#anxing

[lostcorpseroad]

i spent at least a cumulative hour today, probably more, thinking about how when i’m in a certain mode of anxiety, i want to describe it as feeling like i’m vibrating, or my eyes are vibrating, like i’ve acquired a vibrational frequency somehow; and wondering if that was at all a normal thing, something other people would understand as an experience of anxiety, or if it was me creating another body-horror-imagines metaphor version of an emotion and would be Very Concerning for anyone else

....and then i remembered the word “jittery” already exists

[lostcorpseroad]

i’m not having a panic attack; i don’t have the symptoms of a panic attack; therefore the fact that i’m crying in the library isn’t a real problem with a name and it’s not worth fixing and i should just be stronger and better. everyone is stressed and sad and busy and i’m not wrecked enough to ask anyone to help me and i should stop being so difficult and vulnerable anyway, it’s not good, it’s not kind, it’s not fair. i don’t even know what kind of help i’d ask for. i tried asking S for help but i couldn’t even figure out what i needed, i just wanted attention, i just wanted to ask. i don’t think anyone can help me. it’s my fault that i feel this way and if i were a better person than i am i’d be better at managing it and the fact that i sort of manage already shows i shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

[lostcorpseroad]

i should BAN myself from the EARTH

[lostcorpseroad]

It’s easy, sometimes, to create despair with your own body, to brew it in your head or in your guts. This week, don’t let hopelessness let you off the hook. You don’t have to retreat before the battle’s been fought, and you don’t have to guard against every imagined threat. Don’t drop your beliefs before they’ve even been tested.

madame clairevoyant, horoscopes for the week of june 5

[lostcorpseroad]

i do not enjoy the chest-squeezy hard-to-breathe anxiousness

[lostcorpseroad]

the idea of turning off my music and going to sleep is making me panic, which is.... unfortunate

[lostcorpseroad]

lmao having an intense spiraling crisis about my desire to buy a suit, because Money, and what if people* are mad at me for buying it because gender, and probably i’ll only wear it once anyway and then it will really have been a waste of money (even tho i only wore my prom dress, which will be comparably expensive to the suits i’m thinking about, once, but that was expected and totally fine and acceptable i guess lololol)

so uh anyway if i’ve ever pretended to be confident or secure in my lesbianism and gender expression please know that was a lie and in fact i hate myself, as is appropriate and correct

[lostcorpseroad]

wish i could stop being anxious and afraid of ppl lmao :/

i’ve been significantly better as of late yesterday/today, like, less actively bonkers, but i’m still anxinggggg and i don’t want to be anxing, i want to be a good friend