Secrets, Tears and What-ifs - Part 29
Author: Blake (justrainythings)
Pairing: Ant McPartlin/Declan Donnelly
Word count: 5 994 words
Summary: After the Sun outing them and their secret 20-year affair, they have to deal with paparazzi, girlfriends, wives, family and... their feelings for each other. Angst. Fighting. Serious stuff. Yay. :) Part 1 & Part 2 & Part 3 & Part 4 & Part 5 & Part 6 & Part 7 & Part 8 & Part 9 & Part 10 & Part 11 & Part 12 & Part 13 & Part 14 & Part 15 & Part 16 & Part 17 & Part 18 & Part 19 & Part 20 & Part 21 & Part 22 & Part 23 & Part 24 & Part 25 & Part 26 & Part 27 & Part 28
// Chapter on AO3 - er, well... hello, I guess? let's get straight to the point and do this in numbered bulletpoints yay
1. I'm sorry for being shit at updating, but hey, here's a new chapter, how about that?
2. This is my first chance at properly expressing this, so here it is: I'M SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY PROUD OF ANTHONY DAVID MCPARTLIN AND I LOVE AND SUPPORT HIM TO THE MOON AND BACK UNTIL MY DYING DAY AND BEYOND <3 <3
3. This chapter would have never been written if Abiee (@abieeoliver21) hadn't asked me to include a certain someone - I know it was 8 million years ago, I’m not even sure you’re still reading it, but this is for you, love :)
4. No plot in this chapter, really - just some random (and mostly surface-value) soul-searching stuff and no one really gets to the bottom of anything. Bit of foreshadowing and mentions of stuff to come though haha.
5. I'm so so so SO incredibly thankful to everyone who's still here, who's still reading this, who's still interested, who still makes an effort to comment. Honestly, honestly, cross my heart. Every single person who's waited a minute for this chapter, a couple months, or a few years (god, I'm shit at this). I love you all so much, thank you a million for all your amazingess <3 <3
(also: usual warning for the usual swearing) //
so because the last update was hundreds of years ago (please don't hate me), it's re-cap time !!
Ant and Dec have been having a secret affair for 20 years, but suddenly they are outed to the whole world, ouch. (To be fair, this is the premise of the fic, so I guess, you all remember that much at least. I mean, I hope so. I know it's been a year, but like... The summary is right there when you click on the bloody thing, yeah? Fuck, it's been a year. Please please don't hate me.)
They fight a lot about stuff - which they never do (scary!) -, while trying to navigate the minefield their personal and professional life has become. It turns out, Dec was quite upset about Ant marrying Lisa, thinking that Ant had given up on him, while Ant was never really conscious of the fact that he was actually in love with Dec.
Now though, Ant had broken up with Lisa, while Dec never really saw the need to do so with Ali (which, let's admit, was not the most eloquent way of handling this, but this fic is about Ant and Dec being in love, so we don't really give a shit about that), so they are both available, but terrified of what that means. Dec even had a couple of emotional, panic attack-like breakdowns (mainly in bathrooms? which is... weird, I guess?) that Ant is fairly concerned about. His family didn't take the news the best way possible. Especially his Mam.
They somehow got through Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and are currently half-way through Saturday, the day of their first live show of Saturday Night Takeaway. They are nervous, but as the show draws closer and closer, and more problems arise, they rely and depend more on each other than ever, defaulting back to their AntandDec-ness (and being very cute, if I might add).
Meanwhile a very old, but quite dramatically disgusting picture of them kissing surfaces suddenly and to push it out of circulation, Ali suggests to wander down to a nearby park and do a pap-walk, so they can provide less awful, and more lovey-dovey, kissing and hand-holding photos for the press. (Oh, and there's this homophobic little woman in the park who calls them out on kissing, but they handle it well, phew.) With that push, it's kind of decided for them and they more or less finally agree that they should be together and "properly date", if you will, although they are still quite shit at the whole having "The Conversation" thing. Ant admits to a few things that he wanted to come clear about (namely a sexual encounter of his with another man), Dec is not exactly sure how he feels about that (apart from unhealthily jealous and possessive).
Currently Ant is not really feeling on top of things, following a visit by Little Ant and a voicemail from his Mam. He mainly just wants Dec, who's left to get tea like ten minutes ago and to be fair, that's already way too much time to spend apart, so.
