Gender Performance: Yoga Pants edition
I like to think of myself as right in the middle of the masculine/feminine scale. I have my days where I’ll rock a dress and I have my days feeling comfortable in a flannel and beanie. But overall, I guess I lean more towards a “tom boy” image. I just feel incomplete if I’m not wearing combat boots. I have my biases as to why, though. While I was growing up, femininity was perceived to be weak. I never wanted to be the typical “girlie girl” growing up because that image held the connotations of being dumb, air headed, weak, and dependent. I was so adamantly against the idea that, as I grew up, my parents teased me if I let myself show any slight interest in doing my nails or makeup. Comments such as, “I thought you weren’t into that stuff.” or “Oooh who are you dressing up for?” made me reside back into my shell of (at the time) unknowing self loathing of being born female. I didn’t want to be “a typical girl” (whatever that is). I wanted to be different, strong, and independent.
As I’ve grown up I’ve overcome these stigmas and have let myself embrace my feminine side. I started wearing makeup (and only mastered the art my senior year of high school). I started wearing heels to formal events. I started wearing perfume and buying bath bombs. I drank coffee from Starbucks. I started embracing the color pink and now my hair resembles a cotton candy swirl (which comes with it’s own social stigmas). However, I still have my days where I feel uncomfortable by what I’m wearing. Even one article of clothing can change someone’s perception of you. For today’s talk on Gender Expression, I’ll focus on my anxieties focusing around the typical teenage feminine female look.
I’ll be blunt. Whenever I wear yoga pants I feel sea sick. The fabric is comfortable and stretchy and looks socially acceptable without the effort or discomfort. But I always feel like people are staring at me. I don’t mean it in a narcissistic way. I feel...objectified. Every corner I turn, I feel like people stare and judge me on what “assets” I do or don’t have. There’s also the dreaded fear of camel toe that haunts my soul every time I walk. I feel like these insecurities (for me) stem back to the good ol’ grade school days where a girl addressed the fact I only wore sweatpants because I was “too fat to wear jeans”. I internalized a pathetic comment from a 10 year old for years. I gave up comfort to squeeze into jeans for the next decade of my life. Social constructs surrounding femininity don’t help either. The stereotype of a “basic white girl” comes to mind, filled with connotations of being perceived as the air headed cookie cutter model that people mock. All surrounded a certain type of pants that are apparently so “proactive” and “distracting” that they’ve been banned from certain schools and work places. But that’s another story.
Women can’t do anything without being chastised. Even the type of PANTS a woman wears judges her character. Too tight, too short, too baggy, too long. It’s always too much to be a woman. I feel like as women, we’re always put in the spotlight, even if the attention is not asked for. I can never blend into the background. I can’t even order a coffee without direct or indirect attention following me. I always thought it would be easier to be a guy and be able to throw on a t-shirt and jeans, and leave. But then I realized, I can do that if I want to! For me, they key to comfort is confidence. Whether I decide to dress up for the day or put on a crew neck and snapback (like today), I know I feel comfortable. I don’t dress to impress anyone other than myself.
My ideals around gender associated with clothing has almost diminished. Who cares what people wear? When there’s good vibes, the outside exterior doesn’t matter.
