#anjo.txt

[watchpartygc]

vanity fair photoshoot pics in musicals

newsies

moulin rouge!

legally blonde

city of angels

jesus christ superstar

anything goes

[87vettel]

what was my first reaction when i read seb will be allegedly testing with alpine in hungaroring? i laughed.

[watchpartygc]

[87vettel]

i don't know why (and maybe it's just me) everytime i see a picture of sebastian vettel on race weekends feels like he's on a music video or something.

[87vettel]

everyday, i will post about hoping sebastian vettel wins a race starting today.

Day 1: I hope Sebastian Vettel wins a race again.

[87vettel]

i may sound like i'm delusional but what if merc throws a big curveball and announce seb will partner lewis.

[87vettel]

cw personal stuff below the cut. ignore if you must. read of you want fuck this.

a lot of days, i don't see the point of me continuing going to school because i feel like i'm always left behind and everyone around me is progressing and i'm just frozen and getting too old for this shit. i don't have a support system that i can lean on, i have no friends i can open up to, i have people i hang out with but none i can have conversations with. it's getting so hard to drag myself everywhere. it's getting too fucking hard. i unironically wish to get hit by a car when i cross the street but fuck this, i still try. everyone probably thinks i'm slacking off or not putting enough effort but the thing is, all the energy i can put into those things end up going to pushing myself to get off my bed and do something. i'm so fucking tired. my mental health hasn't been this fucking bad in years, but it's spiralling down in ways i have not expected myself to reach. i want to verbalize all these thoughts to someone but my words get lost when i try to talk. it's all stuck in my head and i can't get it out.

sure, fuck it, i joke around watching sports. sure, i am happy when i watch sports, BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. that joy is fleeting and i need to experience to be happy.

i know someone will understand, i know there are people who's had it worse than me but i always feel like i'm just a placeholder in everyone's lives, a background easter egg in everyone's presence.

to be honest, i never felt that i'm loved enough to be remembered. i don't feel like people love me because i am a person that could be loved. no one has surprised me on my birthday, which isn't really surprising because it's slammed on a holiday. i don't feel celebrated as a person. i'm only celebrated when i contribute something.

genuinely, i don't feel like my friends like me. i'm just company and always the last person in their lives. maybe that's a reason i've given up on my friendships. they say they miss me but i always feel alone in everyone's presence. i don't even feel seen. i'm just there. i don't even think they notice i exist. i feel like my family's the only people who cared about me enough.

i don't know if i've done something wrong. i'm just a rug.

everything fucking sucks.

it's too quiet and too loud.

i'm so close to giving up but i keep on pushing hoping that it'll be better. it hasn't been better. it's getting harder. i'm so fucking close to giving up. i'm shutting down.

it's draining to exist.

it's draining to fucking do shit.

goddamn it i need a therapist, i'm tired of psychiatry visits and taking medications that does nothing. that's probably why i never got my adhd assessment back, and why i stopped taking medications. it's fucked. i want to fucking yell. it's expensive to do shit for my brain here and here i fucking am ranting on the internet.

if this is a permanent fixture and reflective of how low i felt in this point in time, fuck it, who cares.

[87vettel]

it only hit me that after all this time, i'm finally, finally, eligible to sign up for a specialization. i still don't know what i'll take, but it certainly isn't the one i'm thinking of when i entered film school.