Girls listen Iām never gonna write an au for Ilya and Shane I think but I will tell you about Nurse Shane and Hospital Security Guard Ilya. Please. Itās a worm in my brain I canāt get out.
Like the first time they see each other thereās a code for a violent/aggressive patient (or parents cause Shane is a paediatric nurse naturally thank you) and Ilya is new and heās the first security guard Shane has ever had be like actually helpful and able to deescalate and improve the situation.
They see each other a few more times around the hospital- Shane walks past Ilya on his smoke brake when helping the family out a patient he discharged into the car- at the hospital cafe standing behind him in line as Ilya is on the phone speaking quickly in Russia and orders some crazy sugar filled frappe and Shane has his usual long black. Passing each other in the hallway, Ilya coming to look at their duress alarms to make sure they work and like they donāt talk- they havenāt exchanged words really just thereās so much. Looking. And Shane keeps- noticing his presence and Shane doesnāt really get distracted like that. But there something about him Shane is in his orbit somehow but heās all whatever heās just handsome it doesnāt matter Iām busy ! And stressed !
But then they finally like have an interaction- night shift, Shane is at the vending machine at 3am in a thick jumper over his scrubs and itās his third 12hr night and he usually resists the call of the vending machine but heās allowing himself a snickers because the ward is heavy right now and heās tired and heās allowed to. Heās getting better at allowing himself things. But then the stupid machine isnāt accepting Apple tap and thatās all he has his wallet is in his car and heās not walking all the way over to the parking lot for that and who even has cash anymore and heās just kinda staring at the vending machine mourning the snickers and sugar hit and like also willing the machine with his eyes to just work for him. And then he hears a āyou okā behind him and he LEAPS in the air because whatthefuckwhatthefuck the hospital is so quiet at night really, but he must have been so focused cause he hadnāt heard even a footsteps and he spins around and itās him- Russian ? He thinks- security guard Ilya whoās name he learnt in the coffee shop when it got called out and heās so there and starting at Shane and when did the security uniform like get hot? And Shane is so tired please his body clock is backyards and he goes
āhuh?ā And Ilya just grins and then laughs. āHmm ok. Are you lost? I think you belong down thereā and points the direction of Shaneās ward and Shaneās still just kinda staring at Ilya (everywhere but his eyes) and Shane is a little confused because Ilya knows he works here and heās allowed to be in the hallway and after a beat and lift of Ilyaās eyebrows he realises he was teasing him. Making fun. Joking. So then Shaneās like. āOh. Um. Hahahā and Ilya just stares at him and nods. Then looks behind him to the vending machine and is like āwhat did it do to you?ā And Shane is like āwhat do you meanā and Ilya is like āyou looked very angry with this machine. Seems seriousā and Shane huffs and then word vomits a bit because heās tired and the only people heās spoken to in the last 2 hours - is a 3yr old girl and a 6 month old little boy who didnāt have much back to say than BAH - because he doesnāt like the co workers heās on with tonight, heās not as comfortable with them and heās exhausted so heās really not feeling chatty but heās pissed about the snickers and his heart rate is spiked from the fright of Ilya and suddenly heās going on about his shift and āthe after hours doctor tonight keeps questioning me when I know what Iām talking about and heās the one that charted the incorrect dose- I was trying to help-ā and then how āheās really tired and hungry and his salad actually sucked and he couldnāt sleep on his break and the 3yr old heās looking after asked if he was 60yrs old and- thatās not her fault ok but still, like 60? I use skincare!- and I just wanted a snickersā and heās been talking for like too long and his face heats a little cause he does that sometimes he really didnāt meant to say All Of That maybe just āIām good itās fine manā or something more normal.
But Ilya just, he just listens, intently, watching Shaneās mouth and then he nods and is like āok I think I understand, we can fixā and Ilya approaches the machine and puts his hand in his pocket and pushes some coins into the vending machine and the the snickers bar slowly juts out of its spiral and into the collection slot and Ilya takes it and just turns and hands it to him and smiles and says āgood luck with the little devils. Hope you winā and Shane is kinda like so š¦ because Ilya who doesnāt know him just- fixed a problem so easily and didnāt look at him weird for the outburst and ālittle devils?ā Shane finally asks as ilya has already started to walk away continuing his round and Ilya looks back over his shoulder and says āyes, the kids! Very cute but you know, little devilsā and Shake splutters out a small laugh because he loves the sick kids he cares for, always, to the point where he worries over them too much sometimes, his work is kinda everything to him- but they can be little devils and it makes him genuinely laugh and somehow those few moments took some of the weight off his shoulders and huh. Huh.
