You’re Better of Without Me
CHAPTER 1
He hadn't shut up for 10 minutes now.
He would just take a deep breath and then continue ranting. The words that came out of his mouth were quick and slurred-like he had so much to say but didn't have enough time to say them. His face was turning redder as the seconds went by and a few veins were popping up in his wrists. He was pacing up and down the room, nails digging into his palms.
And he was still talking. But at the same time, Ant didn't stop him.
He didn't stop Dec because he knew he deserved all of it. Every word of hate, of anger, of stupidity, was all aimed at him. He took them all in because they were all true.
He wasn't even listening to his best mate properly, just picking up the occasional:
"Ant, you bloody idiot, what were you thinking man?" But in his mind, that translated to,
'Ant, you piece of shit, why didn't you just die instead?"
Maybe that would've been easier. If he was already dead, none of this would've happened. The comforting world of where you had no conscience and no sense of your surroundings seemed more welcoming than life. Honestly, he just wanted to die right now. Of course, he had apologised many times, but Dec had the same response,
"Sorry doesn't cut it. Do you have any idea how reckless you've been?"
The impact of what he'd done hadn't fully sunk in yet. He would never have normally been this reckless, his mum was with him as well for God's sake! Ant felt like he was in the depths of a dark abyss, it was sucking in his confidence, his life, his self-worth. The dark abyss would make him feel empty; emotionless. It felt 100% better than reality. It was sucking him in whole. And he didn't want to try and get out.
Dec seemed to have finished his rant, but he was now staring at the wall.
"Ant," he glanced up at Ant, before turning his eyes to face the fridge next to him. It seemed like he didn't want to look at the man who had ruined everything for him.
"...yeah." His voice cracked.
"What am I gonna do now?" Dec paused, his voice becoming soft and weak. He looked up at the ceiling, obviously trying to hide his face. "You won't be here and the paps will be everywhere and-"
His eyes widened as a very important realisation came to his mind.
"What about Takeaway? Shit. I can't do it alone, I-"
Dec had started to rant again, pacing up and down the room, his nails digging into his palms and his face becoming red for the 5th time today.
Ant took this moment to just look at his best friend. He knew how talented Dec was, he had a heart of gold and never stopped to help anyone. His smile could cheer an up a room and his laugh was contagious. He also knew that Dec would be amazing without him; most likely more successful without him. It was basically Ant clinging onto him for a career. And now, the public would hate him...but they would never hate Dec, you couldn't hate Dec.
Ant also knew that the smaller lad deserved so much better. He deserved so much more than Ant could possibly give.
And so he decided to let go. To give Dec up to the world where he could be free and not burdened. He wouldn't need to worry anymore about the actions of Ant. If he did want to partner with someone, there was always Stephen Mulhern, he would be nice, and he would probably treat Dec better. He would go far, they had always agreed that he would've been more successful if they hadn't met. Ant never had the same confidence.
The first step to letting go was to say the thing that had been bothering Ant for the past 3 years. To get it out in the open was the only thing that would grant Dec a new chance.
But he didn't want to say it.
He didn't want to lose Dec.
Then again, no-one really gets what they want.
Luck had been on his side for so long, it was only time that he would start running out.
Ant opened his mouth, ready to say his thought out loud.
For the next 2 minutes, he opened and closed his mouth. His head was arguing with the thought of doing what he wanted, and what would be best for everyone else. Either stay with Dec as best friends, or let him go and be happy. Grant himself joy, or give Dec a chance of freedom.
Maybe it was the guilt; maybe it was the memories of joy, or maybe it was the fact that Anthony McPartlin is a gentleman.
He chose the latter.
With utter confidence, he mumbled the phrase that had always remained on the tip of his tongue...
"You're better of without me."