Broken Steel
Kara is having panic attacks and is determined to find out who’s causing them. Almost 3k. Kara really just needs a hug and therapy. 💛
https://archiveofourown.org/works/27130801
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"Oh no," Kara whispered as the door locked behind her. "It's okay. You'll be okay," she mumbled to herself.
Kara took a deep breath and focused on the reason she went into the supply closet in the first place. She fumbled around for the ream of printer paper until she finally found it hiding behind the toner.
"Gotcha! Now to get out of here."
Kara turned around to open the door, but the handle wouldn't budge.
"Shoot."
Kara jiggled it and pulled on it but nothing worked. She'd blown her powers out, so she couldn't 'accidentally' break the door. She just had to sit and wait for someone to find her.
"Okay Kara. You can do this. Just breathe. Focus on what Harley taught you."
Kara took a deep, diaphragmatic breath in, held it for seven counts, and let it out for eight. She repeated it over and over, but the panic still rose within her.
At somepoint she ended up on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest. The walls were closing in, and it felt like she would be stuck there forever.
"No Kara. You're not in the pod. It'll be okay. Just breathe." Kara squeezed her head tight, begging her mind to focus on something, anything else.
"Come on Kara. You should be over this. You're the Girl of Steel, and you can't handle a closet?" Kara chastised. She dug her finger nails into her temporarily human skin.
Tears were threatening to fall when the door opened behind her.
"Kara!" Winn exclaimed. "Are you okay?"
He reached out his hand and helped her up. Kara brushed off her skirt and wiped her eyes.
"Huh? Oh I'm fine," Kara lied. "Just had a little trouble with the door. Someone she really fix that."
Kara walked off without saying another word. She didn't go back for the paper.
***
The elevator ride that night after work was the longest of Kara's life. She fiddled with the end of her shirt and rubbed her hands together. If she had her powers she would've just flown home, but she couldn't. And after having to walk everywhere all day, Kara was too exhausted to take 15 flights of stairs. Although right now, she was beginning to rethink it.
When the elevator dinged and the doors finally opened, Kara tore out of there. She ran into the empty street and enjoyed the open air. Despite how exhausted she was, Kara walked all the way home.
***
'What's going on? Why can't I move?' Kara thought to herself as she opened her eyes to total darkness. She felt like she was floating; she felt sick to her stomach.
'Not this again,' she grumbled. 'Alright. Breathe. You can do this.'
Kara maintained steady breathing as she drifted aimlessly through space. A bright light appeared in the corner of her eye. She turned her head. Suddenly she could see every detail in high definition.
'I'm- I'm in the pod? As an adult. Wait what was that flash? Where am I? Why can't I move!'
Kara's breath picked up and she whipped her head around, only adding to her nausea. She located a familiar white moon and a bright yellow sun.
'NOOOO!' Kara screamed as she watched her planet explode for a second time. Tears streamed down her face as she mourned the loss of her new home: Earth.
***
Kara woke up hyperventilating, her body covered in sweat. She looked around and realized she was in her room, on Earth.
'It was just a dream. Well, a nightmare,' Kara thought to herself.
She flung what's left of the covers off the bed and sat up. She stretched and accidentally got a whiff of her fresh sweat.
'Guess I'm gonna shower now.'
Kara got up and headed to the bathroom. She stopped in the doorway, staring at the small room.
'It's okay. You can do this. You're not in the pod. You're not in the closet. You can leave whenever you want.'
Kara took a deep breath and stepped into the bathroom. She left the door open.
***
Kara spent the whole day ready to fly through a wall at a moments notice. She nearly punched Winn when he came up and tapped her on the shoulder.
'Get it together Kara,' she chastised herself. 'You aren't under attack. Relax dammit!'
Kara took a few deep breaths and broke the mouse in her hand.
'Dang it.'
Kara looked around the office to see if she could get some intern to get a new mouse for her; it was empty.
'Okay. Guess this is a job for Supergirl.'
Kara tried to laugh at her bad joke, but it didn't help. She made her way to the supply closet and stood at its door.
'It's just a closet Kara. Prop the door open. Find the mouse. Get out. You've done it a hundred times. You can do it again.'
Kara just stood staring at the open door. She focused only on her breathing, blocking out all other sounds.
"Whatcha staring at?" Nia asked.
Kara jumped a foot in the air and nearly fell over.
"Nia!" Kara shouted. "Don't. Scare me like that."
Kara struggled to regain her breath.
"Sorry?"
Nia looked at Kara and asked "are you okay?" She then whispered "I thought you had super hearing."
"I do!" Kara replied, louder than necessary. "I was just- focused on something else."
"Alright..." Nia looked at her again but brushed it off. "So what were you staring at?"
"Oh. Right. I was.... Looking for a mouse! For my computer. Oh I just remembered I have to do something," Kara lied. "Would you do me a favor and get me one?"
Nia looked at Kara's trembling hands, but didn't push it.
"Sure. Go do your thing and I'll have the mouse waiting on your desk."
"Thank you Nia! You're the best."
Kara gave Nia a tight hug before dashing off.
'Time to go check on an old friend.'