And then after that heās trying not to think about security guard Ilya who bought him a snickers because it was nothing if not just embarrassing for him but next time he sees Ilya at the coffee shop he canāt help but approach him to offer to pay for his coffee since Ilya has bought him the snickers and he tries to explain that to him with heat on the back of his neck and Ilya stares at him and then the man just laughs and waves his hand at Shane and says something in Russian and then adds Shaneās coffee order to his own and pays for both before Shane can interject and like ? That was not the plan!
And then itās like slowly, Ilya is dropping coffee off for Shane at the ward and leaving snickers at the desk for him sometimes and Shane is like ! Angry because heās like well itās unfair I owe him and heās doing it to like piss me off or make fun of me Iām sure of it and then Ilya is trying to chat to Shane asking him stuff and Shane is always like ?? Why does he want to know so much I need to keep working heās just annoying and his co workers are like š Shane girl pls and heās like shut up itās nothing. And it isnāt anything and Shane hates the attention itās making him feel. Looked at. And then on a night shift one of the girls says her friend on another ward hooked up with Ilya and like itās whatever he doesnāt even care. At all. Itās just annoying Ilya who likes to pester Shane and wonāt let him pay him back itās just a game.
But then itās like his co workers are wolf whistling when they see Ilya come on the ward when Shane is there and someone draws Shane + Ilya in a heart on the whiteboard and Shane sees Ilya see it and he wants to fucking die because this is all so stupid and Ilya is just making fun and heās fucking that girl who works in ED and Shane doesnāt. Heās - he doesnāt do dates or. It doesnāt matter because he doesnāt see Ilya like that and it was never like that this is work and itās stupid and heās not going to be made fun of anymore. (Heās not going to out himself out there to be hurt) and then heās short and distant the next few times Ilya tries to interact. He gives him the snickers back he left him and forces money into Ilyaās hand for the coffee and he doesnt really engage.
But Ilya just, doesnāt stop? He keeps coming by and he doesnāt say much or doesnāt care when Shane just says āhiā and āIām busyā he just nods and takes what interaction he can get and leaves if Shane says he has to get back to work and he never pushes and heās still bringing Shane coffees but heās leaving them hidden at the nurses station with Shaneās name on them or making his co workers give them to Shane so Shane can try and pay him back and he smiles when he sees Shane and he hasnāt bought him a snickers bar since the last time and Shane doesnāt mean to but he kinda. He looks forward to seeing Ilya feels his absence on his off days and heās on a fixed roster unlike Shane so Shane knows when he works certain days or nights heāll see Ilya and he - he looks forward to it but itās like. A friend.
And thatās cool Shane has some friends and Ilya is just a work friend like barely and thatās nice. And they start to talk more and more, and itās easy to talk to Ilya, he never means to but words just spill especially when itās night shift and Ilya always seems to find him on a snack run to the vending machine or when heās on a hunt for warm blankets from another ward. But he keeps his eyes off his and only on the really really bad shifts does he let himself look at Ilyaās arms in his uniform. And then ok itās been like 3 ish months? And Ilya finds out Shane doesnāt pay for the overpriced closer carpark he pays for the one thatās a fifteen minute walk away and Ilya is like why did you not tell me this ? And Shane is like idk? Cause why would I tell you where I park and Ilya is like itās not safe when you finish late and Shane is like 8pm isnāt late and Ilya is all itās dark and cold and snowy! Not safe and then Ilya starts walking Shane to his car after day shift and they talk more and ilya always listens to Shane about his day, wants to know and seems to know the right things to say to the hard stuff or when itās better to say nothing at all but just let Shane know heās listening with a hum and Ilya becomes part of Shaneās routine, finish work and walk with ilya to his car when heās on shift. And he misses it on the days he isnāt there and it doesnāt really matter until Shane maybe starts picking up more overtime when itās days Ilya is working and he tells himself itās to save and itās not like heās doing much outside of work besides working out and seeing his parents twice a week for dinner and itās not about Ilya.
But then- one night Ilya is lingering by the doors of Shaneās ward to walk him to his car and Shane comes out maybe half an hour late and he doesnāt expect Ilya there but he is and it makes Shaneās stomach churn even worse because why did he wait? And Shane made him wait. And Shane doesnāt have words for Ilya his mouth is shut and silent and he starts walking towards his car and he canāt get a single word on his tongue. He hasnāt stopped since he started at 7:30am and itās 8:30pm and heās peed once, had maybe half his bottle of water, half a protein bar and one single grape. Heās starving and his feet hurt and heās sure thereās still vomit on his shoes and socks even and the back to base monitors were going off non stop today, chiming beeps and alarms and so many infusions on the ward so many fucking beeps and alarms and three rapids and a code on one of his kids who heād ended up having to transfer to PICU and then a parent with a restraining order had tried to enter to ward and that had been a whole situation and there had been so much talking and fighting and frantic energy and Shane feels like a live wire shell. Heās alert and awake and wound so fucking tights and heās one more request of him from shattering into one million pieces.
