Something you have to know AND IT'S FUCKING BAD (BOTH A RANT AND A VENT) (An PSA too, I guess?)
So uh, sorry for the lack of updates! I got settled with life and was hanging out on Discord and stuff (and also watching Miraculous Ladybug and trying to finish up the seasons, so currently I'm on season 6, LOL, but that isn't the point of this post...) so anyway, it's time to talk about why I'm making this post!
*COUGH COUGH*
So uh... it all started yesterday! My mom had a conversation with me and it happened while I was pulling out weeds.
Yesterday, my mom asked if I had voices in my head! I was confused by what she meant and I said "I mean I have stuff that I have watched replay in my mind now and then, cause my brain is never quiet, and I do roleplay stuff of like characters and so on doing scenarios and so on and stuff".
For context, I have internal monologue/thoughts (OBVIOUSLY NORMAL), I replay memories and media (because my brain isn't quiet and almost never shuts up, especially considering I have ADHD, so you get the point), and I like to imagine scenarios and roleplay characters in my head (which could be considered normal creative thinking)!
BUT for some fucking reason, my mom wasn't satisfied with this answer! I then tried to answer it with "Sometimes when I'm home alone, I sometimes hear someone calling my name but it's more of a trick of the mind than anything else" (aka an super common auditory illusion which happens to most people)!
And that's when I realized she wanted a yes or no answer to be exact! So I answered "If you mean voices talking to me directly, then no!", it's not like I have actual voices telling me to do stuff like go kill people and so on (WHICH I DO NOT)! And she said she needed that info so she can talk to the doctor about it! Of course I was curious and asked why, and that's when she told me she was getting that info so she can ask the doctor to get me an new medicine!
According to her, the medicine will "make me concentrate more and not zone out so much, be more happier and less angry, and also wanna socialize more and make some irl friends" which may sound good, but it's not as excellent as it may seem.
My concerns in questions are that it will make my brain too quiet (aka losing my imagination and internal world), numb me emotionally (can't feel appropriate anger or sadness even when it's necessary), make me "too happy" in an artificial way, and force me to be more social IRL when I'm happy being an ambivert IRL. And just so you know, those are real concerns that people have with psych meds, especially ones that affect dopamine/serotonin (I'm not sure if the medication is psych meds, but still, I don't trust the new medication)! And for me (considering I'm a neurodivergent person), that internal world is a huge part of how I process things and stay entertained when I'M FUCKING BORED AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO!
Me and my mom have both came up with a goal which was to get me off meds eventually but THEN she wants to add MORE meds, which is contradictory! Like are we trying to reduce medication dependence or are we adding more into the mix?
And here's the thing, if that medicine would fundamentally change who I AM just to make ME MORE "NORMAL," that's not actually helping ME, that's helping other people be more comfortable with ME. And that isn't fucking fair at all! Like why should I have to be "more normal" just to fit in with society?!
And that's not the worst part! My mom had THE AUDACITY TO LIE THAT I HAD BIPOLAR DISORDER JUST SO SHE CAN GET THE DOCTOR TO GET ME MEDICINE (I know this because I peeked in on her what she was doing while she was filling out a form for a doctor) when I was never diagnosed with it! And it's not only sketchy, THAT'S LITERALLY MEDICAL FRAUD! She's telling doctors I have a condition I was NEVER diagnosed with just to get them to prescribe medication! And it's fucked up, you wanna know why?
First of all, doctors will treat me for the wrong thing, considering that bipolar meds are serious shit with serious side effects. And if you don't actually have bipolar (which I don't), those meds could fuck you up in ways you don't need (AND THEY WILL FUCK ME UP)! Second of all, it goes in my medical record, which means now I could have a false diagnosis following around that could affect future treatment, insurance, and EVERYTHING! Third of all, she's making medical decisions based on lies, like how are doctors supposed to help me if they're working with completely false information?? Also, this feels like a betrayal because she's literally lying about my mental health to medical professionals without my consent!
AND THE BITCH HAD THE AUDICITY TO SAY "I'll say whatever I need to so that the doctors can get you medication" LIKE I DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT!
My mom then said "Oh, don't worry, the medicine isn't addictive, so you'll be fine" when I expressed my worries about the medication! Because here is the thing... plenty of psych meds aren't chemically addictive but can still fuck with your brain chemistry in ways that are hard to reverse (and that fucking scares me)!
