#anxietypost

[3choscreamer]

When you deal with anxiety with fam

Sister: I will pay you $25 to come with me, talk on my behalf to the counselor to let her know I have anxiety and cannot communicate properly.

Me, an unemployed bean that is in need of money: No. I don't want to.

The beauty of anxiety + anxiety = more anxiety

[criphd]

i always rly dislike not hearing anything back from my supervisors for a few days when i've sent them some work. like just a confirmation email they got it would do !!! i just get all anxious and stressed abt what the silence means but the silence doesnt mean anything but silence.... but like !! they askd me to send them the work this week so i feel like they must have been up for checking their emails but what can u do

[thethirdwheel404]

[level5impostersyndrome]

Nothing like waking up at 5:45am with the crushing weight of existential dread

[3choscreamer]

The only way I cope going outside.

Pretending I'm deaf and blind. I am shortsighted so I need to see but what I see is not what I already know. I don't need to know how many people stare at me; it makes me panic. I don't want to have a quiet mind outside or else the anxiety overtakes my human rationale to function incognito and away from people's talks. I plug in my ears and blast away loud music. It helps divert my attention from being outside and lets me focus on my tasks one by one, without having to feel the pressure of accidental glances or hearing mumbo jumbo.

Out of sight; out of mind.

[imanxiousandimproud]

I like to listen to this when I’m freakin out. 
I think it’s cause I’ve heard it in the climax of so many movies; 
I associate it with a happy ending, 
an everything is gonna be alright kinda feeling. 
And also, you know, the lyrics.

[fractallogic]

things I am:

almost got the first three days of class done (five ~15-min lectures down, 35 to go)

(actually, it’s a REAL good thing I’m re-recording all of the lectures because I actually do have a lot more to talk about (but also more efficiently, because I also know what’s important on the slides from lecturing from them at least two other times now))

exTREMely anxious re: wisdom teeth

very nauseated

pretty tired

things I am not:

decisive about readings (I’m trying to replace some of this other textbook with other chapters from elsewhere because the textbook is fine but super minimal, and the last time I taught this course the textbook was the primary source of readings and I DON’T WANT TO MAKE MY STUDENTS BUY A TEXTBOOK)

done with my course calendar (I need to finish that (i.e., pick/scan readings) to do the intro/logistics lecture, and once I do those two things plus one more content lecture, the first three days of class will be TOTALLY DONE)

coping well with anxiety

crying (yet)

well-fed (need to eat dinner before the gym BUT nauseated)

throwing up

for some reason I thought that reading articles about the process of wisdom teeth extracting (like, dentists’ and oral surgeons’ sites for what to expect and recovery stuff, not the actual thing, because the actual thing would WAY gross me out) would make me feel better, but it’s having the opposite effect because I’m also pretty stressed about having to get things done before and afterward

if I can get the first two weeks of class prepped (15 more lectures done (5/day until Wednesday; totally doable), plus one test made (potentially agonizing if my old questions aren’t recovered) and two assignment sheets updated (assignment sheets = trivial)) and my abstract done (probably doable) before the surgery I will feel great, because what happens is the following:

26th: extraction (bottom ones are wedged in my jaw (is that impacted? the internet has conflicting information, but I think that’s what they are), but the top ones can be pulled) 26th - 30th, really: recovery; minimal work seems to maybe be possible 29th/30th, but I can’t count on that 31st: birthday roadtrip to Phoenix 1st: NWAV abstract due 1st-3rd: worktime 4th-7th: Fremilybeast comes; planning zero work being completed (except for checking-of-email on the 6th to make sure students can access the appropriate things) 6th: class starts 9th-14th: in CO for brother’s birthday; minimal work (e.g., grading discussion boards, but not recording lectures) possible 14th-3rd: breathing room & worktime, punctuated by ~30 hrs of yoga a week 17th/18th: yoga teacher training starts 4th-9th: Sean comes; minimal work anticipated 7th: class ends 9th/10th: grades due, probably, so between the 7th and 10th I need to grade 11 final essays, which is not HARD, but the 8th-10th are yoga days and Sean will still be here even though I told him to not come over the weekend goddammit

what I’m trying to say is that for some reason the universe has seen it fit to cram a summer’s worth of things into like four weeks, broken up into one three-week and one one-week segments at the literal worst possible times for that to happen and I am super stressed and super anxious and it’s getting to me in such a big way I'm thinking about taking a quarter of a Klonopin tonight (BUT given my experience with it, I don’t know how well it’ll be out of my system before the anesthesia on Thursday, given that just for fucking valerian tea some parts of the internet say to not consume any of that within two weeks before getting general anesthetic) (so I also don’t even want to have the valerian sleepytime tea tonight, even though I know that’ll help more than the ordinary sleepytime tea) (GOOD THING I ALREADY HAVE TO CALL THE ORAL SURGEON TOMORROW AND ASK THEM OTHER THINGS because I really gotta ask them about this) (why didn’t I before? BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS I FUCKING CRIED THE ENTIRE 20-MINUTE DRIVE HOME AND ALSO ALMOST LEFT MY ENTIRE PURSE IN THE OFFICE)

like, that level of bad. I read something that told me that doing something like getting up too fast or stepping too hard off a curb or sleeping flat (?!) would dislodge the blood clots and give you a dry socket, and I’m already just like... the gauze will be in a place that triggers my gag reflex and everything already makes me nauseated, so I can pretty much guarantee throwing up at least once, and surely THAT will also dislodge blood clots if drinking from a straw runs the risk of that happening, so anymore I feel like this SUPER FUN WEEKS-LONG SAGA OF EXCRUCIATING PAIN is definitely going to happen to me

but I guess the good thing is that I will not have intermittent tooth/jaw pain anymore (which is the thing I’m trying to tell myself to keep from cancelling the appointment altogether), and after July 10th, basically, I will have the entire rest of the summer exclusively to write dissertation/papers and do yoga, which seems fucking ideal. WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR RIGHT NOW

[whatthefawkvicky-blog]

Anxiety Post 1#

My doctor told me writing out my thoughts and keep an anxiety journal would help me through the process of getting over my anxiety so might as well put this to good use on Tumblr right? 

So it's been a good few days since I've had an anxiety attack but suddenly today just now I have another one ... I hate getting them and the worst part is I WANT and NEED to talk to someone about it but when I do they don't seem to care or understand that I can't control these feelings or thoughts that go on in my head. Sitting there and not being to explain why it is I am hysterical sends me into more stress. When I get these anxiety attacks I feel like my whole entire world is emotionally and physically crumbling away. I feel as though as I have no purpose at all on this earth, I feel like no one cares or even notices me. I feel like everyone tolerates my existence. I feel like if I were to ever leave no one would care or notice. I feel like I can always be easily replaced. I know this isn't true, but something in my head keeps telling me over and over again no one cares about me. The more I think about it the more I start to believe it is true that absolutely no one on this earth cares about me. During these anxiety attacks all I want is just to know my best friends care and will let me lean on them during the hard times. But even sometimes I feel like they don't care or even notice. I feel like I have almost no one to count on. I feel like at time the only person the one person I can count on is my ex and he's the one that fucked me up emotionally. That's saying something when the one who hurted you the most if the one who is there for you the most.  To be honest I don't even know if this made any sense at all. I'm delusional and just need to calm myself some how and get this out of my system instead of breaking down.