#anxiety-tw

[fadingmoonbasement]

Things I’ll Never Say

Pairing: Analogical

A/N- This fic will be based on Things I’ll Never Say by Avril Lavigne. This will be based on just the entire song! But like yeah just listen to it and tell me you don’t picture Virgil. Things in bold are based on the song more directly. Also, the fuck is a proposal. This was for @fanfictionsideaccount that I started yesterday but then I was told to go to bed. 

Warnings: Kissing, anxiety, cursing

Virgil and Logan had been dating for a year now. Finally, Virgil felt ready to tell Logan exactly how he felt. Logan had never pushed Virgil into feeling obligated to say things he wasn’t ready to admit. The logical side was a firm believer in people moving at their own pace, he never wanted or expected Virgil to change himself for their relationship, actually, he wanted the opposite. Logan had fallen for Virgil just the way he was so if Virgil were to change that would defeat the whole purpose.

Logan may not enjoy feelings and emotions, but Virgil quickly found out he had them and expressed them very bluntly. One night the two were laying on the couch enjoying a movie. Logan had noticed quite some time ago that Virgil had stopped paying attention to the movie. Virgil was chewing on his sleeves, one of the nervous ticks Logan picked up on quickly. Logan moved, to interlace his fingers with Virgil’s, hoping to ease some anxiety, “V, what are you thinking about?” Virgil’s whole-body tensed, how on earth was he supposed to tell Logan, how much he craved wanting to stay in this exact moment forever. Or at the very least tell Logan how much he cared for him and how he’d give everything to be with him every night. Obviously, Virgil settled on, “Nothing. What are you thinking about?” Logan hummed in reply, “Virgil, I know you’re thinking about something because you were chewing on your sleeve, but if you don’t wish to tell me I am not going to push you, only when you’re ready. As for what I am thinking about, I was merely indulging in the thought of you getting down on one knee and us getting married.” Virgil nearly fell off the couch at that statement, he looked up at Logan expecting to see that he was joking, but no he looked dead serious. Virgil couldn’t even bear to tell Logan what he was thinking when they were practically thinking the same thing.  He felt horrible that his anxiety kept him from telling Logan what he truly thought, but Lo was fearless he saw no sense in lying or beating around the bush, so he was always upfront. Virgil turned so that he was now laying directly on top of Logan, “Ar…are you sure?” Logan cradled Virgil’s face and placed a kiss filled with so much passion that it made his head spin. Virgil had to break the kiss before he completely lost his ability to do pretty much everything, “Okay so you’re sure, good to know.” Logan just laughed and the two of them turned their attention back to the movie. A few minutes passed, and Logan could still feel how tense Virgil was, so he spoke up again, “Virgil you realize I was only half joking, right? For all, we know I could be the one proposing to you.” This time Virgil did fall off the couch, he was too in shock to move from this spot now. Logan leaned over the edge of the couch to look at his boyfriend sprawled on the floor, “God, I love you, Virgil.” Logan’s voice and face coming into Virgil’s line of sight were enough to dispel the shock, he started to crawl back onto the couch, “I love you too, but warn a dude next time you decide to be a sap, eh?” Logan laughed and opened his arms inviting Virgil to lie back down and cuddle with him, “Never that would take the fun out of observing your facial features.”

All of this had lead up to now. Virgil was stood outside of Logan’s room fiddling with his sleeves, trying to gather up the courage to knock. Virgil had known for a while that Logan was worth it. Logan was worth every ounce of overbearing anxiety coursing through Virgil’s body. The number of times Virgil had rehearsed exactly what he wanted to say to Logan would make Roman’s head spin. He just wanted for once to have his brain and mouth cooperate so that he could tell Logan exactly how felt.  Whenever Virgil tried to tell his nerd about the future he saw with him and how thankful he was for such a great boyfriend the words just slipped away. He had so many things he wanted to say but it was like he was physically incapable but that would all end here.