Dec is leaning on the bar counter in their studio's green room, waiting for their teas to brew, distractedly munching on a Jammie Dodger when she just wonders in. He tries to say something along the lines of 'oh shit', but he's mid-bite and he kind of chokes on a piece of biscuit and consequently starts coughing immediately. He tries to spit the soggy biscuit crumbs into a napkin in the most dignified way possible and she starts laughing at him heartily. And well, Dec really doesn’t appreciate that, despite knowing how ridiculous he must look. He is still concentrating pretty hard on, you know… not dying when she pulls him into a thorough hug.
It’s a long one and it feels like, she’s trying to tell him something with it, he’s just not quite sure what, but nevertheless it’s reassuring in a way that can only come from the familiarity of someone you’ve known a really long time.
'Cat,' Dec finally manages when they come out of the hug, wiping tears from his eyes, still coughing a bit, but breathing a lot more easily now. ‘Hey pet.’
‘You okay, love?’ she asks, tucking a blonde strand behind her ear, laughing again.
He nods and for a moment they just stare at each other in silence because of how impossible the whole thing feels – Cat is here (here in England - and in their green room, of all places!) and well, also, Dec almost just died in a Jammie Dogder-related accident. Maybe he could sue ITV. Where there’s a blame, there’s a claim, he thinks vaguely humorously.
Then Cat says, 'You completely forgot, I was coming, didn’t you.’
They set it up weeks and weeks ago – she texted him a couple times and she was coming back home to England for a bit anyway, so they were talking about going out for dinner, the three of them, after the live show, to do a bit of catching up.
But lately they've not really been on top of things, to say the least, and in the chaotic whirlwind of all kinds of pictures in tabloids and their messy fights, Dec’s been feeling like he can only focus on the task that’s directly ahead of him in order to avoid going absolutely crazy.
So, actually, no, he didn’t just forget about Cat coming; it seemed like, setting it up never even happened, or maybe in another lifetime, but definitely not only a few months ago.
Cat is still looking at him, so he simply just nods yes, because they’ve been friends for way too long to lie to her about something like that.
‘We did, I'm so sorry. There's just been some stuff going on and- I mean, it's great that you're here though-’
'It's great that you think that it's great that I'm here,’ Cat interrupts him quickly with a relieved smile. ‘Because I wasn't sure whether I should come or not after all this stuff. I mean, you guys invited me, but you know. All this is happening…’ here she makes a vague motion with her hand implying all this that’s currently happening, ‘But I just thought, you know, I don't come home all that often nowadays, so…'
'No, it's great, I'm honestly chuffed,’ Dec tells her and when he actually thinks about it, he comes to the conclusion that he’s not lying about this at all, not even a little bit; he’s glad that Cat is here. She represents something that’s constant, something that’s still normal in their life. ‘You look great, by the way,' he tells her, making her smile.
She really does. Dec has always kind of been half in love with her from the very first moment and it’s still like that. She’s really pretty – she’s always been, but she looks attractive in a more sophisticated way now –, Dec could die for her long blondish hair (although nowadays it’s more light brown, he notices), she also has a sort of delicate feminineness about her that he’s fascinated by, but at the same time he’s always loved her ever-present crude sense of humour and he knows, she’s always up for a laugh. She looks older than he remembers, but it suits her and – it’s a cliché, but she kind of grew into her face.
'Thanks, darling. I don’t look as great as Ashley Roberts though – I just ran into her outside and wow. Very American,’ she says the last bit like it’s a nasty piece of gossip and Dec loves her for that even more.
Dec laughs. 'Yeah, she is.’ Then he considers it, ‘You’re kinda very American too,' he adds with a playful smile.
‘Shut up,’ Cat says, dismissing him easily with a wave of her hand in a way that says, she’s very much used to this kind of banter. ‘You know what I mean though, she’s just… wow.’
‘She definitely is,’ Dec admits and to be fair, she’s totally Dec’s type. Still, if it ever came to it - if he was not fiercely in love with his best friend, that is -, he would choose Cat over Ashley any day.
