Come on, Skinny Love

[thou wast all that to me, love,] i have these memories and i have what i saved-- [for which my soul did pine--] this castle and these memories-- [a fountain and a shrine,] and it was mine [a green isle in the sea, love,] but it was ours [all wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,] dead eyes looked the other way and gods bound by rules oblivious to time and heart this sand has turned to snow and spring will never come again [and all the flowers were mine.]

[terminalcalledend]

If there weren't still things on here I needed, I'd delete this entire thing. What a pity.

[grifflth-deactivated20150403]

WELCOME TO THE BATTLE SUBWAY I AM EMMET

[terminalcalledend]

the problem with getting up earlier in the day is that i eventually become overtired and then get Really Active. and i have a slight feeling 'really active' annoys a certain few people because then i ramble about things i probably should not ramble about. woopsie. 

[terminalcalledend]

it turns out i never had to go there today to begin with.

but i had to stay late anyway. wait for my stepdad to get home so i could explain to him too that what i had been trying to say during that first confrontation was nothing like it came off as. they took it off as me complaining how much things they gave me to do, calling them favours. while that is true, that they're just favours, what i said that day was about how i felt i couldn't do any of it regardless, or not as reliably as they wanted. that i was unreliable in general. that was all i meant. and they took it the wrong way and blew it out of proportion so i needed to explain myself.

i got the confirmation today from her that i should just say 'no' if i'm not up for something she asks. i'm not to give any reason why. or to just say i'm busy.

she basically gave me an invitation to lie to her. 

i hate lying. and i hate liars. i don't get it.

but the confrontation today was face to face. tense as always. if there's any one person worse than she is when she's angry, it's my stepfather. but she was still home. and he won't lift a finger against me if she's there. granted, she was getting ready to leave the entire time and attempting to throw comments in to curb him from screaming but it didn't stop him from yelling anyway.

everything was contradictory as it always is. i explained to him what i meant and how i felt. he didn't hear a word of it. he doesn't care enough to, he never has. instead kept repeating that i was sick and if i was sick in the head and that i need to go see a doctor. and then, i needed a job. wait. no. get a job. get a job get a job get a job so you can be not-sick. get a job so you can help your grandma out. take care of her. she's your responsibility, not the other way around.

... what?

so i'm right back to where i started. on top of having all of this wrongly placed responsibility and backwards logic, instead of fixing things, now i really am on my own. my grandma doesn't have the money to help me, even if she wants to. and my mother, who does have the money, refuses to actually sit still or pay attention long enough to listen to me, much less actually bring me anywhere.

he tells me i need to see a doctor. but then turns around and says doctors are pointless because i 'don't listen to them anyway', that i don't take the medication i'm given. ... perhaps because the last thing i was prescribed very nearly killed me last october?

contradictory. that's all i have to say about him.

i need to find other means to get money and see a doctor unless i can land an at-home job. i'm out of time and no one who cares enough has the means to do anything to help me anymore. 

[terminalcalledend]

alright but in all seriousness i spent a lot of energy just being here and spazzing out like i did so time to quietly go back into hiding for a little while, adieu friends 

[weirdcuneiform-blog]

I WOULD WRITE IT IF I HAD ANY CONFIDENCE YOU WOULD BE AROUND WHEN I POSTED IT

[terminalcalledend]

TAG ME IN IT YOU DORK OR just like text if your phone will let you and i will be there like aph god

[weirdcuneiform-blog]

lmao man that is all.  v shitty.  i wish i knew what to say;;  i’m really proud of you though for all that !  also i like your grandma.

[terminalcalledend]

... did someone mention frarom

[morgvnrot-blog]

Skype, maybe?

I haven’t used it much but I could set up a new account. Or fan-mail because the asks sometimes don’t send or don’t give me notifications. I simply haven’t feel very energetic lately. For months; but I am not sick. I’m sorry.

I’m glad I could help. I am also happy to see you, I was worried.