He took a deep breath and knocked, he never considered that just knocking on the stupid door would take the majority of his courage. Every part of him was telling him to run, to abort the mission but it was too late the door opened and there stood Logan. He leaned against the doorframe, smirking, “I was wondering when you would knock, but I didn’t want to scare you, so I thought I would let you find it within yourself.” Virgil just looked at Logan dumbfounded, “Yyyy…ou, you knew I was out here?” Logan chuckled, “Yeah I could see the shadow from under the door.” Virgil looked at his feet trying to hide his blush, Logan knew that smirking caused him to melt, but neither could help that now. Logan reached out and placed a hand on Virgil’s cheek not forcing him to look up, but just reassuring him or his presence and love. Eventually, Virgil looked up and made eye contact with Logan, those eyes were home for him, he didn’t need anything else.

He took a deep breath, now or never Virgil. He placed his hand over Logan’s that was still gently resting on his cheek and started to get down on one knee. Logan’s smirk was gone and replaced by a look of shock, Virgil took pride in catching him off guard. Virgil was now down on one knee looking up at Logan with their hands still both on his cheek, “You know I’m not good with words, Lo and I never have been but I’m going to try. Every time you’ve asked what I was thinking, and I answered “nothing” I was probably thinking how much I want you in my life. I wish I was spontaneous and charismatic so that I could blow you away with my words or actions, but I am not. I’m just me, and by some miracle, you think I’m worth it. I want to spend every day and every night with you. I know that I love you and you love me, and even though my anxiety is telling me to run, I don’t know where I would go, you are my home. Would you do me the honor of marrying me?” These things that Virgil had decided were things he’d never say all came out of his mouth at once and Logan looked so happy, at a loss for word but happy. He kneeled down so that he was at eye level with Virgil, “I never wanted you to be anything different than exactly who you are. I know that expressing what you are thinking can be difficult, but I also know that you care for me, nothing you said was news to me. Even though you don’t say exactly how you feel, I already know because I feel the same. I would be very happy to marry you.” Logan now had one hand on either of Virgil’s cheeks, and he leaned in to kiss him. This kiss was different than any the two had shared before, it was vulnerable and intimate on a level neither could have prepared themselves for, it was mind altering. The only reason they broke apart was because of Patton’s cooing and Roman yelling, “Get a room you two!!”

@fandomsandanythingelse

[fadingmoonbasement]

No Shame

Concept: This is literal fluff, some of this is based on something I did to someone today. Just let me have my fluff!

Warnings: Anxiety

Pairings: Analogical

Logan was sitting in the common room playing on his laptop, he was trying to learn this new software, supposedly it was to create a house or some other sort of structure. The problem was that it wasn’t the most user-friendly, and he had that the tutorial was for people less sophisticated than he. He was moving boxes that were supposed to be the floor but anytime he moved one thing the perspective changed or he ends up with five of something a certain shape.

Virgil walked in from the kitchen and saw Logan, he was hesitant but he really wanted attention and the other two were busy dealing with Thomas. Virgil gathered up what little courage he had, and walked over to Logan. With his hand outstretched he said, “My hand is freezing!” Logan takes it and looks at the anxious side and says, “I’ll say.” But goes back to what he was doing on the computer, Virgil watched and then a look of panic comes over the logical side and he blurts out, “I forgot to make the schedule for this week it was due yesterday!” Virgil’s anxiety increases exponentially at the loud noise and the panic oozing off the other, he focuses on his breathing and looks at Logan, “Well why didn’t you do it last night?” Logan blushes and avoids eye contact with Virgil, “I lost track of time, while I was playing a video game and then by the time I peered at my watch it was 3:30 a.m. and I was exhausted so I went to bed, forgetting about the new schedule momentarily and had to get up at 7:30.” Virgil only then took in the logical sides’ appearance he did look quite tired; his eyes were bloodshot and his voice was groggy but other than that he looked like his usual self. Virgil turned toward Logan, “Well if you want I can help you.” Logan nodded and Virgil inched closer to the Logical side, he was very aware that their legs were touching but he quite enjoyed the subtle human contact. He looked at Logan out of the corner of his eyes to see if he minded, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care, so he left his leg where it was. It only took about fifteen minutes for the two of them to get the schedule taken care of, Virgil looked at his phone to check his calendar knowing that events were coming up helped him prepare and made sure to make Thomas early.