'But last I heard, you were taken…' she says and horrifyingly, it sounds like a question, or at least something that Dec should elaborate on, and while the tone is mockingly mischievous, he can’t help but hear a fair amount of caution in it.
Cat doesn’t look sure if she has any business asking about this and Dec… Well, Dec has no idea what he thinks about that. He doesn’t have much experience with talking about relationship stuff and it’s definitely even harder when it comes to his relationship with Ant, because that’s never been something that was openly up for discussion. He has no idea where the lines are, what he feels comfortable sharing.
‘I… Sort of, yeah,’ he manages, and he can’t help, but feel that this uncertainty is kind of a setback, but to be fair, it has been an absolute roller-coaster of day and Dec doesn’t feel like putting much more energy into expressing his inner turmoil more adequately.
Cat raises an eyebrow. She looks hurt, like Dec just said something wrong, something slightly problematic. Dec has no clue why though, so he waits for her to elaborate.
'Come on, Declan, don't do this,’ Cat pleads, her voice strangely high-pitched. ‘I’ve known you for…'
'Oh. It's not- I’m not not telling you, Cat,’ he protests, understanding Cat’s reaction now. ‘It’s just, well, I’m not sure how it works at the minute.'
Cat raises a perfectly shaped, sceptical eyebrow at that. ‘What’s this then?’ she asks, shoving her phone into Dec’s hand and wow, that’s…
‘Weird,’ he says dazedly.
Dec thinks he really should get used to seeing pictures of him and Ant snogging in various locations, posted on the internet, but no, it still comes a shock seeing it so public, so sensationalised. It’s a bit different this time around though, because… Well, he knew about these pictures. He made a conscious (if not entirely free-willed) decision to participate in them; he agreed to do this. It’s the park ones, because of course it’s the park ones, and it feels silly now, but somehow he’s already almost forgotten about them; moved on, anxiously waiting for the next problem, the next catastrophe to survive and apprehensively, very unhealthily fixate on.
He scrolls through the article, flustered, a little bit feeling like he would be very grateful if there was a chair underneath him right now.
He ignores everything that’s written, he just concentrates on the pictures, and that’s already more than enough to deal with - he doesn’t need the shitty tabloid narration of their life on top of it all, thank you very much.
On the first picture they are in the queue for the burger stand, waiting for their food, and he’s looking up at Ant with a sweet, loving smile (‘That’s my favourite - it’s like a wedding picture, isn’t it,’ Cat offers with a concerning amount of enthusiasm, from where she’s plastered to Dec’s back now, looking over his shoulder to see the phone.) Dec thinks that the second one is okay, - it’s just them walking next to each other - up until he realises that they are holding hands on it and… okay. So that’s what they look like when they are holding hands. Interesting.
The next one is the first one to feature a kiss and the phone shakes in Dec’s hand for a second. Strangely, with this one, he’s not too concerned about how it looks (apparently it looks ‘very very cute’, according to Cat), but about the fact that they actually have a picture of their first truly free kiss. One for the grandchildren. Or… something like that.
The ones after that feature them on the bench, eating, kissing, then laughing, then kissing some more and oh, here’s the homophobic woman, shit.
Dec scrolls back up to the top though, because he honestly just can’t deal with that right now and… here he is again, smiling at Ant, looking like he’s happy, proud, carefree and very much in love.
Cat laughs at him, not mockingly so; it sounds soft and bright. ‘When the whole country is talking about you having an affair with your best friend and you go to a park and start snogging him senseless, then there’s absolutely nothing weird about it ending up on the internet.’
‘No, that’s not what I meant, it’s just so weird to see it like that,’ Dec explains. ‘It was a publicity thing that we did,’ he adds at the end, mumbling distractedly, like a non-too-important disclaimer.
‘Yeah, because that looks just like a publicity thing that you did,’ Cat laughs.
Dec just leaves it at that, and he’s not sure why - maybe he’s just tired of explaining something he doesn’t understand himself, maybe he just doesn’t care that much anymore.
‘I’m sorry it came out- The whole thing, I mean… I’m sorry that it came out like that. It’s not fair. You deserved better,’ Cat says then, much more serious, and Dec looks up.
