#apple vents

[applefox420]

can't sleep cause I'm busy thinking about former close friends I've fallen out with.

I was struggling with SO much and was expected to be present for everyone who knew me when my life was falling apart, I was going homeless basically for a second time, and got replaced by an abuser who thrived on drama and lack of communication. I almost moved states again. I found out my father is a pedo. my body is breaking down and I have to use a wheelchair if I'm out for long hours. but sure, "I didn't care" and "I changed too much." fuck you, I was barely holding my head above water, my BPD was unmedicated as FUCK, and my entire IRL life was literally falling apart. it's taken almost 2 years to get somewhat back on my feet.

I cared but I was fucking drowning and experiencing shit I'd never experienced before nor was I ever prepared for more than half of the bs of late 2023 and most of 2024. and the ego death in 2024 felt like I was just dying.

I knew I'd be thrown away again. I KNEW I was gonna fuck up somehow. and then my intentions constantly get assumed when most times IM FUCKING CONFUSED AND JUST COASTING THRU WHATEVER BS IS HAPPENING. I spring into action if I know how to fix everything, but if I'm at a loss on how to fix a problem, let alone there even being a problem, I'm just gonna remain confused and stupid or make assumptions or not talk cause I'm too scared about misrepresenting my thoughts

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO ANYONE WHEN ALL IM DOING IS CONSTANTLY MISREPRESENTING MY INTENTIONS AND PTHERS WRE TOO

WHY CANT I JUST TALK AND MAKE SENSE INSTEAD OF GETTING SO DISSOCIATED THAT I FORGET WHAT I WAS SAYING OR EVEN WHERE MY POINT WAS

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

I never want to be in the lives of my past anymore. deciding to try to have friends while my brain is consistently in Bad Times™ purgatory was stupid and IS stupid. unmedicated BPD and friendship don't go together well. being ignorant to your own brain issues just makes interpersonal life filled with turmoil. cause it's all just filled with my stupid anxious attachments, FPing ppl, and fear of abandonment that I'm not even entitled to. no one is obligated to stay in my life.

but man. I wish I had been medicated. I feel evil whenever I'm unmedicated. I feel like unmedicated me is a monster that just ended up feeling shameful and guilty after everything.

I hate me. but fuck you. I don't know anymore lol. I hate that all I have mostly are fond memories. I hate that I can't hear certain names without thinking of the fun times and the games and movie nights and draw togethers. I hate that I miss y'all. but fuck you.

I hope life at least treats you well, it's not like y'all were bad people.

[apple-vents]

bro my mom is yelling at me because I forgot to do the dishwasher

[apple-vents]

Bro my mom told my my anxiety wasn't that bad right after I had a panic attack

[applefox420]

having an Episode™ so I drew myself in a luchador mask to try to feel better

[applefox420]

too autistic, too ADHD, and too BPD for people, I wanna be an amoeba so I don't have to worry about interpersonal relationships and who's mad at me next. I wish people, even my people, weren't so foreign to me. I wish I understood myself

[applefox420]

all bc I was dealing with personal life shit and couldn't express EVERYTHING that happened and YOU were mad that my poly ass caught feelings for another person. we never communicated further than what you wanted, it's not my fault that I didn't know what moves to make with you. you felt replaced and like I'd changed when I literally just COULDNT BE ONLINE AS MUCH AND WAS LITERALLY DEALING WITH A BREAKUP, GOING HOMELESS, AND DEALING WITH ASSHOLE SEXUAL HARASSERS.

I'm SORRY you didn't here from me as much, I was literally OVERWHELMED

my ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED OVER THE PAST YEAR IN WAYS I WASNT PREPARED FOR

SO FUCKIN SORRY FOR TRYING TO SURVIVE AND KEEP A SUPPORT SYSTEM AROUND ME WHILST I WAS AT ROCK BOTTOM

I'll never say that what I was doing was healthy or good. my BPD and other mental illnesses aren't an excuse for handling shit bad, but they are part the reason for my decisions. I was literally flipping through FPs, losing the entire structure of my life. almost moved states. I was in NO STATE TO HANDLE ANYTHING CORRECTLY

but fuck nobody was talking to me and I was overwhelmed with life. half of shit I don't even remember, CAN'T remember. if I could change how I handled things, if I was better at gleaning wtf I was doing wrong, I would've BEEN tried to fix things.

all I could do was just take what was coming at me and adapt. too much shit was going all and the most I could do online was vent.

I don't wanna remember you. I feared for the day I pissed y'all off enough to be discarded again. I never felt like I fit in with you and everyone bc I missed so much. I always felt like I was on the outside of things. I always felt like y'all secretly despised me.

who knows if that was true but I don't wanna fix things. I don't wanna communicate. I wanna forget you ever existed in my life. thanks for reminding me that I still had something in relation to you. imma continue to move on and forget. I hope life is at least treating you better than it was, I think you deserve peace