[terminalcalledend]

skype i can do! i can send you over my username in a pm if that's okie-dokie with you. c: but don't worry dear, take things at your own pace, it's okay. because i could say the same about you! you worry me when you disappear like that. umu

[weirdcuneiform-blog]

ooooh omfg that makes a lot more sense.  and it makes me feel better.  and yeah your mom sounds really horrible;; it’s good that you’ll be getting away from her?? at least that’s what it sounds like.

yes yes definitely.  and i think in order for you to become less vague the only solution would literally be saying everything outright.

aaah that’s good!  i was going to ask how the diet was working out, i’m glad that you’ve found a way to make it work.  

should i ask about the interview or

[terminalcalledend]

and well i certainly can't say most of what i need to outright, not here anyway :I ;; so i guess being slightly [very?] vague has become more of a subconscious habit since

if i were to be blunt 

about everything

especially on here

i would be kind of attacked if found out :D;;; s-so anything like that we'll just keep that between us the next time we have a chance to talk uninterrupted and whatnot.

as for the situation with my mom, unfortunately there are some things i'm not allowed to say no to, like this babysitting business. she would ask for all sorts of other things like 'go get our mail' [since all of the mailboxes are in one spot where we are, we both live in the same general area but about ten blocks apart while the mailboxes are right inbetween] or 'go pick up this and that from the store or go let our dog out etc etc and it's just

... no friend did you not understand me when i said i was sick, no i'm not doing this anymore. and i used to be considerate and explain why i couldn't/didn't want to. but i tried that two days ago, and instead of taking it nicely, she snapped, and that's when things went downhill again because i explained to her how she felt and then yeah. she casually just. threatened to come "visit me". to quote her. it was not a very nice message and was underhandedly threatening. very uncomfortable. 

i'm trying to be not-vague can you tell. :'D;; then i just ramble. 

my point is that now i am just going to flatly say no. i have nothing to say to her or anyone in my old house, i don't need to justify myself to anyone. she has said i am allowed to say no, even though when i do say no and get yelled at. the worst she can do is hit me again. i'll live. i'm in a different house now, i'm not afraid to call the police on her anymore if it gets out of hand again. before i couldn't, because if i was caught or she heard me doing it, well. more reason to be hit and such. and once my grandma gets home and is filled in on all of this, it'll be a little better.

[weirdcuneiform-blog]

i’m not online rn but i can be if you can get it?? like idk how well it’ll work but

and ahh that’s good, you kept saying things that are setting off alarms in my head i’m just like !!! more and more throughout all your posts and it’s kind of a little fucking terrifying you know

bc i only know what you tell me and you have this horrible habit of being vague.  what the fuck emmit why do you do this to me.  [wraps tightly]

[terminalcalledend]

nah i'm not on either right now hahah :'D;; i've been a little scarce all over, to be honest. 

ahh i promise i'm not going to do anything stupid, all i mean is move, nothing more;; don't worry! the rest is just me grumbling about how i'm not going to let her take advantage of me or push me around anymore. she, uh. at least learned to keep her hands to herself over the past year but whenever she's mad is when i get worried, is all. she's a loose canon.

i'm sorry man umu i apparently do not have the ability to be not-vague even when i try, and i was definitely not trying to be vague in that post by any means.;; once the signal clears up with the mobiles things should be a little easier, yes?

oh yes, i also meant to mention that the health problems aren't as severe as before, i've been able to eat for the most part again, it's just back to its usual every day kind of nausea and nothing more. so i'm not like. slowly dying anymore. promise. 

[terminalcalledend]

glasnacht replied to your post: glasnacht replied to your post: friendly reminder...

Please take care. There is no need for a repeat of what happened one year ago. Sorry I haven’t been on much; I asked Em and she said you had been sick, unable to come to Tumblr. I’m glad to see you doing better, health-wise :)

thank you sweetheart. uvu ♥ i've been meaning to find a better way to contact you, since tumblr has become a slight inconvenience lately. if you ever have any suggestions you're comfortable with, let me know okie-dokie?

in the meantime it's just good to hear from you again, i admit you had a lot to do with the boost in my mood.