For a moment he doesn’t know what to say, because for the first time someone actually acknowledged this, someone expressed just how wrong this whole situation is, the fact that someone outed them against their will, poking into their personal life uninvited, (not to say that they are not at fault here, but cheating and lying, those are the crimes they are guilty of, and surely, surely the punishment-like attention for being in an affair that happens to be a gay one, while simultaneously being on television is not fair on any level) and it’s quite overwhelming to hear his own thoughts of injustice directly expressed to him.
In the end he just smiles at her gratefully, ‘Thanks.’
‘But you know. That’s just your fabulous showbiz life, isn’t it? Can’t go anywhere without being recognised, you poor souls. Fame, fortune, sex, money, scandals…! Maybe you should murder someone next. Ooh, or better: have a reality show!’ she teases him and Dec can’t help himself but hit her in the shoulder playfully.
‘Ooor, maybe you should make a sex tape. That would sell well. Let me know if you wanted to. I know some people,’ she offers, mock-serious and looking at him with overly-scandalous eyes, but she can’t keep a straight face for long.
‘Oh, shut your face…’ Dec hits her again.
They laugh like they just said goodbye to each other yesterday, after a long morning of doing SM:TV, and it’s refreshing to be able to have fun with someone who’s not Ant. Maybe takes the pressure off their relationship a bit. Maybe Dec needs reminding sometimes that he’s capable of existence without Ant by his side every single minute of the day, so he can cherish the time that they do spend together even more.
It feels good and easy to be with Cat like that, but in a way it’s also nerve-wrecking, because of what Dec knows is coming next. They are at that point in the conversation. And indeed, although Cat is still smiling at him brightly, her voice turns sincere as she asks in a much quieter voice, 'You two okay?'
Dec sighs. He decides, he’s not so much uncomfortable talking about it, as he just doesn’t have the answers. Because the ‘you two okay’ question is way more complicated than it actually appears to be on the surface. Are they? Dec wants to think so, but he had just one too many panicky breakdowns in various bathrooms over the last couple of days to be able to say that they are with complete certainty. So many things have gone wrong today already and it’s not even show time.
'Yeah,’ he says, but his voice doesn’t come out right. He clears his throat. ‘Getting there,' is what he eventually manages, because he doesn’t want to sound bitter, he doesn’t want to appear as morbidly fed up as he actually feels.
Cat however is not the type of person who is satisfied with that kind of answer, and actually, wow, how could Dec even think that she was going to just let it go that easily? They really do need to meet up more often.
‘So… hang on, you are in a relationship then?' she presses, somehow making it sound like it’s the least intrusive question ever.
Dec still doesn’t have the answers however, no matter how relentless or good at this Cat is, so he goes for something light-hearted. 'Well, everyone seems to think so,' he says dismissively, not looking her in the eye.
'What kind of answer is that?' she asks with furrowed eyebrows, but also like she’s worried that she’s gone just a bit too far this time.
Dec sighs, more just frustrated with himself than anything anything else, really. 'The I don't know kind. It's just… this whole talking about things is pretty new to me, sorry. I mean…’ he trails off. ‘It's like no one's surprised. Like people were expecting it,’ it almost explodes out of him, the words coming quick and loud; this has been bothering him for a while now. ‘Like everyone fucking secretly knew about it like…!’
There is a moment of silence and Cat is looking at him with this very very patient expression on her face, like she’s waiting for him to realise something, like she wants him to figure it out on his own.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Dec curses when he finally understands. ‘I give up,’ he says, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I fucking give up. Why is it even such a big deal if every person on this bloody planet knew about it, huh? Why? If this is not even new information to anyone, why does it still make the front page of every shitty tabloid in this stupid country like? Aren’t people more interested in… I don’t know, Posh and Becks, or something?!’
Cat laughs at him, but she’s rubbing at his shoulder comfortingly. She leans over the counter then, rummaging for a bit, then turning back towards Dec with a plastic teaspoon.
‘Well, not everyone knew about it,’ she says consolingly, fishing out the teabags from both of the teas that Dec has already completely forgotten about. She dumps them unceremoniously on top a single napkin, drenching the whole counter immediately and looking like she couldn’t care less. She puts down the spoon and looks into Dec’s face with a part-apologetic, part-pleading expression. ‘But, I mean - and I’m only speaking for myself here -, if you think about it, you were never really careful about it when it was just the three of us, so I just assumed you thought that I knew, and I mean, it wasn't exactly a big deal, so…'
Dec lets out a disbelieving little laugh. 'Ant was with Lisa though. I was dating Clare-'
Cat holds up a hand, before he could go any further than that. ‘I’m not saying I understood exactly what was going on, Dec, but you know... It’s the two of you. It’s just your thing,’ she explains easily.
