#anushual21

[anushvenkataraman]

[anushvenkataraman]

Shots from the recent film, Thaakini.

[anushvenkataraman]

Bending space and time...

...preordained in the the chaos.

Nothing ever is lost. We remember them all. We just don't care enough to reach them.

I've been told life is a collection of moments and memories. Moments are good, but memories are the horror. Either good or bad, they haunt you. Bad memories make you regret the decisions you made. Good memories make you regret everything. I have a stack of good memories that flash at times, deepening the sorrow and ultimately making them bad memories. As the good memories become bad, more good memories line up. It's a vicious circle.

Love.

[anushvenkataraman]

Fiction is a lie.

...through which we tell the truth.

Comics and cartoons filled my childhood so intense, I lived with those the books more than those in the waking life. Most days I impersonated Calvin and all nights, Batman. I still do. I even have a Susie; quirky, tiny, pretty and cute as an orange.

Most people look at my life and its rantings and already have a notion that I might be fictional. As long as fiction unfolds the truth that reality obscures, I'll remain fictional. Calvin by the day, Batman by the night. I'll fight bad vibes and bad people. I'm Waynkataraman.

Love.

Day 19 - 19 January 2021 - If you could meet a fictional character, who would it be?

[anushvenkataraman]

The dilemmatic fallacy of being intimate.

If you are not a person of science or a person of religion, you are a person of superstition.

I read this algorithm in my undergrad- the false dilemma. It got me intrigued and pushed me to write a thesis on music theory and autism. It also made me realise I’ve been dealing the world with the same algorithm, unintentionally.

It’s like you are given only two options and pretending there’s nothing in between.

Isn’t there a grey zone?

Oh, there is. There are. We tend me see them and immediately unsee them.

Once we begin to see that we all have fears around intimacy, we become more playful and light-hearted in our connections with others. We move from the seriousness of the ego to the childlike innocence of the heart. This will give you the confidence to be yourself. You know you have the space to be yourself. And when someone notices the space and opens up, you treasure them- it’s not only an indication that they love you, it also indicates your love for them.

These indications are flagged out when we miss those grey zones. It’s always either red or green flags for most of us, that we don’t notice the orange, yellow and maroon- the areas where true intimacy lies.

Can we imagine intimacy as freedom? Intimacy without neediness, open and caring, living like a child without boundaries?

To experience true intimacy and the celebration that naturally follows, chuck those reds and greens, and notice the oranges, yellows and maroons.

Remember, when someone trusts you to be intimate without boundaries, it simply means that you’ve already been intimate with them, without boundaries.

Happy loving.

[anushvenkataraman]

I’m changing because I’m alive.

[anushvenkataraman]

In summer cold worries…

“You run because you want each other too much”

I just completed thirty two and I still don’t understand the concept of best friends. Maybe because I haven’t been one and I haven’t got one. Maybe because I believe in soul connection!?

I have different friend circles- new, old, family. I’ve always longed for that one special friend who would be there for me in cold worries. I’ve always wished for a life partner who would also be that special friend, because I’m picky and I don’t want to choose different people. Damn!

I believe in soul mates. They are not born, they are made. In a universe vast as this, how do we think that there’s only one match for us? We choose our soul mates- the person we want to love, fight, fight for, have kids, trip around, hold hands and play board games. It’s more like the soul chooses it’s match first. I’ve met many prospective partners- connected with some, rejected by some, and when I met you, it felt like several lifetimes of longing finally came to life in this. There was a feeling of inevitability. The intuition that we would be together, that there would be a moment which would take us from the threshold of friendship to something much more. Getting to know you feels like I’m remembering who you are. Every smile, every fight, every moment brings me closer to you. You always know me a little better than anyone else.

I know there’s a terrible distance between us, we feel our absence even if we were away in different rooms. I guess souls do not have calendars and clocks like we do. They only know it feels right to be with one another. My soul misses your presence. I now understand why every time we say goodnight, it feels like goodbye. The souls don’t realise that the separation is temporary.

I chose you, and I will keep choosing you everyday.

Well, it’s not entirely me but my soul too.

Love you, Hithasini. Come home soon.

24 August 2023

Ps. Stop missing me journal. I’m gonna be around until she comes back home.

[anushvenkataraman]