I'm Scarred, I'm Mangled
song title: pure as a lamb by baby bugs
inspired by: the image in the middle
summary: Remus grows up with God and he's trying so hard to continue through his doubt.
wc: 718
warnings: religious themes
ship/s: none but mentioned bisexual remus
ao3 link
"Dear god… heavenly father…" Remus whispers as he clasps his shaky hands together. His mother always told him that to pray properly and be closer to God you had to have no distractions meaning closing his eyes and holding his hands together. He's kneeling on the bed in front of the window. Tomorrow's a full moon and he's not excited for it at all.
"Thank you for today. Thank you for the food we ate and thank you for keeping my family safe. Thank you for blessing my family…" He's nervous. His mum always told him to pray, especially when he was scared. Even with those instructions, Remus always tip-toed around talking to God about his lycanthropy. He knows that God knows about it but it's scary nonetheless.
"I pray… I pray that you keep me safe tomorrow night… on the full moon. I pray that I won't hurt myself too much or hurt anyone else…" He stops talking for a moment. He doesn't know what else to pray for. All he can think about is how scary tomorrow night will be.
"uhm… Amen." He decides to finish. Remus decides he can't fully pray if he's not got his complete focus on God. Remus pushes himself off the bed and opens he door carefully to get himself a drink.
Hes been praying to God for years, his mum made sure of it, but 3 years ago when he got bit, he felt like God was no longer listening to him. He prayed and begged after that first full moon to be normal again but all his mother said was "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers."
Remus didn't feel strong at all. He felt like he's been pushed to the floor and forgotten about. He can't feel God around him when he prays anymore. He's scared. He doesn't want to lose god. He begged God to save him but nothing came out of it.
Remus grabs the cup from the cupboard, opening the fridge to grab the water jug,slowly pouring some into his cup. He closes the fridge and stands at the counter for a moment, staring into his cup of water, a hazy reflection staring back at him.
"Remus…? What are you still doing awake?" Hope asks. He turns to look at her, he hadn't heard her coming in.
"Mum… I was just getting water." He raises his cup before taking a sip.
Hope comes over to him, running a hand through his hair, "is something worrying you?" She asks quietly. It's almost like she knows everything Remus is feeling just by looking at him.
Remus opens his mouth to answer "nothing" before shutting it again. He bites his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth. "I just-" he takes a deep breath, shrugging, "Why dont I feel close to God anymore? It's like- like he's- i dunno, let me down? Because I'm still not human anymore."
Hope smiles softly at Remus, "Remus. You are human, love. Just as human as me and your father. You're just a little different and that's okay. And God… hmm, God sometimes see's that you're struggling with doubt. He's still there with you, but he's seeing if you truly believe in him."
Remus looks up at his mother, he doesn't really like the sound of that. Hiding Himself in the time someone is struggling. "That doesn't sound very nice," he mumurs, placing the glass down on the counter. He wraps his arms around his mum, hiding his face in his shirt.
Hope lets the young boy cling to her. She knows all about doubting God, she was once a kid too. "God will show himself to you again when you are ready for it."
Remus just nods, fingers playing with the smooth fabric of the shirt. He hopes God does too. He would like to keep believing.
~~~~~
Sometimes when Remus has trouble sleeping in the dorms, he likes to look back at that moment—he's no longer religious, maybe his faith was too little in the first place—but his mum supports that decision too. His mum has always been very accepting of everything he's done. When he brings both boys and girls home during the holidays. When he stopped believing in God. When he became a werewolf.
