#apparentlygay

[apparentlygay]

when i’m gone.

i hope you never

grow fond of

my absence.

may the space

i occupied

in your presence

never close.

i long

to be missed

so terribly,

you feel it

in your soul.

is it selfish

to want you to

ache when i’m gone.

[apparentlygay]

visible thoughts for invisible people

sometimes i think

that i am

made of glass.

not to me,

spoken through me;

every stain and clear crack.

i yearn

and i plead

as panic attacks

for someone

to see me

seeing them back.

[apparentlygay]

i am not infinite.

how many times

can i pore over my addiction

until it becomes

asinine?

everyday

i sit and think,

“will today be the day

it kills me?”

and everyday

i come to learn,

“no, not yet.”

internal struggle

tedious to

the masses;

a flippant attitude re:

of which

i can only

fantasize.

will there come a time

for me to be

as free

as the carefree?

am i doomed?

contentedly confined

in the repetition

of the loony?

do i want

to get better?

[apparentlygay]

admittedly, i am ever so slightly vain.

conversely, i love it.

[apparentlygay]

c.a.d. c. 2025

“trying way too hard.”

[apparentlygay]

“Everything you do, you pay for. So if you’re going to kiss me, you’d best be prepared to bleed.”

[apparentlygay]

God is a Real One for that!

the other night, i was making a playlist for my cousin, who is going through a rough time, of a few rappers who are Christian and some of their songs that i thought he’d like and could help him mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

as i was listening to a specific song by Lecrae, i had this intense breakthrough, of sorts. it was so powerful! all the doubts and fears i’d been experiencing, in regards to my relationship with God, over the past few months, just…dissipated. just a sudden realisation that i’d been lying to myself and i actually let myself believe it!

now i’ve always been a fan of ‘Crae, and i’d listened to this song many a time, before. but it never hit me like this. the entire setup that happened to get me to that particular moment to *LISTEN* to that song and actually HEAR what God was trying to tell me was just..comical.

i couldn’t believe that happened, and i was so excited and FREE from that dark place in my mind, that i felt absolutely compelled to reach out to that man and thank him for being vulnerable and allowing God to use him as a messenger. it was 3am on a weekday, which is already weird, and after i finished typing, i felt ever weirder. the message was…well, “longgg” is being generous. i started thinking i shouldn’t send it, and that just typing that out was good enough. God was having None Of That, and i felt it, “no, *somebody* needs to see this, and it’s gonna be him”. so i hit send, closed the app, and went about my stuff, never expecting more of a response than a double tap, if i got a response, at all.

y’all!

he sent me a voice message and said a few things that really hit home for me, spiritually. things i *needed* to hear, but could never find the right questions to ask to get there. and i just—

God is so good! the was He uses His people to draw you closer to Him and will not let you ignore your feeling or sit in hurt. i had been deliberately avoiding talking about those things with anyone because i was so ashamed. and honestly trying to “hide” from God (which you obviously can never do). and in the midst of me trying to busy myself by doing something kind and healing for someone else, i find the healing i’ve been needing for YEARS!

anyway, God is just so good and will literally meet you wherever you are, when you desire Him.

[apparentlygay]

❄️❄️❄️