***
Kara landed outside the DEO and marched her way to her 'old friend'.
"How are you doing it?" Kara asked as she slammed on the wall.
"Well isn't it my luck. The birdy has decided to visit the cat."
"Answer me!" Kara demanded. The glass started to crack.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Psi shouted.
"How did you get in my head? How come I feel this fear in every bone in my body? What did you do to me!"
"Nothing silly bird." Psi backed away from the glass and sat on the bench. "I haven't been able to do anything since you put this stupid lock on me. Not to mention the 24/7 surveillance keeping me from escaping."
Kara's eye twitched and she clenched her fist.
"It sounds to me like the birdy has some problems she can't solve. Sad how easy it is to break the Girl of Steel."
Kara punched the glass; it almost broke. "You better not be behind this," she threatened. "And you better pray I find the person behind this!" Kara shouted as she walked out the room, her hand twitching.
'Dammit,' Kara muttered as she rubbed her sore hand. 'I really thought she was behind this. shirt! It's game night.'
Kara flew out the window to get her apartment ready for her friends.
***
"Damn Kara. I can't believe you won again!" Lena exclaimed, gently punching her shoulder.
"Don't feel bad. No one has dethroned this queen in quite some time," Kara boasted, making broad royal gestures.
"I remember when you first came to Earth and didn't know what uno was. I miss that."
Kara shot Alex a glare and Alex stuck her tongue out.
"Has anyone thought about Kara using her x-ray vision?" Lena piped in.
The group collectively turned and stared at her. Kara's eyes flashed red.
"I'm just saying, she doesn't have her glasses on. They're leadlined, right?"
"Yes I do believe that Lena is correct." Brainy turned and stared at Kara.
"Fine." Kara swung around and put her glasses on. "You want to test it? Let's go. Rematch. Glasses, on."
The room was dead silent, everyone waiting for Lena's response.
"Deal. Get ready to lose, Kara Zor-el."
"It's on, Lena Luthor."
The rest of the room joined in the next game, but no one was surprised it was down to Lena and Kara.
"Uno," Lena flirted. She held up her card for everyone to see.
Kara didn't respond. She placed a plus 4, which made the room gasp. Lena grumbled as she drew four more cards.
"Red."
Lena grumbled again.
Kara slowly got through her hand until only 2 cards remained. Lena placed down a card and smirked.
"Uno!" Kara called out, beating Lena to it. Lena drew four cards.
"Do you want to keep going? Or will you just admit defeat and bow down to your Queen." Kara made another regal gesture with her hands, being very careful to keep her cards hidden.
"Never," Lena snarled.
Kara placed down a card.
"Uno." She mocked Lena's move from merely a few minutes ago. Kara prayed no one could see her sweating.
"fork," Lena mumbled, placing down a red 5.
Kara smirked. She placed down a blue 5.
"I win," Kara boasted. "Still think I cheated?" Kara asked as she played with the glasses sitting on her face.
"No," Lena mumbled. She was in full pout.
"Face it Lena," Kara started as she walked over to where Lena sat. "No one can dethrone the queen."
Lena looked up into Kara's eyes and Kara felt heat rise to her face. Her hands started to sweat, for a different reason than before. Kara knew she was blushing.
"Alright!" Alex shouted. "Let's play a different game."
Kara looked to Alex and gave her a silent thanks.
Kara scurried away from Lena and Winn pulled out a different game. Kara wasn't paying attention to his choice; she was stuck in her thoughts.
'Why did Lena think I was cheating? Does she not trust me? Does everyone else think that? And why was I blushing?'
"Are you okay with what Winn chose, Kara?" Nia asked.
"Huh? Yea. That's fine."
Kara glanced around as everyone started picking their pieces.
'Of course he'd choose monopoly. He insists on playing it everytime. Even though he always gets out first.'
Kara rubbed her arm slowly as the game started. She rolled the dice and went through the motions, using her standard tactic of buy everything she lands on. She took some deep breaths, but nothing seemed to help her calm down.
"Hey," Kara interjected. "Is anyone else hot?"
She looked around at the sea of shaking heads.
'Oh. So it's just me. Get it together idiot. It's just game night. There's nothing to be on edge about.'
Kara continued playing. She nearly broke the table when she landed in jail for the third time in a row.
"Oh come on!" Kara shouted as she slammed her piece on the corner spot.
"Kara, are you okay?" Lena asked.
"I'm fine. Go enjoy boardwalk and probably win this stupid game."
"Kara. What's wrong?" Kelly asked, taking note of the unusual behavior.
"I said I'm fine!" Kara yelled. She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them tight.
The game continued.
'Dammit Kara. Get it together. They're just worried about you. Why are you upset? Why are you attacking your friends? They just want to help.'
"I'm gonna go get a drink. I'll be right back." Kara stood up and left the table, not waiting for a response.
"Can you grab me a coke!" James shouted.
"Uh, sure!" Kara replied from inside the fridge.
'This is nice. I could just stay here for a while.' Kara rummaged through the fridge for James's coke. She found one burried deep in the back and pulled it out. She walked back to the table.
"Here ya go," Kara said as she handed James the coke.
