my proudest creation (chronological trans!andrew minyard / neil josten / andreil playlist)
track explanation below but it's mostly me losing my shit unintelligibly
andrew minyard deserves two boyfriends: track list explanation
•empty bed: this is little andrew to me, he has so much love and he just wants that in return, and the world is so hard for him and he thinks he has to take care of everyone he loves
•sharpener: i don’t know when andrew started SH-ing, but i imagine it was young, was he 7? was he 8? he is abused and he is trans and all he wants is to escape this body for one little second
•build-a-bear: andrew minyard is a trans man and that’s canon to me
•body: this is middle school andrew, he doesn’t have time for true grief anymore and his hatred has become almost a joke, what is left to say about this body that has never been his?
•bad temper: young teenage andrew develops the personality we know, violence against himself and others is the only answer to the constant violence from others
•sleep awake: AARON AND ANDREW, no other words needed this is just the start of them and all their horrors of love
•halloweenie IV innards: teenage andrew learning to cope with trauma by hyper sexualizing his own body, he believes he will only ever be wanted as an object, very trans masc coded of him
•you hear yes: self explanatory, andrew is fucking sick of the trauma and of remembering and imagining he sees drake everywhere even when he’s finally moved away, “controls my life from afar”
•white tee: this is mostly aesthetic, the vibes of older teenage andrew working at eden and just being a fucking badass all the time, he’s getting confident in being a man and it’s very baller
•invitation: andrew learns boundaries! he is comprehending that his childhood experiences were not his fault! and fuck anyone who tries shit with him anymore! different from you hear yes because this is more broad and less just about drake.
•working for the knife: andrew when he joins the foxes, he hates it here and he’s high all the time and none of it matters because he doesn’t feel anything anyways
•popular monster: also andrew when he first joins the foxes! they’ve labelled him a monster, and so he’ll be a monster then. he’s angry, he’s numb, he’s only here for aaron, and he feels like he’s on the edge every fucking day
•trying: this could be about neil, yes, BUT to me this is about bee. this is about the first person who truly helped andrew, the person he trusts above everyone else, i am insane about andrew and bee and this song is so important to me
•STUPID: andrew lying to himself about kevin, he has FEELINGS and that can’t happen, this is a one way street where he protects kevin and pretends to hate him
•picture you: andrew meets neil <333 and that boy makes him think things that are a little hard to blame on the drugs
•hill that i’ll die on: andrew offers to protect neil because he cares and it’s the only way he believes he can be wanted, he see’s this scrappy pathologically lying idiot and he is in love with him
•dumbest girl alive: medicated andrew vibes, he’s freaking out over feelingsss about neil and he’s manic happy and nobody gets it because he’s blank on the outside
•SKIN OF MY TEETH: andrew leaves rehab yasss, this is recovery andrew. it makes me sad we never get many details about what getting sober was like for andrew, but i imagine it was a bit like this song
•this party sucks: andrew showing neil his sober self through nights spent on the roof chain smoking cigarettes and talking for hours, this just IS sober andrew idk
•feel something: andrew’s feeling of constant numbness when he returns sober, the tiny glimmers of hope with neil, and his terror that he will never be able to feel anything ever again yet being unable to let neil go
•yes or no: YES OR NO?! enough said. i love them
•fainted love: “i’ve got it, we’re nothing, i’m the worst if you want it”
•a pearl: andrew when him and neil finally start being together, and he loves neil but he is also having to work through the constant flashbacks of drake. and how frustrated he is by that
•you were mine: this is andrew going through the expected ups and downs of wanting neil and really struggling as he does
•hate me: neil loves andrew and andrew wants to die, he cannot imagine a world where he is loved as he is and it makes him want to murder neil because it proves that every bad thing that happened to him wasn’t his fault from being inherently unlovable. he has to finally face the violence done to him, but just maybe that’s worth it for neil
•knock on the door: andrew thinking about how much danger neil is in, and how much he loves him, “i know you by your knock on the door” i’ll literally kms. also, it just fits because they’re always going to each other’s rooms and knocking hehe
•alley rose: this is andrew when neil gets kidnapped by his fathers people, he’s finally acknowledging all the feelings he’s been repressing (unsuccessfully) about neil and he fucking loves him and he cannot lose him
•smoke signals (feat tessa violet): in these hours where andrew doesn’t know where neil is, he knows he might be dead and all he has is neil’s last words “thank you. you were amazing”. this is also just the two of them all the time, this is how they love each other!!!!!
•famous last words (an ode to eaters): andrew and neil in the hotel kneeling on the ground holding each other with the fbi and all the foxes watching
•place in me: this is neil’s POV of the post kidnapping situation and waiting with the FBI to see andrew! he feels guilty for wasting andrew’s protection, he feels guilty for letting andrew love him and then almost getting killed, and yet he still wants andrew, he wants this life, he’s so fucking scared but he knows he wants andrew
•brotherly hate: GOD if this doesn’t fucking describe neil’s whole thing with andrew and aaron. this song makes me sick. guys pull it together! “i love one like a brother, i love one like i’m dumb” lmfao yeah you do
•song about staying: this is neil right after the happy birthday junior incident “pouring out like blood”. “leaving isn’t easy, stayings twice the harm”, this says it all. he cares so fucking much about the foxes, and yet he is being forced to leave to protect them i-
•talk to me: when neil and andrew start hanging out on the roof all the time? yeah this is what neil is saying nora actually confirmed it to me
•spiracle: this is neil wanting andrew completely, the whole andrew, the fucked up andrew. this is neil being completely fucking obsessed with andrew and not quite knowing what the feeling is but just wantingggg himmmmm
•twin size mattress: neil about pre sober andrew! he unconditionally loves him before he even knows because he never ever tries to change him
•broken: this is just general neil core frr, but it’s very specifically when he decides to trust andrew and rely on him and his strong broad shoulders
•all falls down: this is also neil just a little bit into knowing the foxes, lots of his more emotional and vulnerable side <3 “doing fine like i always am”, need i say more?!
•paranoia: this is neil when we meet him, running from his past but also projecting this incredible bad boy don’t-fuck-with-me attitude
•burning pile: this is literally neil when his mom dies. throwing everything on the burning pile. “if i catch fire then i’ll take my turn to burn and burn and burn” oh did he ever
•hayloft: neil’s image of his father his entire life, but especially on the run from him
•мой калашников: this is who neil was raised to be by his father, the gang violence and aggression, but also this feeling of being really confident and cool in every situation
•family line: what to say? this is neil’s childhood, this explains everything