His skin crawls with the day and heās sweaty and stinks like hand sanitiser and his ears are still ringing with sound and his teeth are grinding and Ilya is just walking beside him and Shane canāt even look at him and he wants to be alone and he wants to be ok and he wants quiet he doesnāt know how to. He is almost at his car and Ilyaās hand lands between his shoulder blades and Shane snaps away from the touch and Ilya is all wide eyed and quiet and heās all āShane, hey, hey Iām sorry I just- youāre shaking and quiet andā and he looks worried, genuinely and Shane feels so fucking stupid and small and used- drawn of every recourse and ounce of empathy and focus he has and he feels empty empty and not belonging to himself and Ilya is looking at him with his stupid kind eyes and he doesnāt know how to help himself after helping people all day and.
And then Ilya says the worst thing ever āare you ok?ā His voice is so low and kind and hushed and just for Shane Shane himself and the tears finally fucking go and heās crying and maybe laughing a tiny bit because he realises he still has a huge bluey sticker on the hip of his scrubs that one of the kids gave him and this is so stupid and embarrassing but work is so hard sometimes and Ilya is so kind with him and no oneās asked him that that isnāt his mum or dad in too long. And Ilya looks so confused and Shane wipes his face and he doesnāt have words but Ilya is so- heās always so and Shane does the worst thing ever and leans in and kisses Ilya with shaking hands and itās a messy ugly tear wet kiss and Ilya is so quiet and then āShane-ā and Shaneās ears ring because fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuckkkk. What had he been thinking? That he could be some easy fun hook up of Ilyaās? He wasnāt easy or fun and he had tears on his face and Ilya maybe just pities him and heās fucked up another connection- read it wrong again and he just thought maybe Ilya could help him forget or. And then Shane is like I gotta fucking go and heās in his car and Ilya is speaking to him, not touching him but hands hovering near but Shane is Not! Listening to a rejection right now after the worst fucking shift in the last year maybe so he says ājust- forget all of it Ilya leave me alone pleaseā because he doesnāt know what do do with Ilya he never did and then he did the worst most stupid thing of all. So then heās in his car and heās gone. He showers and eats and sleeps and comes back to himself. He calls in sick for the third time ever in his career and sleeps and works out and sees him family and friends and goes back to work a week later. Thankful to be in a good swing of days off. And he guessed Ilya listened cause he fucks off, he doesnāt see Ilya. Itās six shift back and he hasnāt seen him once and Shaneās days feel empty and weird and he didnāt realise how much space heād made for Ilya.
Then his next shift it happens another code black and security gets called to ward and Ilya is there and Shane doesnāt even really register it due to the intensity of the code and the family member who is causing a scene about their kids delayed surgery threatening to come back with weapons and āgetā the nurses which - Shane isnāt even sure how thatās going to help the whole delayed surgery problem if thereās no nurses to look after this guys kid but he doesnāt seem to be that in touch with logic really but the yelling is grating and heās escalating and Shaneās stomach churns because he hates unpredictable people. Unpredictable, violent and stupid are the worst kind. And then the shouting is directed at him, a slur that doesnāt really surprise Shane but makes him go hot in his ears anyway, to be singled out and then he blinks and his view of the man is blocked by a pressed white shirt and curls and Ilya. Ilya is talking to the man, low and clear and persistent and the man eventually concedes to Ilyaās talking- agrees to go out for a smoke to calm down (Shane knows the police will be outside waiting for him) and then itās all over and gone and he watches the man walk out with Ilya and he swallows and goes to the room to check on the kid and the mum and then answers the call light for his other patient because well, the work doesnāt stop and heās out the feeling of that manās words in the pit of his stomach for later. When heās alone. It shouldnāt matter heās been called worse. As least no one got hurt this time. Last year his co worker had been concussed by a kick to the head. He shouldnāt be that upset itās just words.
And then an hours passed somehow and theyād kinda debriefed behind the nurses station. An older nurse- Lai calls the man a āfreakā and pets the back of Shaneās head and thatās kind of enough. He loves lai. He also thinks she could have killed the man with her bare hands if it came down to it, sheās scary as fuck. Seasoned and tough and mother of six. She brings Shane veggies from her garden patch once a month, a full basket in his work locker. Calls him handsome.