So yeah, you can see how fucked up this is and I'm literally upset right now! I would like you if you could comment on here just to talk with me about this (BECAUSE I NEED SUPPORT FROM MY ONLINE MOOTS)!
And if you can reblog, please reblog this post so that other people are aware of what's going on, THIS IS SERIOUS, I'M TELLING YOU! I wouldn't mean if you spread awareness of this (I want you to) because I feel like if this doesn't happen, then I'll have no support to back me up and no one to be aware of this (sorry if my logic sounds weird, but you get the point, just spread the post for awareness)! 😭💀
(P.S. if you could get your moots and anyone else to reblog this too, I would be happy)
Any support would be very good for me because I really need it right now! And don't worry, I'm not on the new medication (yet thankfully), but I'm kinda scared that I'll sooner or later end up on the new medication and it's terrifying because this new medication could change me for the worse and fuck me up! 😰
So yeah, sorry you had to read this, but I really needed to vent and rant about this!
Tagging my moots because why not: @ruinationz and @turbotasticnumberone and @cartoon-cat7241 and @seleyaaaa and @rin-rineya and @strayfelinez and @yukihirop and @rivertheemoo and @meatmedallion and @drownedsilverforever and @senpaipaws and @cartoonlover999 and @byronicmoron and @crowtheorie and @human-n0-l0ng3r and @rotibakarstuff and @glooberousgoon and @goddess-of-lov3 and @lucifersdog-luci and @aoihibiki247 and @klyju and @ace-productions7 and @fiberopticemoweeb666 and @cryptedlullaby and @3veryth1ngstays and @blossomletters and @sapphicavocado and @bloodybigirl and @yanderehiro and @dnplicoricenutttt and @2catnip4me and @miracle-winkel and @mickyx-x and @biblicallyunhingedtheo and @the-only-good-ai and @prettirei and @unhinged-pink-espresso and @patchofglass and @m0nstrsk8bri and @ghostie-bunni and @nocthour and @ohthisisanna and @evergardenwall and @ladylrbloom and @themermaidavenger and @the-eclipse-is-in-me and @fannishwitch and @sleepyblogthing and @spookysimsspookythings and @sherotopia and @thekittykiller and @kindlykittie and @goldensnowspider and @sulmii and @abeelarts and @talapride and @anneswritingnook and @funkydeathmdnss and @taliasims5 and @ieatrocks0912 and @rei-ayasaki and @jaq-of-hearts and @higuysetc and @thef-150 and @scaliedog and @everheardofaboondoggle and @dianaforever and @candy-floss-consumer and @zrofor09 and @writer-fennec and @harthue and @velvet-ruin and @hvybrth and @nights-like-this17 and @stilesispackmomof-thehalepack and @sapphicluma and @avery-is-sleepy and @aphexpuppy-x0x and @quietlychaotic13 and @rin-rineya and @secreteldritchhorror and @ladykillerzsstuff and @cruvlllsworld and @the-only-good-ai and @c1el-phantomh1ve and @striving4mikey and @yukihirop-is-prussia and @deadmegime and @miraculousadrienettemarichat and @agra-absurdis and @kopickoncave and @billy-bob-xiv and @foxunikilo and @nightmarezs and @leafgreen222 and @marshme110w and @niyahbabes and @marshme110w and @allie-ever-posting and @xd3ardiaryxx and @garciaswife and @gothygardner and @expensiveprincessofherself and @ask-zhe-awesome-prussia and @ac1dbvnny and @pookieadriana16 and @jett-blasts-0ff and @d3adbydawnmari0 and @slain-angel-broken-wings and @l1ly0fth3va113y and @silentthillsz and @a4a-x and @ask-aph-prussia-and-yukihirop and @pinkswirlybubbles and @allndverse and @hop2fuldream3r and @sinful-snaps234 and @br3ns1lly and @m1sssaint and @macaquewifey and @craigburnsall and @roxyyyyyyyy and @kennieluvzvox and @nothingness--isdead and @sjsroom and @skinwalkerbunny and @wolf-lavender and @petrichoreghost and @urlocalengene and @mraltruist and @absvored and @h0pl3ss-dr34m3r