Once the schedule was done, Virgil was only slightly frustrated that Logan refused to give him the attention he wanted but he didn’t want to be a bother so he decided to do something subtle. The human contact and closeness of their legs was still happening but he craved more. He put out his right hand near Logan’s face and said, “Help.” Logan looked at Virgil and took his hand and held it between his. Virgil not wanting it to end, “Why are you so warm and can you please share?” Logan looked at the anxious side, “Technically we both have the same body temperature so there is no reason I should be warmer, and I’m not sure how to share body heat.” Virgil rolled his eyes, closed the computer and moved it to the floor, then placed his head in Logan’s lap, staring up at the logical side. It had finally clicked for Logan, “You know next time you want physical attention just ask,” he said with a wink. He leaned down and kissed the anxious side’s nose.

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[fadingmoonbasement]

The Doctor Said

Doctor Said

Warnings: Anxiety, self-loathing, heartbreak, hatred, depression, swearing

Concept: Patton knows something is wrong with him but everyone says he’s fine. Base on the song “The Doctor Said” by Chloe Adams. Usually, I would insert the lyric that inspired it but the whole song fits. It also kind of goes with the video yesterday.

This break up had been tough on Patton, he knew that but he had to be strong for Roman. He could never show the others his negative emotions, he was supposed to be the positive one. The others and Thomas knew him as the one full of “rainbows and sunshine.” It was all a façade, at least at this point it was.  Patton didn’t want to seek help but he knew he should. He sought out Virgil, he approached the anxious side’s door and knocked, a moment later Virgil appeared, “Do you need something?” Patton felt really nervous he hadn’t told anyone about these negative feelings, thinking they would just write him off and tell him to get over it, he was right. He went into Virgil’s room avoiding the spider curtains this time around, there was no way he would be able to say what he needed if he had to also endure the great spider threat once again. Virgil sat on the bed waiting for Patton to speak, he could feel the anxiety oozing off the moral side but did not want to pressure him to speak. Eventually, Patton started pacing not really knowing what to do or where to go so as he paced he started speaking, “Do you ever just feel like you won’t be happy again?” Virgil looked at the father figure in disbelief, “I mean yeah sometimes but that’s normal for me. Do you?” Patton stopped pacing and looked at the anxious side, “Of course not. I am Thomas happy emotions after all” he said as he plastered on the fake smile he had perfected. Virgil looked at the moral side quizzically, “Are you okay, Pat?” Patton was on the verge of tears, “No I am not, okay” he practically screamed. Virgil jumped at the noise but forced himself to listen. Patton came to sit on the bed next to Virgil, “You know how this breakup has been on us?” Virgil nodded knowing that all of them were trying to cope in the ways they know. The room was definitely starting to effect Patton but there was no other safe place if they went to his room the room would force him to act happy. He needed to let someone in, he hoped Virgil would understand and help him. Virgil looked at Patton he was almost shaking, he wasn’t really sure what to do usually when someone had a problem they found Patton, no one ever sought Virgil out for help. He wasn’t really comfortable trying to physically comfort the other side so he just spoke softly, “Okay so what exactly is the matter?” hoping if he could get Patton to focus on one topic then it would be easier to get to the root of the problem. Patton sighed, “I can’t fall asleep without crying and thinking about all the good times we had with him, and how it would be so much easier to sleep if he were to share our bed.” Virgil internally groaned, “So you are the reason that I’ve had to fight Princey off every night from making an ass of Thomas?” Patton looked scared and distraught, “You know, never mind, we’ll figure it out.” With that Patton left the anxious sides’ room to return to his own. Virgil looked to where the moral side was seated just moments earlier, decided that Patton was probably fine, just overthinking the whole situation, while this was not like him, there was nothing wrong with Patton as far as Virgil was concerned. Virgil was certain that Patton was probably just having an off day, he’d go eat a cookie and be back to his annoyingly optimistic self later, there was no reason to worry one of the other sides would reign Patton in if he got too emotional.

He had known that no one was going to understand, he had been pretending to be okay for too long that the other believed he was truly incapable of negative emotions. What they didn’t know was a number of times his pillow had become a tissue to soak his tears, how food made his stomach lurch because he truly believed that since he wasn’t doing his job then he didn’t deserve food.  He had done research on something called anti-depressants but he wouldn’t even know how to go about getting them, what if the others found out and realized he was negative like Virgil or it effected Thomas poorly! Everyone just keeps saying the same thing, it’s all in your head, it will get better just stop obsessing over it. He wished he could but he thought about all the things he could have done wrong or how maybe he didn’t give this significant other Thomas’ full attention. Everything in relationships was either Patton’s fault or Roman’s and they all knew that Roman had tried his hardest in this relationship, which must mean that Patton did something wrong.