[weirdcuneiform-blog]

oh god i just saw that post;; i feel horrid now my dash is moving so quickly that i must have missed it, or maybe it went up while i was offline?? idk.  

i’ve been worried sick though man i kept trying to text you but i’m currently in the middle of texas and cell service is sketchy at best;; i guess asking how things are going is kind of moot at this point

if we were meeting in person i’d be all over you rn (with respect ofc) because damn it has been a while

[terminalcalledend]

don't worry about it kiddo, it seems like the service on my end has been pretty poor too all things considered, i gotta get back to skype ahh;;

i'm doing a lot better now than i was whenever i posted that if that helps at all

it's honestly just a collection of very bad things all at once but i'll live more or less, i'm sure it's not as bad as it really seems and will all blow over just fine

but friend let me tell you it'd be the same here i don't really care give me a hug damn it -A-

[terminalcalledend]

grimdarkromania replied to your post: glasnacht replied to your post: friendly reminder...

hOLY SHIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY ONLINE

i just published a huge ass rant-update-ramble thing so have been lurking for a few minutes so technically no

but the correct answer is yes though i didn't intend to be

hello friend sorry friend

[terminalcalledend]

glasnacht replied to your post: friendly reminder this is a personal blog. ...

Ah… what happened? ;;

a lot of family-related things, my dear. and a bit of bad health thrown in for good measure. i've not been the best off health-wise the past month or so, meanwhile i'm being pressed to do everything under the sun all at once, be it for my family or for school, etc etc.

i'm not quite well enough to get a job, not without worry, so it's hard to actually do anything, really. it's just a very... difficult situation. 

it's good to see you again though, dear. ♥

[terminalcalledend]

friendly reminder this is a personal blog.

i spoke my mind against my mother, she threatened to tear the house down to get to me. it's not her house to come into. we locked the doors. i mentioned how i had plans to simply disappear. that she wouldn't have to worry anymore. that it'll be okay. and then heard nothing from her. two days later and i get a string of texts regarding the same argument, if you can even call me expressing how entirely worthless i feel an argument, and then more tips on where to find a job. then nothing again. i'm so very glad for her concern. 

i have to go there tomorrow to babysit and again on thursday whether i like it or not. i've no plans to talk to anyone. i have nothing to say to them anymore. at this point i'm not sure what to do. a year and a half ago she roughed me up a bit and left a few scars because she was drunk, and the next day my stepfather kicked me out because they needed the space. or as he put it, since needing the space was her reasoning, because i was 'detrimental to my mother's health'. which is precisely why i was the one being beaten into the floor being screamed at that i'm not what i really am, isn't that right?

the "roughing me up a bit" has left me terrified of her ever since. drunk or not. no kid should have to lock their doors in fear of their own mother coming to beat the shit out of them again.

perhaps i should begin to treat her the same way she does to me. i'll wait until after the 26th which is my last appointment, and then no further favours. 

i have plans to disappear anyway. she needs to get used to not having me around to tend to her every need.

this morning was fine. my head's a mess but i was calm. like i'd resolved a few things and was ready to forgive her because what a petty person i am for being so up in a knot over these things when others have it So Much Worse.

and then i remember back to what a little bird once told me. how just because others have it worse doesn't mean my own problems aren't just as bad to me personally or nullified. 

any time that comes up my take on reality twists up in a knot and i forget i can't just throw it all away and run to someone else because none of them can actually do that for me. it's a shame. 

for now i'll just continue to put up with it like i always have. but i'm not going to be so casual anymore. i'm going to make my point. she won't convince me i'm someone i'm not and never have been. i'll dress appropriately any time i have to go there. i won't allow her to feel as though she's a safe place for me anymore. because she's not. 

i don't care if i get hit and pushed into the floor again because she doesn't like what she sees. i know she doesn't either way, even if she's sober. i don't care. i don't care anymore. 

i have my own things to deal with. i might be the slightest bit more aware now but my health in general is still horrible. it drops at some point nearly every day, some way or another. i have no time to cater to her little favours anymore when i'm getting nothing in return, not a thank-you, not even a little concern or 'how are you'. 

i'm used to that by now though. 

either way i need to find a way to get money together. or stay healthy long enough to hold a job until i have enough. she doesn't have any intentions of paying for anything medical of mine after this last appointment. technically she isn't paying for it anyway, i am. it was the money she gave me for school. the very little money she gave me for it. and it will be half spent after this. school is not an option anymore as it is, and i have no access to that money personally. by december, she's cutting my grandma and i off the mobile service as it is. 

to say i'm in more of a rut than ever is a slight understatement. 