Shane is in the storeroom refilling the syringes from the large boxes of them (he gets teased for being āobsessiveā about stocking but itās a quiet calm task that can help him pull back to centre when itās all too loud. The door to the store room is thick and keeps out most noise and is swipe access only. So heās surprised when he hears the digital beep of the door and looks up to see Ilya. He stops what heās doing and stares back at him with a handful of syringes and heās so embarrassed. He feels- shame for the first time in Ilyaās presence. For making things so weird. For his being weird.
They stare at each other (Shane at Ilyaās shoulder, Ilya at Shaneās face) and then Ilya āI uh- I wanted to- um, wanted to make sure you wereā Ilya waves his hand and he presses his lips together and his voice is so serious. Shaneās neck itches. āI know you said. I donāt want to annoy you. I justā he cuts off shaken again and Shane swallows.
āWe can um- you know we arenāt allowed to, like actually. Put hands on peopleā Ilya says and his accent is thick. Words more fumbled than usual.
āI did not want to offer a smoke to that I wanted to- for what he said to you. And also heās an asshole. Horrible guy but mostly because of. You didnāt deserve thatā Ilya nods and Shane looks at his eyes for a split second and his fingers grip the stupid syringes so tight.
āOh. Um. Thank youā Shane says and his stomach flips.
Itās quiet again and then Ilya says āok. Wellā and he nods and then āif you um- you know where the office is if you need meā and he nods again and goes to step away and Shane says
āUmā cause he doesnāt want Ilya to go. But he doesnāt know what to say either. So maybe āsorryā and he exhales āabout the other night I got um. I was very- overtired overstimulated I wasnāt thinking and sometimes I kinda shut down and uh Iām sorry I made it weird. And like. Kinda just was so inappropriate with you. I appreciate you being nice to me. So Iām sorry I got it all really wrongā and ok. Shane hasnāt meant to say that much, but thatās always happening with Ilya.
Ilya is like āwhy are you sorry? I was the one who kept. I was always there annoying you and I know youāre busy and. I- when you. Um. When you kissed me you were very sad and not yourself and I was unsure what you meant. Or- what it meant and I didnāt really understandā
Ilya lowers his voice and his head āI like you. Very much. Shane and I thought. Well you rejected me and it is ok I understand you donāt like me the same. I was ok with friends. But then I was confused when you kissed me so I thought maybe it was all- my brain was mixed up about it and you were very sad and quiet and I was, worried. But I am sorry. I made this. Uncomfortable for you here I thinkā
And Shaneās head is like exploding clean off his body, because likes him???????? Very much??????? Rejected ??????? Shane has been living in a different reality ????? Maybe ??? And heās like āhuhā mouth open and Ilya is like āoh my godā I bought you a coffee like everyday for months and Shane is like ānot everyday!ā And Ilyaās like I drew a heart on the lid and Shane is like āI thought that was the barista!ā And Ilya is like I bought you chocolate all the time too and Shane is like āwell I donāt know I thought you were like teasing me?ā And Ilya gives a long suffering sigh and is like āShane I walked you to your car, we talked about so much- Iād tell you when my weekend was free and ask if you had plans and youād always say oh yeah I need to workout and meal prep or see parents and then I got tired of being rejected I already felt like it was one sidedā and Shane is like oh my god š³ Iām an idiot maybe so heās like
āOhā and Ilya is like āohā and the. Ilya says ābut you kissed me but then told me to leave you alone and I was not sure what this meansā and Shane nods cause yeah. āBut you sounded very- angry, so I thought I had made you annoyed? Maybe pitty kiss? I do know so I think ok I leave him aloneā Ilya explains and Shane would like say something back he thinks.
āI um. I am free this weekend. Um. On Saturdayā and like not really what he was trying to say but ok. And Ilya nods.
āI am also free on Saturdayā Ilya says and Shane nods and thereās so much more to try and explain about the kiss and about not letting himself see Ilya as anything at all and that he really didnāt realise what was going on but, not here.
Ilya pulls out his phone and Shane says his number and then feels his phone buzz with a text and he smiles and Ilya smiled back and they are both just standing there and then Ilya says. āIāll see you at the end of your shift?ā And Shane has missed Ilya walking him to his car so much and he says āokā and Ilya says āokā and stares at him in a way that makes his spine feel like champagne and then Ilya is gone.
Shane finishes sorting the syringes.
They go on a date on Saturday, a small quiet restaurant by the water and talk until it closes. Ilya kisses Shane after against his car in the quiet street until their lips are swollen.
They make a second date for the next afternoon. They going to the grocery store together because Shane needs to do his meal prep.
Ilya kinda just stays for the next three days after that