How could they all be going through the same situation and yet somehow he felt so alone, everyone else had begun to pick up the pieces but Patton. Patton was causing Roman physical pain by his yearning for this past relationship, and it was stressing everyone else out by having to reign in the fanciful side. It was all Patton’s fault if he could just figure out how to get back to pretending to be okay maybe he would eventually return to normal. If he didn’t acknowledge the negative feelings, then did they exist? Patton was back in his room but it was different this time, somehow darker, he didn’t feel happy the minute he walked in. He was thankful to be able to actually embrace his feelings, with that he resigned himself to his bed and welcomed the sweet embrace of silence mixed with his sobs. He knew that all the feelings that Thomas had that were negative were his fault but he couldn’t stop anymore, he had to let it all out. It was exhausting pretending to be okay in order to make the others comfortable. Patton also knew that once he woke up in the morning he’d have to get up and plaster on that smile that he was known for in order to avoid anyone knowing something was wrong.

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[fadingmoonbasement]

Virgil to Anxiety

Warnings: Self Doubt, Anxiety, 

This is my take on this post, it’s a little weird and it has been done in so many great ways!

Virgil to Anxiety

Virgil was feeling nostalgic and he sure as hell, blamed Thomas for that. While the others could relive happy memories was, all of the memories Thomas had that Virgil played a part in were cringey to say the least and rarely were they "happy." Sure, there were those times that Virgil had causes Thomas to panic and expect the worse, then everything had turned out fine, but did those actually count as "happy" memories?

It wasn't just the nostalgia either, he wanted to try to make himself better. After the catastrophe that was going to Patton's room, Logan had to explain that while he still found emotions illogical, they were something that needed to be dealt with rather than pushed down and bottled up like Patton had been doing for so very long. Logan had gone on a long exposition about developing healthy coping mechanisms and that all emotions, negative or otherwise, demanded to be felt. The logical side had made it clear that each side is entitled to feel emotions that may not exactly align with what they represent. Logan was mainly addressing Patton but he made an example that could relate to each of the sides, "Patton, you are the embodiment of the heart but even the heart can experience bad feelings, for example heart break. It doesn’t help any of us or Thomas for you to hide your feelings." Then Logan turned to Roman, "You are not as easily defined by your feelings as a trait, just because you are the ego and confidence, it would not be inappropriate for you to experience being insecure or scared." Finally, Logan turned to Virgil, "While you are the embodiment of Anxiety there is no logical reason that you could not also experience and express positive emotions. I dare say that it would be even healthy for you to be happy about what you contribute or feel pride in keeping Thomas safe." Logan finished his explanation and was content, "I have one more thing to add. If any of you are feeling these emotions that are foreign to you and would like someone to listen without judgment, I am willing to offer my services." Hearing Logan validate all the sides, made everyone immediately calmer, recognizing that there was logically nothing wrong with how any of them were feeling, in that moment they were all grateful for the logical sides' rational thinking.

Virgil had always accepted that he was not allowed to be happy or feel positive emotions, he was a negative trait, it did not make sense, but he supposed that if Patton was allowed to feel negative emotions then he was allowed to feel positive emotions. This is what lead Virgil to his computer to revisit some of the old videos, he wanted to experience something positive and maybe watching the others and Thomas learning to accept him would help him feel these positive emotions for the first time. He started with the "Taking on Anxiety" video, the involuntary cringe at seeing Thomas' reaction to his appearance could not have been missed. Did Thomas really hate him so much, that his appearance was a nuisance? Virgil had to admit he was slightly overbearing in this video, but couldn't they see that he was trying to protect Thomas? He had to admit that he was happy, Thomas had learned some healthy coping techniques from Lilly, it made his job easier. Something stuck out for him though was it truly possible that Thomas would be better off without him, Thomas had gone to Lilly looking for a way to completely get rid of anxiety, but that wouldn't work at least not in this case, he was after all a part of Thomas. Sure, at the end of the video Thomas "accepted" that he had anxiety but everyone knows that was for show and he'd much rather be rid of Virgil. After that video he had tried to tone it down a bit to show just how important he was, that he was contributing just as much as the others. "Losing My Motivation" was a time where Virgil could show how vital he was to Thomas accomplishing things but Logan was having none of that, he just wanted to have someone to blame and Virgil was easy target since no one liked him anyways. Logan was always complaining about Thomas' procrastination and in part that was Virgil's fault because if it couldn't be perfect what was the point. The shuffle on the