‘Our thing,’ Dec repeats incredulously.
‘Well, yeah,’ she grins at him bright and happy, stunning Dec into silence for a moment.
‘I feel like I have to go now and re-evaluate my life,’ he deadpans finally and Cat laughs warmly.
‘Better now than never,’ she says. Cheeky. ‘Where’s your loved up other half, then?’
‘Dressing room,’ Dec replies, only bothering to roll his eyes at that, and well, okay, maybe he understands why so many people have always taken this for granted - they never exactly discouraged the notion that there was something between them deeper than friendship. But it never really bothered him, he was never really iffy about assumptions like that. If that’s even possible, he was always sort of clear on where he stood: pretty much very into blonde girls, but kind of also very much happily attached to Ant in every way possible. A bit of teasing about their closeness was always welcome, met with a slightly embarrassed, but mostly proudly possessive smile or a funnier counter-joke. It never even occurred to either of them to get prissy about it, especially because most of it was… well, true.
‘We still have a bit of time, I think, if you wanna come, see him before the show?’ he suggests, looking at his watch. He grabs both teas when Cat nods and starts making his way out of the green room with her close behind.
‘Oh yeah, how’s the show going?’ Cat asks as they walk down a corridor, seemingly having realised that for now, she’s not going to get anything more specific out of him, relationship-wise.
‘Well, you know…’ Dec shrugs. ‘It’s okay, I think. It’s one big gay joke, the whole thing, with loads of embarrassing bits and making fun of ourselves, but we never had too much dignity anyway.’
‘So you’re acknowledging it,’ she nods seriously.
‘We can’t just ignore it, to be fair,’ he smiles back tepidly.
Cat shakes her head. ‘I know plenty of people who would. And you have to give yourself credit when you’re doing something right.’
‘Hah, yeah, because doing something right is exactly what this is. Forced out of the closet and we are gracious enough to acknowledge it. Well done us!’
They are suddenly stopped when they get to the next turn - a couple of stage-hands seemingly have tried to move a large piece of the stage set through the corridors, but now it’s stuck. Dec is assured by several people rapidly that the issue is going to be solved any minute now, but he just raises his eyebrows at them, like he couldn’t be less fazed by this catastrophic turn of events and leans on a wall casually, continuing his conversation with Cat, waiting to be able to get through.
‘You see, a tiny part of me thought, you two put the picture out,’ Cat says in a way that’s almost outrageously shy, especially coming from her.
‘What, that we did this whole thing on purpose?’ Dec asks back, definitely not as outraged as he perhaps would have been a day, maybe even hours ago.
‘You’re not the first person to accuse me of that today,’ Dec remarks, surprised to detect humour in his own voice. ‘Ant and you should really make a Facebook group for that or something.’
He laughs, but Cat just gapes at him. ‘Wait, he said what?’
Dec sighs again. ‘I don’t know, Cat,’ he says, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. There are quite a few people mulling around now, waiting for the corridor to be free to walk again, but the casual chatting of people and the shouts of the stage-hands make enough noise for Dec to deem it a safe environment to have this conversation in. He’s at a point where he doesn’t care much anyway, to be fair.
‘At first it was just that we reacted really differently,’ he starts explaining it, from the start, from the beginning, like he never had a chance to do so with his Mam, like he felt too awkward to with Ali, and too uncomfortable with his sister. ‘He automatically tried to defend what they had with Lisa, which is fair enough, but for me, it was all about finally doing what we should have done ten years ago. Being honest about it. I guess,’ he chuckles, realising the irony of it just now, ‘I reacted like everyone else, assuming that we’d be together now that’s it out, just taking it for granted.
‘But then he broke up with Lise, but decided not to tell me, so I could choose to leave him if I wanted to apparently, or… whatever the fuck that was about,’ he looks at Cat here significantly, with a “can you believe how stupid and annoying he is” kind of look, and when Cat laughs (surprised a little, but indulging) it feels like the best thing in the whole wide world.
