Anti-eulogy
Rummaging through the old cupboard, I find my lost love letters, break up letters, and what not. Here is one for your consumption:
"Departed Horseface Harriet, I must say that although I found you beautiful the first time I saw you, the first time I saw you I found you face down in a gutter. I am not saying you're ugly, but when you were born the doctor was heard to remark about an uncanny resemblance to the elephant man Joseph Merrick. Or is it capitalized; "The Elephant Man" is certainly capitalized in your case, Harriet Horseface, that is how ugly you are. Horseface, elephant, whatever ungulate you may be, I despise you. I wish I had never drank a drop of whiskey, that is how much I hate you. I wish I was never born with a penis dangling between my legs, you ugly, ugly woman. I really do wish that I'd never been born even. You are so ugly that the first time I gazed upon you sober, I nearly retched. This was at your funeral not more than five minutes ago and so, I know you are no longer with us, but I have to say in front of your family and for everyone, that I never willingly, soberly made love to your lumpy body or kissed your misshapen face. I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but I don't like you even more, so here we are, Horseface Harriet. I would wish death on you again if I could. I hope you burn in hell."