hiii im just updating on the choir confusion thing and popping in with a confession that might be related but id hate to blame my bad behavior of that time on my alterhumanity(it was most likely ✨trauma✨ but thats no excuse)
seems like im definitely just a little guardian, ive only had like 3 past lives at most(cant remember any though) and when you add that up that would mean i was made fairly recently, unless i was always just a horrible scaredy angel that took on significantly less earth missions than others but with how immature/childish i am compared to others of my kind i seriously doubt that.
this seems like a good outcome, idk if ive put it here before but i can NOT handle any leadership roles or being made responsible for others, it always goes badly since for some reason my intuition only comes RANDOMLY and i have trouble even thinking for myself anyway and that would make me even less qualified for anything more. At least i dont have as much pressure as the others with fancier roles 😅🪽
In the unlikely event where i do matter enough to be useful somehow i guess the truth will reveal itself when its ready, i just gotta fuck around until i figure that out and not rush it
aaanyway as for my confession, i apologize for what you are about to read in advance, one part is cursed, by far the worst thing ive ever written in my nearly 20yrs of this earth life:
when i was like 14yrs old my cousin came over to stay with us for a few months since they were experimenting with their gender and figured they were trans(didnt work out but im still proud of them for checking) but things were awful for them at home so we gave them a place to stay for a while. Both cousin’s home situation and what was about to come was like an overfilled blender of garlic tomato soup on the highest setting with no lid.
cousin is overall pretty nice but seems to think theyre better/smarter than everyone else and often came off as condescending without meaning to, cousin just wanted to help but the words just always come out wrong. Im just a tiny, stupid little kid to them despite only being about a year younger. Im assuming you can see where this is going.
Cousin gets a kick out of pissing me off and starts doing things that trigger me on purpose like getting on my bed/nest and refusing to leave when thats the only space in the house thats only mine at that point, breaking most things i let them borrow(the more expensive and harder it was to replace the more likely it would break), and worst of all stealing things that mean a lot to me when ive TOLD THEM im territorial while my trauma issues makes my garbage brain think “this person took my favorite thing, i am no longer allowed to have it, its theirs now and i have to get a different thing for as many times as it takes until they stop” while begging them to give it back wouldnt work because they would just laugh in my face like they were teasing me playfully.
hate being mean so i tried to me nice about it, cousin keeps doing it despite my increasingly angered warnings that started off gentle. Ive tried gently messing with cousin to get them to stop such as fucking up their hair, laying on their bed, giving them middle finger antlers, chasing them with soft pool noodles, and rickrolling them so they couldnt sleep in longer than they already were. None of that worked, they were turned on by all of it except the antlers but still didnt learn their lesson. No matter how many times i explained they still wouldnt quit it and thought of my genuine feelings were all(here it comes, brace yourself): “uwaaaaaa😫 *name*san took my thingyyy😭 give it back or ill cry i swear! Im telling aunt steaky uwu~ im a big ole babyyy im the bratty little cousin with a high pitched voice you HAVE to be NICE to me—ooouughgaauughreeeeheaheeeehoughaueweeeeeghghhea🐴 ill attack you with my link plushie!!🧚🐗🐺 im the onluwuy uwuone here whouwu is uwuncapuwuable uwuof inteluwuligent thouwughts uwuor feewings!!!🥺 *name*san in the name of danganrompa and hetalia staahhhhp!!”
this rivalry went on for a few months but after cousin took my irreplaceable dysphoria hoodie i snapped, the fucker already had multiple dysphoria hoodies and only one of mine helped me. Its irreplaceable because of how long ive had it and how its damaged in a very specific way, ive been nice about it for this long and all its only resulted in mockery so i figured if i scared them i could maybe have a shot of having some peace, it was worth a try to my 14yr old self since i had no other effective options, though this option shouldnt have even been available in the first place.
