first i'm just going to kind of outline the reason i was gone for so long, and please don't take my updating as a hello i'm coming back see you in a few minutes in skype, i am just checking in again.
i say it all the time, but my health sort of dropped entirely for quite some time, i couldn't really move, went for more days than i'd like to admit without food because i physically could not handle it. i've lost a lot of weight and am not exactly making much progress getting any of it back because my issue with food still isn't making much of an improvement.
and that's where a few of those old friends come in. i say "friends" but i wouldn't classify them as such. either way, i has a few things pointed out to me, got yelled at. quite a bit. i'm just going to say i know now what i can do to at least attempt to improve my condition. it's not going to fix it, but it will ease symptoms enough to make it a tiny bit more bearable.
especially considering for whatever reason i managed to land a job interview next friday. don't ask how that happened, i don't really know either, but here we are.
as it stands right now, me being on my feet for more than twenty minutes at a time leads to pain and weariness. that's very simply because moving hurts to begin with, so i tend to try not to do it unless i absolutely need to.
now i'll likely need to. and i should get back into working on that anyway. alarmingly underweight and unable to eat or move around is... not good. by any means. it's fairly pathetic to boot.
to clarify, no, i'm not nor have i ever been anorexic. when i say i have a lot of things wrong with me, i mean it, and several of those things revolve around my ability to eat and how much, and when, before i am reminded why food and i don't get along in the first place.
by some happy accident last night i found something that doesn't practically kill me an hour after i eat it, so a lot of my energy will be put into finding a better diet or at least forcing a few things down that will ultimately help me get back on the right track.
i talk like i should be in the hospital. and i likely should have been. for a while now. but no one has the money to get me there, i don't, and the one who remotely holds enough money for it to begin with bases all her decisions on cost anyway even when we had the immediate needs to take care of it. so here i am. dying at twenty. what a loving mother, am i right?
that's beside the point. my point is, i'm not going to be around much, maybe sparingly because on top of all this i may or may not have school coming up in september. i'm going to be busy. probably still really sick most days. but the food i do get down and the schedules i have planned should help with the lethargy a good deal, so i'll pop in and out with updates.
i try to keep my laptop open most nights now, but actively being here is probably what's going to change. i'm not saying i'm going to disappear; what i mean is i'll probably be checking in daily for messages and maybe leave updates every other week or whenever needed.
so i suppose an apology goes out to those who are following me for the pretty picture posts, but this blog is about to sort of die out until further notice.
my desire to be around here in general has been severely depleted after being sick for so long and away. i need to work to get just a little better, and as someone so kindly pointed out to me today, the only way that's going to happen is if i actively do things for it and experiment. a lot. doctors can't fix everything.
i'm not going to fall out of contact with anybody here, i believe i have several of your mobile numbers, and means to contact others elsewhere.
other than that, i'm sorry for the abrupt... change? i don't know. but things are hopefully going to get better, i just can't invest as much time here anymore.
a few messages will go out to a couple people, and i tend to check in for a minute or so in the inbox a couple times a day.
i feel the need to keep reiterating the fact i'm not disappearing, and the reason for that should likely be clear enough to the person i'm sort of aiming it at. don't worry kid.
until then, everyone else take care, and hopefully see you soon.