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3 seconds after seeing lil vampire David, tumblr user matteovdh was found missing David yet again

u rly didn’t have to call me out like that

#AND ANONYMOUSLY #druck #replies #anonymous

Sometimes, I get the urge to write. I don't know where it comes from and I don't always believe that I have stories worth telling, but I need to get these thoughts outside of my body and the only way I know how to preserve them properly is by letting my fingers skim across a keyboard.

I wonder at how some people my age are already published - and famous! - authors. I wonder at how there are fan fiction writers who never tamped down their incessant need for stories, for creation, for new worlds, and shamelessly carried on writing and creating and loving their creations even in the most awkward of teenage years.

I wonder at how people throw themselves headlong into a story that may not have a shape, how they can let themselves be embraced so thoroughly and perhaps thoughtlessly by the Muses. I never trusted them enough. I trusted the paycheques I got. I trusted that if I made myself useful to others, if I could use my wordsmithing for other people who were more powerful than I, I would eventually have the time and space to create my own worlds.

I didn't count on forgetting the shapes of the stories I wanted to tell - always about young women because I understand young women because I am a young woman (and thus far, always have been). I never wanted to write about the adventures and thought processes of boys or men; I was already surrounded by them and also I didn't find them particularly interesting most of the time. I loved the characters who were like me. I am endlessly narcissistic or maybe just human.

I didn't count on closing a very important door and leaving behind my most delicious and wild fantasy worlds because, I figured, it would be better to not know and to stay inside. It's warm here and probably (possibly? Usually.) safe and eventually someone is bound to see that there is so much more hiding in my eyes except they couldn't because the depths started dying. The waters became shallower - so much closer to the land we live on - and the sparkling, threatening depths began to dry up and disappear.

I'm old enough now to see that all of it was a fucking ruse. None of these adults know what they're talking about! Did you know that? We will preach to you, yes, and tell you we're wise and know more than you because we have more life experience, but it's a crock of shit. It turns out that I closed the door that would have breathed life into me every single time I needed it. It turns out that the realest parts of me are entirely made up, I think, and now they're talking about the Law of Attraction and manifesting, but what they're really saying is that your imagination - what you have played with forever, since you knew how to play - is your strongest asset. We like to put stupid names to things, us adults, we like to categorize and pretend it's scientific rather than admitting it's magic, so now a bajillion people on YouTube look up meditations on how to manifest their dream lives instead of remembering how to dream in colour like they did when they were kids.

Someone, somewhere - possibly an English teacher - is rolling over in their grave at this post because it doesn't have one cohesive thesis and is instead a thought purge. This colourful, sticky mess you find yourself wading through is part of my deepest and darkest insecurities. These are things I think about all the time - how painfully beautiful it is to see others living a life that I still want, to see them visited by the Muses so often, how stupid I am when the Muses call me over and over and I turn my brain phone on silent.

If there's any message I'm trying to relay, it's this: Be proud of what you love. Protect your dreams fiercely, like a dragon would its treasure or like a mother her baby, and don't let anyone tell you that it's wrong to love the art you love. I mean, don't be stupid and don't love things that hurt others, but everything else is fair game. Spend time on what you love. Remember that money is important and useful but dreams are worth everything.

#millennialmusings #writer #journaling #but in public #and anonymously