YouTube playlist must have been on because somehow the next video was "My Negative Thinking." Virgil was quite fond of this video, it was a time when he got to work at full force without being reigned in, that was until Logan had to rationally think through everything, still this video was a time where he felt like an equal. Logan was logic, he wouldn't lie to Virgil about his "feelings." Finally, he had managed to get to the "Accepting Anxiety" videos, it was nice to see that while Logan and Roman may not have known how important Anxiety was to Thomas, that Patton was able to show them how they were wrong. He will admit that Roman's comments about not liking Virgil, hurt but it wasn't anything new. Logan, on the other hand, had just begun treating Virgil as an equal, for all that to be thrown into the wind was painful, at least he was able to see exactly what the Logical side thought when he didn't have to keep up appearances. There was something about the second part that seemed off though, Virgil couldn't help but notice how the others reacted when his voice changed, Patton looked terrified, Logan looked intrigued, and Roman looked indifferent. It was unsettling to see Patton look so terrified by him, how could he scare the only one who actually liked him, Virgil didn't notice it at the time obviously because he was focused on protecting Thomas and the others there was no time to worry about what their reactions were to his growing strength from his own room. He was going to stop there but he couldn't help it, seeing the others trying so hard to be accepting in the "Fitting In" video, gave him hope something he was unfamiliar with. Watching Princey try so hard to ne "nice" was entertaining although it looked like it physically caused him pain to say nice or indifferent things to Virgil, he appreciated the effort.

Virgil had enough of this reminiscing, even he had started to hate himself, which wasn’t uncommon for the anxious trait. If he hadn’t been so overbearing, maybe the others would have liked him more. Had someone told his old self this maybe it would’ve helped? He decided to use a coping technique that Logan had told them about and write. He wasn’t really sure what he was going to write but once he picked up the notebook and pen, it all just flowed.

Dear Anxiety,

I know this is stupid but Logan said this could help me with my feelings, so here goes nothing. Sometimes people talk over you, refuse to listen to your worries, or flat out ignore any of your concerns. Just know that you are doing what you believed was right, you were protecting Thomas.  Roman can be a bit mean but he does have a point, you two are opposites, he is the one that comes up with all the impossible dreams, whereas you point out all the things that could go wrong, you have to keep it realistic to protect Thomas, he’ll understand one day. Patton would never lie to you about how much you mean to him or how you are an important part of the group, you shouldn’t dismiss him as easily as you do, it can be okay to accept praise and affection from someone. Logan, well we are even now still trying to figure him out, he appreciates that you think things through and that you can see things from his perspective, but he will probably still say things to hurt you, not on purpose. He can’t always see the pain his words can inflict on others. Even Thomas learns to accept you and embrace you as a valued part, he just never realized how important you were when it came to decision making, he tries really hard to make sure you are okay, comfortable, and even happy. You may have always felt like the bad guy and that no one would ever love you, but look at where we are now. You have a family, a support system, who cares for you unconditionally. Nothing you could do would ruin this, they still don’t always listen to your concerns but you are heard. We are kept in the loop, invited out, even called on by Thomas ON PURPOSE! No one would have ever guessed that the “bad guy” could have won over so many hearts, especially not without giving up a piece of himself. We didn’t change one thing, well we did become more aware of our effects on Thomas, but we still are protecting him. I know this is stupid and useless and that you would never get to read this, but I know when I felt this way I needed someone to validate my existence and tell me of my importance. Things do get better, make good memories, allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to be loved, and finally using Roman’s words don’t be your own villain. You have to love yourself before you can accept the love you deserve, it takes a lot of work but the support system you have is there for the entire ride.

Virgil

He looked at the paper and saw tear stains, he didn’t know when he started crying or why but he accepted it. The emotions took over he felt overwhelmed with sadness for his past self but joy about his current situation. He had so many reasons to be happy, most of them outlined in this letter. He decided to tape it to his mirror, to remind himself of his worth and the love he had. He would never tell the others but on particularly bad days he would stand in his bathroom and read this note until finally the voices in his head were quiet.