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Sometimes i wonder, do you guys not talk about me because she doesnt like me? Or is she just not interested about me (us)? Or am i just thinking too much and she actually likes me a lot as a person? I feel like i didnt end up giving her a good impression of myself.
Everytime i bring up something about you that makes me upset, you somehow can always turn it around and say you are the one upset now. It is something i dislike about you. You make me fear hurting your feelings whenever i want to discuss about a problem, because you always turn it around into about you.
Same thing happened today. I did not want to say anything anymore, im tired of fighting. I squeezed you tight and felt tears forming in my eyes when i buried my face onto your back. I didnt make any noise, i didnt make any sudden movements, but you knew somehow, and you turned around, wiped the tears from my face, and just held me without saying anything.
Honestly, I really appreciated the silence. I appreciated your shoulder. I appreciated the fact that comforting me is always your first priority. I thought that was one of the sweetest things you’ve done and it really reminds me why i can love you so much.
Third wheeling is pretty tiring.. sometimes i wonder if im too quiet honestly 🤔
2019-04-08
Went to study with Fiona again today at Juillet Cafe, didnt get a lot done tbh... Connor, Fiona’s bf, showed up after a while tho and they are so cute together. Hes a pretty nice guy, for dinner I invited Jess to come as well. I really wanted her to come and eventually she did come even tho she was not at all planning to. I was pretty happy she was willing to just cuz i wanted her to. She talked sooo much tho and honestly sometimes i feel embarrased by her but with her there its never boring so that is good i guess. She kept exposing me to ppl idk why.
Im really happy to get close with Fiona tbh, she a really nice friend to have. Jess got upset at me today tho about our convo with connor and fiona. I do think i was a big harsh and inconsiderate for the things that i said. If i am in her position i would be pretty upset too i feel like. I tried to make things better but she then brought up how we always have to compromise and it is gonna be tough in the future. Having a future of compromises isnt something that she wants either. Now i just feel really off and weird after talking to her. Its the sad truth, idk if i see a future or not. We gonna sleep on it. If only i can go back in time and change the things i jokingly said.
2019-04-07
Study study study everyday. Cant wait for this sem to be over. Taking 4 eocn is like the stupidest choice ever. Ive kinda given up looking for jobs, now im looking for volunteer positions... i think they’d give me the experience im looking for a lot easier than actually getting a job. Should be a good start right? Altho getting paid is better, but i guess i cant complain much. Gotta have a good attitude about free labour.
I did the mock interview yesterday and to be honest i was quite disappointed bout my performance. I did not expect the questions to be all behaviour questions. Instead of boosting my confidence, it kind of killed my confidence for me. I am not motivated to apply to TD anymore. I fear that I am not the best candidate for the position. I fear that I will not be able to get in.
2019-04-03
Well today was nice. Its nice being able to talk to her, i kinda just let out all my worries, and thoughts. Well not everything, but i did tell her a lot of what i havent told her, like how much im worried about jobs and how i feel like im behind everybody else, and she was really understanding and tried to make me feel better and less worried. Its nice to know that she cares a lot and doesnt think negatively towards me.
2019-04-02
Well, today felt weird. I went to class today tho, which is good, but today kinda just felt like...like i lost track of date and don’t know what exactly im supposed to focus on. I was also having mid-life employment crisis like the past few weeks. The sun probably just made everything worse cuz everything just feels hazy. Its really hard to describe, basically just today was weird.
Tae and I finally set up a date and time to meet tho, like finally. I really wish i can nail this mock interview. I really hope i wont get too nervous and mess up... i got good answers, i just need to say them out the way i want to.
I spent half the day applying to places again, i just want to get a job so badly that I cant really focus on the 4 final exams thats coming up very very soon.
