be honest. I am sure I am not alone, but I have been feeling it acutely; it can be lonely at times. I am not trying to fish for pity or for someone else to care. Honestly, I do not even care if others do not care about me in the slightest! I just wish I could rid myself of these thoughts and stop feeling anxious about never belonging anywhere. There is no home for me except what I make of it. It feels more like survival instinct and coping through life at this point.

[emetoselk]

I did have that dream again, returning to the aetherial sea.

Something about seeing it again always gives me some sense of comfort.

The way it comes to me is always a strange liminal space with an endless sea. It's grey, void, and the water is transparent. The sand is completely white; if it is even sand, I haven't really found out yet.

I stand in that dream staring into it. Sometimes I see others in the far-off distance, but I doubt I know them. Nothing ever has approached me.

Not sure why I never attempted myself... Maybe I'd rather give those souls some space.

[emetoselk]

I cannot help but think how difficult it must be to try to find one's way around being nonhuman in today's online ecosystem. How quickly the tides turned, shifting from one thing to the next. Things shifted without most even knowing what they were before.

Meaning has been lost, distorted into whatever anyone wishes it to be. What began as an effort to be open-armed and welcoming instead cast out many who truly belonged. It alienated them instead.

New terms and names for things that muddied the waters further. Coining words used to mean something, and they were thoughtful, and often universally helpful. Now, it feels like anyone can create a trendy new term, only for it to be forgotten months later.

These days, I never know if the people I speak to even share the same baseline. I can’t tell who understands me on the same level as I am used to.

As someone speaking from the fickin spiritual area. I feel that spaces have been absolutely decimated. I used to love the community, I used to love being part of it. Writing about my own experiences, sharing posts that resonated with others. That enjoyment is gone, and so is my hope for it. Still, I’ll continue living as I have been, in the small corners I’ve made for myself with the few who still share the same core beliefs. I will grieve for what once was. But I’ll continue on, in my own strange, weirdness unapologetically.

[emetoselk]

Been awhile since I had a Garle dream.

I don't think anything too important happened. Was either in the field testing new tek or was in the field for war.

[emetoselk]

This song and this song. First one— hell yeah new song from one of my favorite arrangement artists but also, covering one of my hearted-types that I feel heavily about.

The second one is another favorite of mine that also brings in the whole reason for it all.

Love them both but gods damn, do they bring inner suffering to me.

There was a several times in me that I did not wish for destruction or suffering onto humanity. It honestly broke when I lost one of my sons and then I felt no more remorse or sympathy no more. I could not bare the pain of a world where the one shred of light I had in me died so fast and instantly.

[emetoselk]

Okay attempting to put things into words or... ramble.

Primals are known to temper with people, mind, body, and soul. They can erode the mind and soul— they sustain themselves with it, the more the corruption flows, the more they can continue to live and exist. Some are more susceptible to it, some others are not. The amount of condensed aether someone has within themselves sort of gives a chance to have some chances of overpowering it... In most cases, it will drive an average, low aether condensed being mad.

In the past, Asciaens— beings like myself had a higher concentration of aether. Our entire existence consisted of pure aetheric energy, allowing us to easily connect with the force of life and even change our forms. We were not confined by physical bodies. To put it simply, we were akin to liquids. Our true form was mostly masses of magical energy or aether.

This pertains to a lot of my strange, monster-like behavior but what always felt off from being an Ancient to Asciaen.

The transformation caused by the corruption of Primals had a significant impact on everything. The combination of enduring trauma and madness from years of being unable to die truly alters a person. However, my focus is on explaining the corruption aspect.

Even though I used to be considered a regular sorcerer, Zodi's influence transformed me and my comrades, both mentally and physically.

There is a reason I prefer to be called or seen as an Asciaen than an Ancient or other, because being an Asciaen was its own thing. After a while, we developed strange and unique traits like being more shadow-like, monstrous beings. Sure, we were still sort of the same civil scholars we once were... There was something about the corruption (from my perspective, anyhow) that caused me to develop strange, feral-like instincts.

It was a very slow process, it wasn't some instant process. If anyone knew before creating him I really doubted that we would have gone with the plan of creating him.

I had severe bloodlust, there was some reason for most of my actions, not very excusable but... what can you do? Did not help that I saw humanity as mere animals, I practically saw them as little prey animals. Animals to the slaughter and whatnot. My race already had a horrible way of looking at our creations to begin with... not all of us but, for the most part... everything was just science experiments. Things we could mold and bend to our will and disregard whenever we thought it was flawed or had no use.

We were basically gods, we played god.

Funny enough, I was one of the few who had my head on straight for the most part and was very self-aware of my corruption. Compared to people like Laha that basically snapped at the first given choice. (To be fair, I did not think Laha was even well to begin with. He already had some deep-set issues.) Others that reincarnated already, I already expected issues.

Insanity played a significant role, but Zodi completely reconstructed us into entirely new beings. We were permanently altered after the calamity, and I still don't feel the same now. I firmly believe that I am separate from who I used to be. The H/des from back then are not the same as the H/des now. I have my memories, but I am fully aware that my entire being has undergone permanent change.