‘And well, I’m definitely not with Ali, but it’s just… well, there were some trust-’ Dec stops himself before he could say “issues”. ‘There were some trust things… On my part, mainly. And maybe that’s why he seems to think that it’s like honesty hour now or something, because he keeps coming up with all these things that he never told me and I just… fuck, I wish we could just… Stop time or something. Call half-time. Because we have no idea how to handle any of this fucked up thing and we… put these people through this thing, this sick thing, for… for years! I mean, Mam’s not talking to me, Lisa is fucking heartbroken, but like, still taking it in her stride, Ali is fucking amazing, doing the manager things, and… fuck, there’s Clare and Georgie and so many other people that we just… fucked. And for what? So we can shag each other? It’s like I never even realised how stupid this whole thing…’ his rant stops suddenly and abruptly, with him having to take an almost unexpected breath out of nowhere, but then he shrugs and lets out an indignant little huff, not bothering to finish his sentence.
‘You’re actually fighting?’ Cat asks into the silence, her eyes a very deep brown.
‘I guess, we finally got to the point of breaking. We always said, it’d happen one day and it wasn’t healthy that we never fought.’ Dec suddenly wonders for a second if it was actually them who always said this, or if it was just one of them, and if yes, which one. He shakes his head, letting go of this pointless thought.
‘It wasn’t just shagging though, Dec. You are in love. You can’t control that,’ Cat says quietly, reminding Dec of a negotiator trying to talk someone off a roof, someone who’s very determined to jump.
‘Well, fuck. I don’t know what the right answer is or what we should have-’ a sudden picture-perfect memory startles him into silence. An echoing church corridor, eight or so years ago, him running, trying to comprehend what’s just happened, trying not to throw up, just running and running, like the coward he is, the fucking mess that he was that day. But, no. He did the right thing. Or… did he? Wasn’t it always going to end like this, out in the open? Didn’t he just postpone the inevitable by not doing what he was prepared to finally go through with that day? ‘We are still responsible for all of this,’ he says gravely after a while, after collecting himself a bit.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to be fighting though,’ Cat says, sort of just thinking aloud.
‘Neither did we,’ Dec replies, grimacing. ‘We ran out of secrets today though, I think,’ he adds, almost like an after-thought, not sounding as hopeful as he’d like. ‘Don’t look at us like that,’ he asks Cat pleadingly when she stares at him, looking a bit like she’s never seen him in her life.
‘Sorry,’ she says, catching herself. ‘I- I guess, I just thought, you would be more…’
‘Prepared for something like this?’ Dec finishes her sentence, laughing humourlessly. ‘Yeah, no, ‘cos, we’re idiots like. But I think for Ant it was way easier to get over all this. It’s like he jumped from this is not serious, it’s never been, to this place where he’s just incredibly comfortable with everything and… I guess, this is what I always wanted and now I know this, but I was just so fucking afraid that I never admitted it to myself and I’m still pretty much just scared shitless,’ he concludes. ‘Well. That’s where we are right now. That’s what I mean by I don’t know.’
Cat seems to think about it for a moment, taking it all in, processing, then - looking as enlightened as it goes - she says, ‘You’ve been struggling with this for a lifetime, Decs. You had way too much time to think about it and make up all these problems in your head, whether they are real or not. You just have more to get through than he does,’ she says and Dec is a bit taken aback by how it’s actual sensible advise, even if it can just be translated into a simple “give it time”. ‘Like the wedding thing?’ Cat adds tentatively and oh, fuck.
‘Shit. I forgot you knew about that,’ Dec shakes his head, pointedly staring at his shoes. The pain he expects from the mention of the wedding doesn’t come this time (maybe he’s exhausted his quota for the day or it’s too soon, from a moment ago when he thought about it, to hurt properly again), and that’s unusual, but he does feel more embarrassed than he has in a long while, and that’s really something, considering he just had several close-up pictures of snogging Ant’s face off exposed to, and tabloid-pushed-down-the-throats of, most of the country’s population.
‘I was there,’ Cat says significantly. ‘I don’t just know about it, I fucking saw it happen.’
