Whats your biggest romantic relationship advice?
COMMUNICATE.
I know that’s the most trite offhand answer in the world and everyone is sick to tears of hearing it, but it’s absolutely the truth. The willingness to talk honestly about your own thoughts and feelings, and the ability to listen calmly while someone else does the same, even if you don’t necessarily like what you’re hearing, is The Thing that makes relationships functional. Sometimes you will have to admit to stuff you don’t like. Sometimes you will be told stuff you don’t like. Still important.
The core rules I would recommend for communicating effectively (in any relationship, but especially a romantic one) are:
Be Kind
Sometimes communicating is scary. If your partner snaps “Don’t do that” and seems upset, consider other options besides that they’re just angry with you. Personally I hate being touched when I’m upset. The first time my girlfriend tried to hug me while I was crying I almost ran out of the room. I wasn’t mad at her, I just didn’t have the ability to articulate “I really need to not be touched right now” until I was less upset. If someone reacts poorly, you can call them on it later when they’re able to discuss it, but if they’re laying out a boundary, that is not the time for you to argue with them. Offer your loved ones the benefit of the doubt, on those occasions where they don’t handle things with perfect skill.
Don’t Be A Jerk
This means “take a second to cool off if you need it.” This means “think about your words before you say them.” This means “take the time you need to be able to articulate a real thought, not just a negative feeling.” If you know you are so upset you’re just going to start shouting, it’s your job as an adult to say that you need a minute and then take a minute. I recommend establishing the option to do this while everyone is feeling okay, but even if you cut yourself off mid-sentence and say “I need to calm down before I can say what I mean,” that’s still better than being thoughtless and damaging the relationship.
Say Your Piece, Then Shut Up
Did you say your thing? Did you voice your frustration or lay down your boundary or whatever? Great. Be quiet and let the other person answer you. In as much depth or detail as they want. Obviously there are exceptions to this--if someone says “don’t touch me, I’m upset” you don’t need to have a dissertation to answer them, you just stop touching them and offer support in another way. But as a rule, say your bit, and then let them respond, and then they pause and let you respond. I understand that it sounds like I’m just describing a conversation, but it’s important to make sure that you hear each other out in order to avoid misunderstandings.
APOLOGIZE
And do a good fucking job about it. You’re going to fuck up. If you can acknowledge that you did something wrong and be assured that it’s not a cardinal sin, you’ll feel less like any error is the death knell of the relationship. Likewise, knowing that the other person understands what they did wrong and how to avoid it in the future is important for moving past hurts. It’s the other person’s right to choose whether or not they forgive you, but apologizing is something that speaks to your character and the person you are choosing to be.
Since many people I know are not actually great at apologizing, through no fault of their own, here is my rubric:
I did [thing] and it was unkind. It was coming from a place of [emotion/trauma/circumstance/whatever] but that doesn’t make it okay to treat you that way. I’m sorry, and I’m going to change my behavior in [way] so that I don’t do it again.
(And then you follow the fuck through on whatever change you said you were going to make.)
There’s other stuff I could list that falls under the general header of “talk, a lot, about everything, and listen intently to what they have to say.” Discuss big ticket issues (like kids) early, treat emotional motives as validly as logical ones, don’t go to all this work for someone who won’t do the same for you, that kind of thing. But honestly I think these four are a pretty good starting point.