"Thanks." He grabbed it and set it on the table. "Weren't you going to get something?" James asked.
"Huh?" Kara mumbled as she sat down. "Oh... I uh, changed my mind?"
No one questioned it.
"Your turn." Nia handed Kara the dice.
"Finally!" Kara shouted. She rolled doubles.
The game continued without a hitch, until Kara landed on boardwalk.
"Oh come on!" Kara exclaimed. "It can't possibly be that much!"
"3 houses Kara. Fork it over." Lena held out her hand for the money.
"Alright alright. Just give me a second."
Kara felt everyone's eyes fixed on her as she rummaged about for her money. The room was silent. Everyone was waiting on her.
'Come on Kara. Hurry up. Just admit you don't have enough and forfeit.'
Kara's hands started to shake.
'No, it'll be fine. I just, need a minute to think.'
'They're all waiting on you. Your slowing down game night. Just end it. They don't want to be with you anyways.'
'That's, that's not true.'
Kara's breathing sped up.
'Yes it is. You know it is. They're just pitying you. The poor little alien with nowhere else to go. They don't want to be with you. They don't like you. Who would possibly want to hang out with a lost alien who's parents didn't even want her.'
"Stop it!" Kara shouted. She brought her hands up to her head and started rocking back and forth.
The room started to spin. She could hear every little beep of a microwave, every pet scratching at a door, every scream from her dying planet.
"Make it stop. Please. Everyone just stop."
Tears streamed down Kara's face. She continued rocking and pushing her hands into her head, trying to stop the noise.
"shirt." Alex ran to Kara's room without another word.
"Kara are you okay?"
"Try to take some deep breaths."
"You're safe here."
"It's okay Kara. Breathe."
Kara continued rocking back and forth. Her thoughts swirled about in her head, one insult after another.
"Everyone stop," Alex stated as she ran out of Kara's room. She was holding something in her hand.
Alex knelt down next to Kara and held up the earmuffs. She slowly pulled Kara's hands away from her head; Kara didn't resist. Alex slid the muffs over Kara's ears and pulled her sister into a tight hug.
'It stopped. Why did it stop? What's going on?'
Kara took a slow, deep breath, and let herself be hugged by Alex.
'Oh.'
Kara's tears slowly stopped falling as Alex rubbed small circles into her back, never letting go. Kara eventually opened her eyes and spoke.
"Thank you, Alex." She hugged her sister back.
"You okay now?" Alex asked, still hugging her.
"Yea. Thank you."
"Anytime." Alex gave her a tight squeeze before finally letting go.
Kara felt sick as she realized all of her friends just witnessed her total breakdown.
"So uh. That happened," Kara laughed, trying to brush it off.
"Do you want to talk about?" Kelly asked. "Only if you want to."
"Well um, you guys deserve to know..."
Kara rubbed her arm and looked to Alex.
"She had a panic attack."
The room stopped and stared at the Danvers sisters.
"I used to get them a lot when I first came to Earth, after... Well after everything. I uh. I haven't had one since Psi showed up..."
"Kara is claustrophobic, which usually is what triggered it," Alex explained.
"Is that why I found you staring at the closet?" Nia asked, concerned for her friend.
Kara nodded, but couldn't bare looking at her.
"Sometimes," Alex continued. "sounds and noise cause it, which is why I got the special earmuffs Dad made for her."
"Jeremiah knew I struggled with my powers." Kara looked up and smiled. "He made me these glasses, so I could control my x-ray vision. He also made a few pairs of earmuffs that keep me from hearing anything. I forgot I even had them, until now..."
"Kara," Kelly started. "This is nothing to be ashamed of."
Kara looked up at Kelly, tears forming in her eyes.
"But I'm the Girl of Steel. I can't just break because the microwave keeps beeping."
"But you're also a person." Kelly came over and put her hands on Kara's. "You deserve as much as help as you give others. You don't have to do this alone."
Kelly squeezed Kara's hands, and Kara looked her in the eyes.
"You sure?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm not disappointing anyone?"
"No Kara," Kelly answered. "You're not a disappointment."
"We love you" Alex said as she pulled Kara into a hug. "All of us do."
"I'm impressed with how well you've handled everything," Lena chimed in. Everyone turned and looked at her. "I'm just saying! I turn to the bottle every other night, and I'm not the last daughter of an entire planet."
Everyone laughed at Lena's statement and Kara gave a slight smile.
"If there's anything we can do, please let us know." Nia smiled over at Kara.
"I uh," Kara stammered. "Maybe a group hug?"
Immediately, everyone surrounded her and squished her in the middle of all their love and support (and their arms). She was squished up next to Lena and couldn't help but blush. Tears fell onto Lena's shirt as Kara's walls came crashing down. For the first time since she got to Earth, Kara let herself break.
***
After the tears stopped falling, everyone returned to game night and the rest of the night was filled with joy and laughter. Kelly talked to Kara about joining her PTSD program, to go along with her regular therapy. After a moment's hesitation, Kara agreed.
Weeks passed and Kara started feeling better. She kept an eye out for whoever was causing the breakdowns, but she couldn't find anything, or anyone.
'Maybe Psi was right...'