Dec is infinitely thankful for the distraction of someone coming up to him, saying that the set piece really is stuck and maybe they are better off choosing a different route and just going the long way around, so the wedding topic is left well and alone. Dec exchanges pleasantries about this overall quite sitcom-humorous turn of events with the person and (‘They were not supposed to move it through here, but a couple of the new guys didn’t know,’ he explains to Cat) turns around to walk back the way they came from.
‘So… I mean, I just assumed that you’re like together, especially after the pictures, but now I’m… not so sure?’ Cat continues her probing, and despite his general and automatic annoyance by this line of questioning, Dec finds that it’s really nice to complain to someone about all this.
‘Yeah. Yeah? Maybe. Probably.’ Dec shoots her a painful smile when he realises how stupid that sounded. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Have you talked about it?’ she asks, laughing a little, as they turn onto another corridor.
‘We… sort of did,’ Dec confirms, but then he goes off-topic, his thoughts racing too fast for him to make them coherent enough to even just stop himself from casually blurting them out. ‘Today he said I love you to me in the most casual way and I said it back without even thinking about it and I feel like… It doesn’t feel like a normal relationship, like we didn’t have any of those moments, like we never even had a first date like, but I feel like I’ve been dating him since I was twenty or something – how is that right?’ he asks, feeling every bit as pathetic as he know he must sound.
‘It can’t be right just because it’s not usual?’ Cat asks back wonderingly, for some reason still humouring Dec. ‘Okay, so you didn’t have a traditional I love you moment, so what?’ (Dec opens his mouth here, because while they might not have had a so-to-speak “traditional” I love you moment - and Ant might stupidly deny that that was their first one on top of that -, it was still pretty romcom-like, thank you very much, involving some leftover curry, crap telly and Peter Andre being their upstairs neighbour playing a weirdly significant role in all of it, but then he thinks better of it and just lets Cat continue without interrupting). ‘You have other things. You have a kind of connection that most people wouldn’t ever dare dream of…’
‘I guess so,’ Dec says awkwardly. He still finds it incredibly strange how other people perceive their relationship, how other people consider his day-to-day normal to be unique and special. Not to say, he’s not aware of how lucky he is to have found Ant, it’s just…
He stops at a door leading to a set of service stairs, holds it open for Cat, lets her grab onto his arm as she - surprisingly elegantly - struggles down them in her heels. ‘It’s just confusing and I feel like I can’t figure it out - any of it,’ he says finally. ‘And there’s just so much pressure from everywhere to do the right thing and be so many things and it’s bloody all over the papers like and…’
‘I really didn’t expect you to be this hesitant about this,’ Cat says earnestly, stopping for a moment.
Dec looks at her. Then with new-found energy, ‘I mean just because it’s supposed to work, just because it’s us, it doesn’t mean that it actually will. We’re just jumping into it and there’s no time to adjust, not like when you’re actually dating someone, to get used to them, to figure out their habits and-‘
‘But, Dec…’ she interrupts him, sounding astonished. ‘You don’t need to do that,’ she laughs incredulously, shaking her head.
He looks at her, a bit frustrated, waiting for her to explain.
‘You know all this. Yeah, this might be an issue for other people who get together like this, from an affair or whatever, and yeah, it might be an adjustment, a hard one, but the pair of you are…’ she laughs again, almost fondly, ‘…strange and weird and… just think it through! You know what’s it like to live with him. You see each other every single day. You know his habits, you know what he does first thing in the morning, you know how he takes his coffee, you have shared a bathroom together, you do actually go shopping together. Dec, you have a joint twitter account for god's sake,' she finishes, looking like she’s clearly just won this whole thing altogether.
Dec opens his mouth to snarl back at her, but then he realises, he’s not sure what to say. After a while he just puts a hand on her lower back to usher her forwards and in the right direction. They don’t say much of anything for the rest of the way; Dec deep in his thoughts, Cat clicking with her heels like she’s the queen of the universe or something and she just solved Dec’s every problem single-handedly.
Well, Dec thinks with a wry smile, as he hands her the teas so he can open his dressing room door. Maybe she is. And maybe she didn’t exactly solve everything, but. This is definitely a start, or… maybe even a clear sighting of a finish line that, until a minute ago, Dec wasn’t even sure - couldn’t possibly hope! - existed.