Here comes my confession after lots of context i could have just skipped. You know about the pool noodle whapping i did that was previously mentioned, right? Well… i did that with a sword this time. You heard me. I chased my 15yr old cousin with a legitimate metal sword(why was i even allowed near it???) throughout the house threatening i was gonna get them with it(non lethally but still this is bad, very bad)
after multiple minutes of a speedy chase i finally caught up like some fucked up low budget serial killer movie. I whacked my cousins wrist gently/moderately and caused a minor cut. My logic was “hey wrists have a lot bones, if i use it gently right there i wont accidentally hack a hand off and i wont accidentally hit an organ i only have a split second before they get away again after all!”.
cousin is now crying and threatening to tell “aunt steaky”(she got that nickname because she is a steak snob, this nickname is revenge for my uncles nickname “the funky monkey”). I tell cousin to go ahead since cousin was the one causing the trouble first and i took extra care not to cause major- or even moderate harm and i was already used to getting in trouble for defending myself(though this was at school before being expelled twice, never at home). at least i knew i would most likely be able to keep my hoodie(which cousin dropped mid chase)
by some miracle i didnt lose the sword, hoodie, or phone and somehow didnt get grounded either, aunt steaky must have been in a great mood when cousin inevitably told her about the recently occurred incident. All that happened is that we both got told off and i had to promise not to use the sword on cousin again but i was happy to agree since i didnt even want to resort to this in the first place.
shenanigans started again shortly after but this time it was with my bird. Cousin was jealous that my birds were super lovable to me and not them so cousin started fighting me for the birds while i was trying to spend time with them, just straight up tried to snatch the birds off of me like they were some sort of toy and not fragile/small/easily frightened/also territorial/living beings.
no matter how much i would move them away and tell cousin that theyre scaring my kids, cousin would just keep grabbing and yelling at me like im the one teasing them now. Long story short, no sword wielding action was required because my conure, pineapple, the smallest/sweetest/fragile looking/cuddly bird youve ever met in your life flew directly at cousin and repeatedly chomped on their jugular/arteries. Pineapple’s grip was so strong i couldnt just shoo her off, i had to escort her off with either a hoodie or towel and plop her into baby jail(bird nest) every time she did it. if i hadnt intervened my cousin would have died painfully due to not understanding simple boundaries. Pineapples slightly bigger brother, kiwii, also was no help because he screamed and bit cousin’s face when they tried manhandling him too.
cousin is now deathly afraid of birds. Which was real awkward when we took them to an aviary near the end of their chaotic visit, which was ended by them cussing out my mom/aunt steaky and mom’s best friend in a fit about loading a moving van, which the neighbors saw and promptly called the authorities.
after cousin returned home either they threatened to sui or kill their parents i cant remember. They ended up in a psych ward and we didnt see each other again until either christmas or my granny’s birthday i cant remember. The superiority complex remains but at least theyve gotten a little better, even though im still viewed as the stupid tiny baby with no intelligent thoughts or feelings.
Cousin has grim brothers fairytale lore with me now i guess.🤷🏻 i guess this particular fairytale will be summed up as: local young angel is gifted a sword that he is supposed to use for morally good justice, human bullies hymn until angel snaps, angel attacks human like a chihuahua with rabies and does something that reasonably should have made hymn fall but is granted mercy, angel is bullied by same stuck up human again but isnt allowed to defend self without losing both his blade and wings, his birds respond by attacking human for not respecting boundaries to the point where angel has to redeem hymnself by saving the human, human still doesnt learn lesson and proceeds to start shit up with other humans, this ends badly because the other humans dont take stuck up human’s shit and have them sent away after making a big scene in town about it, angel has guilt and tries to train hymnself and the birds to be less aggressive in hopes this doesnt happen again.
thank you for taking the time to read even though it cursed your eyes. I would have put this in a normal confessional but yours is the only one i know that actually responds instead of simply posting it with an emoji.
" sorry for the wait with posting this one , i wanted to front to read it , seeing as i am the archangel in our system and i was very curious on your experiences . :-)
i do apologize that your cousin could not figure out what boundaries were - especially at the age they were . you stated they were ~1 year older than you , meaning they would've been . what , 15 ? that's old enough to know what "stop" and "give it back" means . i am glad that you got your stuff back , though , and i am proud of you nontheless for standing up for yourself . :-)
even on mortal planes , it can get difficult to abide by mortal laws and make sure you are respected - i am just glad nobody got seriously hurt . i pray that you do not have to pull your sword on a mortal again, dear guardian . may your further journeys in this plane be well . <3 [ /plat ] "