[terminalcalledend]

My interview is in a few hours and just about every time I think about the things that I would normally worry about, I sort of make a face like "what the fuck emmit, that's dumb". So I guess that's good. 

And I'm pretty sure the inbox here doesn't work at all anymore. It doesn't really seem like any of my messages are getting through.

[terminalcalledend]

first i'm just going to kind of outline the reason i was gone for so long, and please don't take my updating as a hello i'm coming back see you in a few minutes in skype, i am just checking in again. 

i say it all the time, but my health sort of dropped entirely for quite some time, i couldn't really move, went for more days than i'd like to admit without food because i physically could not handle it. i've lost a lot of weight and am not exactly making much progress getting any of it back because my issue with food still isn't making much of an improvement.

and that's where a few of those old friends come in. i say "friends" but i wouldn't classify them as such. either way, i has a few things pointed out to me, got yelled at. quite a bit. i'm just going to say i know now what i can do to at least attempt to improve my condition. it's not going to fix it, but it will ease symptoms enough to make it a tiny bit more bearable.

especially considering for whatever reason i managed to land a job interview next friday. don't ask how that happened, i don't really know either, but here we are. 

as it stands right now, me being on my feet for more than twenty minutes at a time leads to pain and weariness. that's very simply because moving hurts to begin with, so i tend to try not to do it unless i absolutely need to.

now i'll likely need to. and i should get back into working on that anyway. alarmingly underweight and unable to eat or move around is... not good. by any means. it's fairly pathetic to boot. 

to clarify, no, i'm not nor have i ever been anorexic. when i say i have a lot of things wrong with me, i mean it, and several of those things revolve around my ability to eat and how much, and when, before i am reminded why food and i don't get along in the first place.

by some happy accident last night i found something that doesn't practically kill me an hour after i eat it, so a lot of my energy will be put into finding a better diet or at least forcing a few things down that will ultimately help me get back on the right track. 

i talk like i should be in the hospital. and i likely should have been. for a while now. but no one has the money to get me there, i don't, and the one who remotely holds enough money for it to begin with bases all her decisions on cost anyway even when we had the immediate needs to take care of it. so here i am. dying at twenty. what a loving mother, am i right? 

that's beside the point. my point is, i'm not going to be around much, maybe sparingly because on top of all this i may or may not have school coming up in september. i'm going to be busy. probably still really sick most days. but the food i do get down and the schedules i have planned should help with the lethargy a good deal, so i'll pop in and out with updates.

i try to keep my laptop open most nights now, but actively being here is probably what's going to change. i'm not saying i'm going to disappear; what i mean is i'll probably be checking in daily for messages and maybe leave updates every other week or whenever needed. 

so i suppose an apology goes out to those who are following me for the pretty picture posts, but this blog is about to sort of die out until further notice. 

my desire to be around here in general has been severely depleted after being sick for so long and away. i need to work to get just a little better, and as someone so kindly pointed out to me today, the only way that's going to happen is if i actively do things for it and experiment. a lot. doctors can't fix everything. 

i'm not going to fall out of contact with anybody here, i believe i have several of your mobile numbers, and means to contact others elsewhere.

other than that, i'm sorry for the abrupt... change? i don't know. but things are hopefully going to get better, i just can't invest as much time here anymore. 

a few messages will go out to a couple people, and i tend to check in for a minute or so in the inbox a couple times a day. 

i feel the need to keep reiterating the fact i'm not disappearing, and the reason for that should likely be clear enough to the person i'm sort of aiming it at. don't worry kid. 

until then, everyone else take care, and hopefully see you soon.