#and lack of

[clinging-to-the-bars]

[jeanforrester]

I just heard someone talk about a reverend they once talked to who told them that children often base their idea of god off their fathers. what is my mother then, she has been a crushing holding changing role in my life, but there were times I saw more of her than him

.though sometimes I think I would have sympathy for the devil. but that is so so cruel. that is so so so cruel. it's not true. but let's just take metaphor as a brief moment and thought in time. an academic concept and that's it. let's leave it at that please, I'm not ready to go here. but I will say, I don't think anyone hates me dislike me, its that I'm not sure I'm lovely to be around.(somewhat of a love purgatory till I act) nor that I'm someone you want to spend time with or someone that is good for others. I just, I believe god is real, but I don't think I believe enough to deserve him. I don't think I deserve to be close to him, to know him. I've wondered, at my best times, if god and me have ways we can relate, if we are similar, if god feels as lonely, if god feels lonely and so strangely impossible and empty(how empty would be infinity?) if he also doesn't know why he exists, or what brought him to be. I've seen that thing about those from troubled families often see god as angry at them. I think he's indifferent and real.

[londonloves]

I can’t sleep but it’s more like I don’t want to because there’s a lot of things that are more exciting that just lying on a pile of intricately woven fabrics that were made in a factory by many many machines that probably run all day and all night idk how it works but like I wonder how long the machines run the same design for and like what if a fly gets woven into the pillowcase or something but ok

[achillles]

i’m so fucking tired my life is a mess and a lot of things i can’t change i just feel so stuck and i feel like this is just affecting my future

[ircniisms]

tfw you crave shippy stuff 

[justriseaboveit]

My food/household stuff shop was meant to arrive between 8 and 9 this morning. I have no food in the house, so it contains everything I need to make breakfast. When it didn’t arrive, I saw that it’s now predicted to be 1 hour 20 mins late.

So I’ve been sat here for 1 hour 10 doing nothing but browse online and complain to whoever I’ve spoke to that I’m hungry and want the shopping to arrive already.

Only now, at 10:10am, do I realise that I have a list of chores the length of my arm to do today and I could have spent the last 2 hours that I’ve been awake making a head start on some of them.

*sigh*

Right. Let’s do things.

[justriseaboveit]

I don’t really understand where all my motivation has gone, and also my will power muscle seems to have shrivelled. I’d done pretty good a few months ago of building myself up so that if I wasn’t particularly motivated to eat healthy or do exercise, I was in the habit of doing it anyway. Now, I want to, but I’m not actually feeling particularly motivated, nor am I actually doing much about it. I seem to be mostly talk at the moment and it’s really annoying me. I need to develop some will power!

Hoping that I might be able to break the cycle a little this week as I get breakfast at the hotel... so I should get that instead of going in and having a sausage butty every day. We’ll see. Either way I need to get moving, cut off the lattes (I’d got so good at avoiding them!), change up my snacks and stop ordering dessert. And do more yoga, weights and cardio.

Easy, right?

*sigh*